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rebbieh
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15 Jan 2013, 2:25 am

Sometimes I go very quiet or almost mute in certain social situations. It always happens around people I don't know/people I don't know that well but it doesn't always happen around people I don't know/people I don't know that well. It only happens in some situations. I'm not completely sure about the pattern yet.

Anyway, I experienced it last night for example. I was at a "meeting" (not sure what to call it) for people who have or suspect they have AS, Autism, ADHD, Tourette's etc. I've been there once before and I was very quiet then as well but someone noticed me and started talking to me. I explained I'm very bad at initiating conversation so she helped a lot by asking specific questions (I think it's easier to talk if someone asks questions instead of me just having to talk about random things). Yesterday I sat at a table for about 2 hours without saying a word. I wanted to join in the conversation because it was an interesting one. I couldn't though. When I say "I couldn't" I'm not sure if that means I physically couldn't or if I was too anxious to do so (or something else). The thing is, I didn't feel too anxious this time. I was definitely anxious but I was more anxious last time I was there.

It also happened last summer (for example). I was having dinner with my boyfriend, his brother and the brother's girlfriend. I'm not completely comfortable around them but I don't go "mute" or anything. But then a friend of the brother was having dinner with us (no one told me about that in advance). As soon as he entered the room I went completely silent until he left (several hours later). The only time I spoke was when someone asked me if I wanted more food (I said "no, thanks") and when the friend said "you're a very quiet person" (then I said "sorry" and went to the bathroom and hit my head repeatedly).

In those situations I pretty much only speak if people ask me very specific questions. Yesterday, for example, I only spoke when one guy asked me "is that your bag? We thought you'd forgotten it." I answered "yes, that's my bag." As soon as I left the meeting I could talk normally again.

What do you think of this? Why does it happen? Social anxiety? When I told my "friend" (don't know how to define a friendship) about it she said that's common for people with AS (she's got HFA). Is that true?



Verdandi
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15 Jan 2013, 2:29 am

I find it difficult to speak when in conversations with two or more people. I tend to remain quiet until I have enough of an idea of the conversation that I can contribute something.

It's not anxiety for me, though. I just literally do not know what to say, how to say it, or to whom.



rebbieh
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15 Jan 2013, 2:35 am

Verdandi wrote:
I find it difficult to speak when in conversations with two or more people. I tend to remain quiet until I have enough of an idea of the conversation that I can contribute something.

It's not anxiety for me, though. I just literally do not know what to say, how to say it, or to whom.


That happens to me too but it's different from what I experienced yesterday. I'm not sure how to explain it. Yesterday I "couldn't" have said anything even if I wanted to (at least I couldn't have initiated anything). Other times, when I don't go "mute", I might have something to say but I just don't know how to say it or when to say it so I remain silent.



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15 Jan 2013, 2:41 am

I can relate to this to an extent. In social gatherings, I often just sit there quietly, unless someone else engages me (i.e. asks me a question or says something that piques my interest). I think it's mainly that I simply don't have anything to say, or don't know what to say. Other times, I'm just too slow to think of something to say and the conversation moves on before I get a chance to speak. Still other times, I'm just content with listening, even if it's an interesting conversation.

Still other times, something about the whole interaction just feels awkward, and as a result, I don't feel like saying much.

Also, do you feel like you sometimes come up with the responses in your head but just don't verbalize them? Because I experience that sometimes. For instance, sometimes, someone will ask me a question and I'll come up with a response in my head but I won't verbalize it.

I've given the topic of social anxiety some thought lately, and I realized that I don't experience what I'd consider to be social anxiety--at least not any more (I was selectively mute for a time as a child, though). I've presented to (small-ish) groups; I've gone to trade shows; my job requires me to occasionally meet with people I don't know. I don't get panicky or anxious in those situations. I find I have difficulty approaching people and initiating social interactions and keeping conversations going, and I do sometimes dread having to interact with other people. I can have this sort of problem around people I've known for many years, even. But I think it has more to do with not knowing what to say/do or not wanting to expend the energy on social interaction than it does with social anxiety/phobia. I wonder if this holds true for you too.



Last edited by FishStickNick on 15 Jan 2013, 2:44 am, edited 2 times in total.

Verdandi
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15 Jan 2013, 2:42 am

rebbieh wrote:
Verdandi wrote:
I find it difficult to speak when in conversations with two or more people. I tend to remain quiet until I have enough of an idea of the conversation that I can contribute something.

It's not anxiety for me, though. I just literally do not know what to say, how to say it, or to whom.


That happens to me too but it's different from what I experienced yesterday. I'm not sure how to explain it. Yesterday I "couldn't" have said anything even if I wanted to (at least I couldn't have initiated anything). Other times, when I don't go "mute", I might have something to say but I just don't know how to say it or when to say it so I remain silent.


I have times where I can't speak at all, but that's usually shutdown due to overload. Maybe that's what happened?



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15 Jan 2013, 2:51 am

Verdandi wrote:
I find it difficult to speak when in conversations with two or more people. I tend to remain quiet until I have enough of an idea of the conversation that I can contribute something.

It's not anxiety for me, though. I just literally do not know what to say, how to say it, or to whom.

That happens to me but... someone who I had a conversation the other day while I was drinking... now that I am sober I'm hard time talking to him despite the fact I spoke to him for 5hrs the other night, I 'm now silent. f**k it makes no sense anyway. why try?


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rebbieh
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15 Jan 2013, 3:07 am

FishStickNick wrote:
Also, do you feel like you sometimes come up with the responses in your head but just don't verbalize them? Because I experience that sometimes. For instance, sometimes, someone will ask me a question and I'll come up with a response in my head but I won't verbalize it.

I've given the topic of social anxiety some thought lately, and I realized that I don't experience what I'd consider to be social anxiety--at least not any more (I was selectively mute for a time as a child, though). I've presented to (small-ish) groups; I've gone to trade shows; my job requires me to occasionally meet with people I don't know. I don't get panicky or anxious in those situations. I find I have difficulty approaching people and initiating social interactions and keeping conversations going, and I do sometimes dread having to interact with other people. I can have this sort of problem around people I've known for many years, even. But I think it has more to do with not knowing what to say/do or not wanting to expend the energy on social interaction than it does with social anxiety/phobia. I wonder if this holds true for you too.


Yes, I do that sometimes. I see no pattern to it though. Sometimes it's fine and I verbalize my thoughts (sometimes even too much) and at other times I know what I want to say but I just don't say it (because I can't or because I don't want to). It puzzles me.

I do think I have social anxiety but I think that some of the things I've thought to be social anxiety aren't. I don't always feel anxious in social situations but I still don't talk or don't look people in the eyes etc. I often don't know what to say or how to say it and when I've figured it out it's already too late to say something (because the conversation has moved on). Do you know what I mean?

Verdandi wrote:
I have times where I can't speak at all, but that's usually shutdown due to overload. Maybe that's what happened?


Might be. I haven't really thought of that. Every time it happens I'm in a new environment, around new people etc. Perhaps I'm just overloaded. I mean, I'm sure I'm anxious in most of those situations but it's not like I'm scared of people. Not really. Not always. Maybe I'm just anxious because of everything that's going on around me which makes me overloaded. I don't know.



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15 Jan 2013, 3:35 am

rebbieh wrote:

I do think I have social anxiety but I think that some of the things I've thought to be social anxiety aren't. I don't always feel anxious in social situations but I still don't talk or don't look people in the eyes etc. I often don't know what to say or how to say it and when I've figured it out it's already too late to say something (because the conversation has moved on). Do you know what I mean?


I totally do.

I'll be honest: There are times where I simply don't know why I behave the way I do in social situations. Like, I don't know for sure why I don't make eye contact; all I know is that I don't and it doesn't feel "right" when I do. The thing that makes me think that it isn't social anxiety in my case (or at least isn't major social anxiety) is that I don't really make eye contact with anyone, and I can be just as quiet around family members as I am around people I don't really know.



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15 Jan 2013, 4:11 am

Murderface wrote:
Verdandi wrote:
I find it difficult to speak when in conversations with two or more people. I tend to remain quiet until I have enough of an idea of the conversation that I can contribute something.

It's not anxiety for me, though. I just literally do not know what to say, how to say it, or to whom.

That happens to me but... someone who I had a conversation the other day while I was drinking... now that I am sober I'm hard time talking to him despite the fact I spoke to him for 5hrs the other night, I 'm now silent. f**k it makes no sense anyway. why try?

I don't drink so I don't relate directly, but I relate to this general idea. For example, with coworkers, I can talk about work stuff for a long time, but if I go to lunch or something with the same people, I go silent--not selective mutism silent in that I can still speak, but I just don't have anything to say. It helps that I really like my job, though.

(OK, now I'm slightly obsessed with this discussion. This entire thread sounds eerily like me.)



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15 Jan 2013, 4:21 am

There was a time, back when I still thought I was "normal", when I'd talk happily whenever I found a chance. These days there's always a self-generated censor reminding me that I'm not normal and I might be contravening other people's norms. I preferred it the old way, from the self centred viewpoint, but I can't change it back.



rebbieh
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15 Jan 2013, 4:31 am

FishStickNick wrote:
I'll be honest: There are times where I simply don't know why I behave the way I do in social situations. Like, I don't know for sure why I don't make eye contact; all I know is that I don't and it doesn't feel "right" when I do. The thing that makes me think that it isn't social anxiety in my case (or at least isn't major social anxiety) is that I don't really make eye contact with anyone, and I can be just as quiet around family members as I am around people I don't really know.


I'm not sure why I behave the way I do social situations either. I can force myself to make eye contact but I hardly ever do so because it's too uncomfortable. I hardly ever look people I don't know in the eyes and people I know I often choose to not look in the eyes anyway. The only people I'm completely ok having eye contact with are my parents, siblings and my boyfriend (though I often choose to not look them in the eyes or even look at them when I/they speak). I don't know why but that's just the way it is.

I'm often quiet around family members as well but not because of anxiety (or whatever it is) but because I choose to. I can be less quiet around them (my immediate family that is) if I want to.



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15 Jan 2013, 4:36 am

I have experienced this reluctance to speak before. There were times when I really wanted to say something but couldn't... :?

When speaking is absolutely necessary, though (e.g. job interview), my voice often drops and becaise very quiet, almost like a whisper. It takes a considerable effort to make it louder again.


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15 Jan 2013, 6:27 am

It sounds like mutism.

I know situations like this very well, where I can't talk or just a view words.
It's like my mouth doesn't want to move.


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15 Jan 2013, 6:48 am

I've had this before. When there's too many people or too much noise, I usually just stare at the floor and stop talking. I guess I could talk if I really wanted to, but I just really don't in that moment.



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15 Jan 2013, 6:55 am

I have noticed that familiarity can alleviate this issue.

If I know the people around me well, then speaking is not a problem, even if the situation is nosiy and confusing.

But if people are strangers, the troubles begin, even if the situation is quiet and peaceful.


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15 Jan 2013, 7:15 am

Could it not be due to the fact that our brains aren't good at multitasking? In that we are best at focusing on one topic at a time to a greater depth due to us having weaker long-range connections in our brains and stronger short-range ones (or something like that)?

Hence, a new situation presents a multitude of new information which requires a LOT more multitasking to be done. In a familiar situation we don't need to process so much information therefore it frees our minds up a bit more in order to interact in the way we are best at (however well that may truly be! lol)

By not talking, not looking, not interacting, this helps to limit how much extra multitasking our brain has to do from all the new information in order to help us do the essential stuff better otherwise we might go into shutdown, etc.

Each new person presents a MULTITUDE of new information to process, let alone a new environment, or more than one new person at a time...


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