A Real Dilemma
hartzofspace
Supporting Member
Joined: 14 Apr 2005
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,138
Location: On the Road Less Traveled
A year ago, my adult Aspie daughter had a baby. Someone called children's protective services on her, and they came and took the baby. For a year, my daughter has been fighting the system to get her child back. In the beginning she refused my help, but now is begging me to help.
The problem is that I am disabled and get worn out very quickly. It is heartrending to think that my granddaughter may go to strangers (she has already gotten used to her foster parents) and I feel as if I am turning my back on my daughter and granddaughter. My boyfriend, whom I have been with for only one year, says he will be supportive if I decide to step forward and take the child. I am really torn, and would like some input and or advice. Thanks!
_________________
Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born.
-- Dr. Dale Turner
The problem is that I am disabled and get worn out very quickly. It is heartrending to think that my granddaughter may go to strangers (she has already gotten used to her foster parents) and I feel as if I am turning my back on my daughter and granddaughter. My boyfriend, whom I have been with for only one year, says he will be supportive if I decide to step forward and take the child. I am really torn, and would like some input and or advice. Thanks!
Why did they take the child?
Foster parents don't always adopt. Sometimes the children are adopted by a different family when their biological parents lose custody permanently.
What's in the child's best interest? Are you or your daughter realistically capable of taking care of her, or do you just feel guilty that you aren't? If you or your daughter are capable, then by all means, hire an attorney and work on regaining custody. If neither of you is objectively capable of caring for a child, then you may need to decide what is actually in your granddaughter's best interest. Loving a child is all well and good, but if the caregiver gets so caught up in her own interests that she forgets to feed the child, the kid's still going hungry. (I have a niece who adores her son, but routinely forgets to make dinner for him, that's why I used this example. Luckily, they lived with me for most of the time he was at an age when he couldn't ask, and I didn't forget. Mealtimes for me are like clockwork.)
I'm not saying this is the case, but if by chance you feel you or your daughter aren't capable, there's no shame in admitting that, due to circumstances or disability, you just can't manage it. This wouldn't be abandonment, it would be making a clear-headed decision based upon what you know about yourselves and your circumstances. It would be a shame, however, to remove the child from a situation where she's doing well and then discover that it was all just wishful thinking. Is there any way to talk to children's services, explain the situation and ask for visitation?
hartzofspace
Supporting Member
Joined: 14 Apr 2005
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,138
Location: On the Road Less Traveled
There is already an attorney involved. They have wasted everyone's time for a whole year.
_________________
Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born.
-- Dr. Dale Turner
hartzofspace
Supporting Member
Joined: 14 Apr 2005
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,138
Location: On the Road Less Traveled
The problem is that I am disabled and get worn out very quickly. It is heartrending to think that my granddaughter may go to strangers (she has already gotten used to her foster parents) and I feel as if I am turning my back on my daughter and granddaughter. My boyfriend, whom I have been with for only one year, says he will be supportive if I decide to step forward and take the child. I am really torn, and would like some input and or advice. Thanks!
Why did they take the child?
Foster parents don't always adopt. Sometimes the children are adopted by a different family when their biological parents lose custody permanently.
Since it was only a few days after the birth when they took her, I am not sure what the problem was. I am hearing one thing from my daughter, and a completely different thing from the caseworker. Since my daughter is on the spectrum, I am sure it was something related to that and her executive dysfunction.
_________________
Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born.
-- Dr. Dale Turner
hartzofspace
Supporting Member
Joined: 14 Apr 2005
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,138
Location: On the Road Less Traveled
hartzofspace
Supporting Member
Joined: 14 Apr 2005
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,138
Location: On the Road Less Traveled
There is a lot of guilt involved here. But my life is stable,while my daughters isn't. While my health isn't the greatest, I have family nearby, and supportive people to call on if need be.
They have offered me the child once, but I needed time to think. There will be no need for an attorney at present.
This was the case from what I heard, and from what I know of my daughter. I think that she was observed to be not feeding the child on time, or something. The story varies; the main thing was that they called it failure to thrive. Since I successfully raised my own daughter (before I knew I was on the spectrum) I am sure I can do what's right.
My daughter and her baby live very far from me. Visitation wouldn't be feasible.
_________________
Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born.
-- Dr. Dale Turner
Stone_Man
Toucan
Joined: 8 Aug 2009
Age: 75
Gender: Male
Posts: 266
Location: retired wanderer in the Southwest deserts
I seriously doubt there's anyone on this site qualified to give meaningful advice in a case like this, especially since there are obviously additional factors you haven't mentioned. You readily admit you don't know for certain why the child was taken, and that's the crux of this situation.
hartzofspace
Supporting Member
Joined: 14 Apr 2005
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,138
Location: On the Road Less Traveled
I wasn't looking for the input of qualified professionals; just human beings who may or may not have insight that I can use.
I don't know the exact reason the child was taken but the general reason is that my daughter suffers from Executive dysfunction, and was deemed incapable of raising a child. Apparently she was reported as being unable to attend the baby's needs in a timely and competent manner.
_________________
Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born.
-- Dr. Dale Turner
Taupey
Veteran
Joined: 24 Feb 2010
Age: 61
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,168
Location: Somewhere between juvenile and senile.
The problem is that I am disabled and get worn out very quickly. It is heartrending to think that my granddaughter may go to strangers (she has already gotten used to her foster parents) and I feel as if I am turning my back on my daughter and granddaughter. My boyfriend, whom I have been with for only one year, says he will be supportive if I decide to step forward and take the child. I am really torn, and would like some input and or advice. Thanks!
Since you are already a mother, Hartz, you know what it takes to raise a child and since you are the grandmother, you are feeling you need to be responsible.
What kind of support system do you have? What are their ages, what are they like, are they parents themselves now? Will they be willing to help you out by babysitting if you need to go to the doctors or out with your boyfriend?
Will you get money from the system to help support your grandbaby? If you will get something, it would definitely help especially if you go to work everyday and you need to have a regular scheduled daycare for the baby. Breaks will be a plus especially since you are older now.
There is so much to consider and to decide. Can you make a list of all that you will have to do for the baby if you are the one to be responsible for her? Can you also make a mock schedule out of how long it will take to do the things you will need to do for the baby? For example: 5:00AM - the baby wakes and you change her diaper and get her ready to eat or feed. 6:00 AM - you clean her up and get her dressed. (Will she go back to bed and sleep while you get cleaned and ready for your day?)etc... You know how important routines are to babies and children as well as for us. This might help you realize if you can really do this or not.
You said that you are disabled yourself, so you do have to consider that. Will taking care of a baby so young be too difficult on you because of your disabilities?
Has your boyfriend had children himself? Does he know what it's like to live with a small child? Does he really realize what it's like to take care of and be responsible for a small child?
I have already thought about this myself and told my children that if they ever needed me to take care of their child(ren), I would do it. It's a hard decision to make and I wish you all the best in making it.
_________________
Whatever you think you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, magic and power in it. ~Goethe
Your Aspie score: 167 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 35 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie.
hartzofspace
Supporting Member
Joined: 14 Apr 2005
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,138
Location: On the Road Less Traveled
The problem is that I am disabled and get worn out very quickly. It is heartrending to think that my granddaughter may go to strangers (she has already gotten used to her foster parents) and I feel as if I am turning my back on my daughter and granddaughter. My boyfriend, whom I have been with for only one year, says he will be supportive if I decide to step forward and take the child. I am really torn, and would like some input and or advice. Thanks!
I know of another, older woman who has offered support if I decide to do this. She often has the care of a small grandchild, since that child was removed from her mother, too. So she is a grandparent too. I have a sister one city over, who has taken her granddaughter to raise, same reason. She has offered limited assistance. But that is the limit of my resources, with the exception of my boyfriend who works full time.
Yes, I would definitely get money from the system, as well as medical insurance and free food for the baby. I might get help with daycare, for respite for me.
Good idea! I am a little rusty when it comes to all this. I remember never having a moment to collect my thoughts, when my daughter was the age her daughter is now. Constant, high pitched shrieking I dread! I will stock up on ear plugs.
My disabilities cause easy fatigue, and I do question this.
He has baby sat younger relatives, but never had children of his own. Thank you for posing these questions! I have much to think about!
_________________
Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born.
-- Dr. Dale Turner
Taupey
Veteran
Joined: 24 Feb 2010
Age: 61
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,168
Location: Somewhere between juvenile and senile.
Well let us know how it goes Hartz. Like I said before, I wish you all the best it's certainly a difficult decision.
_________________
Whatever you think you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, magic and power in it. ~Goethe
Your Aspie score: 167 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 35 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie.
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