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amberzak
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17 Nov 2012, 6:16 am

So I have finally got the first step towards a diagnoses. It's a fantastic woman, by the way, on a website called actionforaspergers.co.uk.
Problem is, well it's not really a problem and I am so happy that I finally have a diagnoses. It's just I feel a bit weird too.

I am higher on the spectrum that I first thought. I scored 42 on the test thing she did out of 50, and she said she hadn't seen someone that high for a long time. She also said that the aspergers doesn't get better, I just improve on my coping mechanisms (I might have slightly misquoted her, she said it in a really supportive way).

Anyway, I don't know why I am feeling so down. I hoped getting a diagnoses would mean I would accept myself more. I'm sure I will come to that acceptance, and certainly I don't feel frustrated any more, like I used to. But I'm going to be like this forever. No matter how normal I can make myself appear (and I am not very good at that) I will always feel like this. And what happens when my husband and I start trying for a baby next year? How will I ever forgive myself if I pass this on to them?

I am training to be a teacher, and I am not doing too badly. Except that I was in University yesterday and apparently I talk too much to people in the staffroom and can't tell when they are busy. Back in January, when I started a course which led to the teacher training, I was told I appear to be unfriendly and my tutor wanted me to try and talk to people. Seems I can't get the balance right. But why can't people just say 'can't talk now, I'm busy'. What is wrong with saying that to me? I am now scared of going back to school because I thought I was doing okay.

My mentor, and my university tutor know about the aspergers, and a copy of the letter about my diagnoses has just gone on my file, therefore they cannot use this as grounds for failing me as long as my teaching is okay. According to my university tutor, who I trust explicitly and he is amazing, I am on track, making the mistakes every student teacher makes, and so doing perfectly fine. He has no concerns.

Anyway, sorry, I think I just needed to voice some of how I am feeling.

Has anyone else gone through something similar post diagnoses?


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one-A-N
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17 Nov 2012, 7:06 am

Yep.

I wouldn't be surprised if post-diagnosis blues are fairly common - at least for those who are diagnosed in (say) middle age.

I think there could be lots of issues involved. I certainly think I was reacting to the common prejudices about people with disorders and disabilities - that they are broken, impaired, weird, tragic, and need to be treated like they are strange and alien. I suddenly realised that I am "one of them", so I had to begin confronting those attitudes in myself, which I had simply absorbed from the NT society around me without thinking about it. I have read some online material about "ableism" (the prejudices that the majority have about the minority of people with various disabilities, disorders, and differences) - I personally find that material helpful, and want to read further (it takes time to reshape you attitudes). And I think it is good to have connections to people with other conditions - e.g. I have one friend who is partly blind and she can talk quite eloquently about the problems of "hidden disabilities" (e.g. people not believing you have the condition, talking down to you, treating you like a child, or just acting weirdly around you). I find people with ADHD, OCD, depression, anxiety disorders, etc interesting, not spooky. I feel more comfortable with them than with mainstream NTs. Having a diagnosis means you can feel solidarity with a whole heap of other people, not just people on the spectrum.

Discovering your own strengths (my psychologist said I had "the Aspie strengths" at my diagnosis), and maybe even discovering that a diagnosis can free you from restrictive social prejudices about people who are "different", are things that may help you get over the weird feelings following a diagnosis. Anyway, that is my approach.



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17 Nov 2012, 8:47 am

Learning a diagnosis of diagnosis is a major change in anyone's life--accepting it takes time.

To me, the goal isn't to appear "normal."

The idea is to tone down the rough edges so you interact better with people. With a diagnosis, I've been able to better identify what those edges are.

A good example is fashion--which is a problem for Aspies because dressing "properly" runs right into our sensory issues. But, how you dress can and does affect social interactions--just as much as how you talk.



LizNY
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17 Nov 2012, 12:45 pm

I feel like I'm right there with you amberzak. After memorizing the DSM to get my master's degree, reading a LOT about men with aspergers, and trying to get a diagnosis (one said I had PTSD (ok that's part of it) and another was a horrible listener: seriously!), I just recently found info on girls and women with aspergers. Now I can't deny that's what I have. I see myself in every essay and in the ancillary details that occur as a result of neurological differences; the real life things in female aspies that the diagnostic criteria does not capture. So while there is a sense of relief at having found the answer to a lifetime of struggles.....but what am I supposed to do now?? I'm trying to find a new job once again in the hopes this one won't turn bad when I can't hold myself to their social standards. Perhaps I can find the appropriate time to self disclose to prevent anymore disasters on the workfront. The good news is there is growing awareness and acceptance of autism, especially aspergers. That somewhat offsets my fears at this point in my life.

And if by chance your child is born with it.... I would think it would be a wonderful way to grow up with parents who understand and can make adjustments in parenting to best meet his/her needs. Do you think having a child with asperers would change the way you would bond with him/her? Is that what you meant?



Last edited by LizNY on 17 Nov 2012, 12:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.

LizNY
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17 Nov 2012, 12:54 pm

And I almost forgot.....I never ever know how much talking is too much or too little either. I'm beyond frustrated with that. If I keep to myself and try to mind my own business, then I'm aloof and stuck up. If I talk in conversation without intensely focusing on each word that comes out of my mouth, then I'm accused of being selfishly focused on myself. If I compliment them and show interest in their interests them I'm supposedly being nosy and/or fake. This has created so much anxiety for me that sometimes I just shut down even if a conversation seems to be fine from my side of things. I start to fear another social interaction is going to go horribly wrong and they will be ganging up on me once again....the anxiety sometimes gets to be far too much and then I need to be alone before I start panicking....



amberzak
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17 Nov 2012, 2:36 pm

You hit the nail on the head. What ever I do or say in social interactions, I get it wrong. I was advised that I should talk to people more, and now I'm talking too much. I don't really got on that well with the people on my course that much. One guy I get on really well with, but I am aware that I tend to cling to the one person who seems really patient and understanding, and then drive them away. So I'm trying very hard not to do that.

With the kids, I would not love them any less or bond with them any less if they had aspergers. Of course I wouldn't. I've just had such a horrible time of things throughout my childhood, I wouldn't want to put any one through that. My husband wants our own kids, regardless of the risks that they might have this.


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LovingTheAlien
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17 Nov 2012, 6:04 pm

Although having Asperger's often results in a difficult childhood, your children (IF they get it - they might not) will have a supportive and caring mother who understands what they are going through. Things may be tough, but if you have someone who understands you and supports you, your burden is so much lighter.
I understand your concern, but by expressing that concern you have already shown that you will be a loving and caring mother to those kids, so I wouldn't refrain from having kids on grounds of you having Asperger's.

I am sorry if this is somewhat incoherent - I am very tired and my language module has gone offline ...