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UnrelentingHorror
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20 Jun 2009, 6:56 am

Okay so my best friend is female and I am extremely attracted to her.
So much that at times it is a real chore attempting to NOT act on those feelings and either say something, touch her, make out, etc.
This wouldn't be so much of an issue if she wasn't currently dating a creepy guy who is 10 years older and doesn;t seem to give a crap about her so much.

I've tried to date during this time but I can never really enjoy these people, its like I'm seeing people just to be out there in the dating world you know?
But when things go wrong my thoughts always drift back to my best friend and how she doesn,t really judge or reject me. We both have a screw loose in our heads but in a beautiful whimsical way and whenever we are together it doesn;t matter how down in the dumps either of us is we just feel so "up" afterwords.

I just wish there was a way to be with her. I've told her how I feel and she seems conflicted about the situation herself which I feel kind of bad for, I mean even though I don;t like or respect who shes with I still don't want to be "THAT guy" who messes up things for people you know?

I'm just stuck, I can't hang out with the person I feel closest to with nearly doning something bad or whatever and its difficult just not feeling her close to me at these times. Even more so when I know shes going over to hang out with this guy.

So do I try to let go of my feelings? If so what would happen?
Or do I wait for the eventual break up, then respectfully wait for her to be ready to move on?

I'm just so onfused and even though I've felt "in love" and whatever in the past it was never anything more than false intensity, I mean this is someone I can consistently enjoy. and I think the opposite is true even though we bot have our faults. It just hurts you know?


I know I sound like an overemotional whiney jackass but I truly am stuck.



sunshower
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20 Jun 2009, 7:02 am

No, I completely understand. I think the best thing to do in this situation is to let her know how you feel (which you said you've done), and wait it out. If she feels the same way as you, and wants to be with you more than the other guy, she will eventually get her act together and finish it with him.

If after a while it doesn't seem like that's ever going to happen, then the best thing is to try and let go. I know this can be really really hard, and take a long time, so I hope this is not your only solution. I hope for the best for you and your friend.


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UnrelentingHorror
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20 Jun 2009, 7:08 am

Thank you sunshower.

Your thoughts on the matter mimic my own.
THe situation is just difficult you know? And I'm not trying to do the whole pity party thing but I just really needed to get this off my chest and what better place than a s support forum for my particular brand of brain-problems to to do so right?


I don't know maybe if I'm more clear about my feelings? But I've already been fairly clear. and then what? I think your right waiting and keeping my mind open is the only real option here.



sunshower
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20 Jun 2009, 7:18 am

UnrelentingHorror wrote:
Thank you sunshower.

Your thoughts on the matter mimic my own.
THe situation is just difficult you know? And I'm not trying to do the whole pity party thing but I just really needed to get this off my chest and what better place than a s support forum for my particular brand of brain-problems to to do so right?


I don't know maybe if I'm more clear about my feelings? But I've already been fairly clear. and then what? I think your right waiting and keeping my mind open is the only real option here.


Did you directly tell her that you liked her as more than a friend? Then that's probably clear enough. If it was more vague than that, I'd recommend doing that too to make absolutely sure she knows.

Don't worry, like I said I completely understand you're not doing the pity party thing, and this is definitely the place to get things off your chest or to get the advice of others when you feel you need to.

Otherwise, yes, waiting is hard but I think we both agree it's the best option in the mean time. Give her some space to make a decision, then accept that decision and move forward in whatever direction it takes you.


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Wombat
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20 Jun 2009, 10:01 am

Women want a man who will love them and protect them and give them children and support the children.

Never mind all this "woman's lib" crap.

If you love the woman then tell her so. Tell her that you will devote your life to her and your children.

If she rejects you then she is not the right woman for you.



ToadOfSteel
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20 Jun 2009, 10:55 am

Wombat wrote:
Women want a man who will love them and protect them and give them children and support the children.

Never mind all this "woman's lib" crap.

If you love the woman then tell her so. Tell her that you will devote your life to her and your children.

If she rejects you then she is not the right woman for you.


Then do tell me: does the "right woman" even exist? When I declare my undying love for any woman they usually get creeped out...



Michjo
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20 Jun 2009, 11:16 am

Let go of your feelings.

I'm not going to claim you (don't) have feelings for her, but if she was the right person, you wouldn't have shared, and wouldn't want to share those feelings while she was with someone else.



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20 Jun 2009, 1:51 pm

Um let it go. I feel incredibly bad for your situation, its hard to find someone who you're compatible with like that and not act on it.

But you said something already right? How would you feel if you were with this girl and some guy kept trying to push up on her or worse yet kissed her?

She acknowledged your feelings and she's still with this guy, you don't have to respect or like this guy. But you should respect your friends relationship as long as its something she wants.

The ball is in her court now as long as she knows how you feel, if she breaks up with him then approach her again but until that happens, if it happens, let it go.



UnrelentingHorror
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21 Jun 2009, 2:16 am

Ok well thanks guys.
Hearing your responses was helpful.

I kind of already knew what I had to do on some level but this is helping to confirm it.

Even those of you whom seem to be rather critical lol.

And greatsharkbite I've been thinking the same thing. though for claritys sake no I did not say anything to her before I knew she was in a relationship and no I did not try to "push up" on her or kiss her knowing she was with someone. So it seems like I am as level headed about it as I thought which is comforting.



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21 Jun 2009, 9:37 am

If she's into older men, then maybe she values maturity. Maturity is a little hard to make up, and people who try too hard to demonstrate this look like posers. His lack of being interested in her might pass off as maturity in her mind and cause her to find him attractive when she really shouldn't.

I don't mean to instill false hope, but you do enjoy being around her. I think if you demonstrate that you're willing to point out some of her bad qualities in a playful manner (the way you'd point out her good or fun qualities), she may percieve some maturity in you. I know what your feelings are and this would be difficult for you to do if you were completely attached, do you have an outlet for these emotions? I use outlets myself to handle situations better.



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21 Jun 2009, 3:58 pm

You said you already told her how you feel, so I would distance myself from her, and give her the time she needs to miss you, and figure out what her feelings are about you.

Right now, she is basically getting her needs met from both of you. She is getting the challenge part of it from him (him not being interested, etc), and she is getting her emotional needs and support from you. If I was in this situation, I would just move on, because I wouldn't like sharing a girl with someone else.



MDD123
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21 Jun 2009, 10:38 pm

SilverStar wrote:
You said you already told her how you feel, so I would distance myself from her, and give her the time she needs to miss you, and figure out what her feelings are about you.

Right now, she is basically getting her needs met from both of you. She is getting the challenge part of it from him (him not being interested, etc), and she is getting her emotional needs and support from you. If I was in this situation, I would just move on, because I wouldn't like sharing a girl with someone else.


This isn't a bad strategy, but there's a method to it. If you act like you're avoiding her, she might feel abandoned, it's really hard to push people away tactfully, especially when you have feelings towards them. I like to appeal to feelings myself, if something is bothering someone, I like to address it and make them feel like they can take care of it. I think this is effective because if she feels unhappy around him she will likely see you as a good fallback guy, now this might seem insulting, but being the fallback guy is better than not even being on the list (which can easily happen as well).

If you go the route of reassuring her, it would be in your best interest to leave your emotions out of it. People genuinely care more about their emotions than they do for the other person's, this doesn't mean you can't act emotional, you just need to demonstrate that you can understand or appreciate her emotions.

It is very useful to seem content with her as well, being happy or looking forward to something completely unrelated to her can instill a sense of inspiration in her and make her see you in a better light.

In the end, you're on your own as far as this situation goes, if other options seem more appropriate, then they could be just as appropriate.



UnrelentingHorror
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22 Jun 2009, 3:31 am

Ok so I think I've reached some equilibrium on the issue.

I believe I am still going to try and date people like I have been doing even though currently the only people I've gone out with seem to suck horribly.

But thats okay, I guess. Also I am just going to continue to be an awesome friend to her which I believe would entail not pushing the issue at all nor acting on some of my more .... I guess you'd say intense, feelings towards her.

She seems to be complaining about the guy more and more as time goes on so I'll just bite my tongue about my more harsh thoughts during her venting sessions.
I know eventually she'll break up with him, its actually kind of obvious even to an aspie, but that doesn't mean I need to pursue her as soon as that happens.
If something ends up happening and we're good together well then great, but if not shes still one of my favourite people to be around and a great friend so thats a win as well.

I think things are gonna be fine.
Thanks folks, you've provided much needed catharsis on the issue and I appreciate it.



Michjo
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22 Jun 2009, 7:27 am

UnrelentingHorror wrote:
Ok so I think I've reached some equilibrium on the issue.

I believe I am still going to try and date people like I have been doing even though currently the only people I've gone out with seem to suck horribly.

But thats okay, I guess. Also I am just going to continue to be an awesome friend to her which I believe would entail not pushing the issue at all nor acting on some of my more .... I guess you'd say intense, feelings towards her.

She seems to be complaining about the guy more and more as time goes on so I'll just bite my tongue about my more harsh thoughts during her venting sessions.
I know eventually she'll break up with him, its actually kind of obvious even to an aspie, but that doesn't mean I need to pursue her as soon as that happens.
If something ends up happening and we're good together well then great, but if not shes still one of my favourite people to be around and a great friend so thats a win as well.

I think things are gonna be fine.
Thanks folks, you've provided much needed catharsis on the issue and I appreciate it.

I think you are doing the right thing here, well done. If and when she breaks up with this other guy, who knows, seeing you with someone might make her jealous. Then it's upto you if you wish to persue a relationship with her :)



Travell
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22 Jun 2009, 11:31 am

ok she likes the guy who doesnt give her attention. forget her. she has the problem not you. how many times do i have to say this. its not you guys' problems why these women act this way. its their problems.
should u start giving her less attention? No, but you should stop wearing your feelings on your sleeve to her. and wear your feelings on your sleeve to someone that you like that also likes you and wears her feelings on her sleeves for you. she obviously has the problem. let her go with that stupid guy. its not your problem

**you were not put on earth to fulfill someone else's dreams and fantasies....we are brought in this earth alone, and we die alone**

the greatest people like scientists, musicians, presidents, leaders, and so forth were the weirdest people before they got to where they were.
Most people cannot wake up in the morning and honestly say I love who I am because they have insecurities whther its cuz they think they are ugly, or too nice, too fat, too black, or son on. The people who ignore their insecurities and are the oddballs are the ones who become great people.
Barack Obama for instance was a weirdo. he was darker than all the other kids in Hawaii, he had curly hair, and was a loner. He used crack to hide his insecurities until he found out that it didnt matter anymore. He stayed to himself and became one of the greatest people in american history. His wife even thought he was weird and turned him down twice b4 she said yes for a date.



sunshower
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22 Jun 2009, 11:39 am

Travell wrote:
ok she likes the guy who doesnt give her attention. forget her. she has the problem not you. how many times do i have to say this. its not you guys' problems why these women act this way. its their problems.
should u start giving her less attention? No, but you should stop wearing your feelings on your sleeve to her. and wear your feelings on your sleeve to someone that you like that also likes you and wears her feelings on her sleeves for you. she obviously has the problem. let her go with that stupid guy. its not your problem

**you were not put on earth to fulfill someone else's dreams and fantasies....we are brought in this earth alone, and we die alone**



This is not good advice. Travell, have you considered that it's not a "problem" and more of a pitfall of feelings and relationships? And it happens both ways, with men and women. With that sort of attitude you might be dooming yourself to failure. I hope this doesn't sound harsh, what I'm trying to get at is that it's not the best idea to think that it's the other persons fault and they have problems if things don't immediately go your way. It's a very aspie way of thinking (because you can only see things from your perspective and not theirs) but it's a good skill to try and develop - to try and see outside of yourself, and from their eyes.


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