Online dating sucks, or is it just me?

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HopeGrows
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30 Jan 2010, 1:11 am

It's funny....when I was dating Grisha, he told me I was almost "supernaturally perfect" for him. We shared the same politics, the same beliefs, the same hobbies...we had even both owned our own companies - and I was interested in learning about the company he's building. We are both smart, we have kids the same age, and I didn't care that he has AS. Even his special interests weren’t a problem...I liked the same things. (And I thought it was neat that his interests changed every year or so....I thought having him in my life would be like having my own personal community college - he'd always be teaching me new things as his interests changed.)

And I never pressured him to do anything he didn't want to do because of his AS. Even though I did want to talk on the phone - just once, so I could hear the sound of his voice...but that stressed him out, so we didn't talk on the phone. And he didn't have internet access at home, so we couldn't skype....and I couldn't email him outside of work hours....and he didn't have a cell phone, so I couldn't text him. I never complained about any of it, because I wanted him to be comfortable. I asked him to teach me about AS, and tell me what he needed from a relationship - I wanted to understand. His crazy ex-wife didn't even scare me away....and I wrote him porn (and it was pretty good porn, too). When it came to him, I was good to go.

And he dumped me - twice. The first time because I wasn't hot enough for him. The second time because I suggested that we might want to educate ourselves about AS. Since then, I've learned (through the magic of WP posts) the many, many ways I was never, ever good enough for him: I was too extroverted; I was completely unattractive to him (I'm not the pretty girl he'd want to show off - he'd have to "catch" Stockholm Syndrome in order to be with me - I was the "romantic problem" he wanted to solve....and I guess that also makes me the girl he "tried dating" but wasn't attracted to - "and it was disastrous for both parties, instead of being 'just friends' we ended up 'not friends'."); I made the "first move" - which he finds emasculating; he joined an online dating site pretty much the day he dumped me; and his dream is to be with an Aspie (ummm, did I mention I'm NT?). Oh, and let's not forget the "unvarying rejection" he experiences with women - even though he rejected me. (I wrote him an email to tell him I was hurt and confused by his posts, but that I was happy he had a place like WP where he felt like he belonged, and could express himself. He never responded.)

And here’s the real kick in the jaw - I finally finished my "closure" letter tonight....I finally was able to resurrect enough affection for him to wish him well - just in time to read this post. Just in time to learn that he couldn't wait to post his online profile just as soon as he’d dumped me - and he's just so super excited about meeting his Aspie dream girl - a.k.a., anyone but me. Ironic, don't you think?

I found WP last summer to try to find some answers about AS. I had a friendship with someone I thought was an Aspie, and he behaved in a way that was extremely inappropriate. I was trying to understand AS, and put that man's behavior into a context I could understand. I started answering posts here because it seemed like many of the questions were things a garden variety NT (like me) could answer pretty easily - and they caused people such anxiety and anguish. I'd like to think I helped some people along the way. But then I met Grisha, and I thought that maybe I'd had that terrible experience with my Aspie “friend” so I could meet Grisha. I felt so lucky that I'd met him. I can still remember feeling how scarily perfect he was for me. I wasn't in love with him - we weren't together long enough for that. But I was infatuated....and I hoped that someday my feelings would grow into real love for him.

So it’s time for me to leave WP. I’ve met some nice people along the way, but clearly Grisha’s posts are going to continue (really, G – I get it – you want anyone but me). Unfortunately, I can’t ignore them and I don’t want to be hurt any further. If any of you want to keep in touch, you can reach me at [email protected]. (I know Moderator, I’m not supposed to give out an email address, and I’m not supposed to discuss personal relationships in this forum. I agree - it's inappropriate. Please go ahead and deactivate my account.)



TheMinnesotaIceman
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30 Jan 2010, 1:51 am

I met one of my closest friends on a dating site. I care for her very much, and she and I enjoy spending time together. Unfortunately, I'm head-over-heels in love with her, while she only likes me as a good friend. I'm hoping that someday she feels the same way about me. While this scenario is unlikely, it's not impossible. I know of several people who started as friends and later developed successful romantic relationships. Hopefully she and I can do the same. I feel more strongly about her than I ever have about any other girl in my life.



Metal_Man
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30 Jan 2010, 10:02 am

I've tried a few different ones and can't complain about the results. You have to write a profile that catches her interest. Most of the men on dating sites are only into beer and sports and not very intellectual. I found that my Aspieness makes me stick out from the herd of beer swilling, NASCAR douche bags. The freebie sites are the worst so I don't use those. Believe it or not Yahoo personals have proven the best for me.


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NeantHumain
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30 Jan 2010, 2:00 pm

I'd have to say I've wasted too much of my time on it (free dating sites, mind you):

  • Tons of single mothers
  • Some are even pregnant!
  • High-school drop-outs
  • Lots of trolls, fakes, and spambots
  • Many women have a serious mental illness



hale_bopp
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30 Jan 2010, 5:38 pm

Women are always swamped with messages on online dating sites, and men often don't get replies.

It really sucks for guys, but its the same on all of them :/



Grisha
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30 Jan 2010, 8:39 pm

hale_bopp wrote:
Women are always swamped with messages on online dating sites, and men often don't get replies.

It really sucks for guys, but its the same on all of them :/


You're not kidding - I have no idea why any guy would even bother, I'm certainly not going to waste anymore time on them...



elderwanda
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30 Jan 2010, 11:58 pm

HopeGrows wrote:
It's funny....when I was dating Grisha....


8O

What the heck is going on with WP members this week? It must be some kind of planetary alignment thingy cause people to go all nutty with each other. If I had first come to WP during the past few days, I wouldn't have come back. Between the real personal attacks and the whinging about perceived attacks, it's getting really tiresome.

I didn't even read this whole post. Skimming through was enough to let me know that it was way too much personal information and I don't wanna know.

Whatever is in the air lately, I hope it ends soon.

Grisha, don't worry. You'll find someone. Just don't become one of those people who writes a zillion posts snivelling about not having a girlfriend, but being unwilling to do anything about it, and sooner or later, the right one will come along. :)



hale_bopp
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31 Jan 2010, 12:02 am

elderwanda wrote:
HopeGrows wrote:
It's funny....when I was dating Grisha....


8O

What the heck is going on with WP members this week? It must be some kind of planetary alignment thingy cause people to go all nutty with each other.


Indeed.

Its a full moon. Everyone goes nuts at the full moon.



elderwanda
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31 Jan 2010, 12:09 am

hale_bopp wrote:
elderwanda wrote:
HopeGrows wrote:
It's funny....when I was dating Grisha....


8O

What the heck is going on with WP members this week? It must be some kind of planetary alignment thingy cause people to go all nutty with each other.


Indeed.

Its a full moon. Everyone goes nuts at the full moon.


Oh, you're right!

Coincidence? I think not! :lol:



Grisha
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31 Jan 2010, 9:28 am

elderwanda wrote:
HopeGrows wrote:
It's funny....when I was dating Grisha....


Grisha, don't worry. You'll find someone. Just don't become one of those people who writes a zillion posts snivelling about not having a girlfriend, but being unwilling to do anything about it, and sooner or later, the right one will come along. :)


Thanks for the encouragement!

I know I'll figure something out eventually, I recently divorced and I'm just trying to re-learn how to go about it.

Regarding the post in question, I'm still sort of baffled by the whole thing, the moon explanation is as good as any...

EDIT

I cross-posted this from another thread because it explains things better that I ever could - Thanks Janissy!! :)

Janissy wrote:
He has a right to reject her on no basis at all. He does not owe her an explanation. There is absolutely no reason why he should be honest and say to her why he is rejecting her. You aren't getting that he doesn't have to have a reason. He owes her nothing. This idea that she has "a right to defend herself against whatever the 10% are" is absolutely false. This isn't court. This isn't a job application. This is a man who has every right to choose his own romantic partners for his own unstated reasons or choose no romantic partner at all and he neither needs to explain nor justify his reasons. He has rejected her romantically. It ends there. Attempts to get an explanation out of him as to why are harrassment.



therange
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31 Jan 2010, 12:46 pm

Grisha, I know enough about the situation to know that you're acting really immature, and if you continue to act this way in future relationships, it will doom you.



makuranososhi
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31 Jan 2010, 12:59 pm

This thread has degenerated to taking things to a personal level; thread locked.


M.


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