Are you estranged from your parents?

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Or do you know someone that is?

Have you comepletely broken off contact with them?

If so, why?

I don't think it is common to do this, but I know it is not rare.

I used to be, because before I was diagnosed AS, psychologists tried to dig up dirt on my parents and it made me hate them.

Truthfully, I had wonderful parents, although my mother had undiagnosed AS. This made her insensitive, controlling, nervous and obsessed with reading obscure literature instead of being available to me. I resented it until I understood AS.

So, understanding AS really opened the door to much closer and understanding family relationships.

I first broke off communications with my parents when I was finally released from the mental institution they placed me in at 18. I returned 5 years later, to try to be adult with them, but it was made very clear to me they had moved on and I had no part in their lives (that and they had told all sorts of stories to family and their friends that my mere presence would have complicated and put lie to.) When I was 38 I met with them again as part of my ninth step (of AA) and then a couple of days before my mother died when I was 48.
They never knew I was autistic, they always thought I was 'normal' and making conscious decisions to be like I am. I ate bitterness until I learned about my AS when I was 56. I still snack on bitterness because I forget sometimes I was AS when I was a child, too.

I really don't think them knowing I was autistic would have changed much of any of this, in a lot of ways, I don't think they would have believed it, because I was, and they never questioned that I might have had some impairment that kept me from being the child of their dreams rather than me just being 'contrary' and 'obstinate' , 'willful', 'disrespectful' and even deliberately trying to embarrass them.
~sigh~

Merle

I was estranged from my mother and 4 sisters for twenty years. They alienated me with years of teasing and chiding me for my social awkwardness. I finally got the opportunity to leave my home town and move 1,100 miles away; and though I occasionally returned for a visit, I pretty much turned my back on them. I didn't speak to one sister for 11 years because I found her especially arrogant and passive-aggressive. The only reason I broke down and called her was when I got my diagnosis. She has a son, and I wanted to be sure that he didn't have autistic traits. I left in 1986, 8 years before Asperger's Syndrome made it into the DSM-IV. I didn't get a formal diagnosis until 2006 at age 44.

My father died of cancer in 1980. If he would have lived, I would definitely have been estranged from him, too. Ironically, it turns out that we hated each other for having traits that stem from Asperger's. Too alike for our own good, I guess.

I eventually married and have a teen-aged daughter. She has a Facebook and cell phone and talks to my sisters, mother, and her cousins regularly. We sent her up there to stay with them two summers in a row. She's been my goodwill ambassador and peace offering.

This is the first time I've spoken about this with someone on Wrong Planet. I'll bet completely breaking off contact with family members is more common among Aspies than you think, especially for those of us who reached maturity before Asperger's made it in the DSM-IV. I'm not saying that my relationship with my family would have been problem-free, but I don't think we would have had half of the embarrassments and misunderstandings that we had if we would have known what I (and my father) was.

Last edited by ocelot1962 on 14 Feb 2009, 6:19 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I know longer have any contact with my parents. They are verbally abusive, manipulative and controlling. When I was little, they were physically abusive as well. They are the 2 most self-centered people on this earth and my relationship with them is very toxic to me and has been detrimental to my health. I have been much healthier and happier since I have cut them out of my life.

I'm 13, I don't have that option unfortunately. But when I grow up I am so moving to Italy to escape my mother. I'll stay in touch with my dad, though.

Though I live with my parents now, we are strangers.
I rarely talk to them.

I get along pretty well with my parents. I guess I'm lucky. But I'm not really that close with them and I can't hold long conversations with them unless it's a topic that we're passionately interested in.

I probably would have left if I was 18 or above when my parents basically said I couldn't be Atheist. I can't because I too am 13, and I'm going to be doing my confirmation next month or something. I can't really do anything about it, and my parents think I'm Christian now(I told them that 33% of the world's population was Catholic, and then they said, 'And you're one of them!', I wasn't in the mood to go through everything I did on the day I told them I was Atheist, so I just go a long with it).
I probably will leave them when I am 18 if they still don't accept I'm Atheist, or will definitely leave if I tried telling them before I was 18 that I was Atheist and they went crazy again. I might not even give them a chance, they're forcing me too do confirmation. The whole point of it is to do it willingly. I really do hate them right now for forcing me to do it.
EMZ.

I'm sorry to hear that, that must really suck. But even if you can't get out of confirmation, they can't get inside your head and MAKE you believe in it, can they?

I doubt that. It was my independent decision when I was around 10 not to believe in God. I am very confident that there is no God, and even if I did believe in it, I would not want to be in religion, I hate religion.
EMZ.

That's absolutely right! Religion is a personal choice. Emor, I would recommend just going along with what your parents want until you're 18 because, while it definitely sucks, that's unfortunately all you can do. But yeah, definitely leave your parents' home and never come back if you're 18 and they still don't accept you're atheism.

I have hd no contact with my dad and my stepmother for 15 or so years - give or take an attempted reconciliation here or there.

i maintain contact wtih my mum who is most likely undx'ed AS. She had 8 kids, brought us up on our ownwhen my dad left, struggled every inch of the way, and really worked to keep us together. I do not see her much but i talk to her on the phone.

the main thing for me with family is that it is reall OUT OF SIGHT and OUT OF MIND unless i need sometihng from them. i am being brutally honest abou tmyself here, but that is the nature of it for me.

i agree with other posters who suspect extrangement from family is quite common for people with AS.

I am basically estranged from mine. Haven't spoken to my dad in 2 years and my mother in 1 year until I spoke to her just before my latest psychologist meeting.

I intend to . It's not like they hate Atheists, my tutor(family friend) was Atheist, and they never had a problem with them.
They've got stuck into their head that letting me be Atheist wouldn't be ethical and bad parenting, or at least, that's what I think.
I've considered being too Catholic, to the extent I'd have a problem with everything they do, but I don't know if that'd work, and it'd also mean extensive studies of Catholicism. I might try though, but I don't know if they'd give in. I doubt they'd actually convert to Atheism.
EMZ=].

Permanently estranged. And I don't think autism has anything to do with it, since one of my sisters is also permanently estranged from them, and my other two sibs may not visit any more either (not sure - we really don't talk to each other any more either). Some people are simply too immature to be parents. I was abused and neglected, but they use my diagnosis to explain why I didn't turn out (now that I've told them about it). I'm not sure how they explain to their friends why I'm on welfare. They probably don't.