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Clariefinch
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29 Apr 2008, 3:24 pm

i have a friend with aspergers syndrome, he is 17 years old and he has just moved to me from Norway. His parents are furious and want him to go home but he refuses. He was living in a childrens home for kids with severe mental and physical handicaps. The youngest there was just 13 and had severe epilepsy and up to 30 seizures per day, often in front of my friend. The other child was 15, and he had severe mental handicaps. When i was there in September last year to visit my friend, the 15 year old started stroking my hair and then took out scissors and tried to cut my hair off and was bodytackled by the staff and had to be restrained.
My friend didnt want to live there. He feels he is capable of much more than his parents think that he is capable of. He was diagnosed with Aspergers at the age of 14, and dumped by his parents at this residential care home. He says it was fine while he was still under 16, he didnt have to do a single thing, everything was done for him, but lately, he says he has been wanting more out of life. I went to his school, its a special needs school. There was 3 others in his classroom, all of them severely disabled. His teacher said there was absolutely no reason for him to be there, yes he has special needs but all he needed was a little extra time to complete regular work and there would be no problems, yet his parents thought that this special needs school was the best place for him. He was there for 5 hours per day, yet the work he was given that was of the standard the other kids needed, was for at most a 10 year old. So he was completing 5 hours work in less than 30 mins, and then had to just sit there not doing anything. When he asked for work more suitable for his age and intellect, he was told, sorry we dont have anything like that here for you.
Ive spoken to his mother, on numerous occasions, she wants me to send him home. But i just cant. I dont feel he was getting the kind of help he needed. His mum says that he will be in residential care for the rest of his life and wont amount to anything and will never do anything with his life. Yet i disagree totally. My friend is very very clever, he is so fluent in english that everyone thinks he is english, yet he is norwegian. In the 8 weeks he has been here, he has already learnt how to cook, how to clean, do laundry, and basically he has learnt how to take care of himself and i believe that in the next year or so he will be fully capable of moving into his own apartment and be able to take care of himself with no problems. I have 3 children of my own, ages 12, 11, 9 and they think the world of him. They agree with me, his Aspergers doesnt present any problems to him. They dont understand his mum and the way she thinks of him. Ive always brought my children up to believe in themselves, and to know how to do things for themselves as one day they will grow up and leave home and live by themselves and they need to know how to do that.
He doesnt want to go back to the life he had before, he wants the chance to grow up, to live independently, to go to a proper school. If he goes back to Norway he doesnt believe that will ever happen. His mum is making things as difficult as possible for him to stay here. She knows she cant force him to go back, but she refuses to help me get him registered in sweden so he can go to school here and be entitled to financial aid. He has managed to get almost all of the information needed to register himself here in Sweden. And he did that all by himself, as he did getting himself from Norway to Sweden. He is capable of so much, and i just wish his parents could see that instead of writing him off the way they have done.
I guess im asking, should i send him back to Norway to the life he had, or let him stay here in Sweden and grow up as part of my family and learn and grow and move into his own apartment when he is ready and go to school here etc



LoveableNerd
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29 Apr 2008, 3:30 pm

You already know the answer to that. Keep him there and let him live his life.



velodog
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29 Apr 2008, 3:40 pm

In general I don't believe in interference in family matters. The situation you describe sounds like a total loss of freedom and potential to develop his mind. Aspies should not be treated as if they are mentally ret*d.



samantca
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29 Apr 2008, 3:40 pm

Keep him there, they shouldnt treat him like hes completely unable to do anything. Its sad that they have decided for him thats hes uncapable of living an independant life. Youve just described that he can.



jamescampbell
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29 Apr 2008, 4:17 pm

just keep him where he feels more comfable and that's where you live!



gbollard
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29 Apr 2008, 5:55 pm

If you can handle him - and if he's happy there.... I guess you could keep him.

If you find that you can't handle him... consider other options, like assistance instead of institutionalization, before returning him.



krex
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29 Apr 2008, 6:18 pm

I'm glad he has found a compassionate person in his life who is willing to help him advocate for himself.

You are right that he does not belong in the environment that he is in...I worked in a similiar residence in USA and he is a pay check for them and they do not let go of that easily...the higher functioning the individual the more they want to keep them because it makes their jobs easier...on less resident that they have to spend their time and energy on because they can take care of their own needs...it's a sad reality.

The mother...Perhaps writing him off helps her forget him and not feel that she is doing anything wrong by apdicating her responsibility to keep him in her life? People are weird.

I don't know of the laws and disability rights in your country but I would begin looking into some legal and social service conections for persons with disabilitites in your area. It is possible that they will help fund testing to prove his function level and add him in becoming declared a "independent agent" . We had an individual in our residence who was his own "legal guardian" and had much more choice in his life with out losing his assistance. We have programs here that promote the fullest independence of each "disabled" person...but you have to fight for them. :cry: It is possible that he could have a social worker to help with budgeting and transportation needs and a care worker come in a few hours a day to assist with any other needs(shopping or looking for work, etc) that he might have anxiety about. The higher his independent living skills become, the less he will need them. It's a good transitional program and there are probably some NT people in their twenties who would benefit themselves from something like this...I'm AS and would have done much better transitioning from college into independnce if I had had something like this.

Good luck to you both...independence from these places is worth fighting for.


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Clariefinch
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30 Apr 2008, 9:58 am

the longer he is here, the less i think he actually has Asperger's. I asked him to do the aspie quiz and he got these results Aspie-quiz
Your Aspie score: 50 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 148 of 200
You are very likely neurotypical

I wonder if he got diagnosed wrongly, or they didnt know what was wrong with him so they just said he had aspergers syndrome as a label so he would get some help.

What exactly does nt mean?



krex
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30 Apr 2008, 10:58 am

NT=neurotypical


I don't know how to explain his test results....? I think it is a pretty accurate test, even if it isn't a diagnosis tool. I scored 162/200 and was DXed by an "expert" ,soooo. Does he have any legal right to get a copy of his original DX papers?


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olle
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30 Apr 2008, 1:38 pm

The way his parents treated him sounds just horrible. Reading this made me angry and upset.

Also, if his aspie score is 50/200, then he's certainly not aspie. It would be even more helpful with the other scores from the aspie-quiz. Those predict possible diagnosis. Especially, the Asperger/HFA/PDD score is important.

Something to compare with:

The last time i did the aspei-quiz i got:
Aspie: 131/200
NT: 49/200
Asperger/HFA/PDD: 164
:roll:



gbollard
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30 Apr 2008, 5:11 pm

I always disclaim that test as not being 100% but in truth, it's surprisingly acccurate.

The results really don't leave much room for interpretation.

Your friend is Neurotypical (normal - minded).

The problem is not aspergers - and the diagnosis was wrong.

There's a good chance that your friend may just have been ADHD. In any case, you and he would be best discussing what you think is right and wrong with him and making a list. If you show that list ot a GP, they might be able to suggest whether it looks neurological or physical , environmental etc... and what it could be.

Of course, if you don't feel that there's anything wrong at all. Great ! don't look for problems.