Do you ever wish you'd said something?

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Liopleurodon
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22 Jan 2008, 8:02 am

Today I went into the same shop as always and bought the same weekday lunch as always. It's pretty easy now. The man behind the counter sees me, says "The usual?" I say "Yes please." He turns to his colleague and says "Tuna mayonnaise and sweetcorn baguette, with no butter." She makes it. I pay. I leave. I don't like interaction much but this is straightforward.

Today the man was talking to another customer as I entered and laughing about another customer who had just left. "She comes in every day and buys the same thing. I asked her how she was, you know, just to be polite. She looked confused, mumbled, and then left as quickly as she could. I mean, it's not a difficult question to answer, is it? Why be so unfriendly? I'm telling you, I'll never try to be friendly to her ever again." They both laughed heartily at the strange customer.

I was tempted to say something, because that could have been me. I hate being asked how I am by strangers, because the answer is either pointless ("not too bad, thanks. You?" What information does that give?) or none of their damned business. I probably wouldn't have reacted as this other customer did, because I can force myself to make small talk if the other person wants it. I hate doing it, but I can.

I didn't say anything. I didn't know how to phrase it. I didn't really know what to say. It's possible that this woman is simply unfriendly but I think it's more likely that she has problems with this kind of interaction. Has anyone been in this kind of situation, and said something, or do you wish that you had?


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CockneyRebel
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22 Jan 2008, 8:12 am

My thoughts are, that you should have told him, in a polite way, that maybe that woman was autistic and she was given a hard time, by many people, during her lifetime. Maybe she was scared of people, because they gave her a very hard time, in life. You should have told him, that he shouldn't have said that about her, and to keep being polite to her, because she's probably very lonely. If the woman has a speech impediment that makes her sound a little slow, than tell him about it, in a polite way. I know that I'd be afraid to talk to people, if I sounded like, I was Mentally Challenged, and people bugged me about it, in the past.


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Fiz
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22 Jan 2008, 8:17 am

Although your intentions sound like they would have been good if you had something, I think it's probably a good thing that you didn't. I say this for the following reasons:

:star: The woman they were talking about may have genuinely been unfriendly towards the person talking about her (for reasons unknown - she may have been under a lot of stress or upset and not able to cover it up). Or, God forbid, they may have misinterpreted this poor woman completely.
:star: If you would have said anything, there would have been a chance that they may turn their negative attention towards the woman onto you because, sometimes, this is what people do. If they can talk about her like that, why put yourself in the firing line?
:star: Although, again, I'm sure your intentions would have been good, it was a situation that wasn't really any of your business. However, in your defence, perhaps they should not have been talking loudly enough for you to hear or while you were present.

Either way, yes what they did was not very nice but, unless it's someone you know that is the topic of conversation, it's best to stay out of it.


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22 Jan 2008, 8:19 am

It's no ones prerogative to go out of their way to greet people if they're greeted; those who take offense to such are the ones with the "problem". Keeping to oneself isn't "rude", talking about people who mind their own business behind their back is. This isn't even autistic Daniel talking; this is "real" courtesy.

I don't say anything, nor do I wish to because I keep to myself, ask for things gently, and I walk softly.



Izaak
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22 Jan 2008, 8:19 am

What would you have said though?

I let plenty of opportunities to "say something" slip by. Of course, I always look at it as: It's not my job to go around making sure other people are polite and decent individuals.

It is very tempting, of course, but I have trouble enough finding things to say to get by from day to day... let alone formulating complex moral statements intended to rectify a lack of courtesy in a separate entity with little to no fore warning.



Liopleurodon
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22 Jan 2008, 9:11 am

I think I probably agree with what's been said. I suppose I find it frustrating but I don't really know enough about the situation to get involved - not to mention that I hate getting involved. I think it touched a raw nerve with me because I'm often perceived as being unfriendly when I'm actually trying very hard.


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22 Jan 2008, 10:12 am

I've been having a different but somewhat similar problem at my local Tesco. I go in there regularly and a majority of the staff are, as one would expect, very polite, however there is one woman who, the second she sees me, gives me a what I would translate as an 'evil stare'. Stood in the queue, I notice the way she interacts with the other customers. 'Hello.' 'that's £___ please'. The second I get to the front, again the 'evil' look and she says nothing. She literally pulls my products from my hands and thrusts it into my chest. She says nothing and throws my change at me. I have done nothing wrong and I don't understand it. My mum thinks it is because she is black and may be from a particular culture which is suspicious about disabled people. I do walk on a cane, so I suppose she could be right... I'm still sad though...


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22 Jan 2008, 10:15 am

DON'T follow CockneyRebel's advice! You don't know about her, and shouldn't voice such an opinion to strangers.

I never could figure why some people think it is STUPID to always get the same thing. What if that is what you like best and/or is best? Why tamper? Eating the same thing may be VERY logical!

Anyway, they are obviously in that group, he might have thought that person was YOU, etc... Maybe he knew he was talking about YOU. If not, maybe he says the same thing about you!

What could you have really said?

BTW I have been in the same position. Sometimes they talk to ME about people like you, even though *I* am that way also! The funny part is that I order the SAME thing ALL THE TIME at:

subway
tacobell
pizzahut
dominoes
a little german restaurant where I lived
der wienerschnitzel
bob burns
el torrito
rallys

YEP! At EACH place I always order the SAME thing! The funny thing is that, at each place, it is different! At subway it is a turkey and swiss cheese sub with mountain dew, tacobell it is he frescostyle ranchero chicken soft taco with mountain dew, pizzahut is a medium traditional pepperoni pizza, dominoes is generally the same, the german restaurant it is hassen pfeffer, der wienerschnitzel is a polish hot dog(as I recall), bob burns is the shark and coke, el torritio is the burrito especial con carne y queso sin frijoles and coke, rallys is the spicy chicken sandwich with a cherry coke. Yet they ALL see me as ordering the SAME thing!

When I invited my mother to bob burns, a nice upscale restaurant, she LITERALLY did the following! I AM NOT KIDDING! I was almost 30 at the time, and invited HER! Anyway, here is what she did.....

She asked the host if they served cheeseburgers! He said NO! She asked me to leave with her! I asked "WHY?"! She said "THEY DON'T HAVE CHEESEBURGERS!"! I said "SO?" She said "You like CHEESEBURGERS!"! I said "YEP, but they have nice SHARK here, and I like THAT too!"! She STILL sees me as someone with only ONE food! :lol: :roll:

And she is my MOTHER folks!



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22 Jan 2008, 11:10 am

My mother kind of does that too. Tries to order for me 'cause she thinks she knows exactly what I'll have and if they don't have it, buhbye. I have to tell her to just let me take a moment to look at the menu. And even still, she actually tells the people working at the place that they should start serving whatever it is. Really embarrassing.


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22 Jan 2008, 12:45 pm

May the words of my mouth...topic

I read Cockneyrebel's post and I agree with her intentions.

There is always something you wanted to say, and then you have to think of the consequences. This is the the power of the frontal lobes, I guess, and I suppose we are all the better for it when impulsive acts could start all sorts of trouble.

We have no proof that the person in question is Autistic, Martian, or even NT. However, Liopleurodon's empathy for that person, regardless of who he/she is, was understandable, and to me admirable. I always feel uncomfortable when I am aware others around me are speaking ill about others. They could be speaking about me. Some NTs feel a sort of bonding in grouping others in such a way as to make them (NTs) feel better, to put it as simply as possible. This is a very insensitive and inaccurate way of analyszing behaviour differences, and is done hastily, and yes, on impulse! :roll:


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