If being in a relationship too much for most aspies?

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Alla
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28 Dec 2010, 12:21 pm

Are most aspies even suited for being in a relationship? I ask because every time I have been in one, I was dissapointed and it brought more problems to me than it should have.
I seem to have my stuff together (am a doctoral student and a successful researcher) and most of the guys I know, even the nice & successful ones, don't have it together. They seem to have lots of problems such as low self-esteem, confusion about sexuality, alcohlism, depression, family drama, etc and these things take up most of their time. It seems that they always lean on me for support and I feel emotionally and physically drained after a while.
If relationships are supposed to be like this, then I would rather not be in one.
Do other aspies feel the same way?



mv
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28 Dec 2010, 12:38 pm

Alla wrote:
Are most aspies even suited for being in a relationship? I ask because every time I have been in one, I was dissapointed and it brought more problems to me than it should have.
I seem to have my stuff together (am a doctoral student and a successful researcher) and most of the guys I know, even the nice & successful ones, don't have it together. They seem to have lots of problems such as low self-esteem, confusion about sexuality, alcohlism, depression, family drama, etc and these things take up most of their time. It seems that they always lean on me for support and I feel emotionally and physically drained after a while.
If relationships are supposed to be like this, then I would rather not be in one.
Do other aspies feel the same way?


I feel this way, but I see it as my problem.



Asp-Z
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28 Dec 2010, 1:07 pm

Alla wrote:
Are most aspies even suited for being in a relationship? I ask because every time I have been in one, I was dissapointed and it brought more problems to me than it should have.
I seem to have my stuff together (am a doctoral student and a successful researcher) and most of the guys I know, even the nice & successful ones, don't have it together. They seem to have lots of problems such as low self-esteem, confusion about sexuality, alcohlism, depression, family drama, etc and these things take up most of their time. It seems that they always lean on me for support and I feel emotionally and physically drained after a while.
If relationships are supposed to be like this, then I would rather not be in one.
Do other aspies feel the same way?


Most Aspies are just fine, honestly.



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28 Dec 2010, 1:16 pm

i often feel guilty because i think i weigh more heavily on my husband than he does on me. i sometimes feel like he has to take on a bit of a caregiver role. but... i have talked to him about it, and he disagrees with me as he thinks he can be a burden as well.

perhaps when you find the right person, then their problems and issues don't seem so heavy to you, and it seems like so much less of a bother to support them.


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Densaugeo
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28 Dec 2010, 1:27 pm

It may be that your easy to talk to about these things, so you hear more of them than most people.

Not sure of a good way to change this without being an ass, but it would great if you could figure why people bring their problems to you.

If a particular person is very taxing, you may be able to discourage moping under the guise of trying to cheer them up.



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28 Dec 2010, 2:28 pm

Yes I do. I also hate real life drama. So I just shut it out and ignore it and don't get involved. Luckily my husband doesn't have any drama in his life. All I know is my sister in law's ex is in prison and he was a jerk and then he dumped her which was a good thing for her. He did lot of stuff that was wrong and my own niece disowns him after hearing bad stories about him through her grandfather (my dad in law).

I am sure there are lot of people out there who wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who is going through drama or has drama in their life because they are afraid it might effect them and their relationship.


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menintights
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28 Dec 2010, 3:52 pm

Alla wrote:
Do other aspies feel the same way?


Yes, I think people need to get their act together before they bother looking for a relationship. Even the ones who seem fine on the surface aren't always fine--they often have issues they either are not handling well or don't seem to realize exist. :?

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Not sure of a good way to change this without being an ass, but it would great if you could figure why people bring their problems to you.


Sometimes a male would bring his problem to a female because he's too embarrassed to talk about it with his male friends and/or because he assumes a female friend is a great listener who would do anything in her power to make him feel better (which seems true in OP's case). Females tend to be better than males at showing people that they actually care, and knowing that someone cares really DOES make you feel good.

Although of course, when he's in a better place and no longer needs her sympathy the same kind of caring is now referred to as "nagging."



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28 Dec 2010, 3:59 pm

both are true
I freely admit to having problems that would make a relationship very unwise-I am not going to talk about them but I admit they're there



Mojave
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28 Dec 2010, 4:06 pm

Alla wrote:
Are most aspies even suited for being in a relationship? I ask because every time I have been in one, I was dissapointed and it brought more problems to me than it should have.
I seem to have my stuff together (am a doctoral student and a successful researcher) and most of the guys I know, even the nice & successful ones, don't have it together. They seem to have lots of problems such as low self-esteem, confusion about sexuality, alcohlism, depression, family drama, etc and these things take up most of their time. It seems that they always lean on me for support and I feel emotionally and physically drained after a while.
If relationships are supposed to be like this, then I would rather not be in one.
Do other aspies feel the same way?


I don't want to generalize but I think on average Aspies, especially male Aspies, are not suited for any relationship unfortunately.



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28 Dec 2010, 4:08 pm

Mojave wrote:
Alla wrote:
Are most aspies even suited for being in a relationship? I ask because every time I have been in one, I was dissapointed and it brought more problems to me than it should have.
I seem to have my stuff together (am a doctoral student and a successful researcher) and most of the guys I know, even the nice & successful ones, don't have it together. They seem to have lots of problems such as low self-esteem, confusion about sexuality, alcohlism, depression, family drama, etc and these things take up most of their time. It seems that they always lean on me for support and I feel emotionally and physically drained after a while.
If relationships are supposed to be like this, then I would rather not be in one.
Do other aspies feel the same way?


I don't want to generalize but I think on average Aspies, especially male Aspies, are not suited for any relationship unfortunately.


this forum really makes it seem that way don't it



mellisamouse
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28 Dec 2010, 4:09 pm

for me, I can't handle instability....

Either we are together, or we are not....

I find too many times in a relationship, that people let others influence them, instead of following their own heart, and so after a while people will see you through the eyes of others's jealouse comments, or insecurities, instead of seeing you as you really are....

this is when I take my leave.

It is one thing to get to know a person one on one.... but when others get involved, if I can't be taken at face value... I can't be taken.

I don't want to be dealing with all the crap other people say to manipulate people into not liking their byfriend/girlfriend anymore.

It disgusts me.

Until i can find someone intelligent enough to disregard the manipulations of theose outside of the relationship, I won't be letting my heart go.



DeathGoth
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28 Dec 2010, 4:10 pm

Mojave wrote:
I don't want to generalize but I think on average Aspies, especially male Aspies, are not suited for any relationship unfortunately.


I don't know I think if some relationships came with a rulebook I think we would do exceptionally well in one.. But they don't so. I suppose you are right..

I heard a dom/sub relationship is good, although i have never tried it myself. But I donno..



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28 Dec 2010, 4:13 pm

DeathGoth wrote:
Mojave wrote:
I don't want to generalize but I think on average Aspies, especially male Aspies, are not suited for any relationship unfortunately.


I don't know I think if some relationships came with a rulebook I think we would do exceptionally well in one.. But they don't so. I suppose you are right..

I heard a dom/sub relationship is good, although i have never tried it myself. But I donno..


that will never happen



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28 Dec 2010, 4:15 pm

Alla wrote:
Are most aspies even suited for being in a relationship? I ask because every time I have been in one, I was dissapointed and it brought more problems to me than it should have.
I seem to have my stuff together (am a doctoral student and a successful researcher) and most of the guys I know, even the nice & successful ones, don't have it together. They seem to have lots of problems such as low self-esteem, confusion about sexuality, alcohlism, depression, family drama, etc and these things take up most of their time. It seems that they always lean on me for support and I feel emotionally and physically drained after a while.
If relationships are supposed to be like this, then I would rather not be in one.
Do other aspies feel the same way?

All relationships are unique. NT's and aspies are very different in a lot of ways that would conflict with a long term relationship, but it is ALWAYS case by case. I think most women I couldn't have a relationship with long term, but I'm sure there are many that I could. Will I ever enter a relationship with a women who is well suited to me? Maybe eventually, I won't know until it happens.



ksuther09
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28 Dec 2010, 7:42 pm

If the drama is getting in the way of your research, your research should DEFINITELY WIN! <-- that said from another former grad student :D

Let me say though, that having dealt with a relative who leans on me almost a little too much for advice, I can say, "Ouch" on your behalf. I think maybe one reason guys might lean on you for emotional support is your ability to think logically through situations. That's why my mother began asking me for advice when she realized I could reason my way through social situations as I learned social rules. Personally, I would tell you that you're a doctoral student, you have a lot on your plate, and you need a MAN who has the emotional competence to support you as you do your dissertation and go for faculty positions. I have carried another person's emotional burdens through part of grad school, and it led to several breakdowns.

For myself, before I learned that I was on the autism spectrum, I wanted to be married to check off another developmental milestone that I felt like I had to complete in order to feel whole. Yet I would see my friends get boyfriends & get engaged and I would think, "Oh my goodness, I have a degree in human development and family studies, and for some reason I still don't think I could pull off what they pull off." Knowing that I'm on the spectrum made me not strive so much to be like 'other people' since I will never truly be like them. In fact, it's freed me to realize that it's ok to pursue a career and versus a career AND marriage. By the way, there are probably many professors and researchers who never married and have amazing lives.

Best wishes in grad school and life!



Alla
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29 Dec 2010, 9:06 am

ksuther09 wrote:
If the drama is getting in the way of your research, your research should DEFINITELY WIN! <-- that said from another former grad student :D

Let me say though, that having dealt with a relative who leans on me almost a little too much for advice, I can say, "Ouch" on your behalf. I think maybe one reason guys might lean on you for emotional support is your ability to think logically through situations. That's why my mother began asking me for advice when she realized I could reason my way through social situations as I learned social rules. Personally, I would tell you that you're a doctoral student, you have a lot on your plate, and you need a MAN who has the emotional competence to support you as you do your dissertation and go for faculty positions. I have carried another person's emotional burdens through part of grad school, and it led to several breakdowns.

Best wishes in grad school and life!


Thanks for your sweet words, ksuther09. I think you hit the nail on the head when you stated that I can think logically about situations and that's why guys seek my support. Women do too, but they usually find me too analytical and not emotional enough. Females believe that all other females should think and act emotionally like the vast majority of women.
I think that's why men like me so much....because I can relate to the, and give them sound advice. It does get draining when others just dump ther problems on you and expect you to be the strong one all the time.:(