How do you find a life partner?

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SailorMars82
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17 May 2017, 2:19 am

I'm a 35 yr old female with AS and I was reading this article that says all people with AS need in life are two things: a job and a spouse.


Now, I agree with her that is with AS need those two things in life: a spouse and a job. I have a job (though it's not a good one for me) but no partner. She says in the article to "carefully focus on finding a partner." How does one "carefully focus" on finding a partner? I've tried many things (even dreaded Tinder) to no avail. How do I find that best friend then? I really do believe in what the author says but I have no idea how to fix that particular "problem". :/



Richardf269
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17 May 2017, 4:10 pm

You will basically have to find yourself a good friend in a guy. The closer you are as friends, the better you will probably hit it off as lovers. It also depends on what traits you have, and what traits you want in a man.



SailorMars82
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17 May 2017, 10:17 pm

Yes, I agree with you. My problem has been finding a guy to be friends (and build on towards a commitment) with that isn't already attached :( it's hard to find that at this age.



Darmok
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17 May 2017, 10:18 pm

I wish I knew. :-(


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sly279
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18 May 2017, 6:55 am

Lots of single guys here who'd love a spouse. Me included. Could always message one. Over time your bf/gf becomes like a best friend.

I've certainly found life without love and companionship to be not worth while and empty.

We could take if you want.



SabbraCadabra
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18 May 2017, 7:54 am

lol

We'll just make The Wrong Planet Dating Game, where three lucky guys compete to win the heart of one lovely lady. Hopefully she chooses the right one, because they're contractually bound to stay together forever.

SailorMars82 wrote:
My problem has been finding a guy to be friends (and build on towards a commitment) with that isn't already attached :( it's hard to find that at this age.


Too true. Even moreso if you're not interested in someone who has kids.


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whatamievendoing
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18 May 2017, 8:15 am

In all honesty, you shouldn't focus on finding a partner at all. I've personally found that looking for a relationship tends to work best when you don't pursue it actively. Maybe it has to do with a specific mentality that you adapt when you look for a relationship with a serious mindset, and then that somehow emanates from you as desperation or something, thus also making you unattractive to basically everyone.

Single life is underrated.


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GiantHockeyFan
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18 May 2017, 8:15 am

As a married man, I can confidently say that I have no idea.

My best guess is that I stopped investing so much in interactions with women. I put my heart on the line three times: the first two I fell flat on my face and the third I found true love, mostly because of what I learned. As the old saying goes, practice makes perfect.



futuresoldier1944
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18 May 2017, 1:52 pm

SailorMars82 wrote:
I'm a 35 yr old female with AS and I was reading this article that says all people with AS need in life are two things: a job and a spouse.


Now, I agree with her that is with AS need those two things in life: a spouse and a job. I have a job (though it's not a good one for me) but no partner. She says in the article to "carefully focus on finding a partner." How does one "carefully focus" on finding a partner? I've tried many things (even dreaded Tinder) to no avail. How do I find that best friend then? I really do believe in what the author says but I have no idea how to fix that particular "problem". :/


As I have recently concluded for myself, you just have to take some risks and become more socially assertive. But from personal experience, I also now realize that being more socially assertive can be tricky and even difficult for those of us who have Asperger's. It's hard for us to be socially assertive to begin with. And then when we try to be socially assertive, we are often awkward and clumsy about it, which may turn off other people.

I agree with the article that you read that all people, whether they have Asperger's or not, need a spouse and a job. However, I disagree that those are the only two things that people with Asperger's need in life. People, whether they have Asperger's or not, also need one or more close platonic friends, preferably of the same sex. I have never had a girlfriend before. But I definitely do want to get a girlfriend soon, and hopefully one who would later become my wife. However, in order to be emotionally ready for a serious girlfriend, I really do want and believe that I need one or more close guy friends whom I can open up to and who I can have intense shared experiences with. I have made this new guy friend about my age whom I immediately felt could become a close and even best friend. But my Asperger's-related quirks and flaws have unfortunately scared him off for now. This was an example of me being socially assertive in an awkward and clumsy way. I really don't know what to do. If I can't eventually make up with him, I really do fear that I will never be able to hold another close platonic friendship or have a romantic relationship.



rdos
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18 May 2017, 2:00 pm

I think it is true. Us NDs really do need a partner. But it is also true that you just cannot say "now I'm going to get a partner", and put up "hooks" everywhere. That's not how it usually works. Instead, good partners just happen to show up, sometimes when you expect it the least. It also takes a lot of time, and so putting up timetables is a really bad idea.

I would definitely not want to be friends first though. That's a totally unusable path for me.



futuresoldier1944
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18 May 2017, 2:19 pm

rdos wrote:
I think it is true. Us NDs really do need a partner. But it is also true that you just cannot say "now I'm going to get a partner", and put up "hooks" everywhere. That's not how it usually works. Instead, good partners just happen to show up, sometimes when you expect it the least. It also takes a lot of time, and so putting up timetables is a really bad idea.

I would definitely not want to be friends first though. That's a totally unusable path for me.


Well that's how I felt about my new friend who I have been having a problem with. I thought that he was a good partner (in a purely platonic way) who just happened to show up when I least expected it. But me coming on strong to him, while a reaction to him coming on strong to me, rushed the intimacy between us which needed (and I'm hoping still needs) time to grow.



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18 May 2017, 2:20 pm

I met my boyfriend on the Okcupid dating site, after some trial and error. I met up with other guys I met from there before I met my boyfriend but things did not work out with any of them. So I am not going to say you can just get on there and easily find LTR right off...but it is possible to meet someone you really connect with there and form a good relationship.

One issue I ran into was being too quick to jump into sex/intimacy, I mean if I were looking for casual sex/one night stand type situations it wouldn't have been a bad thing. But when looking specifically for a serious relationship it is much better to get to know each other a bit before getting intimate. Like meet up a few times and spend some time together first.


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SailorMars82
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25 May 2017, 2:44 am

This is all really good advice, thank you everyone. I also agree that it´s not like you can just say "I´m just gonna go get a partner" (though i wish it were that simple). My problem has also been that since I'm a very logical thinker, i come across as too direct, and that apparently is seen as too "aggressive" . Like someone else here said, you try to be socially assertive but because of aspergers we come off too strong and awkward sometimes, which causes the opposite and undesirable effect of scaring off others.

This has happened to me so many times Im scared of trying anymore. I truly do want to connect to someone, but Im not that great with emotions, and i think people think I'm being cold or calculating, when Im just trying to act on common sense. For me, it is very important to have that partner i my life for both the emotional fulfillment of it and also to help me navigate things in life i struggle with. To be a team, just like any other couple. But its so hard to find someone open minded enough to see past the differences and "quirks", and who'd want to stay with someone who´s different.

So basically, i just have to "wait" for the person to appear? I do, but they still dont...



Richardf269
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25 May 2017, 3:20 pm

SailorMars82 wrote:
This is all really good advice, thank you everyone. I also agree that it´s not like you can just say "I´m just gonna go get a partner" (though i wish it were that simple). My problem has also been that since I'm a very logical thinker, i come across as too direct, and that apparently is seen as too "aggressive" . Like someone else here said, you try to be socially assertive but because of aspergers we come off too strong and awkward sometimes, which causes the opposite and undesirable effect of scaring off others.

This has happened to me so many times Im scared of trying anymore. I truly do want to connect to someone, but Im not that great with emotions, and i think people think I'm being cold or calculating, when Im just trying to act on common sense. For me, it is very important to have that partner i my life for both the emotional fulfillment of it and also to help me navigate things in life i struggle with. To be a team, just like any other couple. But its so hard to find someone open minded enough to see past the differences and "quirks", and who'd want to stay with someone who´s different.

So basically, i just have to "wait" for the person to appear? I do, but they still dont...


I know how you feel. I've been through the same thing for years, trying to find someone, but ultimately all of my relationships didn't work out. Now I am 34 and it's not easy trying to find a person my age who's as open minded and laid back as me, which really sucks. People just become too jaded at this age in their life.



futuresoldier1944
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26 May 2017, 12:31 pm

SailorMars82 wrote:
This is all really good advice, thank you everyone. I also agree that it´s not like you can just say "I´m just gonna go get a partner" (though i wish it were that simple). My problem has also been that since I'm a very logical thinker, i come across as too direct, and that apparently is seen as too "aggressive" . Like someone else here said, you try to be socially assertive but because of aspergers we come off too strong and awkward sometimes, which causes the opposite and undesirable effect of scaring off others.

This has happened to me so many times Im scared of trying anymore. I truly do want to connect to someone, but Im not that great with emotions, and i think people think I'm being cold or calculating, when Im just trying to act on common sense. For me, it is very important to have that partner i my life for both the emotional fulfillment of it and also to help me navigate things in life i struggle with. To be a team, just like any other couple. But its so hard to find someone open minded enough to see past the differences and "quirks", and who'd want to stay with someone who´s different.

So basically, i just have to "wait" for the person to appear? I do, but they still dont...


I also want and even need to connect and be close to one or more guy friends and a girlfriend. I know that I can probably eventually do this. However, I've become gun-shy and even dejected after my problem with my new friend, if I can still really call him that. Another important thing is that if and when I make some good guy friends, I'm not sure they they will be able to give me what I want and even need from them, which is a close emotional bond. This was part of my problem with my new friend. I tried to rush the intimacy between us, even if only unintentional, but he clearly wasn't ready. However, I assumed that he wanted us to become good or close friends from how he behaved when we first met. This just goes to show that when trying to get a close friend or a romantic partner, both people involved have to make perfectly clear what their intentions are and to openly communicate with each other.