Should I disclose my diagnosis?

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When should people disclose their ASD?
First date 15%  15%  [ 3 ]
When it gets serious 70%  70%  [ 14 ]
Never 15%  15%  [ 3 ]
Total votes : 20

DevilKisses
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31 Dec 2013, 9:47 pm

Should I disclose my autism diagnosis to people I am dating? I don't really agree with my diagnosis, so I don't like telling people about it.


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goldfish21
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31 Dec 2013, 10:07 pm

I voted "when it gets serious."

First date? lol good thing you're here asking questions on this forum.. that would not exactly be a socially acceptable time to disclose something like that.. mainly in the sense of the date accepting you. Starting off with "hi, my name is ___ and I have AS," is a sure fire way to have someone think you're weird and not likely want to see you again.

Much better just to be yourself and let them get to know you w/o the judgement clouding paradigm of a label. Then if things get serious, maybe it's time to bring it up so they're in the loop vs. wondering about your quirks. If they care about you, then once they know and learn a bit about AS they'll be more understanding of your nature vs. get annoyed by it.

I think transparency & honesty is best in a long term relationship where you truly get to know each other intimately, so I wouldn't agree with "never," as an option even though it might suit some people just fine. I'd feel like that omission, knowing my diagnosis, would be kind of deceptive. But I can see why some may choose to conceal it always, and they can if they like - I would never disclose their secret if I knew it, or speak ill of them for it. To each their own.


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DevilKisses
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31 Dec 2013, 10:14 pm

goldfish21 wrote:
I voted "when it gets serious."

First date? lol good thing you're here asking questions on this forum.. that would not exactly be a socially acceptable time to disclose something like that.. mainly in the sense of the date accepting you. Starting off with "hi, my name is ___ and I have AS," is a sure fire way to have someone think you're weird and not likely want to see you again.

Much better just to be yourself and let them get to know you w/o the judgement clouding paradigm of a label. Then if things get serious, maybe it's time to bring it up so they're in the loop vs. wondering about your quirks. If they care about you, then once they know and learn a bit about AS they'll be more understanding of your nature vs. get annoyed by it.

I think transparency & honesty is best in a long term relationship where you truly get to know each other intimately, so I wouldn't agree with "never," as an option even though it might suit some people just fine. I'd feel like that omission, knowing my diagnosis, would be kind of deceptive. But I can see why some may choose to conceal it always, and they can if they like - I would never disclose their secret if I knew it, or speak ill of them for it. To each their own.

I would never even think about disclosing it on a first date. I was just wondering if other people might. I don't feel like disclosing my diagnosis because I don't have very many symptoms anymore. A lot of my symptoms are gone because of diet and supplements. I can read social cues, I don't have sensory issues unless I'm tired and I don't follow routines any more than the average person would. The only major symptom I have right now is special interests.


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cdharders
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31 Dec 2013, 10:53 pm

Likely, you would not really need to talk about it until after you've had sex. There's no reason to bring it up. It just shows you're embarrassed about it. It helps in the long term to go over certain behavioral things she might not understand, but don't beat yourself up about it.



jrjones9933
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31 Dec 2013, 11:38 pm

I voted for when it gets serious, but I'd actually disclose when it becomes relevant. Something like, yes I'll go to the party, but let me explain in advance that I may need to step away from the crowd for a while or even leave early, and here's why.



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01 Jan 2014, 12:15 pm

jrjones9933 wrote:
I voted for when it gets serious, but I'd actually disclose when it becomes relevant. Something like, yes I'll go to the party, but let me explain in advance that I may need to step away from the crowd for a while or even leave early, and here's why.


Relevant seems like the best option. By the time it's serious you have something real to lose if they react negatively to it.

Of course, I don't know how many people would dump someone they genuinely like after months because of a diagnosis... but I wouldn't like that worry in the back of my mind.



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01 Jan 2014, 12:45 pm

But wouldn't it be pretty relevant on the first date? I know for me that would probably be one of the worst moments of "autism" they'll see for a while if we continue seeing each other.


I wouldn't want to be with someone who thinks they can form an opinion about "the real me" by hearing about some labels anyway. And I've long given up the hope of being "the one that will open their eyes by showing what a wonderful person I am before telling them about my autism, so that from then on they will never judge people on their labels again".

I'd hate to think that "hiding a part of you till they like "the rest" well enough so you can then "guilt trip" them into accepting what you've been hiding" is the right way to go.
"Yeah I know I've been looking like a really fun outgoing guy, but honestly I've been overdoing myself and that's why I've been looking so depressed for the last week. I can't handle it any more, my school/work is suffering from having to destress myself several times a week, so let me now please explain to you why the "real me" will actually stay home 90% of the times you ask me to go out.".

Honesty and openness from the start is the way to go. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work, and at least you don't have to think about whether your "fake persona" wasn't good enough and needs work, and you can focus completely on -you-.


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coffeebean
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01 Jan 2014, 1:10 pm

Autinger wrote:
But wouldn't it be pretty relevant on the first date? I know for me that would probably be one of the worst moments of "autism" they'll see for a while if we continue seeing each other.

I wouldn't want to be with someone who thinks they can form an opinion about "the real me" by hearing about some labels anyway. And I've long given up the hope of being "the one that will open their eyes by showing what a wonderful person I am before telling them about my autism, so that from then on they will never judge people on their labels again".

I'd hate to think that "hiding a part of you till they like "the rest" well enough so you can then "guilt trip" them into accepting what you've been hiding" is the right way to go.
"Yeah I know I've been looking like a really fun outgoing guy, but honestly I've been overdoing myself and that's why I've been looking so depressed for the last week. I can't handle it any more, my school/work is suffering from having to destress myself several times a week, so let me now please explain to you why the "real me" will actually stay home 90% of the times you ask me to go out.".

Honesty and openness from the start is the way to go. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work, and at least you don't have to think about whether your "fake persona" wasn't good enough and needs work, and you can focus completely on -you-.


Someone acting like a social butterfly when they're really not would be harmful even without autism as the explanation; a regular introvert or shy person's relationship could take a blow, too. No one likes to think they're getting one thing and get something completely different, unless by dumb luck they like the truth better (and how often does that happen? :lol: ). I'd hope that fundamental personality traits like being outgoing or liking to spend more time alone/at home were honest, even if the whys weren't covered until later.

There's a difference between waiting until dating is steady and people are more interested in finding out what's beneath the surface and actively hiding the kind of person someone is, I think.



jrjones9933
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01 Jan 2014, 1:17 pm

I agree that people shouldn't put on a facade and act like a different person. I do consider it worth understanding the psychology of first impressions. People average all the things they know, at first, so you will have a better chance to really get acquainted with a potential partner if you put your best foot forward for a while.

I don't think that a specific time frame applies in every case, just make sure that you only invest an appropriate level of emotional energy into a new relationship.



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02 Jan 2014, 9:31 am

I usually disclose a few dates in as I tend to look for the ability to have deep conversations as one of my prerequesits, it will often come up casually as part of the conversation.

For the first few dates I usually use the code words "socially awkward", "geeky", "bad with signals", or "shy around new people." It takes a lot of pressure off of both parties as they don't go in expecting some uberconfident casanova and also don't feel like they need to work too hard to impress me.

TIP: Tell a girl on or before a first date "I should warn you I'm quite awkward and shy around new people" and do it with a smile and/or humor. About 90% of the time the girl will say something like "don't worry, I'm awkward too." Seriously, it's like magic.



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02 Jan 2014, 11:45 am

Geekonychus wrote:
I usually disclose a few dates in as I tend to look for the ability to have deep conversations as one of my prerequesits, it will often come up casually as part of the conversation.

For the first few dates I usually use the code words "socially awkward", "geeky", "bad with signals", or "shy around new people." It takes a lot of pressure off of both parties as they don't go in expecting some uberconfident casanova and also don't feel like they need to work too hard to impress me.

TIP: Tell a girl on or before a first date "I should warn you I'm quite awkward and shy around new people" and do it with a smile and/or humor. About 90% of the time the girl will say something like "don't worry, I'm awkward too." Seriously, it's like magic.


I didn't vote because I'm between "when it gets serious" and "never." However, as Geekonychus says, I try to warn people up front that I'm geeky, don't do well in social situations involving more than one or two other people, and prefer to avoid things like parties and bars in general. Basically, I tell them I'm an extreme introvert, not good at small talk, totally into scientific things, not terribly creative, not into arty things except as a spectator, and sometimes brutally honest. If any of that turns them off, then I've not invested too much time into trying to make friends with someone who I might ultimately inadvertently offend, or who might ultimately encroach on my personal space (or bore me to tears with small talk).