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aspeintheUK
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13 Feb 2010, 4:51 pm

hi. im 33 years and i still live with my mum. ive moved out twice in my life, both obviously ended up with me moving back home. the first time was in 97-2000 when i went to university and i lived with my sister for 3 years. i could not make any friends at all so i ended up coming home most weekends because i felt lonely. the second time was in 2007 for 3 months when i went to university again to do a postgraduate degree. this time my inability to make friends and social connections pushed me into a terrible depression and i had to withdraw. the point is i feel like i am unable to live alone without my mum. she is quite sickly and the only family i have left. i worry that if something happens to her i may not be able to cope. i miss the feeling of being a part of a family when my mum and dad, me and my sister all lived under the same roof. ive never been able to hold down a job for any great period of time and im basically unemployable. i struggle tremendously with depression, anxiety and loneliness. can anyone give me any advice on how i can break my codependency on my mum?



Peko
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13 Feb 2010, 5:05 pm

Start by applying for a job & getting out to socialize with nerds (anime conventions, chess clubs, etc.).


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jagatai
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23 Feb 2010, 7:30 pm

Is there a way you can move out gradually? For example, live back and forth, one week with your sister, one week with your mum? Or perhaps finding a place to live, close by where you could see her frequently, but also learn to live on your own? Perhaps these are obvious strategies.

When I moved from home, late for most people, I shared a house with one of my mother's former students with whom I had become friends. This was in a town 20 miles from my parents and I would visit them every weekend. After about a year, I found my dependency on these relationships becoming less critical.

In any case, from what you say, it seems vital that you work through this problem and find a way to live successfully on your own. It sounds like you need a few more people whom you can call on. I know it's hard to approach people, but despite what it feels like, most people may be a good deal more welcoming than they seem.

I was rather taken by surprise recently when a friend that I call about once a week (and I always worry that she will feel inconvenienced whenever I call) happily said she wouldn't mind if I called every day. The point is we tend to think others will become overloaded by having to deal with us when they may be perfectly happy to have us impose upon them far more than we ever would.

It seems to me that you need to make a project of this. You need to start taking small steps toward self reliance. Start with the smallest of steps such as simply smiling at people more often. It's almost nothing at all, but it can help. It may never be easy, but it can be easier than it is now.

Another idea; would it be possible to find a few people on this forum who are also working on moving from home and see if you can challenge each other. It's a bit like people who are trying to loose weight who share ideas, recipes and support. When you have a few people you can discuss your troubles with, some of the things that seem insurmountable can become a little easier.

I hope this helps.

Lars



Joe90
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14 Nov 2010, 2:01 pm

I do want to be indepenant, and I am capable of it, and I'm not being lazy - but I don't want to move out and live on my own. I know I will get lonely, and although I hate hearing noises from my room (like doors slamming, kettles boiling, TVs chattering, people talking), but I know that if I moved out I will probably start missing all those noises. I will probably feel isolated, and if a family member did come to visit me, I will be sorry when they go again.
Also, no-one in Britain can just move out and live on their own in a house no more (unless they're rich), so I'll just be given a cheap little flat, surrounded by noisy rowdy neighbours. That's what the council give youngsters these days, under 25. Especially if they're on their own, starting from scratch. And I don't want to be surrounded by noisy people in a block of flats. I will get picked on for sure, and I'll feel on edge all the time.
I wouldn't mind if I moved out with a bloke, and fell in love, because I won't feel so alone. Especially if I got married to him. I won't feel so lonely and isolated then.


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LadyMadonna
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15 Nov 2010, 8:44 pm

There's nothing wrong with caring for/living with your mom, especially if she'd doing poorly. It's probably good for her to have you around! But there's no reason why you can't expand your horizons a bit, make friends, and maybe even find a nice guy.

What about special interest groups? Think of something you love and connect with other people who do too...Craigslist, yahoo, or meetup.com are good for this. It takes a little bit of resolve to get started, but you might just find the extra family you're looking for.



SamRen
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16 Nov 2010, 5:59 am

Sounds like AS compounded with clinical depression and possibly an anxiety disorder. I think that talking to a doctor about it might be a good step. Also, get regular exercise. It's a fantastic mood regulator. That said, you really are in a spot where feeling a bit sad is completely reasonable... but if the sadness is interfering with your courage, motivation, or generally turning into a real barrier, you may need help.

For meeting people and being around others, maybe try some volunteer work? I've been a volunteer coordinator, and I was often trying to match people up with jobs that did them as much good as they did for us. You just need to be clear about what would make a positive experience for you.



Taupey
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05 Dec 2010, 1:55 pm

aspeintheUK wrote:
hi. im 33 years and i still live with my mum. ive moved out twice in my life, both obviously ended up with me moving back home. the first time was in 97-2000 when i went to university and i lived with my sister for 3 years. i could not make any friends at all so i ended up coming home most weekends because i felt lonely. the second time was in 2007 for 3 months when i went to university again to do a postgraduate degree. this time my inability to make friends and social connections pushed me into a terrible depression and i had to withdraw. the point is i feel like i am unable to live alone without my mum. she is quite sickly and the only family i have left. i worry that if something happens to her i may not be able to cope. i miss the feeling of being a part of a family when my mum and dad, me and my sister all lived under the same roof. ive never been able to hold down a job for any great period of time and im basically unemployable. i struggle tremendously with depression, anxiety and loneliness. can anyone give me any advice on how i can break my codependency on my mum?


I don't think there is anything wrong with living with your Mum, especially in this day and age when everything is so expensive. But like you said your Mum's not going to be around for ever. Is there such things as group homes or flats for people who are disabled and or unable to work apart from the flats where the rowdy people live? Some times there are lists you can go on and wait for something decent to become available to live in. I don't know what's available in the UK but maybe you can start calling the social services and do a little investigating and researching to see what is available and see what options you do have.


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Adamantus
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12 Dec 2010, 5:01 pm

That sounds awful aspeintheUK. I had similar experienced but not to the same degree. I lived at home until uni. I went there, studied, had no fun and then returned home. I got so depressed living at home and I felt so bad I forced myself away to live independantly again. I've stayed away from home ever since but I'm on benefits and don't have jobs. But I doubt you are unemployable as you say. You seem pretty intelligent from what you've said here. I'd say you say that because people judge you and wouldn't give you a job in a company very easily. Off the top of my head, perhaps consider working from home for example an online seller on Amazon / Ebay - it's something I've thought about.

I suppose it depends on what your needs are and whether you can realistically take care of yourself. Are the problems emotional / physical? What immediately springs to mind is talk to a doctor about this, they will give helpful advise or refer you on. Counsellors are particularly good for referals like this as well. Mine has referred me to employment workers for example.