Problems with empathy, emotion, and romance.

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QuadCoreDueller
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11 Aug 2009, 3:12 pm

Hello.
These may be some very broad, general questions or situations, but here goes.

I have been told by my future wife (gf of 5 years now), that I am emotionless, un-empathetic, and I lack passion and romance. We don't have sex, we are waiting for marriage (although we have a lot before, but things got really crazy, few other messes).

When it comes to being emotionless, I feel I have lots of emotion, I just don't have emotion when she is mad at me, or asks me to explain a certain action. For example, her family now lives out of state, she is here and living with me just because Im here.

Some kind of block or barricade keeps me in a robotic like trance. I sit there, completely blank look on my face, and respond only with brief phrases, maybe sentences. My reasoning is I don't want to say something stupid that she would take offense at, even though she always has said she will always give me the chance to explain myself. Even with that being said, I cannot remove this mental block.

Secondly, she has told me that I lack empathy. I agree with her, and I just don't know what to do to relate to people outside of myself. I do argue with her about that though, as I am there 100% for family, in the slightest emergency to deaths in the family. I don't know what she is talking about, maybe I need to give better examples, I will get some when I go home later.

And thirdly, romance. I am very sensitive to going out in public, unarmed. I do not have a CWP, but I carry my sog on me at all times. I refuse to go out somewhere I have never been (which can lead to a lot of problems), and I do not feel comfortable if there is anything outside of my control. I don't drive, I don't drink, I rarely eat new food. That has a lot of limits on it.

She is open to a lot of stuff, so please, if you have suggestions regarding anything I have said, float them my way.

If you have similar problems, blocks, or thoughts, please let me know.
Thank you!


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sgrannel
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11 Aug 2009, 3:29 pm

QuadCoreDueller wrote:
I have been told by my future wife (gf of 5 years now), that I am emotionless, un-empathetic, and I lack passion and romance. We don't have sex, we are waiting for marriage (although we have a lot before, but things got really crazy, few other messes).

This doesn't sound good. This is someone you plan to marry. Does this sound like the talk of someone who is really planning to marry you?

QuadCoreDueller wrote:
When it comes to being emotionless, I feel I have lots of emotion, I just don't have emotion when she is mad at me, or asks me to explain a certain action.

If she gets angry or expresses disapproval, you tend to have difficulty with processing your own emotions. Try being a little deliberately oppositional to see how she reacts. What have you got to lose?

QuadCoreDueller wrote:
And thirdly, romance. I am very sensitive to going out in public, unarmed. I do not have a CWP, but I carry my sog on me at all times. I refuse to go out somewhere I have never been (which can lead to a lot of problems), and I do not feel comfortable if there is anything outside of my control. I don't drive, I don't drink, I rarely eat new food. That has a lot of limits on it.

Nothing says romance quite like carrying a loaded gun without a permit. You are a real "bad boy" aren't you? What is a sog? I find trying new things and going new places a bit overstimulating at times, too. Why not learn to drive? Driving doesn't seem nearly as scary as operating a gun, for which I hope you have some training and practice, otherwise having the gun will only serve to further endanger you if you find yourself in a bad situation.


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QuadCoreDueller
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11 Aug 2009, 3:45 pm

sgrannel:
Thanks for the feedback, let me clear a couple things up.
She is very set on marrying me, on her finger is my mother's engagement diamond reset into a nice white gold ring.

"Try being a little deliberately oppositional to see how she reacts."

Can you explain this a little more please? Oppositional to my own feelings, or towards her and her disapproval? Im a little confused, if you could clarify that would be excellent!

For the last part. I don't carry a gun, without a permit. Whatsoever. I only own a Moison Nagant and that is a russian infantry combat rifle. I need to get a CWP so I can feel more comfortable with the unknown. I have a thread in the newbie section you might want to check out, details a bit of my military history and such.
A sog that I carry is just a standard flip blade within regulations, non concealed.
I do know how to drive, my license was revoked and I need to pay a lawyer to get it back, that is a long story, but let me try to sum it up - I blew well below the legal limit of .08 (blew a .03), I still got charged for DUI, then paid a lawyer to try to get me out of it. I was studying criminal justice, and I knew that he could get me out of it. I owe him 3500 for a 2 year deferral and victims panel and drug and alc eval. I don't consider that getting me out of it, so I just stopped talking to him.
I am on the track of getting my license back, and I am sure that will definitely ease some of the tension between us.

Thanks for the input, hope to hear some more soon!


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Evil_Squeakheads
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12 Aug 2009, 5:41 pm

I'm familiar with this mental barricade. It MIGHT be related to anxiety/stress. Even if you claim you're not feeling any stress, it might be there without you realizing it. With that said, I recently started taking some anti-anxiety medication (a tiny amount of klonopin), and it would temporarily pull that mental barricade down and make me "kind of NT". It made my social interactions a lot easier for a short period of time. But once the klonopin wore off I'd feel an agonizing and unprovoked rush of adrenaline throughout my body, which would eventually turn into the mental barricade again.

But you probably shouldn't just go and take prescription drugs because some college internet chick told you it would be a good idea. I'm still experimenting myself, so none of this should be considered as accurate. *private* activities also did the same stress-release thing for me, but I don't know if that will also apply to you.

Also, whenever I feel tired or trancelike during a certain situation, I take it as an early sign that I'm stressed. If I ignore my trance and continue dealing with this situation, I become angry for no reason and I take it out on everyone.

You may not lack empathy as much as you think you do. When someone tells me a vague story about feeling sad without giving details, I don't emotionally respond. But once I hear a concrete story, I respond with much more empathy. We aspies need "concrete" situations, or else we don't know how to relate to it. And like I said earlier, empathy becomes much easier once the mental barricades are down.