Doubting your suitability as a partner

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sunshower
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20 Jun 2009, 6:50 am

Do you ever doubt your suitability as a life partner for someone in the future? I often do, I often wonder if I could inflict myself on someone like that for life, and whether I'd fail as a mother to any kids we might have.

I know this is not a very positive post from me, sorry :( but does anyone else worry about this? I worry about this a lot, I'd rather isolate myself and be alone forever than being a bad partner for someone else and ruining their life and the lives of our children by failing as a parent.

Please discuss, any viewpoints or insights on the issue are much appreciated.


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irene
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20 Jun 2009, 7:04 am

I definitely agree with you. For years I have been living with a man and I still am not convinced that this situation is the best one for me, or him. Frequently I feel as though he would be happier living with someone who isn't as needy as I am.

I don't think that I will ever be able to understand relationships. When I see other couples together it seems to me that there's is different than mine, and maybe even better. They look as though they have a better sense of intimacy.

No, I never wanted to have children because I feel as though I am one. My mother let me know that she was glad I didn't. She's also the one who let me know that if there was birth control available at the time I was born I wouldn't be here. And if she was tested to see if the fetus she was carrying had autism she would have aborted.

irene



sunshower
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20 Jun 2009, 7:08 am

irene wrote:
I definitely agree with you. For years I have been living with a man and I still am not convinced that this situation is the best one for me, or him. Frequently I feel as though he would be happier living with someone who isn't as needy as I am.

I don't think that I will ever be able to understand relationships. When I see other couples together it seems to me that there's is different than mine, and maybe even better. They look as though they have a better sense of intimacy.

No, I never wanted to have children because I feel as though I am one. My mother let me know that she was glad I didn't. She's also the one who let me know that if there was birth control available at the time I was born I wouldn't be here. And if she was tested to see if the fetus she was carrying had autism she would have aborted.

irene


That's very sad irene, I understand about feeling like a child. At least you're giving it a go though, and want him to make him happy - that is a good thing.


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anna-banana
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20 Jun 2009, 7:10 am

you'll never know unless you try. I've had 2 fails so far, so I'm sorted :p


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Travell
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20 Jun 2009, 7:49 am

sunshower wrote:
Do you ever doubt your suitability as a life partner for someone in the future? I often do, I often wonder if I could inflict myself on someone like that for life, and whether I'd fail as a mother to any kids we might have.

I know this is not a very positive post from me, sorry :( but does anyone else worry about this? I worry about this a lot, I'd rather isolate myself and be alone forever than being a bad partner for someone else and ruining their life and the lives of our children by failing as a parent.

Please discuss, any viewpoints or insights on the issue are much appreciated.


I worry if any girls that I really like will be attracted to me enough to be my partner.I always have girls like me that i dont like. and if i dont like a girl, i wont be able to love her as much as the girl that im attracted to.



Hala
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20 Jun 2009, 8:23 am

All the time. :(


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MissConstrue
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20 Jun 2009, 9:09 am

sunshower wrote:


Quote:
Do you ever doubt your suitability as a life partner for someone in the future?


This has always been an issue with me and hence the reason why I'm not so quick or desperate to pursue a relationship. There are some things I can't change about myself. I use to try a little too hard in changing the very things that defined me. Sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't. The end result was never satisfying or what I thought happiness meant in obtaining relationships. I gotten to the point now in asking what I'm willing to give up and what I'm willing to keep.

There are many traits in me that may seem selfish, but I've come to learn that some of these very traits are exactly why I was diagnosed with aspergers since these are issues I cannot change realistically. That doesn't mean there things I'm not willing to change such as commitment and some values that're fundemental in making both parties happy. But there are some things such as my intense interests, quirky behavior, and odd ways in which I socialize and engage...that would be difficult in changing.

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I'd rather isolate myself and be alone forever than being a bad partner for someone else and ruining their life and the lives of our children by failing as a parent.


There are always going to be risks one has to take in order to learn and progress. I wouldn't focus too much on what it means to fail since it is something you haven't tried. I think anna-banana couldn't have put it better. Also, failure is not failure unless it's without effort. In other words, one's idea of perfections is another's idea of failure if that ideal can never be obtained without making mistakes.

To sum this topic up; There is no failure except in no longer trying. ~Elbert Hubbard


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Last edited by MissConstrue on 20 Jun 2009, 9:33 am, edited 1 time in total.

whitetiger
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20 Jun 2009, 9:14 am

Once, my AS BF broke up with me because he said he "wasn't any good at relationships and was giving up because of his condition." This was in November. We got back together after that and we are still together.

I believe it is prevalent in our community to wonder this. I have wondered this. Still, I'm in a relationship, totally AS, that works. We just give each other a lot of stress and have tolerance and acceptance for each other's eccentricities.


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Wombat
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20 Jun 2009, 10:52 am

sunshower wrote:
Do you ever doubt your suitability as a life partner for someone in the future? I often do, I often wonder if I could inflict myself on someone like that for life, and whether I'd fail as a mother to any kids we might have..


Do you WANT to be a good partner and mother?

Would you like a partner that you can trust and rely on?

Do you want children?

Would you devote your life to your partner and your children?

If the answer is yes then go for it!



pschristmas
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20 Jun 2009, 10:56 am

I talked about this with my therapist during our last visit. He agreed with me that I wouldn't be able to have a relationship with just any guy. He'd have to be very patient and be able to not take it personally when I just wanted to be left alone because it isn't just a preference with me, but a true need. I've tried changing myself in the past, too, to make up for what I saw as deficits in my own personality -- self-centeredness, lack of charity, lack of patience, etc. I end up going too far in the opposite direction and get taken advantage of horribly. :(

As a parent, though, I seem to have done an okay job, despite my failings. The kid seems to have turned out okay. :wink: She has a few complaints, but overall she says she agrees with me.

Regards,

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Michjo
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20 Jun 2009, 11:13 am

sunshower wrote:
Do you ever doubt your suitability as a life partner for someone in the future? I often do, I often wonder if I could inflict myself on someone like that for life, and whether I'd fail as a mother to any kids we might have.

I know this is not a very positive post from me, sorry :( but does anyone else worry about this? I worry about this a lot, I'd rather isolate myself and be alone forever than being a bad partner for someone else and ruining their life and the lives of our children by failing as a parent.

Please discuss, any viewpoints or insights on the issue are much appreciated.

Wether you are good or not doesn't really depend on you, it depends on who your partner is. I think the trick is finding the right one, someone who compliments/covers your weaknesses and viseversa.



sgrannel
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20 Jun 2009, 12:51 pm

Yes, I have doubted it. Dating attempts in the past have been so awkward and uncomfortable that I have not really given it much more effort. I could imagine myself in a relationship, but this is like imagining that you can play football and getting totally disoriented when you get on the field. Then there's the issue of money. I just want to be able to support myself before I attempt any dating again. As far as having children goes, the implications of having them or not having them, is too much for me to think about at this point. Extreme ambivalence is pervasive.


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CJBinks
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20 Jun 2009, 1:21 pm

Sunshower,

You likely will be a decent parent. You almost certainly won't be a helicopter parent and that is a good thing.

Now, as a partner, it depends on the person. For me, I am a lousy partner for most women. I have the scars to show for it. And it isn't for lack of trying. But, not being able to pick up on non-verbal cues is a big, big problem. I didn't know about ASD until fairly recently. So I always thought all I had to do was try harder and I could crack the non-verbal thing.

So I really should have stayed away from women who depend on non-verbal stuff and focused on those who are comfortable with direct communication, no beating around the various bushes. Unfortunately, they seem to be in short supply.

Sigh.

But, I digress.

So it is important that you pick as a partner someone who can adjust to your quirks, whatever they may be. Your kids will have no trouble doing that, it is what kids do. Realize though, it is a crap shoot even with NTs. You will need to experience others and find those who can deal with you as who you are.



PatientZero
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20 Jun 2009, 1:43 pm

sunshower wrote:
Do you ever doubt your suitability as a life partner for someone in the future? I often do, I often wonder if I could inflict myself on someone like that for life, and whether I'd fail as a mother to any kids we might have.

I know this is not a very positive post from me, sorry :( but does anyone else worry about this? I worry about this a lot, I'd rather isolate myself and be alone forever than being a bad partner for someone else and ruining their life and the lives of our children by failing as a parent.

Please discuss, any viewpoints or insights on the issue are much appreciated.


I think the fact you worry about this stuff, means you'll be pretty great at being a mother and a life partner, it's the little things as well as the big things that make it, so I think you'd be okay :)


I also worry about this stuff too, and it's so easy to doubt yourself, while others looking from the outside see things differently, so just think that, the things you think are bad about yourself are what others will think are good.



Michjo
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20 Jun 2009, 1:58 pm

PatientZero wrote:
sunshower wrote:
Do you ever doubt your suitability as a life partner for someone in the future? I often do, I often wonder if I could inflict myself on someone like that for life, and whether I'd fail as a mother to any kids we might have.

I know this is not a very positive post from me, sorry :( but does anyone else worry about this? I worry about this a lot, I'd rather isolate myself and be alone forever than being a bad partner for someone else and ruining their life and the lives of our children by failing as a parent.

Please discuss, any viewpoints or insights on the issue are much appreciated.


I think the fact you worry about this stuff, means you'll be pretty great at being a mother and a life partner, it's the little things as well as the big things that make it, so I think you'd be okay :)


I also worry about this stuff too, and it's so easy to doubt yourself, while others looking from the outside see things differently, so just think that, the things you think are bad about yourself are what others will think are good.

I just came back into this thread to state this, looks like you beat me to it. Usually the best parents and partners are those who worry about wether they will be good enough. They are the people who change their behaviour and learn from their mistakes. People who belief they are good parents and partners are the ones who don't learn from mistakes.



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20 Jun 2009, 2:07 pm

Yes, I doubt it. I don't think I will ever be "good enough" to meet the demands of a woman... not unless her criteria is a lot different from most women.

However, I don't feel "inferior" to guys who are in relationships, since most of them fail anyway.