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grouseice79
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13 Feb 2016, 8:35 pm

I've come to the conclusion being Asperger's and anything other than straight makes life doubly difficult.

I have only ever been able to act on my sexual feelings with people who I connected with virtually before actually meeting, i.e. so we both knew where we were in terms of sexuality when we met. It's complicated enough trying to navigate day-to-day social interaction with people, trying to ascertain their sexual orientation and, gulp, possible interest in me is something I just can never imagine resolving. I have tried to bury my feelings for many years but recently used a pick-up app to meet with someone who sounded appealing. I had to end things after a few meetings because of things he disclosed about himself which I wasn't prepared to accept in a partner.

The experience has showed me however that my feelings for men have not gone away or lessened. I would really like to be more open about this area of my life because I think this is the only way I'm going to find someone who accepts me for who I am, but the prospect scares me. Truly I'd like the "Yeah so what?" response from most people but I'm conscious even now that isn't guaranteed. The fact it's the thing that cannot be unsaid once said that scares me most.

So those of you who are open how did you do it? How did you know it was time?



Misery
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15 Feb 2016, 3:05 pm

I'm very open about it myself, and I became that way by... simply not caring one bit.

I figure, if someone else has a problem with it, it's THEIR problem, not mine. If they dont like it, well, tough. I just dont really care what someone like that thinks.

It's a very simplistic view, but it's one that's always worked for me.



superbluevegetable
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16 Feb 2016, 1:30 am

First of all, this depends a lot on where you live and how the common cultural attitude of people towards these kind of things are. It's much easier to be open towards people who greet you with open-mindedness than towards people who think very conservative and consider the whole topic of sex frivolous and disturbing. I don't really think that there is a golden rule to go by. I also think the problem is often that expressing attraction is a very elaborated dance sequence that relies on hints and timings, that not every person with AS can follow because a lack of a certain social intuition is quite common, but personally I approach it like this:

If I meet new people I'm attracted to, I always wonder if I'm wasting their time and energy if I don't show them honesty. Let's say they are looking for something serious, then I definitely do, because they will base their feelings for me on normative assumptions unless I tell them. Let's say they are looking for a quick fling, then I waste it, too, because I'm just not the kind of person that can handle it. So I don't see a huge point in pretending I was different. They are not happier with it (it's a form of lying after all), and neither am I.

Yet if I feel that the truth would get me beaten up and put in that charming dumpster next to the railway station, I prefer shutting my mouth. And to a lesser extent, if a true answer leads to even more uncomfortable questions and discussions on whether sexuality is real or AS is real, I just politely say “I'm just not into this, sorry” and start talking about things that I find more interesting, until they give up on their own.

I hope that helps you in any way.



grouseice79
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16 Feb 2016, 6:38 pm

Thanks - two interesting responses. The "So what?" strategy does appeal to me but it doesn't feel like a step I can take quite yet. I'm still trying to work out why this is as a lot of things are a source of unhappiness for me now and I would like to do something about this one at least.

I live and was brought up in Scotland and I'd say the culture here is pretty open now. Certainly in the big cities anyway. I had a good upbringing but it was always clear to me there were certain things my parents weren't particularly comfortable with, which included sexual matters, and so I learned not to ask much if anything at all and tried to figure it out myself.

I anticipate being honest about my sexuality will involve a lot of questions and I don't really have the answers. I'm glad I live when and where I do because I know there are many places still and were times when being anything than straight makes life extremely difficult. But I think no matter how liberal and accepting things get people will still have to "come out" as most people are straight and so on meeting a person for the first time the assumption can often be that they're straight. We shouldn't jump to these conclusions but I think we always will.

The guy I was briefly seeing did actually ask me if I was on the autistic spectrum at all. This is the first time a virtual stranger has asked this about me and it was quite easy to say I thought I was. Seems what suggested it was my awkwardness in ordinary conversation which apparently disappeared when I was being physically intimate. This is a new insight into my behaviour I am grateful for even though it saddens me I had to end things with him so soon.



goldfish21
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20 Feb 2016, 4:36 pm

Keeping closeted became far too stressful. I had the example of a very close gay friend and his gay brother and how they live their lives with their family and friends and decided that was a better way to be, so, began coming out to more and more people.

Also, before that, the person I feared would react the worst to it found out inadvertently and while it was embarrassing it was about the best thing that could have happened. I feared he would have the worst reaction, yet his response was very very positive and accepting. That really shifted my perspective & made it easier to come out to others because if the one person I thought would reject me most had nothing but nice things to say, then it couldn't be so bad with others.

Also, I'm more and more of the attitude that if anyone has a big problem with it then I don't need them in my life at all. Things are much less stressful that way.


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