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StarSplit
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18 Aug 2011, 1:56 am

Maybe someone else can sort this out, because honestly, I'm baffled.

Here's the situation: I start out being friends with a guy, think we're just friends, and then realize that he might be trying to date me. I'm the type of girl who, while I'm not a tomboy, I'm usually friends with guys because to me they're a lot easier to be friends with than other girls.

I tend to attract guys, I'm noticing, who are very emotionally driven (I'm not), socially smart (I'm not) tend to go off the 'feeling' of the situation, rely heavily on subtext, and don't actually say what they're thinking because they're too afraid of rejection. I'm very logical and I'm not good at showing my emotions. I've heard the whole 'opposites attract' thing so many times, and while they like me for God knows what reason, I'm not attracted to this type at all. However, they plow right ahead and buzz around me like annoying little mosquitoes, as my best friend put it (not that this happens all the time; I just love that mental image). It's like the fact that I'm so different from them fascinates them on a surface level, and because I'm not rude and mean, they might get the wrong impression. Or they just don't know how to read me altogether. Yet they still hang around.

Currently I can't tell if a new friend of mine is simply trying to be a friend or if he's trying to date me. He asks me to hang out or go somewhere with him 3-4 times a week; he tries to talk to me on IM every day (sometimes as many as 3 times a day) and texts me compulsively when he's at work. Today I said something about wanting to take a walk and he started making plans to go with me. He'd have to drive 30+ minutes and risk being late for work after that if he did come, btw. Because it was a chance for us to spend time together, he said. (Whereas I was thinking that I'd love to spend some time APART.)

We just met a few months ago and it's been getting worse since then. He's a nice guy, but no one's THAT nice, are they?

The sad part is, we are not in junior high. We are both 24. I'm getting to the point where I want to just straight out ask him wtf he's doing, but I get the feeling that I might damage our friendship by doing so. I'm considering having my best friend (who knows him) say something to him so it's not coming from me, but what?? Seriously, this has happened to me with several male friends, and I've always ended up calling them out on their "strange and ambiguous behavior" (hehe) because I'm so confused by it. I don't want to potentially screw something up again.

Any comments would be appreciated. Does anyone else - particularly girls - have this "problem" with guy friends or is it just me?



Artros
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18 Aug 2011, 3:09 am

I would let it go through your friend. If you don't want to destroy the friendship, it probably shouldn't come from you because that would be embarrassing.

I'll be honest and say that I've probably behaved like that myself from time to time. I'm not particularly proud of it but I would have been better off if somebody snapped me out of it. I think he fancies you.


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18 Aug 2011, 4:41 am

I definately think he fancies you. Drving for half an hour at short notice just to go for a walk, yep, more than just friendship there.

I also think an enquiry would be best coming from your friend too. That way he won't be so embarassed.

On another note, I wish I could find someone who would show me such attention. I only seem to attract guys that won't talk to me and I find out years later, when they're married, that they liked me and I had no idea.

But I understand your dilema, you want to be friends with him and that's all. Hope it all works out well.



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18 Aug 2011, 5:17 am

This totally sucks.

My advice: Say to your friend that he's behaving strangely and it's putting you off wanting to hang out to him. Your friend can tell him what you said. Or you could say to your friend that you're not into games and he's playing games with you, and it's annoying.

I can't stand guys who try to be your friend in the hopes of something more. In fact it puts me off being friends with guys at all unless they have a GF or I know for a fact they aren't interested. I'm super wary of "nice guys" and avoid them at all costs in terms of friendships.

I hope you can get it across that you like him, but only as a friend.



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18 Aug 2011, 5:53 am

yes he almost certainly fancies you. I agree with hale bopp that you should be wary of nice guys who do not speak their mind. I have been in the position of nice guy as every guy has once or more times, but it was not voluntary. The thing is that men have a hard time being friends with attractive women. Even if i went into a friendship with the purpose of just being a good friend. Unwanted feelings would still pop up. It can be hard to distinquish between romantic and friendly feelings even in a normal situation, if you add to it your intentions to be a friend its even harder. It can take some time to recognize that the feelings have been there for a while. Personally i just back off if i recognize i have feelings that are not going to be resiprocated, pursuing romance disguised as a friend is just nasty and chances for succes are worse.



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18 Aug 2011, 7:31 am

Don't you feel that relationships (romantic) should get their start in a friendship. Just because bells, whistles, and hard-ons aren't happening (or maybe hard-ons are) doesn't mean that love cannot grow. It is true that opposite sexed partners find it confusing and difficult to be "just friends". It would be cruel to even hang on to this guy as "just a friend" because as it looks right now, you can probably NEVER love him. He'll probably keep trying for years and grow old trying to get you to love him. Let him go so he can find a girlfriend - a real girlfriend not just a female friend. If you find it easier to have men friends, then it is better to hang out with gay guys. Their partners don't mind so much as the female partners of your straight male "just friends" would. I'm 50 but I spent my whole young life having male friends because females were so difficult and bitchy. It caused a LOT of problems though - but only with the grilfriends of my straight male friends. It caused a TON of problems with my husband before we were married. He made me drop them all - even the gay ones!! He views gays as SICK. Now I have NO friends just acquaintances through my pre-teen son's school. I'm a very lonely old lady. The only social life I have now is outtings with my son and husband. No friends. Sometime I'm glad I don't have a daughter because just yesterday I went to my son's school orientation and the cattyness of the adult females (moms) and the young girls was AWFUL!! VERY UNFRIENDLY. NO WARMTH. The guys on the other hand tourned the school, talked, shook hands, there's was a sense of belonging that was NON-EXISTENT among the females. What a f'n shame!! You'd think there was a 25 page manifesto of criteria to be accepted into their sh***y groups. The guys just comfortably went with it. My son was just fine. If he were a girl, he'd be in tears.



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18 Aug 2011, 8:33 am

hurtloam wrote:
On another note, I wish I could find someone who would show me such attention. I only seem to attract guys that won't talk to me and I find out years later, when they're married, that they liked me and I had no idea.


Well, that's the obvious problem with men and attraction. They're either so completely in your face about it that it becomes uncomfortable (which is really bad if you're not interested) or they just have no idea how to go on and say completely nothing (which is really bad if you are interested).


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18 Aug 2011, 10:55 am

TB wrote:
yes he almost certainly fancies you. I agree with hale bopp that you should be wary of nice guys who do not speak their mind. I have been in the position of nice guy as every guy has once or more times, but it was not voluntary. The thing is that men have a hard time being friends with attractive women. Even if i went into a friendship with the purpose of just being a good friend. Unwanted feelings would still pop up. It can be hard to distinquish between romantic and friendly feelings even in a normal situation, if you add to it your intentions to be a friend its even harder. It can take some time to recognize that the feelings have been there for a while. Personally i just back off if i recognize i have feelings that are not going to be resiprocated, pursuing romance disguised as a friend is just nasty and chances for succes are worse.


Well, that's respectful of you to step back and I think it's a good example for other men. I think that an overwhelmed woman would appreciate that. And it's very mature of you to realise that it may be best to turn your energies elsewhere rather than make yourself into a nuisance.

But I thought I would add a little point so that single chaps reading this don't feel disheartened. Just in case they're thinking that in this thread we're encouraging single women to be cautious of friendships with single men out of fear the man is after more than friendship and they're thinking, "awh man, what are we meant to do, we can't even be friends with women now." and then start ranting and getting upset.

I don't think it's "nasty" or unkind to begin a friendship with a woman if you feel like she's attractive to you and you want to get to know her better. Being friends first can often lead to more once you get to know each other and it can work out if you both become attracted to each other. However, she may not become attracted to you, so

its also good to have female friends who are just friends.

You can't make someone love you boys. It sometimes happens, but it sometimes doesn't. Goodness knows I know that. I've been a pest before because I was convinced that I could make him love me back, So the cautionary tale here is when you find out she doesn't want a relationship be kind and give her space, don't crowd her in the hope she will change her mind.

Ok I'm rambling again.



StarSplit
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18 Aug 2011, 2:23 pm

Wow, thanks for all the advice. :D I talked to my best friend and she's fine with talking to him, but she hasn't figured out what to say yet.


RightGalaxy wrote:
Don't you feel that relationships (romantic) should get their start in a friendship. Just because bells, whistles, and hard-ons aren't happening (or maybe hard-ons are) doesn't mean that love cannot grow. It is true that opposite sexed partners find it confusing and difficult to be "just friends". It would be cruel to even hang on to this guy as "just a friend" because as it looks right now, you can probably NEVER love him. He'll probably keep trying for years and grow old trying to get you to love him. Let him go so he can find a girlfriend - a real girlfriend not just a female friend. If you find it easier to have men friends, then it is better to hang out with gay guys. Their partners don't mind so much as the female partners of your straight male "just friends" would. I'm 50 but I spent my whole young life having male friends because females were so difficult and bitchy. It caused a LOT of problems though - but only with the grilfriends of my straight male friends. It caused a TON of problems with my husband before we were married. He made me drop them all - even the gay ones!! He views gays as SICK. Now I have NO friends just acquaintances through my pre-teen son's school. I'm a very lonely old lady. The only social life I have now is outtings with my son and husband. No friends. Sometime I'm glad I don't have a daughter because just yesterday I went to my son's school orientation and the cattyness of the adult females (moms) and the young girls was AWFUL!! VERY UNFRIENDLY. NO WARMTH. The guys on the other hand tourned the school, talked, shook hands, there's was a sense of belonging that was NON-EXISTENT among the females. What a f'n shame!! You'd think there was a 25 page manifesto of criteria to be accepted into their sh***y groups. The guys just comfortably went with it. My son was just fine. If he were a girl, he'd be in tears.



I totally know what you mean about the cattiness of women. Cliques never seem to die, do they?

I definitely think it's better for relationships to start with friendship - I wouldn't know how to do it another way. But there are some friends I could date and some I never would. Just because someone appears to be slightly obsessed with me doesn't mean I should date them if I KNOW that I'm not attracted to them in hopes that love would grow. That was pretty much the story of my first relationship (lasted about 5 years) and our friendship grew, but I never loved him in that way, and it ended with both of us resenting each other and now we don't even speak. I'd never put myself or someone else through that again.

The upside is that as far as me being friends with guys is concerned, no one I've dated has minded this. I suppose it's a little different in my generation; both me and my little sister (she's 19) are friends with just as many guys as girls. I think it all depends on the intentions of the people involved and the trust level between you and whomever you're dating. I've had several good male friends (who were straight) who wanted nothing more from me than friendship, and vice versa.

I doubt that this guy would keep trying for years to make me love him. I think he's just a bit infatuated and I don't want to give him the wrong impression or encourage something that isn't there. But if he's interpreting my gestures of friendship as romantic overtures...somehow...that's where we have a problem.



The_Face_of_Boo
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18 Aug 2011, 2:50 pm

I knew once a girl of the mosquito type and she looked like this:

http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb2 ... trict9.jpg



StarSplit
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18 Aug 2011, 6:39 pm

haha, attractive



LimerenceLicorice
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01 Oct 2011, 12:06 am

StarSplit wrote:
Wow, thanks for all the advice. :D I talked to my best friend and she's fine with talking to him, but she hasn't figured out what to say yet.


RightGalaxy wrote:
Don't you feel that relationships (romantic) should get their start in a friendship. Just because bells, whistles, and hard-ons aren't happening (or maybe hard-ons are) doesn't mean that love cannot grow. It is true that opposite sexed partners find it confusing and difficult to be "just friends". It would be cruel to even hang on to this guy as "just a friend" because as it looks right now, you can probably NEVER love him. He'll probably keep trying for years and grow old trying to get you to love him. Let him go so he can find a girlfriend - a real girlfriend not just a female friend. If you find it easier to have men friends, then it is better to hang out with gay guys. Their partners don't mind so much as the female partners of your straight male "just friends" would. I'm 50 but I spent my whole young life having male friends because females were so difficult and bitchy. It caused a LOT of problems though - but only with the grilfriends of my straight male friends. It caused a TON of problems with my husband before we were married. He made me drop them all - even the gay ones!! He views gays as SICK. Now I have NO friends just acquaintances through my pre-teen son's school. I'm a very lonely old lady. The only social life I have now is outtings with my son and husband. No friends. Sometime I'm glad I don't have a daughter because just yesterday I went to my son's school orientation and the cattyness of the adult females (moms) and the young girls was AWFUL!! VERY UNFRIENDLY. NO WARMTH. The guys on the other hand tourned the school, talked, shook hands, there's was a sense of belonging that was NON-EXISTENT among the females. What a f'n shame!! You'd think there was a 25 page manifesto of criteria to be accepted into their sh***y groups. The guys just comfortably went with it. My son was just fine. If he were a girl, he'd be in tears.



I totally know what you mean about the cattiness of women. Cliques never seem to die, do they?

I definitely think it's better for relationships to start with friendship - I wouldn't know how to do it another way. But there are some friends I could date and some I never would. Just because someone appears to be slightly obsessed with me doesn't mean I should date them if I KNOW that I'm not attracted to them in hopes that love would grow. That was pretty much the story of my first relationship (lasted about 5 years) and our friendship grew, but I never loved him in that way, and it ended with both of us resenting each other and now we don't even speak. I'd never put myself or someone else through that again.

The upside is that as far as me being friends with guys is concerned, no one I've dated has minded this. I suppose it's a little different in my generation; both me and my little sister (she's 19) are friends with just as many guys as girls. I think it all depends on the intentions of the people involved and the trust level between you and whomever you're dating. I've had several good male friends (who were straight) who wanted nothing more from me than friendship, and vice versa.

I doubt that this guy would keep trying for years to make me love him. I think he's just a bit infatuated and I don't want to give him the wrong impression or encourage something that isn't there. But if he's interpreting my gestures of friendship as romantic overtures...somehow...that's where we have a problem.


Wow. You sound exactly like me. I mean EXACTLY. Which is odd because I as well usually relate to guys more than girls. Does he have aspergers? I just had this conversation with my friend yesterday actually. I was trying to figure out why I've been coined "the heart breaker" around my school. It's actually made me pretty upset. I couldn't understand what I was doing to give off the impression that I had romantic interest in the "mosquitoes." I was told that most guys are used to attractive women (although I hardly find myself attractive at all, not ugly but not something unique) having attitudes, or being bitchy, and when one is actually nice to them it can translate into a mutual attraction. I guess it comes with the territory of being an aspie girl. Not really having prejudices, etc. I wish I could do something about it. I feel terrible about the hurt I caused completely unintentionally. I really don't want to be a b***h though...



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01 Oct 2011, 2:00 am

Simply being nice gives off the NT signal that you're interested in the person romantically?? U-N-F-A-I-R!! !!

If a woman is very nice to me, and just as nice to everyone else... I'm far from able to conclude she's interested in me romantically. She may not think I'm that attractive, or she might have a boyfriend, or we might have nothing in common, or all three.

I'd rather be a "heartbreaker" to girls who jump to the conclusion that I'm interested in them romantically just because I'm not a complete jackass, than be a jackass. Sounds to me like many of those guys have lost faith in women and assume that they're all "b*****s" by default... those guys deserve to be heartbroken.

That being said I've had nobody actually jump to the conclusion that I'm interested in them romantically...



StarSplit
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01 Oct 2011, 10:54 am

LimerenceLicorice wrote:
StarSplit wrote:
Wow, thanks for all the advice. :D I talked to my best friend and she's fine with talking to him, but she hasn't figured out what to say yet.


RightGalaxy wrote:
Don't you feel that relationships (romantic) should get their start in a friendship. Just because bells, whistles, and hard-ons aren't happening (or maybe hard-ons are) doesn't mean that love cannot grow. It is true that opposite sexed partners find it confusing and difficult to be "just friends". It would be cruel to even hang on to this guy as "just a friend" because as it looks right now, you can probably NEVER love him. He'll probably keep trying for years and grow old trying to get you to love him. Let him go so he can find a girlfriend - a real girlfriend not just a female friend. If you find it easier to have men friends, then it is better to hang out with gay guys. Their partners don't mind so much as the female partners of your straight male "just friends" would. I'm 50 but I spent my whole young life having male friends because females were so difficult and bitchy. It caused a LOT of problems though - but only with the grilfriends of my straight male friends. It caused a TON of problems with my husband before we were married. He made me drop them all - even the gay ones!! He views gays as SICK. Now I have NO friends just acquaintances through my pre-teen son's school. I'm a very lonely old lady. The only social life I have now is outtings with my son and husband. No friends. Sometime I'm glad I don't have a daughter because just yesterday I went to my son's school orientation and the cattyness of the adult females (moms) and the young girls was AWFUL!! VERY UNFRIENDLY. NO WARMTH. The guys on the other hand tourned the school, talked, shook hands, there's was a sense of belonging that was NON-EXISTENT among the females. What a f'n shame!! You'd think there was a 25 page manifesto of criteria to be accepted into their sh***y groups. The guys just comfortably went with it. My son was just fine. If he were a girl, he'd be in tears.



I totally know what you mean about the cattiness of women. Cliques never seem to die, do they?

I definitely think it's better for relationships to start with friendship - I wouldn't know how to do it another way. But there are some friends I could date and some I never would. Just because someone appears to be slightly obsessed with me doesn't mean I should date them if I KNOW that I'm not attracted to them in hopes that love would grow. That was pretty much the story of my first relationship (lasted about 5 years) and our friendship grew, but I never loved him in that way, and it ended with both of us resenting each other and now we don't even speak. I'd never put myself or someone else through that again.

The upside is that as far as me being friends with guys is concerned, no one I've dated has minded this. I suppose it's a little different in my generation; both me and my little sister (she's 19) are friends with just as many guys as girls. I think it all depends on the intentions of the people involved and the trust level between you and whomever you're dating. I've had several good male friends (who were straight) who wanted nothing more from me than friendship, and vice versa.

I doubt that this guy would keep trying for years to make me love him. I think he's just a bit infatuated and I don't want to give him the wrong impression or encourage something that isn't there. But if he's interpreting my gestures of friendship as romantic overtures...somehow...that's where we have a problem.


Wow. You sound exactly like me. I mean EXACTLY. Which is odd because I as well usually relate to guys more than girls. Does he have aspergers? I just had this conversation with my friend yesterday actually. I was trying to figure out why I've been coined "the heart breaker" around my school. It's actually made me pretty upset. I couldn't understand what I was doing to give off the impression that I had romantic interest in the "mosquitoes." I was told that most guys are used to attractive women (although I hardly find myself attractive at all, not ugly but not something unique) having attitudes, or being bitchy, and when one is actually nice to them it can translate into a mutual attraction. I guess it comes with the territory of being an aspie girl. Not really having prejudices, etc. I wish I could do something about it. I feel terrible about the hurt I caused completely unintentionally. I really don't want to be a b***h though...


Sort of sucks for both of us, I guess, but it's awesome to know that I'm not the only one who deals with guys like this! And yeah...I'm 24 and live in California as well. What are the odds? But anyway, maybe this IS an aspie girl thing. I bet we attract guys who love the pursuit and the idea of 'being in love' more than they actually get to know the person they're chasing. This one I'm referring to does not have aspergers, btw. Very very very NT.

I ended up having to have The Talk with him. He had been assuming I was interested in him (as he was very interested in me). I told him he wasn't my type and that we'd make a horrible couple. He then gave me the silent treatment for a week and got online to rant at ME for being a terrible friend because he was always the one who initiated conversation. I told him that it's impossible to start a conversation with someone who never stops talking to you. (Yes, I sort of went into b***h mode here, but he was guilt tripping me and I do NOT respond well to that). I bluntly clarified that I was not, and that no matter how hard he tried I would not be interested in him as more than a friend. He got online a week later to tell me that if I just get to know him better and we hang out more, I'll learn to like him, basically. UGH.



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01 Oct 2011, 11:44 pm

he definately fancies ya.
I hate that when I try just talking to girls and they think I'm hitting on them. Sometimes I just feel like talking and they happen to be there.