Is the other woman a threat?

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Boo, I'm just thinking from a practical angle, but if someone is serious about waiting till marriage it seems counter productive to engage in foreplay stuff. It's like going down a road even though you said you didn't want to go to the destination at the end of the road. Isn't it hard to stop once you start. Hypothetically it seems to me like the logical answer would be no foreplay if you're actually wanting to stick with the no sex thing.

This may be difficult to discuss without the thread getting moved to the adult section...

Sitting on the sofa having fun, no foreplay looks like this:



Not this


But what the hell do I know. I'd need a dude first before I could experiment, but I figure that this is how celibate religious people manage to not compromise. I figure the first couple are not alone in the house.

The search term I used was "sofa cuddles"

^
You can put an ad "Seeking for a sofa cuddles partner".

Funny story: last night, he sent me to an exclusive club to ask about his Super Bowl pools.

When I walked in, one lady asked me "are you the wife of one of the guys?"

Hahahahahaha! I was flattered.

Do not waste your energy by investing it in this guy.

Look-- I share your views on dating, sex before marriage, and a handful of other things. On this subject, anyway, think of me as your older, wiser relative.

I'm not making a value judgment for or against the guy as a human being. Really.

But-- you know what you said about breaking up being what happens when one or the other party realizes that marriage isn't going to be a desirable circumstance??

Well, a marriage between you and this guy isn't going to be a desirable circumstance. You can LOVE someone's company and still be fundamentally different enough that the summation of your marriage will be, "I love you, but it seems that, in order for one of us to be happy, the other one has to be miserable."

I tried to tell my husband this when we were young and contemplating marriage. To this day, he says I was threatening him, demanding "My way or the highway." No-- I did not want him to change anything. I saw irreconcilable differences and attempted, multiple times, to end the relationship while our investment was minimal. Unfortunately for us, both of us were young and lonely and wanted to believe that we could work it out.

So I believed him when he said he was happy, believed him when he said we could work it out, believed that we'd grow together. And now, sixteen years and four kids later, we have a marriage between two people who love each other very much...

...and have mutually exclusive dreams, mutually incompatible communication styles, insecurities and pathologies that do nothing but feed those of the other person, et cetera ad nauseam. I want him to be happy. He wants me to be happy. The problem is that what makes one of us happy makes the other one miserable, and the best way for us to communicate is called "very politely, and as little as possible."

We don't have a marriage. We have a functioning shell (with obligatory at-least-twice-a-week-unless-I'm-menstruating-and-act-like-I'm-wildly-aroused sex). If you looked up "staying together for the kids' sake" in an encyclopedia, we'd be looking back at you.

That's where you're headed with this guy-- if you're lucky. If you're unlucky, you're going to the Land of the Hideous Divorce. Cut your mutual losses and keep looking.

In other thoughts, consider this thread an answer to your other question about whether it's a good idea for you, as a female, to be strictly platonic friends with a married guy. NO, IT ISN'T.

Marriage is a proprietary relationship, whereby each party becomes the exclusive property of the other party, in effect agreeing to make the spouse their world entire. "Forsaking all others" doesn't mean "And I won't shop around." It REALLY, TRULY, LITERALLY MEANS FORSAKING ALL OTHERS. It's bad enough to infringe upon the "spousal property rights" in order to be friends with a member of the same sex. I can't tell you how many fights have broken out because my husband found out that I discussed my feelings with an aunt, cousin, or female friend before I talked to him, in greater detail than I did with him, or for a greater length of time than I did with him.

Honestly, FRIENDSHIP, period, after marriage is a bad idea. To be truly faithful, one must confine oneself to shallow and passing acquaintanceships of little substance and no meaning. The female party, at least in a nominally patrilineal culture, should also expect to give up membership in her natal family. For example, it is understood that I do not have, and will not honor, any farther "obligation" or "duty" to my natal family. My FATHER was regarded as intruding and threatening our marriage because he asked for a few weeks of my time after my stepmom had a massive stroke. I do not "decide to visit my grandmother." My husband "allows me to do so" (and is considered extremely magnanimous because he tolerates it about one Saturday every other month).

You have some very idealistic notions about love and marriage. I did once too. For your own protection, I recommend that you don't even consider commitment until you've dated about 10 people (and made it north of 25).