Feeling angry and unforgiving towards my parents

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I had grown up with both parents and two sisters. Of the three of us, my parents have always shared this need to favor for the middle over everyone else in the family. My other sister and I get treated like a half of a person. In my case, I have Asperger's Syndrome and that helps share the reason why they show a lack of interest in me. For example, whenever I get something like a degree or a good grades, my mom always will talk about myself or my younger sister. She will always compare myself to them by saying, "Well, why didn't your sister get that?" She will also say, "I never got that when I was in school." I told my dad about my recent getting a degree with a good GPA over Thanksgiving on the phone and he sounded so enthused. He gave me a "That's good."

In response, I recently moved out on my own and I have been getting angrier and I have been stomping around the house saying nasty things about physically harming my family or pretending to yell at them. Does anyone else here have the same problem that I do?

Am I angry at my parents? Yes, they disowned me. Do I even talk to them anymore, no. Problem solved, I don't think I will ever work out the lifetime of issues I have with my parents. I gave them a chance to be good people, and they proved to me they were not.

With that being said, it seems you have a degree of sibling jealousy. I would just try to bring this up with them. Right now they may not even be aware they are doing what you are putting forth, and there is no reason to be that harsh with them. My parents had a history of abusing me as a child, the chilly adult relationship was inevitable. Your issues seem like they can be worked out in good time.

Starrygirl,
I saw your comments there and I am going through the same situation that your are going through. I gave my family plenty of opportunities to prove to me that they love me but I realized that it didn't work. They aren't likely to change so I am just going to let them be since they are going to act like children. I also tried telling them that what they are doing to my sister and myself and they just give a bunch of excuses that I need to forgive them. Yes, I am jealous of my sister and rightfully so.

What really makes my blood boil is the fact that parents and my younger sister are all going on a cruise because they won it but my youngest can't go. My dad and my younger sister think that she was and accidental unwanted pregnancy and don't want her around. I tried to tell them that it bothered me but my mom told me that they couldn't take her because they didn't want to put a financial burden on themselves and then this was a business cruise.

There must be some context I'm not getting there, those sound like positive comments to me. In fact, they sound like the kinds of things I have said in the past to my own kids when they did well. I'm not one to gush. Do they get flowery to your other siblings then, and just not to you?

I felt quite unforgiving with my mom and stepdad for a few years when the first got together until my two week long hospitalization in middle school, where I decided that I was fed up with my dad and his girlfriend. My dad's alcoholism was making it really tough for him to make fairly clear choices, and he was quite against medication for my depression.

In general, I feel not angry, but annoyed at many people because I don't understand them. I'm an acquired taste, and not instantly likable (except in some cases).

If you can't forgive them, or can forgive them but just can't deal with them anymore, I would suggest confronting them about this and explaining your feelings even though that might be difficult. Because of the differences between NT's and AS's there can be breakdowns in communication, and a lack of understanding of the other's feelings or intentions. So the problem may be that there hasn't been a direct enough discussion about this between you and your parents.

I've been in a very similar situation recently where I was actually planning on stopping all communication with my parents after college. However, it is very easy for me (and probably most other's with AS) to over focus on things and miss the big picture especially with a long period of social interaction, but this is not exclusive to AS obviously. Check the description of the essay "Such, Such Were The Joy's" http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Such,_Such_Were_the_Joys It is widely regarded by Orwell's contemporaries that he grossly misrepresented the school he attended as a child. (Orwell is speculated to have had AS, but that really doesn't matter for my argument)

Depending on what childhood memories were on my mind at the time changed how I thought about my parents. And a lot of my resentment was over things that were probably related to them not knowing I had AS (but heck I didn't even know until recently). I eventually decided to forgive them and not even confront them about my resentment. I felt so much better after I did that, it was incredible.

In addition nothing you've said so far, except for your description of the cruise they were taking, makes me think they favor your younger sister. (even that could be explained in other ways or by chance and the fact that they had to pick one) For instance:

From that quote I actually get the impression that they are favoring you over your younger sister by wondering why she didn't do as well as you. (although I can't here her tone of voice)

That being said you know your family, not me. I'm just commenting on what you've said so far.

I absolutely hate favouritism in the family. I put up with a childhood of beatings and bullying non-stop from my brother just because a) he's the only boy out of four of us, and b) I was an accidental baby and not a boy, and also the youngest. He was spoilt over me and my sisters, but I was the one who got the abuse as he was a rough, mean kid and of course, being spoilt, developed a temper. Not only did he treat me like his own personal punchbag, but my parents allowed it and punished me instead of him when he did it!! Pretty unbelievable, but it's true. That's how much they favoured him. I can understand too the way you feel for your younger sister missing out on what the middle kid gets; I was left behind on many family trips under the excuse that "I was too young to go", which was stupid even to me, seeing as I was only one year younger than my brother! But I was actually so happy to be left behind where my brother wouldn't get me and I could have quiet and happiness at my grandmother's or my cousins' that I delighted at the idea of my whole family going off for the day without me! It still is unfair though that I missed out on experiences and bonding time that they all got together. Now my brother tries to be civil with me and actually has conversations with me :-O but only when he's in a good mood. He's still happy to insult me and yell at me and so on whenever he feels like it, so it's all ended up bad for him too, at little fault of his own. That said, he's old enough to change his ways...

I'm rambling a bit here... Guess my point is, I agree that favouritism is wrong for a number of reasons: a) it causes spoiling, which does no good for that kid when he/she eventually grows up, b) it can lead to abuse hidden within the family, c) the parents continue to nurse an old hurt all the time, e.g. in my case, being an unplanned child and therefore a burden... I could go on, there are so many cons...!

As for what to do about it... I don't know. I know that mine would deny it if I brought up any stories from my past memories. I know that they'd turn it around to make themselves sound like victims and then change the subject to make me feel even worse, e.g. perhaps pointing out all the things they've ever done for me etc.

It's hard to let go. But what I've found helpful is reducing my contact with family, keeping myself busy, and not visiting home much. Distancing myself means I don't think about them and the negative past events I share with them. It also gives me time to think about the happier stuff that went on sometimes and how important that all is even if it's little. In the end, I do want to get along at least...

All this thread tells me is some people should be shot before they have kids.

Lol

Maybe not shot... Perhaps forced to take a legal oath, and then have the police interrogate the whole family every so often. XD

People are full of quirks, making life unfair. Even Gandhi rejected his unplanned son, who became an alcoholic. Anger is a signal to try to make a change, but it only works well in simple relationships. Unfortunately, the source of anger can easily overwhelm the higher faculties, but it is hard to send messages the other way. When we get stuck in anger, it tends to block out creative ideas on how to improve things and damages other relationships too. The Serenity Prayer is good advice, but knowing the difference between what we can change and what we can't is especially difficult if we expect people to be logical.

You're mothers forced your boney heads through their pelvic girdles without complaint and your Dads did soul destroying jobs to feed you all and all you do is complain and whine about them?

Get over yourselves.

What do you know about my father's job? Maybe projecting a little?

Nobody should have kids unless they're ready to accept ALL of the responsibilities involved. And nobody gets it right 100% of the time but they most certainly don't have any excuses when it comes to deliberately causing suffering to any of their children. If you're going to tell people not to rant about their parents, try considering the actual roles of a parent first, other than squeezing us out of the womb and working hard to feed us. By the way, a person's line of work is not often degrading especially in modern times. In my own Dad's case, he's passionate about his work. My mother did degrading work all her life but rarely full-time and never for more than 6 months at a time.

Miyah, I'm sorry about the problems with your parents. It's hard when they have an obvious favorite, and it feels like you spend your entire life running to keep up, but you can't change other people. You could try candidly pointing out what's bothering you, but it's unlikely that they'll ever see it from your point of view. All you can do is take a step back, tell yourself that that their favoritism can't affect you now, and live the kind of life that makes YOU your favorite person. In the end, the only thing that makes a difference is that you and the people you choose to surround yourself think you're awesome.

And as a person who has been angry at her parents, and is now employed full time angering her kids, this is totally awesome:

I never understood favoritism, it's a way to make a child have low self esteem and have the inferior complex.

My parents never did this. They treated us all the same.

Not projecting at all. I'm not one of the spoilt whining kids complaining about their parents.

In future can this topic be discussed on the general or adolescent forums? I only read the "Adult" section of this board to stay away from all the "parents don't understand me" and the "why don't girls like me" threads.