How can you forgive?

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Very recently I started to take an ADHD medication. It wasn't until this very moment that I have been aware that I had a serious learning dissability.

I have been struggling with it for years. I called it 'the block', never knowing where it came from. Thinking it was because family traumas, or depression or any other reason that I could imagine to fight against it. Because the only way I know to face problems is pushing. And pushing, and keep pushing with no surrender. I struggled to get one of the most hard degrees in my country. I sweated f*****g blood to get it.

Everytime I tried to explain it I was looked like 'Don't make up things if you're lazy, dude. Those are just excuses'. No matter how many times I tried to explain how it felt... until I ended up believing myself that it was lazyness, that I was not doing effort enough. So I had to try even harder, to push even harder.

Now, after getting in the medication, focusing is suddenly so f*****g easy that I wonder how I dealt until now.

So at the end, everytime I tried to explain and got nothing... and it was real, it was a neurological problem. A bloody neurological problem that gets fixed with a bloody pill. A real medical problem, not lazyness or lack of ambition or excuses.

I feel like a guy who has been in a wheelchair for two decades, with the back injuried, listening how everybody was saying 'hey, you're too lazy to stand up'. I still remember not such a far away conversation, with me looking directly at the other person's eyes and saying 'Holy God, why is so f*****g (yeap, I swear a lot) difficult to believe what I say?'. Rolling eyes, as usual.

And I was right. After all this time, I was right. It was a neurological problem that just needed a pill. Or at least some support, or at least some bloody trust.

How you forgive that?

Honestly, I don't know.

I would try to let it go instead of forgive. No one knew what was going on until you started your medication. I do agree that there could have been encouragement instead of ridiculing.

But this is reality, not "everyone is nice to each other" land.

Well, I am glad that you are doing much better and that you finally received appropriate treatment.

If it helps you to forgive them any, remember that their lack of insight is just as neurologically wired as your attention deficits; most people are hard-wired to only be able to perceive and understand what they have experienced for themselves. Since most people do not have a "block" of their own, they cannot fathom what the "block" is and thus rely on what they do understand; nearly everybody has experienced laziness and a lack of willpower, but very few people experienced A.D.H.D. in the same way that you have. Theory of Mind deficits are not elusively an autistic spectrum issue.

Well, there was no ridiculing. I have a too strong character to allow it.

There were silences, lots of silences, and avoidings, and rolling eyes, and loads of 'friendly' advices after which you think 'did you hear something I said?'. After some time, you doubt of yourself, you start to think that perhaps you're making up all this unconsciously. Until now, I didn't know for sure.

And right now I feel so f*****g angry for all this.



Yeap, never too late

And yes, I know rationally that there was no evil. Every advice was given with the full believe that it was right. All these years, I only found trust in my best friend, and he's completely bipolar, so he's someway 'wired' to understand how hard can it be sometimes.

But anyway, even I know rationally... s**t, I feel furious.

Last edited by Greb on 22 May 2013, 12:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.

If there was no actual ridiculing, then you might have been feeling overly sensitive on this issue? You can feel angry and vindicated, but after a point it's just time to move forward.

Well, for me friendship is about trust and loyalty. When you find that the people that you consider your friends don't believe you and don't trust what you say... when you find that your own partner (and not talking about only one, this has been a repeated story) don't believe it neither...

I don't care about what people think of me... except with the people I love. And it hurts, it really hurts when the people you love don't trust on you.

True, I can understand that. I'm glad you finally found something that works for you.

I don't think you need to try to force yourself to forgive them. You probably shouldn't even try to fight how you feel. It's only recently that you found out exactly what it was that was causing your difficulty. So it's really natural that you feel angry for now. Time might make you feel a little differently. In the meantime you might want to just divert your attention to some positive things if you can.

Enjoy your new discovery, try to forgive or ignore what has happened before.
Other option is to continue using up precious time and energy on a past that can not be changed.

I wish somebody gave me my magic pill so that those chains that prevent me from functioning break.

Yeap, it's right. Time heals. But right now it feels like a very big disappointment. Even a betrayal

I haven't forgiven most, and I likely won't.

I have forgiven a few, but those few have acknowledged that my problems were real and they just didn't get it. Others - like my sister - tell me to "adapt" as if this is something that I can just decide to do and actually do. Never mind that trying to adapt for my entire life previous left me with major depression and general anxiety.

At the end, in my opinion, forgiving is necessary, even when it's unfair. It's the way to move on.

I don't forgive betrayal.

I usually forget, because once I don't trust, I turn my attention to other things and people.

But the sense of "trustworthy/untrustworthy" is something I don't get very easily, so when I have experience to prove it one way or the other, I go with that. It's not so much not forgiving as recognizing that a person is not to be trusted. If they are apologetic and friendly, I may be social with that person again, but I won't get close or give my trust.

It's hard enough trying to figure out people who have not stabbed me in the back.

I don't agree. Moving on is its own thing, and does not require forgiveness. Forgiveness is a way to move on, but not the only way.

For me forgiveness isn't really ment for the other person, but for you. because you deserve peace
This sounds really selfish and it isn't always true but I find that in most cases it should only be done for your own peace of mind