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pat2rome
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17 Jul 2009, 8:23 pm

Right now, there are three different girls that would date me. Two are very unattractive to me, and one is slightly attractive but seriously insane. The only reason I know that they would want to date me is that they make it veeery obvious.

The problem is, I have no idea how many, if any, attractive girls would date me because most people feel the need to be subtle about it. Even when I get to thinking "How many girls think I'm not interested when I'm just not noticing?" I feel like I'm being arrogant even assuming there are signals to miss in the first place.

It seems to me that being forward about your intentions is considered "desperate." Why? Even one of the girls I told about my Asperger's and how I need to be told things straight up instead of having "hints" dropped kept doing it until she saw how oblivious I was to it. When I asked her why, she said it would make her feel slu*ty (even though we fooled around after this conversation; I know enough to NEVER say this to her, but that's what should have made her feel slu*ty).

Why does it matter more how you convey the message than what message you're conveying? Also, sorry if this seems disjointed somehow.



jbaspie
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17 Jul 2009, 8:40 pm

There are so many unattractive girls that have liked me in the past, and so many attractive ones that have not, or never said anything.

Just don't go with them, tell them you're not attracted to them. Live goes on.

theres no karma, just cuz u turn down a girl, doesnt mean that a girl you like is gonna turn you down because of that situation. If girls, which im assuming, you like already turn you down, then by you not turning down the ones you dont like is not going to change your luck with the ones you do like.

Unattractive people, girls in general have so much trouble getting boys to notice them, so they are very upfront. and especially if you are a cute guy, who doesnt get much attention from girls cuz u are different, she will be all over you. It's just like a cute girl who doesnt get attention from guys (which is never gonna happen) and a guy viewing that as easy access to a friendship or relationship.

Just like women turn down guys for lack of confidence, lack of good looks, or for being weird. You have the right to turn a girl down because she's unattractive. Lighten up my friend. if you date those girls you wont be able to love or like them the way you would want to like a girl, because they are missing the looks. Just like if a guy was great, but he didnt have looks, some girls wouldnt like him. and most girls wouldnt date a guy who appears to have a lack of confidence.
It's not shallow because you dont like her because she's not attractive. My mom tries to get me and my bros to talk to unattractive girls all the time, but we dont. Shallow? to some people, but who cares.



pat2rome
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17 Jul 2009, 8:54 pm

jbaspie wrote:
There are so many unattractive girls that have liked me in the past, and so many attractive ones that have not, or never said anything.

Just don't go with them, tell them you're not attracted to them. Live goes on.

theres no karma, just cuz u turn down a girl, doesnt mean that a girl you like is gonna turn you down because of that situation. If girls, which im assuming, you like already turn you down, then by you not turning down the ones you dont like is not going to change your luck with the ones you do like.

Unattractive people, girls in general have so much trouble getting boys to notice them, so they are very upfront. and especially if you are a cute guy, who doesnt get much attention from girls cuz u are different, she will be all over you. It's just like a cute girl who doesnt get attention from guys (which is never gonna happen) and a guy viewing that as easy access to a friendship or relationship.

Just like women turn down guys for lack of confidence, lack of good looks, or for being weird. You have the right to turn a girl down because she's unattractive. Lighten up my friend. if you date those girls you wont be able to love or like them the way you would want to like a girl, because they are missing the looks. Just like if a guy was great, but he didnt have looks, some girls wouldnt like him. and most girls wouldnt date a guy who appears to have a lack of confidence.
It's not shallow because you dont like her because she's not attractive. My mom tries to get me and my bros to talk to unattractive girls all the time, but we dont. Shallow? to some people, but who cares.


Oh, I have no problem turning them down (except I probably have to be mean to the crazy one for her to leave me alone, which I can't make myself do). I don't feel guilty about rejecting them; like you said, if I don't feel it I don't feel it. I just have no idea how many dates/random flings I might be missing because I don't pick up on the signs.

It completely confuses me why everyone has to be "subtle" about things.



jbaspie
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17 Jul 2009, 9:00 pm

Me too man. Idk what to tell you, I'm only 17. I have the same problem. I know im not bad looking, andI get girls number easily. but then idk how to go about it. i came to the point wherte i stopped asking for numbers. i know I could probably have the cute little mexican or italian girls that i obsess over, but i just dont even bother. and i do get girl that i dont like in my face, but i just be nice and dont show interest.

But it seems like unattractive women think like men (not really but they carry themselves like men after being ignored, w/o the killing or raping part). If a guy is a little bit of an a-hole to her, then she moves on to the next guy. so yes, this is the time to be a jerk, just ignore that one stupid girl you been telling me about (the girl who tells about you aspergers) and she'll leave you alone.



pat2rome
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17 Jul 2009, 9:09 pm

jbaspie wrote:
Me too man. Idk what to tell you, I'm only 17. I have the same problem. I know im not bad looking, andI get girls number easily. but then idk how to go about it. i came to the point wherte i stopped asking for numbers. i know I could probably have the cute little mexican or italian girls that i obsess over, but i just dont even bother. and i do get girl that i dont like in my face, but i just be nice and dont show interest.

But it seems like unattractive women think like men. If a guy is a little bit of an a-hole to her, then she moves on to the next guy. so yes, this is the time to be a jerk, just ignore that one stupid girl you been telling me about (the girl who tells about you aspergers) and she'll leave you alone.


Sorry, I don't think I made that part clear. The girl I fooled around with is the girl I told about my Asperger's. However, she's not one of the three who wants to date me. We're both fine with messing around every once in a while.



Vanilla_Slice
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18 Jul 2009, 9:17 am

"Right now, there are three different girls that would date me."

This is not a problem and you are very lucky. Most aspies including me would sell their right testicle to be in your situation. :lol:

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18 Jul 2009, 11:38 am

pat2rome wrote:
It completely confuses me why everyone has to be "subtle" about things.

Most people are wired to instinctively understand the subtlety fairly well, so it isn't confusing for them. And if you are subtle about it, it gives you plausible deniability, so if you act interested in someone and they blow you off, then you can pretend nothing happened and avoid embarassment.


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Vanilla_Slice
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19 Jul 2009, 4:16 am

"Most people are wired to instinctively understand the subtlety fairly well, so it isn't confusing for them. And if you are subtle about it, it gives you plausible deniability, so if you act interested in someone and they blow you off, then you can pretend nothing happened and avoid embarassment."

An example, although I keep using my gym here and I must stop.

An employee of the gym where you work out walks into the weights room. She's quite pretty and, right now she's looking a bit lost, very sexy but lost.

SUBTLE

Slice "Can I help"?
Marta "I'm looking for someone"
Slice "Will I do"? You then look her straight in the eyes and hold that gaze until she breaks it. A gentle smile at this point would also be a good thing and try hard not to look at that beautiful figure of hers.

NOT SUBTLE

Slice "I'm glad you're here because I have been watching you for ages and I really like you I think that you have a fabulous figure and that you are a beautiful woman will you go out with me on a date? We can catch a movie and then go out for a meal and then I can walk you home and kiss you on your doorstep.
Marta " Arrggghhh! (she then runs away back to her desk)

Subtle works just fine, less hassle and you don't make a fool of yourself as often.

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21 Jul 2009, 11:38 pm

I have to agree with Vanilla_Slice. Knowing that you have several women interested in you is an extraordinary position for an Aspie to be in. As an over-40 Aspie, I've never been in that position, at least to my knowledge. As an not entire high-functioning Aspie, I probably wouldn't know if I was in that position anyway.

This "subtlety" thing is infuriating. I hear people talk about it, read books on body language, listen to friends or family explain it, and I might as well be trying to read Sumerian cuneiform. I know it exists, much as I know quarks exist, but I do not understand it. At least quarks have equations, so there is hope of understanding their behavior.

Good luck with this "problem". Perhaps an NT friend can help mediate for you?