Other people being rude and allergies

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I don't feel that this should be in the health thread because it's not about allergies in and of itself, but about dealing with other people and having allergies, but this post is brought about because someone made light of me being allergic to food today.

I have a number of food allergies. Soy(Soy Lecithin, Soy Sauce, Beans), Corn(Corn Starch & High Fructose Corn Syrup, pop corn, cornbread), Chicken(meat & egg, egg pasta), Cow Dairy(Butter, Ice Cream, Milk), Mold(Bleu Cheese), and Wheat(Pasta, bread, crackers & other stuff). I have other allergies to grass, some plants, pollen, and to sulfa anti-biotics, but it's the food allergies that I'm commenting about. I don't go into anaphylactic shock or anything, but I get congested, sometimes have a hard time breathing, headache, hives & open sores, and I feel miserable until it's out of my system. The worst I've ever had it was Bronchitis for 6 months several years ago because I didn't know I was allergic to some of the foods on my list and kept my lungs full of crud making a nice & neat home for bacteria in my lungs. I've had sour cream give me hives an open sores within two hours of consuming it and it was not fun. Stuff like that. As for food, mexican, a lot of asian cuisine that relies on soy sauce, pizza, French, Italian, and really most eatout restaurants are a no-go. I'm usually safe with eating Thai or a Buffet, or I have to pick something and ask for some heavy modification, or just go with a modded salad. But this isn't what the post is about. it's just to give you an idea of my allergies.

There are two things I run into that I don't get with others when it comes to my allergies:
1) Others see me as a burden when it comes to meal selection. I've had many people feel like I'm a burden or shouldn't be coddled for having allergies, and I've had people to my face, say I shouldn't ruin it for others because I can't eat what they want. I'm not trying to ruin anything for anyone. I just want to be clear that I have allergies, and if that factors in, then it factors in. If not, I'm perfectly capable of making a food run for myself. I'm not trying to impose my diet on anyone else. I just don't get why people can be such dicks about this. Heaven forbid I should watch out for my own health. If you want pizza, order pizza. Don't expect me to cash into it though, or help you get it. You're on your own. Want to go eat Italian, then let me look up a menu and see if they have a salad I can eat or else, I'll go eat elsewhere and we can meet up later. I don't get why people have a problem with this.

2) People get sad and upset when I can't eat their thing they made or purchased. Oh you baked a cake, with wheat, and eggs, and milk. I'm not going to eat it. I don't care if it's your birthday, wedding, bar mitzvah, baby shower, or whatever the cake was for. And I've had people get upset that I refuse to eat what they made or provided. Why? What's the point? I don't get why others have done this to me. Conversely I've also refused to participate at work with anything that requires me to buy anything I'm allergic to. It's my turn to have donuts today. Nope. I don't buy anything I'm allergic to. I'll give you money and you can do the legwork. This is because I've found that when I buy food I can eat, like baked goods from a bakery that can deal with allergies, food that I can eat without getting sick, everyone hates the food or is a dick about it so I don't do it.

It's frustrating. I'm not asking to be coddled. I'm not asking for my needs to be more important to others. I just want to have it where I don't get hastled for having allergies. If the meal choice is something that I can't eat, I won't eat it. If It's not worth it to go out to eat, then I don't need to go there and eat, and I'm sure that whoever it is can enjoy eating out without me. I just want to be healthy. I just wish people would stop being dicks about this.

I can't eat gluten-containing foods, so I understand this. In one way I'm glad that gluten-free is becoming popular (more options), but in another way I'm annoyed because people think it's just a fad...it's not for me!

I think they feel you're a burden for a couple of reasons. One, they want to eat whatever they want without feeling guilty, but if you don't partake that makes them feel guilty. Two, when you can't eat what everyone else is eating, you no longer fit in; you can't be a true part of their group. Try being the one who suggest the place: "Hey, I know this really great Thai place. I'm going to get lunch there; want to come?" Saying that you're already going there puts the burden of choice on them, not you. Then they'll feel like the outsider if they say no.



Yup...it's annoying. I usually just tell them I'm allergic to wheat (not true...but when people hear I can't eat gluten, they usually don't get it, or again, think it's a fad and I can eat it "just this one time." Once I refused some bread saying that I can't eat gluten, so they said, "Oh! Then try this pasta instead." lol...) If you are telling them you are allergic and they still insist, it's probably due to one of the reasons above, or just plain ignorance. I will be nice about refusing (at least at first) and briefly explain why. If it's really bad, I no longer care if they get upset and I'll use the TMI approach: "Well, I really don't want to get diarrhea for three days straight and damage the lining of my intestines for a bite of cake. Sorry."



I hear ya. There are some tactics you could use to keep them happy, though. If offered a piece of something you can't eat, just take it and say thank you. Then nonchalantly proceed to the garbage can (or your nearest hungry friend/acquaintance/coworker/dog). Yes, it's a waste of food to throw it out, but it'll make them happy (provided they don't see the dumping). On your doughnut day, buy something from your bakery for yourself, and then buy them some normal ones. Yes, you'll have to make an extra trip. But refusing to buy something you're allergic to is a little immature. Think about if they refused to buy something you're not allergic to just because they wouldn't eat it. "Strawberries? I'm not buying him strawberries because I don't like them!" If you were against doughnuts for moral reasons (the way some vegetarians/vegans are against meat consumption), then your refusal to purchase doughnuts would be justified. But allergies are a physical reaction, not a personal ethics decision.

I understand the frustration you experience, but making your allergies harder to deal with doesn't help the situation. It exacerbates the problem you're experiencing and ensures that they will continue to reject your food choices later. There will always be group-think and herd mentality: "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few." Let them have their security. Their inflexible minds probably need it more than you do.


TL;DR: While others should respect your food choices, don't make it hard to do so.

I disagree.

I think it's rather dickish of the people OP works with, for them to insist on including them in a rota to buy food which the OP is clearly allergic to.

I reckon that if their colleagues all want to have a grand time buying each other doughnuts on a rota system, then fine.... but why on earth should the OP have to deal with that kind of social palaver just to work at some place ? It's not part of the job description I assume (or if it is, then that's one hell of a bizarre job !)

It's very reasonable of the OP to say that they will pay money to them to buy doughnuts when their turn comes around.
Really, there's no good reason why they should have to do that though.
After all, clearly they're not enjoying a share of the doughnuts - since they are allergic to them !

Perhaps OP should insist that everybody on the doughnut scheme goes out of their way to pick OP up some strawberries every time they buy doughnuts for the group.... or at the very least they ought to get some doughnuts from the bakery which does allergy-free ones, each time .... since that's really no more ridiculous than them all expecting OP to go out of their way to buy a load of allergy inducing doughnuts for them to stuff their faces with.

Especially since they're seemingly a bunch of wankers about OP picking up her own choice of doughnuts... like everybody else assumedly does on their days.

I re-read what I posted. I said that I would refuse to participate. What I actually meant was that I try to avoid the physical purchase or ordering of the item that I'm adverse to allergy wise. If I'm the driver, we're going to get something somewhere that I can eat, or basically, we're going with brand B with no allergens, and not brand A with allergens.

The office I work in now doesn't require me to directly go out and get things. Previous jobs have. Now we just do the central fund thing which imho is way better then direct purchases as assigned. This one coworker usually handles it. Although one exception is that I buy most of the coffee creamer because I found decent creamer that I'm not allergic to but everyone likes, so I just contribute in that way. It used to be actual milk creamer we got and not good for me.

This post was merely just venting over an issue, I've experienced many times throughout my life, and that I was reminded of yesterday by a coworker.

That's a separate issue. He wasn't refusing to be in it because of the social aspect (at least he didn't say so); his reasoning was due to allergies. If he doesn't want to participate in it because it's a social custom, that's for another post.



I agree! If he has joined this food exchange, then he should be part of it, even when it's not something he can eat. If it's always something he can't eat, then perhaps he shouldn't be part of it. He only mentioned doughnuts, so we don't know if there are times when he can eat the food.




Again, I agree! Great idea.



That clarifies it a bit. And it does make sense.

My stomach issues mean I have to order a lot of things plain as in no lettuce, tomato, sauce etc. Be it a subway restaurant or an Italian place I have to repeat myself 3 or 4 times until they they understand I want it completely plain. "Are you sure" "Nothing????" Do you want lettuce????. They do not give me a discount for eating less of sandwich. A matter a fact I usually have pay MORE because I have to order "double meat" to get less food then everybody else. And I can not tell you the number of times deliveries have to be sent back. I have to sit there bored and hungry while everybody eats. When the food is delivered I get to start to eat as the table is being cleaned up or everybody else has gone on to the next activity.

As far as people I have found they do get annoyed at first but once get used to it they make sure they order a seperate thing for me.

I think some of this can be put down to the increase in people who say that they are allergic to stuff instead of saying they don't like it. It's annoying. I'm afraid you're probably being lumped into all of that. Sorry.