NT In need of some different perspectives!

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Jewlie35
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07 Sep 2010, 9:21 am

Hello all,

I have joined this forum to share my experiences and hopefully get to hear the experiences of others who have aspergers or have someone near and dear to them with aspergers. I believe that by sharing our stories we can support each other and expand our knowledge I have a new partner who has Aspergers. I love to spend time with him, especially when it's just the two of us as we are very close on many levels. He is very supportive and caring towards me. The thing I struggle with is Society's reactions and judgments of someone who at times obviously differs from the norm. And as much as it shames me to admit it, at times I get influenced by these reactions and judgmental attitudes and I can feel very uncomfortable and this influences my feelings towards him.

He tells me often that he has been discriminated against time and time again in the past and I believe that there is truth in this. I do wonder though whether his straight talking, strong and questioning personality can put peoples back out and they then become defensive and arguementitive towards him, which he then see as discrimination due to his sensitivity.

Also he is a biophysicist and is struggling to find work due to lack of funding in that area. He has become really frustrated with this and the fact that certain faculty members or admininistrators have told him that after he is no longer a student at the Uni it is no longer up to them to offer him support to find funding etc. He has been very outspoken and rude to them about this. I have tried to advice him that being rude isnt productive but he tells me when one has been discriminated against, not felt supported and not understood it's hard not to lash out. He is an outspoken person anyway as I mentioned before and this can both productive when he uses his clear thinking factual/scientific head to write letters to council or the government to try and make the world a better place :wink: , but when used in the wrong context and in a forceful way it can get him into really hot water.

I understand his challenges but get frustrated that he wont look for work in other arenas, although I do understand that the areas he could work in are very restricted due to his specialised training and discomfort and challenges in social arenas. He hasn't worked for a few years and this is worrying especially as we have been speaking about living together soon and at some point having children. He also has been writing a script for a film ( it's actually really good- I'm not biased or anything!) and says that's his way of working. I say that that wont generate any income for a good few years! I'm quite happy being the provider but I think it's more about him taking some responsibility.


Has anyone had any similiar experiences or could someone give me another perspective on all this?

Sorry for making this post sooooo lonnnnng!

Thanks,

Julie



mightyzebra
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07 Sep 2010, 9:30 am

Jewlie35 wrote:
Hello all,

I have joined this forum to share my experiences and hopefully get to hear the experiences of others who have aspergers or have someone near and dear to them with aspergers. I believe that by sharing our stories we can support each other and expand our knowledge I have a new partner who has Aspergers. I love to spend time with him, especially when it's just the two of us as we are very close on many levels. He is very supportive and caring towards me. The thing I struggle with is Society's reactions and judgments of someone who at times obviously differs from the norm. And as much as it shames me to admit it, at times I get influenced by these reactions and judgmental attitudes and I can feel very uncomfortable and this influences my feelings towards him.

He tells me often that he has been discriminated against time and time again in the past and I believe that there is truth in this. I do wonder though whether his straight talking, strong and questioning personality can put peoples back out and they then become defensive and arguementitive towards him, which he then see as discrimination due to his sensitivity.

Also he is a biophysicist and is struggling to find work due to lack of funding in that area. He has become really frustrated with this and the fact that certain faculty members or admininistrators have told him that after he is no longer a student at the Uni it is no longer up to them to offer him support to find funding etc. He has been very outspoken and rude to them about this. I have tried to advice him that being rude isnt productive but he tells me when one has been discriminated against, not felt supported and not understood it's hard not to lash out. He is an outspoken person anyway as I mentioned before and this can both productive when he uses his clear thinking factual/scientific head to write letters to council or the government to try and make the world a better place :wink: , but when used in the wrong context and in a forceful way it can get him into really hot water.

I understand his challenges but get frustrated that he wont look for work in other arenas, although I do understand that the areas he could work in are very restricted due to his specialised training and discomfort and challenges in social arenas. He hasn't worked for a few years and this is worrying especially as we have been speaking about living together soon and at some point having children. He also has been writing a script for a film ( it's actually really good- I'm not biased or anything!) and says that's his way of working. I say that that wont generate any income for a good few years! I'm quite happy being the provider but I think it's more about him taking some responsibility.


Has anyone had any similiar experiences or could someone give me another perspective on all this?

Sorry for making this post sooooo lonnnnng!

Thanks,

Julie


I'm glad that you are enjoying your relationship with your new partner and that you've tried to do your best for him in life. :) If I were you, if you wanted him to get a job, is research as much as possible all the local places which would take him and if there is a job placement for him at any of them, explain to employers that he has Asperger's Syndrome and that he may have trouble in a working environment but is very good at his subject (if he is indeed good at biophyics). If he is undable to earn much money, then try to earn as much as you can for him unless he finds a higher paying job.

It does seem from what you've written that you're in a pretty difficult situation and I admire you for helping your partner as much as you say you have. My advice may not help as I've never had a job, so I have a very vague idea of what to tell you. If I were you I'd ask about the job in a different forum as people who are talking or know about jobs might be able to give you a more worthy opinion. Regards, Mightyzebra.


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BTDT
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07 Sep 2010, 11:23 am

I was a top science student but wisely chose engineering due to the relative availability of jobs. Its not just him--we just don't fund science in the USA the way we should--so there aren't many jobs in the sciences.

Maybe he could find a job at a big pharmaceutical company? One "secret" is that engineering ads are often written for folks already in line for jobs--but the ads need to be written for foreigners to get their visas. But, if he is relatively young, he might be hired for his potential creativity, just like athletes get drafted based on potential.



lelia
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07 Sep 2010, 11:25 am

Before you have children, you need to think about whether or not you can live with him unemployed and the way he is for the rest of your life. He is not likely to change with all of your good advice.



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07 Sep 2010, 1:32 pm

You're walking the knife's edge here between what an Aspie can change and what an Aspie cannot change in terms of his/her behavior. There are Aspies who will adamantly tell you that almost any change is impossible, and there are Aspies who will recount the changes they've made for a partner. I don't know where the line between possible and impossible is. Willingness to accept and incorporate a different perspective into one's own certainly makes a difference, but I really don't know the rest of the equation.

I think the immediate issue here is whether he considers his unemployment a problem to be solved or not, and whether your perspective on the matter is something he's willing to consider.

I've known many Aspies who engage in "all or nothing" kind of thinking....they want it (whatever "it" is) the way they want it, or they're done. It seems like your bf falls into this category. Clearly, he'd work if he could find the work he wants, but since he can't find the work he wants, he's not going to work. (Seems like another example of "all or nothing" thinking is his refusal to change his abrasive attitude/conduct toward the people who could help him find employment. While I agree it's difficult not to lash out when one feels treatment has been unfair, it's something that we all learn to do - or suffer the consequences when we don't.)

So....he could learn to appropriate his behavior toward people who could help him find work. He could consider teaching in his chosen field, he could consider changing fields, etc. He has options. It all kinda goes back to whether he considers his unemployment a problem to be solved. You can tell him, very plainly, that you aren't content to shoulder the financial burden of any family you might have with him by yourself. You can tell him that you expect anyone you'd consider as partner/husband material has to share the load. You can tell him most people don't really love their jobs; most people work for the money.

So prepare your best arguments, and have a discussion with him. And then really listen to his response. If he's unmoved by what you've said, you need to understand that to see him as a life partner, you're going to have to accept that you'll be supporting him for the rest of your lives. You'll also learn a lot more about how flexible he can be, his consideration of your needs, his ability and willingness to function as part of a team, etc. If what you learn is not okay with you, end the relationship. I know that sounds harsh, but the Aspies I've heard from who are in successful relationships typically talk about compromise and a willingness to grow and change as the key success factors. If he's not willing to incorporate your goals into his own, he's not the one for you - and you'll end up filled with resentment toward him.


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