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IlovemyAspie
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14 Mar 2012, 3:37 pm

About a year ago I decided to persue a relationship with a guy. We were aquaintances but I decided to take things further and see if that worked out. I started out kind of slow but started dropping more and more hints to let him know that I liked him, although he never seemed to pick up on them. I thought he must want to take things slowly. Over the months I made excuses for the reasons why he wasn't returning my affections. I started to think that he wasn't interested in me or that he had a girlfriend. One day we were discussing relationships and he told me had AS. I was floored for a minute but then realized that that explained EVERYTHING. I had fallen in love with him by this point and I realized that I was truly in love with him because the AS didin't change my feelings for him. The shock lasted only moments and for me, it didn't matter in the least. He told me that I am one of the few people in his life that knows he has AS. I thought that was very brave and trusting of him to tell me something so personal. Although I can't help but to think that he likes me enough to open up and tell me something that he hasn't shared with anyone else. The thing is, I'm not sure if he told me so that I would back off or maybe so that I could decided whether or not I wanted to continue with this? I've asked him but got no response. Believe me I've tried the direct approach. I've asked him questions on several differnt topics, sometimes I get a response and sometimes I don't. From what I've learned being direct is the best way to go but what happens if you ask a specific question and get no response? I have learned to look for the small indicators that he likes me. When I find them it makes me so happy. Although I would just love it if one day he said "Hey, I really like you"! or some sort of verbal confirmation. I think I have to learn not to expect too much and be happy with what he gives me. One time I told him that I was going to give him some space and time because I felt I was being overbearing. He made it clear that wasn't what he wanted. That was a while ago. I'm afraid to mention backing off again because it may upset or irritate him. Like I'm begging for confirmation. But I don't know that he would tell me he was ready for me to leave him alone. Any suggestions????



psychegots
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14 Mar 2012, 4:24 pm

Even though it might sound weird and childish to other people, in this case, I actually think the best thing you can do is send him a text message (or other form of written communication: email?) clearly asking him if he wants you. "Do you want to be my boyfriend? I really like you". That is if you can handle the potential embarrassment. This will leave no question what you want, it will give him time to reflect and process before answering, and it is obvious that you need and expect an answer.

Good luck!



heathergracie
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14 Mar 2012, 4:50 pm

I agree with the above post. My Aspie and I have an easier time sometimes getting either off the phone or away from face to face communication and switching to text when things are stressful or important. He doesn't shut down, and it takes the stress level down for both of us.



IlovemyAspie
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15 Mar 2012, 12:12 am

Thanks for the replies...I have noticed that emailing and texting work well for us when we are discussing important things. I guess maybe I will have to just go for it. Nothing seems childish to me about texting and emailing. Not when dealing with him. I understand that it takes the pressure off of the situation and it's easier to for him to get his thoughts together. Truth is, it's easier for me as well! But asking questions and getting no replies can be a bit disheartening. And yeah I'm afraid of the potential embarassment. I once asked me if he wasn't replying because he was afraid of hurting my feelings-no answer. What does that mean???? I will ask a specific question and then say "yes I want you to answer this". NO ANSWER! I feel sometimes maybe that seems demanding and that irritates him? Kind of like "you're not going to force me to do anything"?? I try to look for patterns, like okay he answered me this time and this was going on or he didn't answer me at this time and that was going on. I'm tryig to feel my way through this. Everytime I tell myself I'm going to wait for hm to contact me, something inside wont allow me to wait. I keep wrestling with the thought that he may think I've abandoned him? He may think that he knew this wouldn't work? So I keep texting/emailing him. He'll go through a phase where he's chatty and then phases where he isn't. I just keep up the texting/emailing. I just want him to know I'm still here. He's said he doesn't think he's relationship material. Was that my cue to say oh okay goodbye? Or fight for him and say let's see what happens. I'm a firm believer in sometimes you find what you weren't looking for and you realize you can't live without it.



nat4200
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15 Mar 2012, 12:53 am

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Last edited by nat4200 on 21 Apr 2012, 1:37 am, edited 1 time in total.

nat4200
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15 Mar 2012, 1:21 am

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Last edited by nat4200 on 21 Apr 2012, 1:39 am, edited 2 times in total.

IlovemyAspie
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15 Mar 2012, 1:23 am

WOW!! ! This is so helpful. You are so right about NT thinking. We do try to 'read between the lines". Trying to read more into a simple answer or read more into a "non answer"-if you will. You've helped me to realize that these responses are coming from an Aspie so I shouldn't apply my NT thinking to them. But I did need your insight on the not answering situation. I didn't thnk of him needing time to think about things. I have tried to educate myself on AS as much as possible and I have read about Aspie's getting "worn out" with too much interaction. I guess I just thought of myself as being an exception! LOL! I think I thought we were on another level. Full of myself huh?! I've got a lot to learn-interaction is interaction no matter who it's with. So do you think that me continuing to contact him no matter if I get a response or not is a good thing? Or do you think that it may be annoying?



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15 Mar 2012, 1:36 am

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Last edited by nat4200 on 21 Apr 2012, 1:37 am, edited 1 time in total.

IlovemyAspie
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15 Mar 2012, 1:41 am

I just read the last post. I'm almost in tears! In a good way. I feel so much more enlightened. I started getting super insecure and my mind had him dating other people and who knows what else. I was reluctant to post anything here, but I'm so glad I did. I absolutely adore him. I've only been in love once before and that was many, many years ago. I so want this to work. I just hope that hm not seeing himself in a relationship will change. I have already "inserted" myself in his future. That's just how hard I've fallen. I can deal with him needing to recharge, I guess I just need to realize he needs this and to not take it personal. The bad thing is it's in my personality to take everything personal so I have to be reminded every now and again to turn it off. I know he would never hurt me, not intentionally. Another thing I'm trying to learn to deal with is that sometimes he goes "missing" and when he returns it's like nothing has ever happened. Is it NT of me to expect an explanation as to where he's been or expect him to let me know if he's going somewhere? I feel like he doesn't owe me anything but it would be nice to know!

okay so if he is shutting down, what then? I always worry I'm pushing him into shutdown mode.



psychegots
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15 Mar 2012, 3:00 am

IlovemyAspie wrote:
Another thing I'm trying to learn to deal with is that sometimes he goes "missing" and when he returns it's like nothing has ever happened. Is it NT of me to expect an explanation as to where he's been or expect him to let me know if he's going somewhere?


I think that is pretty normal to expect no matter what your neurology is. What I would say though is that I know that some aspies have trouble with how to properly enter and exit an social interaction. He might think that it's obvious to you that he is going to leave at that moment, when you have no idea. Or he might simply find saying goodbye so awkward that he justs leave.

On your previous post I would just remind you not to get to negative when reading about AS and relationships. There are truly a lot of awful information out there, which certainly does not apply to everyone. The thing you said about being the "exception", is something you can be. It depends on your guy and it depends on you but it is not impossible. There are just 7-8 hours a week (not a day) that I'm not with my partner, and I can't sleep without her. Quite the contrast to what you might read applies to all in certain books.



IlovemyAspie
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15 Mar 2012, 11:14 am

You are so right about there being a lot of negative information out there AS and relationships. I have learned to ignore all of the negativity. That's just one person's experience. What I chose to accept is that it is possible to have a loving and rewarding and relationship. All relationships require work, it's all about how much work you are willing to put into it. I believe I am a very patient person and I am used to putting a lot of work into my relationships, I just hope he's willing to work at it as well. It seems like he is. Like you said previously he may be trying just as hard or harder to understand me as I am trying to understand him. I never really thought of it that way. You don't know how much this really helps me. Reading how you can't sleep without your partner warmed my heart. I hope one day I can be his "exception".