Question for the Aspie males that want girlfriends.

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deadeyexx
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11 Feb 2010, 2:17 pm

Stinkypuppy wrote:
Unorthodox wrote:
As an Aspie who's generally had girlfriends over the years, one thing that comes to mind is that (at least for me) they tend to help out with maintaining a social group, get me on the invite list for couples things, and generally keep me from forgetting that there are other people out there, some of whom are fun and interesting to be around. Left to my own devices I forget to call people, fall out of touch, and generally let friendships drift, where as in a relationship I have someone to help remind me of all those things that "normal" people do, and aside from the obvious things a girlfriend provides I feel that this is the greatest benefit.

From my own personal experience, I think this is totally true, and likely occurs to at least some extent with many Aspies.

However, this begs two questions:
1) Why does the eternally lonely Aspie guy (i.e. subset of AS male population) think that a girlfriend is required for the above, as opposed to a friend-who-is-a-girl?

and

2) If the eternally lonely Aspie guy doesn't have the social skills to maintain a friendship with a friend-who-is-a-girl, on what logical basis does he think that he has the means to maintain a relationship with a girlfriend?

:huh:


1. Because a gf usually likes you for other reasons than your social prowess and is more invested in you. A girl-who-is-a-friend would probably just fade away.

2. This one is tougher to answer. For some reason, it works. I think it's because we can connect on a deep level even though our surface social skills are subpar.

I'm not a lonely aspie, or is my case really that severe. However, my social abilities are still not quite strong enough to be accepted in most situations on my own. But with someone more adept to help mediate, it helps immensely. And only someone who really cares about you will make the effort to do that.



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11 Feb 2010, 3:41 pm

Janissy wrote:
In my opinion, mythologizing women and misogyny are two aspects of the same problem: not seeing women as just being other people. It's seeing women as not being entirely human. We aren't angels (mythologizing) or demons (misogyny). We're just other people. You can see that and want to share the insight and I appreciate that. The more men who come to see that we women are just people, the better. But it's an uphill battle for sure. But ultimately, it's the point of view that leads to healthier relationships between men and women.


I've don't have any issues with that (although, to be fair, in the past I did, although I've worked on that since). I'm friends with a lot of women, ranging from the very good looking to the more-overweight-than-me class. I've worked on my introduction skills and now I can easily introduce myself to a woman with a firm handshake pretty much as if she were a guy. And almost all women I've met (except for a few corporate-minded women that push everyone around) generally respect me as a person, no more, no less, and I return that assessment. If a woman rejects me, I don't blame her for it. It's not "her fault" that she rejected me, nor is she "missing out" on anything. I know full well that I'm to blame for my failure... because I am a failure.

Now will you people just please stop bullying me about being misogynistic when I'm really not?



Janissy
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11 Feb 2010, 4:44 pm

ToadOfSteel wrote:
Janissy wrote:
In my opinion, mythologizing women and misogyny are two aspects of the same problem: not seeing women as just being other people. It's seeing women as not being entirely human. We aren't angels (mythologizing) or demons (misogyny). We're just other people. You can see that and want to share the insight and I appreciate that. The more men who come to see that we women are just people, the better. But it's an uphill battle for sure. But ultimately, it's the point of view that leads to healthier relationships between men and women.


I've don't have any issues with that (although, to be fair, in the past I did, although I've worked on that since). I'm friends with a lot of women, ranging from the very good looking to the more-overweight-than-me class. I've worked on my introduction skills and now I can easily introduce myself to a woman with a firm handshake pretty much as if she were a guy. And almost all women I've met (except for a few corporate-minded women that push everyone around) generally respect me as a person, no more, no less, and I return that assessment. If a woman rejects me, I don't blame her for it. It's not "her fault" that she rejected me, nor is she "missing out" on anything. I know full well that I'm to blame for my failure... because I am a failure.

Now will you people just please stop bullying me about being misogynistic when I'm really not?


You are not who I was thinking of when I wrote that. In fact you have repeatedly shown that you actually do see women as just being other people. I think a part of your relationship woes are actually demographic. You are hunkered down in a situation where you are unlikely to meet single women in your age group. The only way out of that is to get into a different demographic situation (by which I mean, volunteering somewhere other than a church populated mostly by children and couples). I understand that it's a safety zone, but it's a safety zone with not much romantic prospect.



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11 Feb 2010, 4:47 pm

I feel that this thread implies that men are not allowed to have standards, and that they are confined to women who are as insecure as they are.


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RICKY5
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11 Feb 2010, 5:00 pm

I really don't see what a woman offers that I can't buy for an hour or two...



Janissy
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11 Feb 2010, 5:50 pm

Tim_Tex wrote:
I feel that this thread implies that men are not allowed to have standards, and that they are confined to women who are as insecure as they are.


Of course men are allowed to have standards. But you are confined to those who want to have a relationship with you.

If your standards exclude all the women who would want a relationship with you, you will not have a relationship. (therange is right about that).

If you are coming from a very negative emotional place, the women who would want a relationship with you will be coming from a similarly negative emotional place or possibly a toxic emotional place. (billsmithglendale is right about that).

Since all relationships must be consensual, it behooves you to both make sure your standards are realistic (or even remotely possible- there may be no Christian women with Asperger's Syndrome who like kinky sex and South Park and the Simpsons and who are politically conservative). And that you yourself are emotionally healthy enough to attract similarly emotionally healthy women. Or to accept that the women you attract will have baggage of their own, such as insecurity.

To rail against these things as being unfair is to make the choice of having no relationship: a choice that many have made.



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11 Feb 2010, 6:52 pm

Janissy wrote:
You are not who I was thinking of when I wrote that. In fact you have repeatedly shown that you actually do see women as just being other people.

Oh, sorry... I guess I did what I do best: taking things a bit more personally than i'm supposed to. It's just that when therange starts saying "stop complaining", i keep wondering if hes talking about me or someone else...

Quote:
I think a part of your relationship woes are actually demographic. You are hunkered down in a situation where you are unlikely to meet single women in your age group. The only way out of that is to get into a different demographic situation (by which I mean, volunteering somewhere other than a church populated mostly by children and couples). I understand that it's a safety zone, but it's a safety zone with not much romantic prospect.
Well, I'm trying that out... I joined a community choir a few weeks ago. It's mostly got older people, but there are a few younger ladies in there. Only time will tell though because a few weeks isn't enough for me to build up any attraction at all...



therange
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11 Feb 2010, 7:56 pm

Toad, this thread is directed at all of the "I'm desperate for a girlfriend" posts. You've been doing a good job the past few weeks of not repeating yourself.

And TimTex...I'm not saying to date the first thing that gives you the time of day...but your standards are unrealistic. Even if this contradictory Aspie religious woman that loves South Park and dirty sexual favors existed, what do you personally have to offer her?



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11 Feb 2010, 10:57 pm

therange wrote:
Toad, this thread is directed at all of the "I'm desperate for a girlfriend" posts. You've been doing a good job the past few weeks of not repeating yourself.


Well, I'm trying... that said, the release of Mass Effect 2 kept me off the forums for a while, but now that i've done a bunch of playthroughs im done with that lol



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12 Feb 2010, 1:53 am

Now that I think of it, maybe its a social/fitting in thing for me. Maybe a part of my brain notes that almost everyone else has a girlfriend, and figures that I will never, ever truly fit in until I get a girlfriend and/or lose my virginity. That, and I'm curious to see what actual sex i like. The fact that I'm still a virgin kinda makes me feel like a failure sometimes, though that may be a very illogical way of thinking.



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12 Feb 2010, 2:49 am

If NTs had to go through what we do. If the raw depression doesn't destroy them then being love sick will, especially the NT woman,if soap operas are to go by.

The kind of wisdom that young NTs have are greater then the old, who suffer from more loneliness. Young NTs are so strong and wise that they can even hold down the burden of alcohol, that dog 1/4 of all UK relationships, but still carry on.



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12 Feb 2010, 7:24 am

therange wrote:
What exactly is it that a woman would solve in your life? If you're socially inept, aren't very interesting (to the NT crowd, i.e. the women you want) and are untreated for depression, what exactly is a woman going to do to make things better? If anything, she'll judge you more than your worst enemy, and dump you sooner than later.

What I'm saying is, all of the guys on here who complain about not having a girlfriend are breaking the number one dating rule...neediness. Women will sense that you'll do anything to impress or keep her, and she'll be scared off and leave. So basically, you're just wasting time thinking about getting a girlfriend. You can take the route some guys take on here and get an internet girlfriend and maybe meet up with her...if she doesn't live close, take a plane or train and meet her and maybe she'll like you for your current depressed self, but really, women want guys who are interesting and aren't negative and have a bad opinion of the opposite sex. Women want guys who can carry a conversation and have interests other than video games and science fiction.

My point being that you're wasting precious time hating the opposite sex and the world instead of improving your life.



Be a sex slave?



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12 Feb 2010, 7:55 am

Proudmumof2 wrote:
:x I think you're a tool!
To use an expression, "GET A GRIP" of reality. Aspies seek affection, companionship and support the same as any NT would. Like I said, they just do it differently!
Next time you post, think about it first!


This is spot on. *applauds*


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12 Feb 2010, 10:07 am

You know that's a good question. I like being on my own and I have lived a life of complete solitude. So in many ways; having a girlfriend would be completely unsuitable for me. Nevertheless, everything has strengths and weaknesses. The only reason I'd want a girlfriend is because being by myself gets boring after a while and if I can find someone who shares my interests then it could make all the difference. Still, I realize those odds aren't in my favor so I feel my chances are low of that happening for now. Plus I do have a sex drive as much as I don't care to admit it and I need to see what sex is like sooner or later.


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12 Feb 2010, 2:32 pm

therange wrote:
What exactly is it that a woman would solve in your life? If you're socially inept, aren't very interesting (to the NT crowd, i.e. the women you want) and are untreated for depression, what exactly is a woman going to do to make things better? If anything, she'll judge you more than your worst enemy, and dump you sooner than later.
.


You only see the surface level logic. The truth is I do not believe it is possible for an aspie to be happy without anyone. How is it possible to pass the "I am happy being alone" gene unless they start a family with kids to pass on those traits.

Most single especially the long term once have to pretend they are happier then they really are, including pretending they are happy alone.



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12 Feb 2010, 2:57 pm

Aspie_Chav wrote:
therange wrote:
What exactly is it that a woman would solve in your life? If you're socially inept, aren't very interesting (to the NT crowd, i.e. the women you want) and are untreated for depression, what exactly is a woman going to do to make things better? If anything, she'll judge you more than your worst enemy, and dump you sooner than later.
.


You only see the surface level logic. The truth is I do not believe it is possible for an aspie to be happy without anyone. How is it possible to pass the "I am happy being alone" gene unless they start a family with kids to pass on those traits.

Most single especially the long term once have to pretend they are happier then they really are, including pretending they are happy alone.


<raises hand> I was living alone for 4 years and frankly, that began my descent into depression (without knowing it) seeing as how i had a crappy job and did what i could to keep some level of noise in my apartment (playing comp + listening to a movie in the background). I'll admit to not being happy (course these days i tend to think that happiness is based on the level of misery you're comfortable living with . . . yes, im a pessimist/realist), but at the same time i know how difficult it is to find a good complement to your life. Its that difficulty that has a lot of us consigning ourselves to the genetic scrapyard (especially given the social aspect). But what can you do . . . Ive been of the mind lately that trying is good and all, but at what point do you just give up because its a strain on your mentality, resources, and patience? Ive officially tried to date 4 times, but none of them were long term, and admittedly i had no idea what reason would drive me to it other than the fact it seemed like a trend i had to follow (hormones/urges again). Its probably going to be one of those things that will evade my/a lot of our logic/understanding til the end of our days. For those that have found that complement, good on you . . . for those that havent, i wish i knew what to say :? .