Inside the mind of a "bully."

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therange
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25 Mar 2010, 12:02 am

I was told by the moderator that people have been complaining about my way of handling things. I realized that I haven't talked a lot about myself on this board. I've made a few posts telling about how bad things were in my life at one point, and I've talked about how I dated a pretty, smart, cool girl last year and I learned a lot, but I haven't explained when I'm saying something on here, where it's coming from and why I'm saying it.

Different subjects warrant different advice. If someone comes on here and is having a tough time at work, "toughen up" might not be the answer. But if you talk to anyone, male or female, about relationships and the dating game, they'll tell you, only the strong survive. This isn't my opinion, it's a well-regarded fact.

The reason a lot of NTs are far ahead in the dating game is because of how they're able to process things and cope with things. It does no good, at all, for someone to come on here and say "I'm 18 and have never had a girlfriend" and then for people to tell him "Don't worry, you'll have one someday." There's a reason (unless the guy is just totally picky and rejected women's advances due to lack of interest) that a guy is 18 and never had a girlfriend. It's likely because there are other social problems that need to be corrected first.

The same way a lot of guys put a lot of stock into a woman's physical appearance, women put stalk into a guy's personality and social skills. And even if said guy got a girlfriend, he would turn her off sooner than later, and then be arguably worse off than before because most women won't tell you where you screwed up.

I've been told not to address anyone by name...but there's a guy on here who used to consider himself "unlovable"...and because of the triple threat of Hope and Sound's great advice and soft touch with my shoot from the hip approach, he's making progress. He once called me a "bully"...then he said "I can tell you're trying to help me."

If the three of us hadn't been on this site (as well as others, I don't want to exclude anyone that gave similar advice or were helpful to him) who knows if he would have decided to take the proper steps.

So when Aspie guys with poor social skills come on here with the same problem...a reality check is the only thing that is going to speed up the growth process. They might mad at first for hearing things so harshly, but the comforting without advice isn't going to help him long-term.

And when a guy comes on here and brags about having a girlfriend on the internet that he's never met in person and people say "Great job" and me and a few others suggest that he look in real life, it isn't being mean or raining on anyone's parade. If the poster came on here and had a picture of him and his girlfriend together, even if the intention was to brag, I'd be the first one to say "Congrats. You're a nice couple." It does no good for him to be told that everything is ok. Guys like him are the same ones that will be on here when they're 50 complaining that they don't have a real life girlfriend.

As for a poster with a high post count I've offended, I've been told by my friends on the site, even though they agree with me, to back off, because he's not going to leave, and it isn't going to wake him up and gave him a reality check. It's up to me to just resist the urge to shoot from the hip with him.

I come on the love and dating board in particular because I want to read about the high functioning Aspies that have taken the next step and want to get better or have gotten better, and how their dating life has progressed as a result. I understand that there are going to be a lot of young men who are deeply frustrated and hate the opposite sex for not making things easy for them or in some cases outright ignoring them or using them or belitting them, but the more success stories on here, the more likely those guys will think "I can do it too."

I also realize that what works for one person won't work for everyone, but dating and relationships are something where only real life experience will help. It's not something you can read a book about. There are certain things you need to know, but after that, it's a matter of applying them and then learning even more things.

For the guys that just want a girlfriend without doing work or making improvements in their life of any kind, you will get a girlfriend or wife eventually, it just won't happen as soon as you want it to and won't likely be the girl of your dreams.

I will close by saying that other than two members on this site (don't worry Toad you aren't one of them) I love the site. Unfortunately for me one of those members posts in every thread on the site, and it's my job to utilize the ignore button, no matter how inconvenient it may be.



Last edited by therange on 25 Mar 2010, 1:32 am, edited 1 time in total.

MountZion
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25 Mar 2010, 1:14 am

Hey, for what it's worth, I agree with most of the advice you have posted, it may be harsh at times, but sometimes it needs to be.



League_Girl
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25 Mar 2010, 1:23 am

I also feel I can't be myself on here because anything can be seen as a personal attack and I am afraid someone will go crying to the mods over my opinion or point of view. Then I am given a warning. I wish I could speak more freely and not walk on eggshells. I feel I am always taking chances when I speak my mind. I made it to 10,000 posts without a ban which was surprising because people always get banned from here for their opinions because people felt provoked by them or kept crying to the mods about them. :roll:
Yeah you were harsh and I thought you could tone it down a little.


LG who took her chance again making this post.



therange
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25 Mar 2010, 1:26 am

People in general, not just people with Aspergers, sometimes only hear what they want to hear or they don't understand something unless it's explained in full detail, and sometimes to do that you have to be harsh.

For example, that guy that came on here and was casually talking to a girl from high school on facebook and then sent her an email saying how he always admired her for being beautiful and smart, and that he realizes there's a good chance of rejection but that's it worth the try because she's so special...he told me I was being unreasonable...but the fact is...he needs to correct his behavior. First, you don't ask out a girl out on facebook that you barely know and isn't showing obvious strong interest. Chances are, she's just talking to talk to you. Second, you don't give a girl you barely know compliments that they hear all the time...and you don't tell a girl that you think there's a good chance you'll be rejected.

I admit that sometimes I get a little carried away and let certain posters get to me and then end up insulting them, but there are a few posters on here who give similar advice, so everyone should be able tell that the overall message is legit.

The other thing is, women will see right through the "I'm bitter that I haven't got girls" act. It's better to actually know the information and lose that attitude and prevent it from happening in the first place, and learn basic communication skills concerning women that you can easily apply online or in real life.



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25 Mar 2010, 1:59 am

therange wrote:
The other thing is, women will see right through the "I'm bitter that I haven't got girls" act. It's better to actually know the information and lose that attitude and prevent it from happening in the first place, and learn basic communication skills concerning women that you can easily apply online or in real life.


Oh yes...the bitterness about previous women routine is just about the greatest turnoff in the world...or maybe the third greatest turnoff, shortly behind terrible hygiene and having three extra heads.



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25 Mar 2010, 2:16 am

If a mod approached you about behavior, then I'm not sure this threads purpose is helping your case... :lol:

That said, I appreciate your ideas, even if I think your 'signal' could occasionally use attenuation! It was a guy like you who did much to knock some sense into me a couple years ago. I may not have grown much if not for that 'less filtered' approach. Your particular voice and direction is very important. So I agree with much of what you're saying ITT, even if you could sometimes use a chill pill.

I can see that this site in general is meant to be a pleasant place, that we all want a tone that's reliably different from what we might get on a bad day. Makes it a tough balancing act when we're talkin about ugly realities and playin good cop/bad cop. :?

Beyond that... Thick skins for the win! A valuable thing that you teach, in a sideways manner, particularly if people can see the intention behind your occasional vitriol.



therange
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25 Mar 2010, 2:18 am

You never told me what it's like in Seattle. I've always wanted to vacation there, but especially after watching Frasier lol.



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25 Mar 2010, 2:32 am

[OT]
Never seen it. How's it portrayed?

I like it... Very progressive, tons and tons of smart people, lots of tech & media, socially pro-active, very diverse and integrated, variety and flavor of cultures is off-the-charts, it's green, flanked by beautiful Lake Washington and Puget Sound, lots of hills, winters aren't very cold, summers aren't very hot, Mount Rainier majestic in the distance, the smell of the water-front.... The Emerald Goddamn City!! !

I just wish it's night life scene were allowed to be more vibrant. The conservative minority somehow manages to pass absurd stuff to kill off the night life. Local politics is pretty polarized, locked up. Also, the homeless population is huge. Traffic is one of the worst in the nation. Parking is impossible. University of Washington Tuition is insane. And I've been told that people here are very reserved, not as warm, friendly, approachable as other places(hard to tell, and some dispute that).

But, an incredible place.... Besides wanting to see more places, I have little reason to want to live elsewhere.

[/OT]



therange
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25 Mar 2010, 2:53 am

Sound wrote:
[OT]
Never seen it. How's it portrayed?

[/OT]


I sent you a brief private message.



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25 Mar 2010, 4:05 am

I don't have a problem with how I react to "tough love"
or "harsh advice". It appears that it is always someone
other than myself who does. I react how I react,
and that is that.


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alana
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25 Mar 2010, 4:33 am

I think you can share your experience but 'tough love' is a weird term because it suggests there is love there and that's a bit deep for a website.



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25 Mar 2010, 4:47 am

Perhaps an overstatement, then, but there's at least some form of concern. And more importantly, a desire to help.



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25 Mar 2010, 10:42 am

Quote:
I've been told not to address anyone by name...but there's a guy on here who used to consider himself "unlovable"...and because of the triple threat of Hope and Sound's great advice and soft touch with my shoot from the hip approach, he's making progress. He once called me a "bully"...then he said "I can tell you're trying to help me."


It doesn't take an idiot to tell that you're talking about me here...

I still think you're a bully... :P And it was Hope's "list" thing (we're continuing that over PM now as to not annoy anybody else with it) and some Sound advice (lol, bad pun) that helped me far more than anything you said...

And you took my little quote out of context: while I recognize that you were/are trying to help me out here, your apparently willing abrasiveness in approaching the situation isn't helping (as opposed to the more ingratiating approaches of hope and sound, which have helped). So, good for you for at least trying, but don't take credit when it is not due...

PS: for the record, I never complained about you to the mods, only to your face, so you must be talking about some of the other people around here when you talk about that. You can try your biting approach on me all you'd like... just don't expect me to sit there and not bite back...



therange
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25 Mar 2010, 12:22 pm

Toad, you are (or were) making progress. I personally don't care whether or not you give me credit. I just hope you're more mature than others on this site.



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25 Mar 2010, 1:32 pm

therange wrote:
Toad, you are (or were) making progress. I personally don't care whether or not you give me credit. I just hope you're more mature than others on this site.


Toad is definitely making progress. In fact he's made a ton of progress in the last several weeks, and I think he's going to keep making progress.

Toad, Range has said many times that you remind him of himself, and I think that's been a big motivator for his continued feedback to you. I think he's gotten frustrated at times, because it can be difficult to let others proceed at their own pace - particularly when you have a high level of confidence in the advice you've given (cause you've seen it work in your own life). That said, Range's tone has at times conveyed that frustration - and I think you've shown a high degree of tolerance in that area. But keep in mind that Range has been consistently willing to hang in with you and give you feedback - and that says something very positive about him. All in all, I think you two may be approaching detente - which is a good thing for both of you....I believe all kinds of progress is being made. 8)


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25 Mar 2010, 4:17 pm

League_Girl wrote:
I also feel I can't be myself on here because anything can be seen as a personal attack and I am afraid someone will go crying to the mods over my opinion or point of view. Then I am given a warning. I wish I could speak more freely and not walk on eggshells. I feel I am always taking chances when I speak my mind. I made it to 10,000 posts without a ban which was surprising because people always get banned from here for their opinions because people felt provoked by them or kept crying to the mods about them. :roll:
Yeah you were harsh and I thought you could tone it down a little.


LG who took her chance again making this post.


This applied somewhat more to me than the Original Post.

I often wonder after posting somthing whether I should change it or else risk being reported. Of course, that's not to say that I wouldn't just make a new account when banned, but I've been worried about just WHAT will offend people lately.

In the case of the original post, I agree and you make good points, but it doesn't apply to me as I don't want a relationship.