Seem to have it all, but just can't relate/feel truly happy.

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notanearthling
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25 May 2013, 11:54 pm

Hello everyone. Long time reader, first time poster.

I suppose I should start with my story... I'm almost 30, been married almost 7 years. My husband is wonderful. I would probably be dead in the gutter without him or him caring for my basic needs which I often forget on my own as I become so involved and focused on certain subjects.

I grew up in foster care. When I aged out at 18, I got a scholarship and eventually went on to be an officer in the military. Had a fairly successful 4 years, but never really "belonged" anywhere in the military. Was always the oddball. Bullied a lot by other officers. Never really got into the drinking or hazing environment.

Got out at 4 years, primarily due to a sudden illness. Turned out to be severe lupus. I went through chemo, and after 2 years the doctors finally have it under control. Unfortunately I had to wait almost 20 months for my VA Disability to go through. Until then, I couldn't get any medical care for my lupus despite it coming on during Active Duty. As a result, I had to recently declare bankruptcy due to medical bills.

For the most part... I got it all. The bankruptcy went very smoothly, had a great lawyer and support network. I really never stressed about it. Trust me, I know it's a HUGE deal... but I already own my dream home. I have a 6-figure job in a highly technical field that fits in Aspergers traits very well. I have a wonderful husband. I take antidepressants to deal with lupus-related pain and depression, and occasionally I need the help of narcotic painkillers. To me, money is some human invention that I feel shouldn't rule my life or my self-esteem.

Trust me, I know what it's like to be without money. I started out homeless and broke before all this. I guess because I've been so poor before and survived it, I'm not particularly afraid of it. The bankruptcy truly gave me a new start on life, with my new house and job. So again... I didn't really stress it. Plus it really wasn't my fault.

Fast forward to a year later... my VA disability came through and I have relatively OK healthcare. My job is amazing, it pays great and I love my work. My husband is great. I live back at home where I always wanted to return. I am young, been told I'm relatively attractive. Problem is... I have no charisma whatsoever. I feel like I am an alien. I never fit in socially. I am entirely disconnected socially.

It's so very frustrating. Sometimes it depresses me so much, especially as I think about my chronic illness which may very well demand help from friends one day. But I really don't have any, and every time I try to socialize, I feel so painfully awkward it's ridiculous.

I don't have a biological family so having a friend-based support network is very important. Logically I KNOW this... but emotionally, it's as if I'm completely numb. I've been bullied so much over my childhood that the social part of me never developed, or it simply can't because of my Aspergers.

I read "The Asperger's Guide to Earthlings", and I found that very helpful. It helped me to have a lot more compassion for those around me. But I still don't feel like I can relate or even read social cues. It's all compounded by another fact... I just don't really care for "typical" human activities. They are so incredibly dull and boring.

So why am I posting? Not sure. Looking for support. Maybe someone else who is feeling "alien" and wondering why they seem to have it all but still can't feel totally happy and "connected". Maybe just to get my story out there and vent. Anyway... hope someone else is out there listening.



redrobin62
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26 May 2013, 12:12 am

Hi. Welcome to Wrong Planet. Unlike you, I haven't "had it all" - no spouse, no house, no six figure salary. This is actually my 2nd go around as I've been dead before. Like you I've known homelessness. I've also known drug abuse and suicide. That's no fun. I couldn't imagine "having it all" and still being miserable. What is that empty space you have that needs filling? Do you crave adventure? Are you in the wrong field? Do you think that perhaps you don't deserve the good fortunes you have? Do you wish to have kids? Just curious.



notanearthling
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26 May 2013, 12:36 am

I'm sorry you have not had fortune yet. But hang in there... I promise we will all get where we want to be as long as we keep trying! Is there anything I can do to help? Maybe you can help me dissect my issues, and maybe I can help you professionally!

I'm not sure. I wish I had the answer. Maybe some recent situations will help us break it down...

For example, I was at a pretty high power conference this week. Lots of networking, etc. Which in my world... is literally the worst nightmare you can imagine. I already have a horrible social self-esteem. So there were lots of self-initiated introductions, parties, etc.

Well... I skipped almost every social event.

Why? Because when I arrived, I didn't know anyone. Standing there alone made me feel like a total loser. I couldn't tell who wanted to talk to me, because of my complete inability to pick up on social cues. So I ended up leaving every single one after being there for maybe 5 minutes. I just couldn't TAKE it. When people tried to speak to me, I always felt like they were just being polite and that I was boring them. I'm so tired of being dismissed as being "boring" or too cranial.

But deep down, I am so sick of being lonely and not being able to just be "normal". Everything people talk about, other than work, is completely boring to me. I don't care about sports, drinking, inane stuff... I want to talk physics and philosophy. I CRAVE to find others that are like me... but at the same time, I have this conflicting feeling that I don't want to socialize and would be perfectly happy working in my lab and being away from people. But maybe... just maybe... if I found another Aspie or someone who I genuinely felt understood me (friends-wise), maybe I could be social.

Does any of that make sense? I'm sorry if it doesn't. :(

On the outside, it probably doesn't LOOK like I have everything... I mean, someone who is currently bankrupt, constantly ill and on painkillers, living in a relatively small home that needs lots of work... etc... probably doesn't HAVE it all from a traditional sense. But coming from someone who was once homeless and jobless... to me it feels like I have it all. I'm sure you understand.



notanearthling
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26 May 2013, 12:38 am

PS.... I also have had some addiction and deep depression/suicide issues... a long time ago. I understand... please let me know if you ever want to chat in private or need to rant. The only thing that got me thru these times was music since forums were't big back in the days when I struggled.



notanearthling
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26 May 2013, 12:46 am

PSS... Last one, promise. Another issue I have is intimacy. I HATE it when people touch me. I also have issues with clothing... I hate it when it's tight or touching me a certain way. Like, to the point where I can't stand it and will physically uncontrollably fight it.

Obviously, in a marriage, this can cause some issues. I have very slowly been able to become better about being touched, but there are still certain spots that I will probably never accept. I hate it myself sometimes, because I know my husband WANTS to enjoy every part of my body. But there's just.... SOMETHING inside me that hates it. I understand this can be part of autism. Not sure... but it's one of those things.

Wellbutrin was supposed to help, but the only thing it's really helped was my energy levels related to my lupus. Maybe I need more? I'm at 200 a day right now.

Arg so frustrating to WANT a connection but just unable to FEEL it.



cathylynn
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26 May 2013, 1:09 am

I don't have many friends. I like to sing, so I joined a choir and met a friend there. I went to a twelve-step group and made a couple friends. one has died. maybe you could join a book club or other interest group like the league of women voters. take an interest in people.

I agree totally that drinking and hazing are worse than a waste of time. there are lots of folks who feel the same. you just need the opportunity to meet them.

you obviously have some social skills or you wouldn't be happily married. you say you feel socially awkward. do you have social anxiety?

also, in the meantime, try not to let your lack of friends rob you of the sense of satisfaction you deserve for your other accomplishments.



cathylynn
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26 May 2013, 1:18 am

do you feel a connection to your husband?



cathylynn
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26 May 2013, 1:21 am

maybe you could take an evening philosophy course and become friends with the professor.



GregCav
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26 May 2013, 2:19 am

Your description of your social life sounds exactly like my own. I work in an Engineering office. Nice and busy, I can keep to myself and do my thing. I'll sometimes come out and socialise, but its on my terms. Socialising because someone else is having a birthday is just so "who cares" for me.

I don't thin you answered redrobin62's question yet though. What exactly is the problem?

Perhaps finding or inventing a hobby for weekends would be a good thing. Give you another focus and something to look forward to of a weekend.

And Welcome, this is a great board. I love it here, I feel comfortable.