Overpossessive BF.. Please tell me what to do

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divineangel
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26 Jun 2012, 1:51 am

Yes. Like old times, I was expecting him to call me. Atleast so I know he is suffering, coz i am, inspite of the fact that I know I did what had to be done. His texts did disturb me when he mentioned "with your attidude, you will end up alone in life with no one standing besides you". But i guess not responding was the right thing coz in this case i dont want to show him i am bothered. I guess that would be a good slap on his face, without me physically inflicting it. But i can only but assume.. There will be no closure to this am sure....thats jus how things are this time... Gosh!! how stupid is this man...spoilt the one relationship which would have become something..I dont wanna change him coz i know he will never change..I realize now that he was hiding his true self for a these past months, but could not do that consistently and gave away when i dint agree with his demands.

The worst part was, when i started giving in, instead if being happy, he took advantage of the fact and started getting more unreasonable. Grrrr



ToughDiamond
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26 Jun 2012, 4:02 am

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when i started giving in, instead if being happy, he took advantage of the fact and started getting more unreasonable.

That was a bad sign I think. If a partner has boundaries, that's one thing, but if you respect those and then they move further out and you're still getting flak, you're going to wonder if there's any limit at all. I'm not saying he did this deliberately, but it's bound to feel like entrapment for you, with him acting all liberal and gung-ho until you're hooked, and then gradually turning puritanical and defensive, and expecting you to follow.



divineangel
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26 Jun 2012, 4:24 am

I was under the impression that bcoz I may have been rigid in the beginning when he was wwoing me and was not responding to him exactly the way he wanted, was why he wud get frustrated and behave stupid. Some ppl even said that I am giving him a hard time and not letting the wall infront of me crumble. Which is y i realized that maybe I am too careful n by telling me to inform him of my whereabouts or asking me not to go places, to behave in a certain way, what to wear, was a way to care and I was being a hard ass to him. So i mellowed down hoping I could keep him happy. But he dissapointed me immensely. On the day he slapped me, when he came to visit, he kept saying, "u seem different, u r not giving me attention since morning. There is something not ok. Your ph is alo busy nowdays often". I held his hand at dinner and told him that its jus paranoia that he feels.. and then i checked my ph for txts after which he started peeking in my ph and the rest of the incident happened. I wonder y he felt ignored by me. I was doing all i cud to give him time. To the extent that I was ignoring my mom's calls jus coz he was always on the ph with me. it was like he used to get these bouts of doubt and start thinking what not!!No matter what i did, seemed less for him. He used to call me in short intervals when I was working and tell me that I dont call him back. I used to reply that since u jus spoke to me 10 mins back, i th*t i wud a lill later coz i am a busy with work. But it wasnt enough i guess.



divineangel
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26 Jun 2012, 5:56 am

I so need to discuss this over. I constantly blame myself though i know that I did not do anything to cheat on him. i wonder if I had not answered my txts that night, that things would be different probably. But i dont know exactly what to think. Yes I miss him a lot, and he has stopped bein in touch now..But to me I still feel that he was being unreasonable with his demands... On my b'day in may for example, i had requested him to not ruin the week coz to me my B'day week is so important. But 3 days before my B'day, he drops this bombshell on me that in Feb, i was partying with my friends (and he n i were not on talking terms coz of a disagreement). He located this from my FB wall and accusses me of not caring for him, and all this he brings it up in May. Clearly when We had discussed about this in March, after we got back to talking. He accusses me before my B'day of lying and bein happy without him, which was not true coz i went out as i was so depressed and wanted to get over him. He did nt even wish me on my b'day and said 5 days after my b'day tht he kept away coz i has shouted on him for trying to ruin my b'day week and he dint want to ruin my day. Additionally, he accused me of having an affair with a guy whom he saw i added as a friend on FB (who is actually my friends bf). He even told me that i shud not drink at all on my b'day. I had moved my b'day from a fri to sat and he accussed me then that i purposely did that since he was occuppied on sat (something i dint know at all till i shifted the day anf then he told me he wud be tied up on saturday). The reason y i shifted my party was coz many of my friends wud not be able to get off work on sat morning so friday wud not be convenient for them.

He never wished me on my b'day, but came back 5 days later apologizing. I was distracted on my b'day and he kept sayin y dint u call me..I mean hello, i called him a day b4 my b'day and he never answered the phone. and its my b'day for cryin out loud..and still i forgave him.. He got me gifts, but again, my niceness was followed by his unreasonable demands.

tell me was i wrong??



ToughDiamond
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26 Jun 2012, 8:37 am

Sounds like he really was totally fixated on the idea of you being unfaithful........nobody in that state would be capable of a normal relationship IMHO. So no, I don't think you were wrong. I don't know how good your communication style is in relationships, but from what you say it seems like he just stopped listening one day, so however good or bad your communication was, it can't do any good if he just won't listen.



divineangel
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27 Jun 2012, 12:10 am

It was a shocker to me when he began accussing me and manyatimes i calmly told him the reason and y i felt we shud not be together. He would completely understand at that time.. but only for a few days...

His business also was sufferring....guess maybe he felt i was one thing he could control if not anything else. and the worst part is, he became worse after i started giving in..i assumed me giving in to his demands would keep him happy..but there came a point when i felt it was unreasonable. I felt he was commanding things that were so not ok

I mean if he cud meet me only once a week coz he had work, dont i have the right to meet my other friends on the days he does not meet me coz i do wanna have a social life too? it ds not mean that i have to be home if he cannot take me out..
there were times when after a fight he would say, yes its ok, go with your friends, but only if it was a girl..if i told him its a guy friend too, he would jus loose it. i understand i wud feel a lill weird if hhe went out with a girl who is jus a friend to im, but i wud tell myself tht i trust him, and if he has to be faithful, he wud come back to me. I wud not control him in anyway.



Zinia
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27 Jun 2012, 10:44 am

Read some Lundy Bancroft articles.

What you say about him is really typical of my own experience with abuse, and with other women I've talked to (a LOT of them).

The thing with abuse, is it's really about control. So abusers usually work you into a state of constantly trying to fix your behavior, change yourself, and blame yourself for the problems that the abuser is causing. The purpose is to continually control you--yet even when you actually achieve one demand (like change the way you dress), the abuser will continually move the "goal post" to higher and higher expectations, and when you do not achieve these expectations, the abuser will use that "failure" on your part, to stonewall you, verbally abuse you, or in your case, physically abuse you.

Also, abusers almost always blame their own abuse on the victim--so it ends up being very confusing to the target. Lundy Bancroft has some free articles about this on his website--he also has some good books about it, and you can read a bit of them for free on google books, by previewing the book.



_DyL_
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27 Jun 2012, 2:41 pm

If he slaps you and is getting aggressive, then you should surely leave him. No girl should have to put up with that, simple. :/



ToughDiamond
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27 Jun 2012, 4:33 pm

Whatever his intentions and labels, the pressure to remove even female friends can't be healthy. Any relationship in that much trouble is likely to become a total madhouse if it isolates itself so completely.

Hard to know what would have happened if his business hadn't got into trouble. Still, if it didn't fold, at least he's free to rescue it now without his phobia, which must have been an awful distraction.

He might yet try to contact you again, but let's hope not.



divineangel
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28 Jun 2012, 12:57 am

ToughDiamond wrote:
Whatever his intentions and labels, the pressure to remove even female friends can't be healthy. Any relationship in that much trouble is likely to become a total madhouse if it isolates itself so completely.

Hard to know what would have happened if his business hadn't got into trouble. Still, if it didn't fold, at least he's free to rescue it now without his phobia, which must have been an awful distraction.

He might yet try to contact you again, but let's hope not.


He would question my timings yes...and thats not ok..i agree there were times when i said that if u can be back on time, pls do come, we shall talk, else its fine, we can catch up the next day..But if he was with friends, i made it a point to not call him or txt him.. coz i wanted to give him his space.. but even then, i eman it took him no time to assume that I was cheating on him if i went out with guy friends... He wont call me now for sure...or txt.. coz he never got a reply from me and he ?? its a blatant spit on my face and I am helpless. no payback...



divineangel
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28 Jun 2012, 1:33 am

Zinia wrote:
Read some Lundy Bancroft articles.

What you say about him is really typical of my own experience with abuse, and with other women I've talked to (a LOT of them).

The thing with abuse, is it's really about control. So abusers usually work you into a state of constantly trying to fix your behavior, change yourself, and blame yourself for the problems that the abuser is causing. The purpose is to continually control you--yet even when you actually achieve one demand (like change the way you dress), the abuser will continually move the "goal post" to higher and higher expectations, and when you do not achieve these expectations, the abuser will use that "failure" on your part, to stonewall you, verbally abuse you, or in your case, physically abuse you.

Also, abusers almost always blame their own abuse on the victim--so it ends up being very confusing to the target. Lundy Bancroft has some free articles about this on his website--he also has some good books about it, and you can read a bit of them for free on google books, by previewing the book.


You are right..Whatever i did even when I was nice to him somehow made him raise the bar even more. when i did tell him am goin out for an hour in the afternoon with a guy friend and txted him while at the lunch, he made such a deal about it in the end of him nt liking me going and meeting any guy friend whom have known for years, atleast not alone. When i told him this guy is like my brother, coz am close to heis sister too, who is my best friend, he says dont go make random family ties and made me cry.
and the worst part when i did not show my txts to him, he snatches my ph, tries to chk my msgs and accusses me and almiost abducts me and slaps me when i ask him to go away. i was crying in the car and he says, dont do drama, i have seen these drams and dont make that face infront of me, i wud not even touch a characterless girl like ypu..
then all of a sudden he almost clamed down when i was hysterical crying but lost ot again when io told him not to touch me coz he had called me a whore.



edgewaters
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28 Jun 2012, 1:50 am

divineangel wrote:
His texts did disturb me when he mentioned "with your attidude, you will end up alone in life with no one standing besides you".


If you're on this forum, chances are you're at least somewhat marginilized, socially. He probably picked up on this and was saving it as ammunition to use against you, and when you cut him off, he reached for the big guns to try and hurt you, in order to get you to respond.

You were right to ignore this. What he wants here is for you to come under his power, where you would almost certainly be even more isolated. It is quite unlikely such a person would stand by you when you needed them; they would more likely take a blame and shame approach towards you, seeing you as a frustrating inconvenience, at such time. Moreover, you would never meet someone who would stand by you while with him. In effect everything he's saying would actually come true if you adopted the attitude he prefers you to have.



divineangel
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28 Jun 2012, 6:33 am

I would wanna ask him with his kinda attitude, who wud wanna end up with him..Taking my rigid nature (jus so i wanted to be careful of getting into a relationship with a guy not knowing whether he is wrong or right), he accusees me.. What about when i gave in?? he just raised the bar and started demanding more. When i was rigid with him, he was hesistant to tell me directly what to do, who to talk to, what to wear. But the moment i started giving in and lowered my guard he blatantly came forward and spoke what all was in his brain. No subtleities.. jus plain harsh unreasonable demands...
and in his texts, he acts like the victim. Am i wrong to hang up the ph when he blurts abuses or keeps on accussing me and does not listen for a bit even as to what I have to say?? Rather than listening to crap, i much rather hang up.. and then he used to tell me "dont u dare hang up, u have to listen to vat i have to say". y shud i, am not his slave. "u never cared, thats y u hang up..have the guts to liosten to the truth that u r a girl that cheats and will be all alone at the end of the day with this ego of yours". I will not take name calling and be humiliated. He slapped me jus cpz of his paranoia and coz i refused to answer to his false allegations..



Nikorvus
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28 Jun 2012, 8:58 am

divineangel wrote:
Am i wrong to hang up the ph when he blurts abuses or keeps on accussing me and does not listen for a bit even as to what I have to say??


No. You are doing the exact right thing.

Further, I'd have one final conversation with him (Over the phone is first choice. Face-to-face in public is second. Face-to-face in private is bad. He's already proven to be physically violent). When he starts going on or change the topic or any other method of trying to control the conversation, don't play his game. Just stop talking and stare at him.

Basically, the conversation should consist of you saying something like "That is enough. This is not going anywhere. I'm sorry if you were hurt, but we are not compatible. We cannot make up or get past this. I won't be answering your phone calls or emails or texts. Goodbye." Then hang up or leave.

Then mean it. When he calls, don't answer. Don't open his emails. If he comes to your place and starts banging on the door, call the cops. Don't tell him you're calling the police, just call.

It's far, far better to be alone than to be abused.



Zinia
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28 Jun 2012, 9:12 pm

I think it's impossible to reason with some people--like abusers (and I know I'm using that label). But someone who uses violence, verbal, and emotional abuse as a means of controlling their "loved one's" actions--that person isn't likely to be open to reasonable conversations.

All your explanations for your choices and feelings sound legitimate, and I'm sure most guys who were not abusive would be able to discuss them with you. But what is the point of arguing with someone who insists that they know your feelings, thoughts, and intentions, better than you do--even about basic freedoms like clothing and who you talk to?

Edit: I really think you should consider getting in touch with your local Domestic Violence Shelter, and asking them if they have counseling or support groups available. Abuse often leaves longer lasting marks on the inside than the outside.



divineangel
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29 Jun 2012, 1:47 am

Nikorvus wrote:
divineangel wrote:
Am i wrong to hang up the ph when he blurts abuses or keeps on accussing me and does not listen for a bit even as to what I have to say??


No. You are doing the exact right thing.

Further, I'd have one final conversation with him (Over the phone is first choice. Face-to-face in public is second. Face-to-face in private is bad. He's already proven to be physically violent). When he starts going on or change the topic or any other method of trying to control the conversation, don't play his game. Just stop talking and stare at him.

Basically, the conversation should consist of you saying something like "That is enough. This is not going anywhere. I'm sorry if you were hurt, but we are not compatible. We cannot make up or get past this. I won't be answering your phone calls or emails or texts. Goodbye." Then hang up or leave.

Then mean it. When he calls, don't answer. Don't open his emails. If he comes to your place and starts banging on the door, call the cops. Don't tell him you're calling the police, just call.

It's far, far better to be alone than to be abused.


He does not call me anymore. So am safe in that perspective,. He is too egoistic to even accept that his slap was a mistake. probably hefeels he is justified to do that.
You know till last year, i used to explain to him that its not possible for us to see each toher coz i cannot bemonitored all the time and its jus gonna hurt uys with each fight. He always apologized and promised he would never repeat it again. But the habit stayed.. and yes it got worse coz his demands were not ok.. I mean ok, its flattering to recieve so many calls from him, but when the motive behind it was merely to keep a track on me and my movements and who i was supposedly with, hurts me a lot coz it means there is no trust, and if there is no trust, abuse is just normal for him.