Searching for answers - my husband has aspergers

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Hi,

My husband was diagnosed with aspergers approx. 6 mths ago and while we are understanding more about how he sees yellow and I see blue, we keep getting stumped when it comes to applying this knowledge & aren't reducing the triggers from occuring....for both of us. Is it possible for us to meet somewhere in the middle and see green??? If so, where do we start?

I would really appreciate any feedback from anyone who has an AS hubby or is an AS hubby, and who have been able to overcome or manage this problem.

Cheers

Hi,

I 'lucked out' in the way I overcame this situation; I married an asian woman before I knew I had Asperger's (I'm Euro-American). We've been excusing our 'blue/yellow' differences as cultural clashes, rather than relational issues, for so long that we've worked out most of the difficulties without being discouraged by a mere diagnostic label.

Your hubby will take things literally, so (for example) if you want him to take out the trash, ask him to instead of mentioning that the trash bin is getting full. He will not pick up on subtle clues, so tell him what's bothering you, instead of expecting him to simply know. And if he asks "How many people were there?" give him a number, instead of a roll call.

Think 'Mister Spock' instead of 'Doctor Phil'.

I hope this helps. Best wishes!

i dont understand why you need to be making the green. cannot you both just keep your colours?

Fnord.......you are a legend!

The idea of sorting out a cultural difference instead of revealing inadequacies (huge stressor for hubby) is priceless.

Think 'Mister Spoke'......I love it! You have packaged it in a simple way that I can understand and apply.

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond.

Cheers!

Hi tomamil,

We will always be yellow & blue.....we're just trying to find the best way to work together instead of bouncing off each other.

Cheers.

Aspie husband here.

The biggest challenges for me, which tend to get me stressed and meltdown, are:

Social events. Don't force social events on an Aspie. These can be hell. Over the years I have reached the point where I can cope in a lot of social situations, but I must be left alone in my own world. If I feel I can join in I will, but otherwise I can't be made to do things. Parties where everyone has to join in are no-go - if people start trying to make me play party games, dance etc I will now just walk out. Small is beautiful - I am much better at small events such as a meal with a couple of other people I know well, than a huge gathering.

Unclear comments. I don't understand statements with underlying non-specific ideas or requests. For example, "The lunch needs making" could be a statement of fact, or "I'm going to make lunch in a second" or "You need to make lunch". I just can never tell what I'm being told or asked if it's ambiguous or has subtle gestures or tones.

Sensory overload. This is difficult with kids as I can't stand multiple sensory inputs - the car + family is the worst place. I also don't like being touched a lot of the time - this makes me seem cold and unloving, but it's just me.

Sudden unexpected changes of plan. If something is organised and going to plan then its fine, but even little changes can drive me mental.

Lack of punctuality. I have to be on time for things and with me that means being quite early, because I need the time to calm myself, get organised etc, especially if it's somewhere I haven't been before or with people I haven't met before.

Redirection. If I've gone through the whole process of getting something started through my own volition, I cannot stand being redirected. To me that says you're not doing it right or someone else's way is better or "despite the fact it's taken you an age to overcome your fears, I'm going to make you do it another way".

A recent example of this is that one of my kids is now going to school on the way to my work. I decided the route, where I would park, how they would walk to the school, and as soon as I'd organised it my wife goes "well, don't you think it would be easier dropping them here?". Maybe it was easier in that it took me less off the direct route to work, but it meant stopping in heavy traffic with the potential of people getting annoyed and me getting stressed at the situation.

Being disturbed. When I'm deeply into something I cannot stand being dragged away to talk about things, as I'm very focussed on what I'm doing. This might be if I'm involved in a hobby, house maintenance or even just watching a favourite TV show.

G'day tacit ans welcome to WP.

First off, I know I have a lot of AS traits, but don't know if I would be dx'd as AS (but I think the criteria is fuzzy and therefore crap from a logical viewpoint, which I suppose is an AS trait in itself)

1. no so much for me. So long as I have someone there I feel I can be with. I can go to school functions and do a quick "meet and greet" with other parents, so long as I can mingle. If I "hit and run" or keep a "moving target" I am ok with things like that.
2. yes
3. yes, yes, yes
4. yes
5. no. Its usually me who is not punctual
6. yes
7. yes - definitely

Hi there,

I was told to read this post by my husband (this is his login), he said it would make me laugh and he was not wrong! You and your hubby and me and mine are in an almost identical situation (minus the kids). Hubby has also just recently been diagnosed as Asperger's (last October I think it was). We knew there was 'something up' for a long time. He's known since he was a child and had been diagnosed all sorts of things over the years. The Asperger's diagnosis, which came right of the blue might I add, was actually a huge relief (for him and me). It gave us something to work on at the very least.

Anyway, before I give you our life stories...... you did ask for a little help....

What the fellow above me said was perfectly right (in my experience at least), don't beat around the bush, come straight to the point. I laughed because after he said to read this post, I said 'go make me a coffee then and I'll go read it'. What normally would happen is, I'd say 'I could do with a cuppa' and end up making it myself. Silly example I know but still.

Something I have noticed since he was diagnosed, is that I am far more patient with him these days. In the past he would drive me round the bend and to be honest frustrate the hell out of me, which would lead to an awfully stressful atmosphere that wouldn't shift for literally hours. These days, with me having more patience and a much better understanding of the situation and him taking things less seriously and a little more lightly, any misunderstandings (and boy there are many!), are overcome much quicker.

Another thing, which I am going to regret typing because my hubby will end up reading this is ..... Change the subject quickly if the conversation is going to go downhill in any way. I will come out with any old random nonsense to throw him off track and focus somewhere else for a minute. Another one, point to your lips and say 'gimme a kiss'. That one throws him too :p. Use your imgination on this one, because I'm not gonna give my other secrets away, better I have the upper hand than my hubby!

Anyway, I'm sure there's a bunch of other stuff I do these days without thinking, but I don't want to babble for ages. Also, I'm quite jealous of your hubby and his timekeeping thing, mine's the complete oppposite and it drives me potty!

Good luck to you m'dear and I'm sure over time things will fall into place nicely. I don't kid myself that everything will be perfect, but with a little patience and a wry smile, least it's a little more bearable!

Regards to you and your hubby

Well, I was going to post this really long and detailed reply but Igor beat me to it and he's got most of the issues nailed down. Just remember that most of us HATE social occassions because of the environment and we do tend to take things literally. The only thing I would add is that sometimes it helps if you work out a set of signals between you. That way if your other half does something that's a little outside the social norm you can tell him to stop without letting anyone else know what's going on.

VS

Really excellent thread. A spouses survival guide.

Be direct, literal, and don't expect that he is listening to you if he is involved with something. You will have to get his attention first.

I have AS myself and have two suggestions for spouses of those with AS:

1. As I think someone else mentioned, patience is sooo important.

2. If you feel offended by something that your AS spouse does, don't assume that they meant to offend. It's possible that they may have no idea that they said or did something that bothered you - and even less clue as to what it was that they said/did.