Page 1 of 2 [ 21 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next

HopefulRomantic
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 11 Aug 2010
Age: 59
Gender: Female
Posts: 399
Location: Atlanta, GA

21 Dec 2011, 8:46 am

rachael1013 wrote:
I need advice or to hear from anyone who has been where I am. I am a NT woman with a recently diagnosed AS husband. In the 1.5 years since we had our 2nd child, our marriage has been crumbling and we're both at our wit's end, depressed, and not sure how to make this work. We are both in individual counseling, and looking for a couples counselor who has experience with AS.

This morning, my husband sent me an article about AS/NT relationships and I've read there and in other places that people with AS may not be able to provide the emotional support than a NT partner needs. I am a very emotional person. I am having a hard time understanding how I can be in a relationship with someone who can't support me or understand how I am feeling. My husband has been upset because the physical aspect of our relationship is basically gone, to me losing the emotional connection is just as devastating. Right now we're in a place where I don't want to be physical because I have no emotional connection, and he doesn't want to give me anything emotionally because the physical side is missing and he feels I am closed off to him.

I am not sure how to reconcile our situation. I don't understand why these things were never an issue in the first 10 years of our relationship, but now they are. Sometimes I feel like he is using his AS diagnosis as an excuse for the way he acts. I am trying not to think that way, but it's very hard to come to terms with all of this.

I have had a lack of appreciation for what I do (take care of our kids, house, bills, etc.) and my self esteem is extremely worn down at this point, but I feel like every time we talk, he turns it around so that my feelings are something I am doing to him - that I am trying to make him miserable or make his life hard.

I think right now we both feel really hurt, and I definitely feel like he does not care about my feelings whatsoever. Has anyone here had a NT/AS marriage that has been in trouble and been saved?



Rachael1013,

I am so sorry that you are having this difficulty. When you get a chance, please keep us posted on how things are going for you and your husband.


Leslie



HopefulRomantic
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 11 Aug 2010
Age: 59
Gender: Female
Posts: 399
Location: Atlanta, GA

21 Dec 2011, 8:52 am

mv wrote:
BassMan_720, I applaud you for this sensitive and emotional look at things from "our" side. Bravo, for sharing. I'm sorry you're going through so much difficulty, personally.



BassMan 720,

I wholeheartedly agree with MV. Bravo for your highly sensitive and empathetic post. It was truly beautiful and poignant. I hope you and your wife find some peace and relief. Please keep us posted on how the website is working for you! It was a great find!



Saturn
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 23 Dec 2011
Age: 49
Gender: Male
Posts: 317
Location: UK

25 Dec 2011, 9:36 am

As a candidate AS guy married to a, I presume, NT woman, I recognise a lot of what is being said here.

I want to add a slightly different perspective, however. I could be mistaken, but in terms of moving forward with this type of relationship situation, I take there to be an emphasis being placed on the 'emotional deficiency' of the AS man, rather than on the 'mistaken' NT woman. I've put it in those crude terms in order to get to the point I want to make. I am new to this forum and relatively new to learning about AS, and I suspect a lot of what I am saying is well rehearsed.

I don't consider AS or any psychological disposition to be a deficiency, although I think this is debatable. For me, there is no standard by which to make such a judegement, rather, there are only differences. Sure, there is a majority who are more or less similar but this does not imply the existence of an objective standard by which value judegements such as 'emotionally deficient' (or some more subtle version of that) can be made, although I recognise that such are made, including by myself, in many areas of life.

That is like saying that the typical differences between so-called 'NT' men and NT women are actually 'deficiencies' or 'lack of capacity' on the part of one or the other. Indeed, as I think has been said, we don't need the NT/AS distinction here to understand the different orientations regarding emotionality and physicality between typical men and women.

The way I see it is that men are, from an evolutionary perspective, naturally inclined to desire physical-sexual interaction. It is the success of such an orientation in terms of reproduction that is the reason why we are here today, and here today with that very same orientation, one that I can only see becoming stronger as evolutionary time progresses. Men are not generally inclined to be so concerned about fulfilling a woman's emotional needs in the long term. Reproduction only requires capturing the short-term interest of the woman.

That's a bit tangential. What I set out to say was that we just are how we are and there is no reason in nature why we should be any other way than that. In general, and in the context of this discussion thread, the woman who wants her emotional needs met before puting-out has a need that men are not wired to provide. Conversely, the man who wants his sexual needs met before puting-out emotionally, has a need that the woman is not wired to provide.

This talk of how can I make it work, bla bla bla, fails to take into account the conflict of interests that are built into us as separate halves of the human species. I say, cut the crap. Why should I try and change or fake emotional interest in order to get my sexual wants met? That's disingenuous. If a woman wants disingenuosity then it seems to me she is mistaken. That is her look out. I am prepared to provide the genuine emotion and authenticity that I have, face and accept the reality of who I am (at least, who I take myself to be at the present time).

I hope I've conveyed something of interest.



BassMan_720
Toucan
Toucan

User avatar

Joined: 5 Nov 2010
Age: 65
Gender: Male
Posts: 288
Location: UK

25 Dec 2011, 10:36 am

Hi Saturn

I think what you state has been cited elsewhere. However, in my opinion, what you state is very much a generalisation. Everyone is different with very different needs.

You refer to sex as a strong driver for male relationships. This may be the case for the majority but it is not the most important driver for all. In my case, any form of affection, including sex, has been off the menus for over a year now. Yes, I miss sex but not as much as the less intimate affection that I once shared, including holding hands in public, and the good bye kiss of a morning before setting off for work. In the first 24 years of marriage I took every possible opportunity for a good bye kiss. It was a big blow to me to discover that my wife considdered this ritual, which was so important to me, as an irritant.

My needs for affection were obviously less than those of my wife. (Or were they? Perhaps they were just different.) I suppose I now have an insight into how my wife felt (unloved) for the duration of our marriage.

My point is that sweeping generalisations are not always representative of a significant proportion of the population and that every case is different.

Best regards and have a good Christmas



BassMan_720
Toucan
Toucan

User avatar

Joined: 5 Nov 2010
Age: 65
Gender: Male
Posts: 288
Location: UK

25 Dec 2011, 11:00 am

Hi Saturn

I think what you state has been cited elsewhere. However, in my opinion, what you state is very much a generalisation. Everyone is different with very different needs.

You refer to sex as a strong driver for male relationships. This may be the case for the majority but it is not the most important driver for all. In my case, any form of affection, including sex, has been off the menus for over a year now. Yes, I miss sex but not as much as the less intimate affection that I once shared, including holding hands in public, and the good bye kiss of a morning before setting off for work. In the first 24 years of marriage I took every possible opportunity for a good bye kiss. It was a big blow to me to discover that my wife considdered this ritual, which was so important to me, as an irritant.

My needs for affection were obviously less than those of my wife. (Or were they? Perhaps they were just different.) I suppose I now have an insight into how my wife felt (unloved) for the duration of our marriage.

My point is that sweeping generalisations are not always representative of a significant proportion of the population and that every case is different.

Best regards and have a good Christmas



Saturn
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 23 Dec 2011
Age: 49
Gender: Male
Posts: 317
Location: UK

25 Dec 2011, 12:06 pm

Hi Bassman,

Thank you for your response. I am interested to see how others see this issue, as there are obviously different perspectives from mine, and interesting to see what those differences are exactly.

Yes, my post is a generalisation when applied to others, I know, but also how I see it for myself at the present time.

Meery Christmas to you.