Page 2 of 9 [ 134 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5 ... 9  Next

xyz
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 11 Dec 2014
Age: 49
Gender: Female
Posts: 51
Location: VA

17 Dec 2014, 10:44 am

BTDT wrote:
Are you really a failure if you are in a situation in which you are set up to lose no matter what you do?

Being a newbie, you may not realize that most of us are terrible at relationships, so most of us really can't help, no matter how much we would like to. For a lot of Aspies, mastering enough social skills to hold a steady job is a major achievement.

http://www.templegrandin.com/
A famous Aspie who has helped a lot of Aspies, but as for getting romantically involved with someone--not a chance.
http://stumblingalongthespectrum.blogspot.com/2014/10/the-temple-grandin-movie-why-i-loved-it.html
The movie clearly indicated that Temple Grandin has never been interested in any kind of romantic relationship. Most people are - autistic or not- and yes, autism gets in the way of that.


I think we are both dealing with a less then optimal set up. I am a HSP w/ PTSD. I have issues in which he triggers badly. He can't really help I suppose. He didn't know I had PTSD before we got married. I didn't put it all together either until we started marriage counseling. I didn't realize he was an aspie until marriage counseling and he didn't either. We have both been set up for not so much failure but a life of struggles by fate. It sucks.

You are correct about the aspies here. You guys certainly out number the general NT's here. I can see some very obvious aspie responses form some of the other folks here. And that is OK. I want info from an aspie perspective as well as a NT perspective.

I love Temple Grandin by the way. I watch alot of her on TED Talk. I can't wait till I get a chance to look at the link you sent.



Insania2016
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 19 Oct 2012
Age: 47
Gender: Male
Posts: 55

17 Dec 2014, 1:07 pm

Hopefully I can offer some advice. I am married with 5 children so I am familiar with quite a bit in this department. I have also been divorced so I've experienced both the dark and light side of the force...

Take a deep breath... Exhale... Repeat. You're alive so there's always hope. :)

"I am new here and this is my first thread. I am nt sure if this is the right place for this thread or not."

First, welcome and hello! This is probably a decent place for a thread like this but I don't own the site so maybe someone else might have a different idea. Who knows? I will be very candid and honest here so I hope you at least ponder what I say before passing judgment. Then again you are posting in an Aspie forum...

"I am having an issue."

I'm sorry. I'll do the best I can to help with my text.

"Let me explain. My hubby has Asperger's. I do not."

This would be issue number 1. You set yourself apart from your husband. Matrimony is a bonding of two people. Here you reveal you do not really see your relationship as a unit. Which, I guess is the whole point of your post but my method is to weed through the details first and then get to the big picture as it were.

Issue #2 is you may not be on the spectrum while your husband is. Though at the very least you understand this fact. You have children that are also on the spectrum so you at least have some experience in dealing with other people on the spectrum.

"We have been married for 20 years. We have 3 kids. One of those 3 also is an aspie."

Congratulations! No small feat to be married for 20 years in this day and age. Only 1 child is an aspie? No ADHD, OCD, or other spectrum disorders with the others? Just curious, doesn't totally apply to the post but perhaps it may... we'll see. Having children in general is a stress on the relationship especially more so if they are on the spectrum. Stress makes everything seem worse.

"For 15 years I assumed my Hubby was a narcissists."

That's a negative assumption to make to start with. What did you like about him when you first started dating or even during the early parts of your marriage?

"He was cold and calculated. He was borderline verbally abusive. I had no idea he was an aspie. He also has OCD or at least the therapist and I think so."

How was he verbally abusive?

I hope you and your therapist focus on you rather than what might be troubling your husband. For a long time you didn't think very well of your husband until it recently came to light he may be on the spectrum. I think a lot of that was probably anxiety induced assumptions about your husband's behavior. You mentioned you had PTSD and were a HSP. This makes sense to me...

Also your therapist should give you different guidance based on the new information. There's a big difference with dealing with a jerk versus dealing with someone on the spectrum.

"It may be just part of the Asperger's and the need for schedules and organization."

Aspies come in all flavors. Under a lot of stress and anxiety things like full-blown OCD can appear but wane once the pressure is gone. Routine is king! Do you like routines?

This seems a little out place with the general flow what your saying. Is his need for routine irritating you the most right now?

"About 3 years ago we started marriage counseling."

Good! I'm sorry it took you folks 17 years. Did you perhaps have children in the past few years? I can tell you the additional stress and the fact that kids harsh a man's routine in a severe way I can see how he may have seem more closed off than normal. Especially if no one knew about his asperger's diagnosis.

"It was in marriage counseling that the therapist suggested he has aspergers. It is often hereditary."

Huzzah! It is indeed primarily hereditary. The genetics go back a long time. Also, Aspie's tend to find others and herd together. Often forming relationships and even getting married of all things. However, for a formal diagnosis he will have to see a psychiatrist or possibly a neurologist. It is quite possible he may have small focal seizures so I'd recommend an EEG. You'd be surprised to learn what that can do to one's mood. From what I understand there is a high incidence of this in the autism community. I myself suffer from them.

"When she sais that it made total since. For 15 years I thought he was just being mean."

Well, being in the dark with such a thing would I can see how having a light might a world changer.

"I thought he choose to say rude things, or be extremely blunt, or act as if he only cared about himself."

Everything is a choice. Aspie or not. I can take time to consider my words or not. It might be more difficult to get the right words out but we can. Caring for others is a choice too. It is imperative for you both to learn and respect his limits though. You as well. Don't mistake self centeredness for the recharging of one's batteries.

"It was soooo helpful to know that it was not completely of his choosing. For a while it was a relief to know he was an aspie."

Doesn't sound like you are relieved. It doesn't excuse bad behavior and that can be modified depending on one's desire to do so.

"The mannerisms have not really changed they have just become easier to deal with. But we are 3 years into discovering he is an aspie. Things are not exactly easy."

Well they weren't easy for 17 years prior. What made you think knowing he was an aspie would make it any easier? In some ways it is more challenging. What sort of mannerisms are you having trouble with?

"I am 40. I am down right unhappy being married."

I'm around your age so I know you married young given what you've told us. Be careful with thinking 'what might have been'... That's dangerous. What might have been is a fantasy. Better to remember 'what is.' That is you are a 40 year old wife and mother. You are in a very rough spot in your marriage. It's the holiday season so that's even more stress. He's probably spazzing out given all of the social stuff involved. More stress.

"Now that I know he is an aspie and that there is little chance that he will change and will most likely continue to be rude and self centered, I am struggling with the choice of weather I can remain married to him or not."

You know that he is an aspie but it sounds like you don't know very much about asperger's syndrome. Do you view your autistic child in this same way or do you feel that you can help them in some fashion?

"I can't begin to tell you how neglected I feel and how much I do not look forward to the next 40 years with this man."

I'm sorry you feel that. It's not a good feeling. Just recognize that you are looking at 40 years from the perspective of the moment which is filled with pain right now. I suspect if you felt this way your whole 20 years of marriage you would have left long ago.

"I feel terrible for not being able to accept him for who he is. He has excepted me for my issues and I can't do the same. ( I have PTSD, and HSP -highly sensitive personality)"

You were able to accept him when you thought he was just a mean jerk. I suppose maybe you held out for hope that you could change him perhaps before the suspicion of asperger's came up? In the end you can only like what you like. Don't beat yourself up over it.

"Living with this man leaves me feeling so beat down emotionally, it leaves me with no self esteem. I feel very controlled by him, and I am on the boarder of depression due to being married to someone who is self centered."

You have been depressed for awhile I think. I also think it has more to do than just your husband. You mentioned you have PTSD and are a HSP...

As for the controlling part -
A lot of male aspie's are notorious herders. It is not so much that we want to control people for nefarious reasons it is just that routine is king and it is instinctual to control our environment. People who come in to our sphere are subject to said routine and environmental control. Though a lot of that can be better managed with knowledge by all involved. Think of it this way... You provide such things for your children and especially the aspie child. As adults we don't have parents to do that so we have to carry the torch.

Knowing that one is an aspie though we can appreciate that others might not like that so much and make heroic efforts to modify that behavior some. Though that causes some stress on our part. It does require understanding on everyone's part.

I think you both might benefit from getting some books or reading some more about adults with asperger's might help. There are plenty out there.

"Now that I know it is aspergers we are dealing with I have become more aware that these issues are part of my husbands personality."

I don't think we have a complete picture of your husband but there is Asperger's syndrome and then there are personality traits. The one is brain wiring and the other is how we behave in the world. ASD colors our personality but the two are different. Personality is developed in part by coping with our environment. That is true for everyone. Though for someone on the spectrum it may not look quite the same or mistaken for something else entirely.

"I have thought about me and my hubby separating. But after realizing he is an aspie the realization that this may not get better makes is sooooo much more difficult."

Why does he have to be a bad guy for you to leave? What makes you think he won't learn and grow from this? What makes you think you won't? If you feel all is lost, hopeless, you don't love him, then leave. I doubt you truly feel that way though otherwise you wouldn't be here.

"My Hubby does have some great traits don't get me wrong. The aspergers gives him the ability to run a business and be a business owner. He is in construction and the attention he gives to detail makes him highly sought after in the construction world. His devotion to the church is unbelievable. That is part of what makes this so difficult. All I ever wanted was a godly man, but this is to much."

Well, if you're holding out for Mr. Perfect, good luck. He doesn't exist. However, he could be the greatest man on the planet but if you don't love him it doesn't matter.

"I don't know what kind of answer I am looking for from folks here. Books that may help, suggestions, opinions, support. IDK. I just know he is driving me crazy and I don't know what to do."

Sounds like you're having some trouble at the moment. Quite possibly having a decent panic attack. What you're looking for is validation for what you're thinking/feeling from a bunch of strangers on the Internet. Albeit an awesome Internet forum filled with wonderful people.

I can certainly answer questions from the Aspie perspective but I cannot answer the question of what to do. That's up to you. If you want to leave the relationship but feel compelled to stay that's not good for anyone. However, if you think you may be able to work through things then stay. I don't know you or your husband so I can only give you a generic answer like that.

What does your therapist say about your feelings? How about the marriage counselor? What has your husband done with the knowledge that he may be on the spectrum? Has he sought to learn more about it? Do you learn about it together? Has he tried to be more mindful of his ways? Do you both talk together about things such as the separation and about the spectrum disorder? What expectations do you have for him that he is not living up to? How about your children? How do you feel about your child being on the spectrum?

Have you considered that you may also be on the spectrum?

http://www.autism.org.uk/About-autism/A ... ctrum.aspx



Toy_Soldier
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Jul 2012
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,370

17 Dec 2014, 1:09 pm

It sounds like a lot of important information came out in counseling... but then you both did not use that insight to improve your relationship. You must have gotten together based on some mutual like/love. That part is still in you maybe. But now you both have to disgard the garbage parts of Autism and PTSD, (ie. by him recognizing when its the Autism in control and controlling him and him not giving in to it) and get real and involved and concerned about one another again.



Insania2016
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 19 Oct 2012
Age: 47
Gender: Male
Posts: 55

17 Dec 2014, 1:35 pm

Sorry for the typos and grammar errors. I can't being distracted by my family. I can only afford so much attention lol

:wink:



Insania2016
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 19 Oct 2012
Age: 47
Gender: Male
Posts: 55

17 Dec 2014, 1:42 pm

xyz wrote:
I am not the person I was 20 years ago. I am a people pleaser and now I have failed at that.


We are always changing. Even Aspie's!

There is no failing being a people pleaser because that is an impossible thing anyways. If you're trying please your husband to calm his Aspie ways that will never happen. He will have to learn his own boundaries and take care of himself. You simply should just take care of yourself.



Insania2016
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 19 Oct 2012
Age: 47
Gender: Male
Posts: 55

17 Dec 2014, 1:52 pm

xyz wrote:
I try to communicate my needs and have for years. I talk to him and explain what I feel. That didn't help. I leave him clips I have xeroxed from books to explain how I feel. I have written how I feel and why and give it to him. I really just don't think he is capable of seeing things from someones point of view other then his. He immediately turns the tables on me and makes me the guilty one. He takes any words of advice or any suggestions as a direct threat or a sign of complete failure. He gets mad most anytime I try to make my needs known. So now I just keep quiet and don;t bother him with my petty needs.

Is it unfair that having to work so hard to be part of a team? I think he is incapable of become part of the team. It sucks for him to be on the outside looking in. It sucks for me trying to be part of his team in this marriage. A team is about being equal to all players, not just playing by the captains rules. Meaning it is always his way or the highway for me.


Yeah that doesn't work. It's too abstract. He'll think of it in concrete terms. Plus he may even think he is doing those things already when he is not. He has to do his part. That is very true. You both have a lot to learn and do. Leaving him won't solve all of your woes.

"He immediately turns the tables on me and makes me the guilty one."

Does he have a point?

"He takes any words of advice or any suggestions as a direct threat or a sign of complete failure."

Everything is usually taken as being directed toward what one is doing. I have this habit too and it takes a lot of effort to not react this way.



BTDT
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Jul 2010
Age: 60
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,088

17 Dec 2014, 2:21 pm

It might be helpful to change his label from "Aspie" to "Autistic"

From lots of us Aspies, the name doesn't make any difference, we are still the same person. But, I've found that labels are very important to NTs--I think with the Autistic label you may have a better chance of figuring out when he is acting as a controlling Aspie versus an out-of-control Autistic.

http://www.theguardian.com/society/2012 ... iatric-dsm



YippySkippy
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Feb 2011
Age: 43
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,986

17 Dec 2014, 2:50 pm

I will tell you what I'm always telling my husband - be blunt. Tell me exactly what you want. Don't hint, don't be "polite", don't assume anything. Just tell me as plainly as possible what you would like me to do or not do. That doesn't mean I'll always do it, but at least we'll both be clear about what you wanted. Otherwise, I may not even know that you wanted anything, and when you are annoyed that I didn't do it I won't notice that, either.
Seriously.

Here's an example:
I was getting ready to go shopping, and was making out a list. My husband said, "My phone is almost out of credit." I went to the store. When I came back, he asked me if I got him a phone card. I HAD NO IDEA HE WAS ASKING FOR ONE. (Capitalized for emphasis, not to yell at you)
So, don't say things like, "Do you want to watch Walking Dead with me?" if you really mean, "I want you to watch Walking Dead with me right now".

If he still doesn't do things you ask the majority of the time, and if your requests are reasonable, then he's a jerk and the autism is no excuse for that, imho.



B19
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 11 Jan 2013
Gender: Female
Posts: 9,993
Location: New Zealand

17 Dec 2014, 2:53 pm

xyz wrote:
BTDT wrote:
You say you feel neglected. How you communicating your needs?

Aspies are terrible at non-verbal communication--throwing non-verbal hints at him is like waving posterboard signs in front of someone unlucky enough to be born without eyes.

Is it unfair that you have to work so hard to be part of a team?

Unfair is having your partner being taken away by a horrible disease after making it the adjustments needed to make the marriage work.



I try to communicate my needs and have for years. I talk to him and explain what I feel. That didn't help. I leave him clips I have xeroxed from books to explain how I feel. I have written how I feel and why and give it to him. I really just don't think he is capable of seeing things from someones point of view other then his. He immediately turns the tables on me and makes me the guilty one. He takes any words of advice or any suggestions as a direct threat or a sign of complete failure. He gets mad most anytime I try to make my needs known. So now I just keep quiet and don;t bother him with my petty needs.

Is it unfair that having to work so hard to be part of a team? I think he is incapable of become part of the team. It sucks for him to be on the outside looking in. It sucks for me trying to be part of his team in this marriage. A team is about being equal to all players, not just playing by the captains rules. Meaning it is always his way or the highway for me.


You know that you are in the wrong team. So your choice is to stay or leave. Blaming him won't make you happier and probably makes him unhappier. Complaining won't make a difference. Judging him endlessly won't make him give you what you want. Why go on doing things that don't work? You know they don't work. Counselling for yourself alone might help you face any fears about your own future if you proceed to ending the marriage and facing life on your own. If you are staying out of fear of that, then the next forty years are going to be pretty sad and wasted ones.



BTDT
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Jul 2010
Age: 60
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,088

17 Dec 2014, 2:57 pm

YippySkippy wrote:
I will tell you what I'm always telling my husband - be blunt. Tell me exactly what you want. Don't hint, don't be "polite", don't assume anything. Just tell me as plainly as possible what you would like me to do or not do. That doesn't mean I'll always do it, but at least we'll both be clear about what you wanted. Otherwise, I may not even know that you wanted anything, and when you are annoyed that I didn't do it I won't notice that, either.
Seriously.

If he still doesn't do things you ask the majority of the time, and if your requests are reasonable, then he's a jerk and the autism is no excuse for that, imho.


This is very accurate advice.

Another thing that most of us have difficulty with--we are task oriented, not time oriented. We will work on something until we finish it. Most NTs are the opposite, they will quit after short period of time if they aren't making progress. We will stick with it for a looong amount of time... I can do many things NTs do not have the patience for, like holding things together until the glue sets.



B19
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 11 Jan 2013
Gender: Female
Posts: 9,993
Location: New Zealand

17 Dec 2014, 3:14 pm

I know people are different, however when my husband was alive, if someone in some kind of privileged observer status had suggested to me that he had x, y or z, whatever it was, I would have immediately begun finding out everything I could about it, not 3 years later, because his well-being and anything that affected or increased it was so important to me. Concern for the other's well-being is an important part of a loving marriage. Your concern seems not to be there in this respect, but focused entirely on your own needs. If so, then the outlook isn't very optimistic. You are both primarily focused on your own needs and concerns. That's more like a business arrangement than a marriage.



BTDT
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Jul 2010
Age: 60
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,088

17 Dec 2014, 7:22 pm

Before my wife passed, she taught me everything she knew about cooking. While she wanted me to hook up with someone after she was gone, she wanted to make sure I wouldn't rush into another relationship. Turns out I'm really good at cooking--tonight I found out that I can cook some dinner rolls and a slice of ham with a mustard/brown sugar/clove glaze in the oven and have the timing come out just right. :D



xyz
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 11 Dec 2014
Age: 49
Gender: Female
Posts: 51
Location: VA

19 Dec 2014, 12:17 am

Thank you for the warm welcome firstly. Now down to business. You brought out lots of good points. I am going to take out what is not needed to provide info and to provide a response then I will try to respond in between .



Hopefully I can offer some advice. I am married with 5 children so I am familiar with quite a bit in this department. I have also been divorced so I've experienced both the dark and light side of the force...

Take a deep breath... Exhale... Repeat. You're alive so there's always hope. :)


Thank you, with life there is hope
"I am new here and this is my first thread. I am nt sure if this is the right place for this thread or not."


"Let me explain. My hubby has Asperger's. I am not."

This would be issue number 1. You set yourself apart from your husband. Matrimony is a bonding of two people. Here you reveal you do not really see your relationship as a unit. Which, I guess is the whole point of your post but my method is to weed through the details first and then get to the big picture as it were.

understood
Issue #2 is you may not be on the spectrum while your husband is. Though at the very least you understand this fact. You have children that are also on the spectrum so you at least have some experience in dealing with other people on the spectrum.

"We have been married for 20 years. We have 3 kids. One of those 3 also is an aspie."

Congratulations! No small feat to be married for 20 years in this day and age. Only 1 child is an aspie? No ADHD, OCD, or other spectrum disorders with the others? Just curious, doesn't totally apply to the post but perhaps it may... we'll see. Having children in general is a stress on the relationship especially more so if they are on the spectrum. Stress makes everything seem worse.


I have an aspie son. I also have a son with ADD, as well as the great possibility of ODD, oppositional defiance disorder. IT is hard to tell if it is ODD or flat out anger at his father as it seems his father has favoritism towards the other aspie child. Child number 3 had autistic tendencies. She learns well and socializes well but has a thing for textures of clothes and textures of foods. We will have to wait on that one.

"For 15 years I assumed my Hubby was a narcissists."

That's a negative assumption to make to start with. What did you like about him when you first started dating or even during the early parts of your marriage?

I had the hardest time figuring out why he only thought of himself. I liked him in the beginning because he was authentic, and said what he believed. Like I used to show horses and he would say "man those rich girls are so spoiled." He'd often say what a jerk someone else was, who really was. He called it like he saw it which was something I was to timid to do. I took great security in that, until the tables turned on me.


"He was cold and calculated. He was borderline verbally abusive. I had no idea he was an aspie. He also has OCD or at least the therapist and I think so."

How was he verbally abusive?

He would get angry and yell at me and block the entrance out of the room so I would have to ask him to move, which was a way of intimidating me. He would stand over top of me and be almost up against me and raise his voice at me. Sometimes he would get right in my face and yell at me, so close he would spit on me while he talked. HE would tell me I was lazy , I was a slob, stupid, sorry, a pitiful excuse for a wife. He told me in front of the kids, to fix his food and put away his dishes, that is why he married a woman to have some to cook and clean up after him

I hope you and your therapist focus on you rather than what might be troubling your husband. For a long time you didn't think very well of your husband until it recently came to light he may be on the spectrum. I think a lot of that was probably anxiety induced assumptions about your husband's behavior. You mentioned you had PTSD and were a HSP. This makes sense to me...

We often talk in terms of what he does and what it means and that it often is not really words against me. Ex. When he calls and asks "Are you going to clean the car out today, after he has asked me 3 times, and called me on the phone twice about it. It really is not about the car, cleaning is what he does to regain control over the situation. So I then have to figure out what is going on in his environment that is out of control. Sometimes it is as simple as we have a meeting at church on a Monday night, and we can only have meetings on Sundays and Wednesdays. So it is the lack of routine that is bothering him.

Also your therapist should give you different guidance based on the new information. There's a big difference with dealing with a jerk versus dealing with someone on the spectrum.

"It may be just part of the Asperger's and the need for schedules and organization."

Aspies come in all flavors. Under a lot of stress and anxiety things like full-blown OCD can appear but wane once the pressure is gone. Routine is king! Do you like routines?

I have ADD, So routine is not a big deal to me. I can change my plans on the fly

This seems a little out place with the general flow what your saying. Is his need for routine irritating you the most right now?

I will admit his need for organization does make my life some what easier at times. Making hotel reservations is a good thing, knowing how much tickets to a theme park is a good idea. His need for routine is not to big of a deal. My aspie son very much has to have routine, far more then his father does.

"About 3 years ago we started marriage counseling."

Good! I'm sorry it took you folks 17 years. Did you perhaps have children in the past few years? Especially if no one knew about his asperger's diagnosis.

The last child is 7 years old now. She was kind of a surprise. It took him about 2 years to acknowledge her really.

One of our therapist that had only talked to my husband thought we only had 2 children, he didn't hardly speak to the aspie child for the first 8 years or so. My hubby always said he couldn't carry on conversation with him. He was just odd and he was not going to talk to someone who would not talk back or make eye contact with him, or who only wanted to talk about one thing.



"It was in marriage counseling that the therapist suggested he has aspergers. It is often hereditary. "When she said that it made total since. For 15 years I thought he was just being mean."

Well, being in the dark with such a thing would I can see how having a light might a world changer.

"I thought he choose to say rude things, or be extremely blunt, or act as if he only cared about himself."

Everything is a choice. Aspie or not. I can take time to consider my words or not. It might be more difficult to get the right words out but we can. Caring for others is a choice too.

"It was soooo helpful to know that it was not completely of his choosing. For a while it was a relief to know he was an aspie."

Doesn't sound like you are relieved. It doesn't excuse bad behavior and that can be modified depending on one's desire to do so.

He has been borderline abusive, the Therapist says he is so verbally abusive that if he were home more she would fell compelled to make the call to report abuse. But because he gets home around 7:00 and is not here all day, she feels he is not harmful enough to the kids to have him or them removed. It is a very close call sometimes weather they should be around him or not.

The oldest child, who is 17 now, he has absolutely no use for. The kid is like me. He is ADD and spacey and very free spirited and nature loving. He is also left handed if that tells you anything about the brain differences in him and his world and his father. This child talks in terms of "When dad is gone I want to....." . The aspie child who is 14 often retreats to his room. He is either oblivious to the world around him (most of the time) or he retreats because he knows his dad is going to come home and want to start in on someone. The littlest one ... wow, when her dad is being his self centered self and he says get away from me, leave me alone, how many times I gotta tell you I don't want to play with you, she will ask me "Why does daddy hate us?"


Well they weren't easy for 17 years prior. What made you think knowing he was an aspie would make it any easier? In some ways it is more challenging. What sort of mannerisms are you having trouble with?

I struggle with him just saying what ever he thinks. Like last weekend i came in to the bed room to get something and he said "did you come to see me, and before I could answer he said I know you didn't" How am I supposed to answer that. Sunday morning we were blessing the meal and he saw it was ready, I told him it was ready and we were all at the table, he looked at us and walked away. I toil everyone to go ahead and get there food we would give him more time. When we all got our food a few min had passed so I began to bless the meal and I could hear him coming back into the room and I stopped and asked him if he was coming we would wait for him. He snapped "I don't know what the hell the hurry is, it's like yall can't even wait for me." I was trying to be respectful and wait for him. He says stuff like that in front of the kids all the time. I try to make small talk, and I know small talk is not always an aspies strong point, but I saw some deer in a mans yard as we drove down the road. I said wow look at those deer. My hubby s response was "So what, what does that have to do with anything." I hear I didn't ask you for your opinion so shut up way to often. I hear "If I wanted to hear what you had to say I'd ask" There is not a lot of emotional connection between us. It is kind of hard to connect under these circumstances.
"I am 40. I am down right unhappy being married."

I'm around your age so I know you married young given what you've told us. Be careful with thinking 'what might have been'... That's dangerous. What might have been is a fantasy. Better to remember 'what is.' That is you are a 40 year old wife and mother. You are in a very rough spot in your marriage.

"Now that I know he is an aspie and that there is little chance that he will change and will most likely continue to be rude and self centered, I am struggling with the choice of weather I can remain married to him or not."

You know that he is an aspie but it sounds like you don't know very much about asperger's syndrome. Do you view your autistic child in this same way or do you feel that you can help them in some fashion?

My aspie child, I know his triggers and I can help him. He is 14 , 15 very soon. He has separation anxiety, he doesn't like bright lights, loud noise, and lots of people. I know that there are certain triggers that make it difficult for aspies and anyone autistic have a difficult time dealing with things. I think we all have those under some circumstances. I know that aspies often say what they think and think of them selves more then others, or at least my two aspies do. WE never know what kind f honesty is gonna come out of our aspie childs mouth. I also know that he can be thought correct responses. Don't tell people when they call, mom is on the crapper, say she will be with you in a min. I know aspies are quite literal. When a box of pizza neglects to mention to take the plastic wrap off the pizza and remove it from the box before you cook it it is a god idea to do those things even if the box doesn't say to. When I ask my hubby to watch the chilli on the stove while I run to the mail box, that doesn't mean to watch it boil over and burn the ban to the stove eye. But he is aspie, I get that. So I can say that is an understandable mistake.

"I can't begin to tell you how neglected I feel and how much I do not look forward to the next 40 years with this man."

I'm sorry you feel that. It's not a good feeling. Just recognize that you are looking at 40 years from the perspective of the moment which is filled with pain right now. I suspect if you felt this way your whole 20 years of marriage you would have left long ago.

I have felt this way for 10 years, but it has gotten stronger as we have added children. I didn't realize that the way we were living was so unusual until we had intensive in home therapy to come in. After all the therapist I have come to realize and recognize that the things that are happening are wrong. I now know different. I now it is not something I am stuck with and unable to change.

"I feel terrible for not being able to accept him for who he is. He has excepted me for my issues and I can't do the same. ( I have PTSD, and HSP -highly sensitive personality)"

You were able to accept him when you thought he was just a mean jerk. I suppose maybe you held out for hope that you could change him perhaps before the suspicion of asperger's came up? In the end you can only like what you like. Don't beat yourself up over it.

True, I thought I could convince him otherwise, convince him to be nice, show him that being nice pays off, but now that we have the label of aspergers does that mean I am stuck with mean and ill tempered for ever.

"Living with this man leaves me feeling so beat down emotionally, it leaves me with no self esteem. I feel very controlled by him, and I am on the boarder of depression due to being married to someone who is self centered."

You have been depressed for awhile I think. I also think it has more to do than just your husband. You mentioned you have PTSD and are a HSP...

I have PTSD from a past rape, and from a very abusive relationship in which brain washing and a lot of different forms of control were used. My hubby resorts to seem of these same tactics in order to get his needs met regardless of what the impact is on me. ex. bumping into me after we have a heated discussion, (he knows that scares me) blocking the entrance, (makes me feel trapped) standing intentionally where I need to be so I have to ask him to move please. ( it's a mind game)

As for the controlling part -

He was having me wash the grass outside. Some cooking oil got spilled on it. I had to wash the grass with dawn dish detergent and a water hose. He was keeping track of how much electricity we used every day and monitoring the meter box and limiting how much were could use in a days time. He demanded that the gravel in our drive way be picked up and removed because they had mud on them." So me and the kids had to pick up all the dirty rocks. The intensive in home therapist made most of those things cease. She told him STOP or she was going to have the kids removed. That was strange and unusual punishment and she had the authority to do that. So he stopped for the most part.

He controls the money. I don't work outside the home. He controls the money. He gives me a set amount and says now this is enough to get you to x, y and z, the rest of the time you set your butt home. You have no business leaving this house. He calls every few hours and I better be here to answer the phone, so much so that I don;t even like to go outside for fear that the phone will ring and I won't be in the house to answer it.


I think you both might benefit from getting some books or reading some more about adults with asperger's might help. There are plenty out there.

I have read some great books, I can;t get him to read them. I can understand if reading is not your thing. I have read to him. I have xeroxed parts of books and give him select clips. He says he doesn't like to read and doesn't have time to read but he sure likes to read face book and he reads the bible all the time

"Now that I know it is aspergers we are dealing with I have become more aware that these issues are part of my husbands personality."

I will have to answer the rest of the questions in a part II. My battery is going dead.
Why does he have to be a bad guy for you to leave? What makes you think he won't learn and grow from this? What makes you think you won't? If you feel all is lost, hopeless, you don't love him, then leave. I doubt you truly feel that way though otherwise you wouldn't be here.

"My Hubby does have some great traits don't get me wrong. The aspergers gives him the ability to run a business and be a business owner. He is in construction and the attention he gives to detail makes him highly sought after in the construction world. His devotion to the church is unbelievable. That is part of what makes this so difficult. All I ever wanted was a godly man, but this is to much."

Well, if you're holding out for Mr. Perfect, good luck. He doesn't exist. However, he could be the greatest man on the planet but if you don't love him it doesn't matter.

"I don't know what kind of answer I am looking for from folks here. Books that may help, suggestions, opinions, support. IDK. I just know he is driving me crazy and I don't know what to do."

Sounds like you're having some trouble at the moment. Quite possibly having a decent panic attack. What you're looking for is validation for what you're thinking/feeling from a bunch of strangers on the Internet. Albeit an awesome Internet forum filled with wonderful people.

I can certainly answer questions from the Aspie perspective but I cannot answer the question of what to do. That's up to you. If you want to leave the relationship but feel compelled to stay that's not good for anyone. However, if you think you may be able to work through things then stay. I don't know you or your husband so I can only give you a generic answer like that.

What does your therapist say about your feelings? How about the marriage counselor? What has your husband done with the knowledge that he may be on the spectrum? Has he sought to learn more about it? Do you learn about it together? Has he tried to be more mindful of his ways? Do you both talk together about things such as the separation and about the spectrum disorder? What expectations do you have for him that he is not living up to? How about your children? How do you feel about your child being on the spectrum?

Have you considered that you may also be on the spectrum?



kcizzle
Blue Jay
Blue Jay

User avatar

Joined: 28 Feb 2013
Age: 48
Gender: Female
Posts: 96

19 Dec 2014, 5:56 am

You are unhappy, your kids are unhappy, your husband is probably unhappy and there is the possibility that your children will be removed from the family home if the situation continues. It's gone beyond "can we make this relationship work". You should be looking to first avoid losing your children and then seeing they get some help to repair the emotional damage that has already been done (the bit about the youngest being ignored for the first two years of her life is particularly worrying). From what you have written, you and your children are being abused, your therapist has it on record and you need to take control before the state does it for you.



xyz
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 11 Dec 2014
Age: 49
Gender: Female
Posts: 51
Location: VA

19 Dec 2014, 8:33 am

There were a few questions I left unanswered. My computer died. I'd like to take this time to do that now.


Well, if you're holding out for Mr. Perfect, good luck. He doesn't exist. However, he could be the greatest man on the planet but if you don't love him it doesn't matter.

No one is perfect. There is no Mr.Perfect or a Miss Perfect. We all have our issues and down falls.

"I don't know what kind of answer I am looking for from folks here. Books that may help, suggestions, opinions, support. IDK. I just know he is driving me crazy and I don't know what to do."

Sounds like you're having some trouble at the moment. Quite possibly having a decent panic attack. What you're looking for is validation for what you're thinking/feeling from a bunch of strangers on the Internet. Albeit an awesome Internet forum filled with wonderful people.

Very correct. Panic attack was indeed in progress. I had the therapist that same day. I was still feeling raw from that. A few ill words from a pissed off man, and the set up was perfect. But the facts do remain the same regardless of the state of panic or the lack of panic. Agreed, I am looking for validation. A kind word and a little validation goes a long way. I have the same human needs as others, to be heard, to be understood and to be validated. I don't have to be agreed with just heard.

I can certainly answer questions from the Aspie perspective but I cannot answer the question of what to do. That's up to you. If you want to leave the relationship but feel compelled to stay that's not good for anyone. However, if you think you may be able to work through things then stay. I don't know you or your husband so I can only give you a generic answer like that.

What does your therapist say about your feelings? How about the marriage counselor? What has your husband done with the knowledge that he may be on the spectrum? Has he sought to learn more about it? Do you learn about it together? Has he tried to be more mindful of his ways? Do you both talk together about things such as the separation and about the spectrum disorder? What expectations do you have for him that he is not living up to? How about your children? How do you feel about your child being on the spectrum?

What does the therapist say? How about the marriage counselor? They are the same. What started out as marriage counseling turned to my own personal therapy for the PTSD and the reasons I have PTSD. My husband is angry with the therapist because she calls it like it is and it steps on his toes. He says he is not going to pay someone to tell him he is wrong, he can get that at home or anywhere. She is helping me to see the light. Not swaying my opinion but to recognize what is going on. She specializes in trauma's so she understands fully why I do what I do and she understands the difficulties I have. She says what is going on is just like battered wife syndrome minus the battery. They both have the same affect on the brain. That is why this is so hard for me to escape.

What has my hubby done with the info that he is an aspie? Nothing. Has he sought to learn more? NOPE. In his eyes he says everyone has something, some kind of issue if you look hard enough and so what, this might be what he has. After meeting with the psychiatrist it is not a might, it has been confirmed. He went threw all the tests all the questions everything.

Does he try to be more mindful? I think he does. He really just doesn't recognize what he says. Ex. He gave me grocery money for a month and as he gave it to me he said "Here, here is the grocery money for a month, don't you ask me for another dime for another month." I told him a later that what he said was not appropriate. All he needed to say was "here is the grocery money." Maybe even say "I'm not going to have any more money to spare for a month" if he was trying to make it clear that there was nothing else. No need to throw that extra little kick in there.

Do we talk about separating? We do. He knows that I am not happy and that it is not looking good from my point of view. I have suggested a 6 - 9 mo trial separation. I have never lived alone. I went from living at home to being married. I got married when I was 19. Granted I don't have to work and he takes care of everything, but just because I stay at home doesn't mean I do nothing. 20 years at home comes with it's own trials. It is hard mentally. A week at home drives him crazy, try 20 years. He is opposed to separating. He says he is not going to give me all his money and live somewhere else to. He says people who have a trial separation don't get back together so if we separate it is finial. I need to heal ME from the the things that caused the PTSD and I can't do that living in a triggering environment. I need to heal and get past the things he has done to me and I can't do that while living in a triggering environment. I can't be what he needs. what my kids need or what I need the way I am now. I can't guarantee I will be able to get over some of this stuff and come back a super loving wife and mom. I can't guarantee what I will want when this is over. I don;t know if I will want is subject myself to the same things as before we got separated or if I will see things in a different light due to separating. So I can't ask him to "wait and see" that is not fair to him. I could find I that our kids are very happy with out him or I could find the struggles are not worth it. I can understand the uncertainty there, especially the uncertainty and how that is difficult for aspies, and well lots of folks."

How do I feel about the child who is an aspie? It takes some effort to adapt to his needs. But I explained to him that being an aspie is a gift from God. It gives him special abilities and things come to him naturally that others have to work hard to acquire. He could medicate some of the stresses away but if you medicate things away then some of the gifts go away to. He is rude and blunt as well, hard to tell if that is the nature of the disorder or if that is the nature of doing what he sees. I to see his aspergers as a gift, as are most autistic disorders, mental issues, and learning disabilities. It provides such wonder gifts to a boring world. What a boring world this would be if we all operated the same. Variety is the spice of life.


Have you considered that you may also be on the spectrum?

Absolutely, and I very well may be, but more in a autistic tendencies non other specified kinda way. I am sure I fall on that spectrum some what. I have HSP. That is not a true autistic term and issue. It is just a fact. Many things that are simple are multiplied by 10 in how my mind views them. A slightly raised voice sounds like a full blown yell to me. A little anger seems like a mad as hell to me. Frustration scares me. Noise is multiplied. The TV is to loud, the radio is to loud, the kids are to loud. Though there is a good chance they are all loud, the volume in which I hear is VERY LOUD. Who knows if the at is the HSP or the PTSD . I have issues with touch. I do not like being hugged, no cuddling, no affection. If I ask for a back rub you can bet I am in some serious pain.
I don't touch other people either. So it is quite difficult for my hubby to feel loved if it involves minimal touch. If my issues get in the way and my issues are something someone else can't live with then I am sorry and divorce is the best answer. At this point I don't see my issues changing. But trying to figure out if my issues are based on PTSD or if it is HSP is hard to tell with out taking some serious time to straighten this stuff out in an environment that is safe and free of triggers.



Insania2016
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 19 Oct 2012
Age: 47
Gender: Male
Posts: 55

21 Dec 2014, 8:55 am

Wow! He sounds more like a manipulative sociopath than someone who has Asperger's. The things you describe are emotional abuse, emotional blackmail, controlling behavior, are all the hallmarks of an abuser. Having Asperger's Syndrome is no excuse for behaving like that! There's no way in hell you should put up with that!

I was in a similiar position in the past. Not quite as bad as you describe but it took about 10 years for me to decide to leave. For a long time my ways and thoughts were made to look like they were the bad. The only way I could do good was to stay. I finally started talking to other people and figured out it was not a good situation. I didn't feel it was before but felt that I had to stay.

I cannot tell you what to do. Granted I'm only hearing one side of the story. However if everything you're saying is true then you kick his ass out or leave. Don't let him scare you about money. He is legally obligated to pay child support and possibly spousal support since he has abused you. Don't listen to that crap that it is all your PTSD and HSP or whatever either. Manipulators and abusers will throw that in your face to make you think you're overreacting. Total crap. You eventually start to believe it yourself. Then when you go to counselling you'll come off as if you are just being oversensitive as well. Your PTSD and HSP probably comes from the abuse you got from that guy!

Life is short and miserable on it's own. No need to help it along. Enjoy yourself for a change.