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Tim_Tex
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13 Nov 2009, 1:40 am

After a few failed attempts at relationships recently, I have come to the conclusion that I am not the type of person that one would want to date.

I am very goal-oriented, always trying to better myself, like to travel, have a good sense of humor, creative, and always loyal.

Yet, despite those positive characteristics, I feel like I am the type of person that people just settle for when nobody else will show them any attention. Someone who is interested would not be thinking "This is the guy of my dreams". Rather, they would be thinking "Finally, attention from the opposite sex!! !"

I have done everything in my power to make myself attractive to people. I make the first move when meeting someone, I am very gentlemanly on a date, and always paying for both the date and myself, always holding the door open, etc. But even with all that, I am merely someone's "last resort".


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Aspie_Chav
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13 Nov 2009, 2:22 am

Tim_Tex wrote:
Yet, despite those positive characteristics, I feel like I am the type of person that people just settle for when nobody else will show them any attention. .


I feel much like that too, especially now that single woman my age are spinsters or childless woman.



jawbrodt
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13 Nov 2009, 4:16 am

Hmmm.....that's a tough one. :chin: Perhaps you are targeting women randomly, and have no idea who is your 'type'? You seem to describe your dating qualities, as if you're compiling a resume. When i run into girls of 'my type', I can just feel it. There is no "does she have this quality, or do this or that?", no real 'asking' myself anything. I think your problem is that you think about it too much, and try to do things by an 'instruction manual' rather than being yourself. There's a girl out there for you Tim, you just have to learn how to relax and be yourself, first, before you worry about that. Then, thing's will happen much more easily. 8)


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13 Nov 2009, 8:11 am

jawbrodt wrote:
. There's a girl out there for you Tim, you just have to learn how to relax and be yourself, first, before you worry about that. Then, thing's will happen much more easily. 8)


I think we all started that way at first, expecially when it appeared to be the commonsense thing todo. Maybe tim if you are very young, you should give it a try, else we will end up being another single aspie statitics.

An average NTs will become married with children ( Which can leed to very busy lively household) An aspie stays single and childness ( A very dead household). If you do thing as an avarege aspie, your are playing with fate.



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13 Nov 2009, 11:02 am

Tim_Tex wrote:
I feel like I am the type of person that people just settle for when nobody else will show them any attention. Someone who is interested would not be thinking "This is the guy of my dreams". Rather, they would be thinking "Finally, attention from the opposite sex!! !"

I have done everything in my power to make myself attractive to people. I make the first move when meeting someone, I am very gentlemanly on a date, and always paying for both the date and myself, always holding the door open, etc. But even with all that, I am merely someone's "last resort".

I think I'm like that too. But instead of feeling bad about it, I embrace it. How and why? Let me explain. Look at the animal world: females always always always look for a male with the best genes; that's even true if they have to "share" him with other females. While humans became more civilized and generally seek monogamous relations, vestiges of that "best genes seeking" in women remained.

Now, I'm fully aware that I don't have anything close to best genes. The types of women that most men want (think 36D-24-36) can generally find someone way better than me. But I try to "market" myself to women for whom I'm the best man they can find, like the description in the first paragraph of the quote. More of then than not, I've had some great relationships from using my tactic, and I don't plan to stop using it anytime soon.



Tim_Tex
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13 Nov 2009, 11:50 am

I would like to be someone's first choice, not what that person considers to be "scraps".

But I feel like that will never happen.

Even if I didn't have the criteria that I do have (I won't list them here since most people on here know what they are by now), nothing would change.


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KenM
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13 Nov 2009, 11:59 am

Tim, look on the bright side, at least you have people thinking of you like that. Wanting to be with you.

Pretty much everyone I was ever interested in has said no way never happen no matter what.



Janissy
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13 Nov 2009, 12:15 pm

Tim_Tex wrote:
I would like to be someone's first choice, not what that person considers to be "scraps".

But I feel like that will never happen.

Even if I didn't have the criteria that I do have (I won't list them here since most people on here know what they are by now), nothing would change.


I so disagree with you here. I think if you didn't have the criteria you have, everything would change. But your list is so incredibly specific and refined that it screens out nearly all women. If you would be willing to consider a broader range of women, your chances of finding one who was attracted to you specifically would go up exponentially. Get rid of that list. It's condemning you to loneliness and there is no need to live like that when tossing the list could change everything.



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13 Nov 2009, 12:30 pm

Hmm... I think I know why Tim (subconsciously) keeps that list... he wants a relationship that won't fail. And it's perfectly natural if that's what you're going for to try and find the mate with the most compatible interests...

I perfectly understand, since I'm struggling to keep my own relationship above water right now... I'm trying real hard to make this work, yet with each passing day it's looking more and more likely that I will end up being a failure.

The important thing to remember is that any relationship is going to take work and communication, no matter what interests are involved. If I hadn't worked at it and communicated well with my girlfriend, the relationship would have been over before I could even post the first time about having a girlfriend. And no, she doesn't share the same exact interests as me (a few interests, yes, but not everything). You don't need to find a conservative christian that likes South Park... perhaps you could find a moderate christian that doesn't mind the fact that you watch it instead... but either of those possibilities will require those work and communication elements to work anyway, so might as well not restrict yourself. If you can maintain those two qualities in a relationship, you can make almost anything succeed... you need not be a failure...



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13 Nov 2009, 12:42 pm

Janissy nailed it.

All you have learned is that you are not the kind of person a very, very, very tiny and specific minority of women want to date.



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13 Nov 2009, 4:59 pm

If I were a woman I would ask you out, Tim!! :mrgreen:


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Tim_Tex
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13 Nov 2009, 7:39 pm

What's the point?

NTs don't find me attractive, and neither do other Aspies.


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superboyian
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13 Nov 2009, 7:49 pm

Are you a outgoing sort of person? Certain places you find more ladies than others but its easier if you start of being friends with the lady you are attracted to and taking it easy.
Maybe if you are lucky, the girl might end up liking you :D


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13 Nov 2009, 7:56 pm

I understand the mindset you're coming from.

Guys i've liked paid me attention only because no-one else would. It makes you feel worthless and horrible. Especially when someone else pays them attention and you just never hear from them after that.

It's very hard to find a person who will treat you like their first choice, as there are 6 billion people in the world and they're bound to meet someone they would rather be with.

Thats my look on it anyway. Then again I've only ever had bad experiences with men, in the worst case a man paying me attention because there was no-one better at the time and drumming my self esteem into the ground.

My advice to you is don't settle for these types of people. If you're with someone who displays servere "grass is greener" syndrome, put on your running shoes.

But love does exist. When you're not really into someone, you wonder what else is out there in the dating fish pond. When you love them, you don't care what else is out there in the dating fish pond.

I do believe there is someone for everyone. You just have to find them.



EnglishInvader
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14 Nov 2009, 1:33 am

Better than Nothing

I'll take nothing. Hasn't done me any harm so far.



hale_bopp
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14 Nov 2009, 3:17 am

EnglishInvader wrote:
Better than Nothing

I'll take nothing. Hasn't done me any harm so far.


Word.

I would take nothing rather than "settle" for someone too.