Overpossessive BF.. Please tell me what to do

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Greatsharkbite
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21 Jun 2012, 1:11 pm

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Thanks Zinia, u understand my predicament surely. He was extremely caring and attention giving when he was ok, but equally scary with his demands and off temper.. I guess am missing the good points, coz when he did slap me and almost abducted me in his car by refusing to drop me home till ig ave him an answer as to y i cheated on him (or so he th*t) and dint let me explain even when i tried coz he was too busy repeating the same statement some 20 times and acting aggressive, I knew i had to jus get away from him. I so need to get over him..it pinches me that he jus left without even an apology..


He didn't almost abduct you, he abducted you. Also it sucks, that in no way have his actions been made up for. Either by him turning himself into the police, or an apology and a promise to leave you alone.

But even then you're focusing on the wrong thing--the overwhelming positive of this situation--is that he left you alone.

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And that kid doesn't need defeating, he's already been defeated without the need to raise an army.


Toughdiamond

I agree with what you said everyone is human, "he without sin throweth the first stone" and such. There are probably plenty of people on this board who have done something on par with abuse and regretted it sincerely. That said--this guy is in a spiral of destructive behavior. Its not just one instance--almost everything mentioned falls under abusive behavior. He is an abuser, he was an abuser long before physical violence was involved. She didn't tell him about a text? Big whoop, she's apparently made it abundantly clear several times before that she is trustworthy and wants to be trusted. Given up her friends, her social life, to be tied down as an anchor where he can see and maintain her activities at all times--and he still didn't trust her?

I agree if I have nothing to hide, check my texts, email, facebook account, wallet, closet, or whatever else but under the circumstances something is just VERY wrong with this guy.


A label is not to insult, its not to demonize--it serves a more important purpose in this instance--to let the outpost know she's in danger. Everyone is human, I say the same thing to myself.. there is no swapping out in most cases. Put two people side by side and they will both have incredible flaws and lack of insight in different areas. That said, abuse is a flaw that puts a persons life in danger. Labels do serve a purpose. Person kills a child once in cold blood with no motive, decides not to do it again. He's "human", can he find redemption? Maybe. But he's still a killer and I don't want my kid near him. The label tells me that as a parent, i'm better off if my kid is far away from him no matter how trustworthy he seems. Or at LEAST keep a closer eye on them when my kids are alone with them.

He is an abuser, "old fashioned" rules in a relationship are only fair if both parties agree to them. His abuse--is escalating, so its not a 1 time, isolated "won't do it again" type thing, its getting worse. She needs to for her own sake stay away from him.



ToughDiamond
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21 Jun 2012, 5:47 pm

Greatsharkbite wrote:
I agree if I have nothing to hide, check my texts, email, facebook account, wallet, closet, or whatever else but under the circumstances something is just VERY wrong with this guy.

Oh yes, wrong is the word. And according to my reading he could be more dangerous than I thought. Male jealousy can be very dangerous indeed, if it's sexual, which now I see it is. And I guess the label of "abuser" fits in the sense that he is a potential enemy on account of that and the driving and common assault incident. It probably would be best for the OP to avoid him completely, I think. Hope he doesn't fight that.

I'm just intrigued with exactly WHAT is wrong with him. Given that he's safely out of the picture, the "abuser" label tells me little. He obviously saw sexual rivalry danger everywhere it could conceivably have lurked, and he believed that you (divineangel) might be deceiving him. Desperately trying to make you sexually safe - lowering your hemlines to keep the predators off, making you keep your friends at bay, spot-monitoring your conversations.........obviously so preoccupied with protecting himself from this morbid fear, that he forgot all about your needs. I know what it's like to feel I daren't show any warmth towards anybody else because of a partner who actually kept telling me literally that all women are evil and will take any chance to steal men. 8O I ran all my communications past her and there wasn't anything to worry about, but nothing would requiet her. It was a madness. But I don't know if it was the same as your bf. Is it what they call a paranoid delusion? Anybody?

Somebody mentioned insecurity. You seem like an extravert. Was he introverted? That can lead to insecurity. Self-esteem helps, what was that like? If you feel deepdown that you're a tosser, you don't expect your partner would want to be faithful to you, or that you'll be able to replace them.

I'll look again at the story, because I can see some parallels with my own adventures with my first serious gf back in the early 1970s, though the outcome was better.



BlueMax
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21 Jun 2012, 5:58 pm

Sheesh... "abuser" vs. "a person who displays many abusive traits" is all semantics. Is it really that large of an issue to you?



Zinia
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22 Jun 2012, 1:34 am

ToughDiamond wrote:
Greatsharkbite wrote:
I agree if I have nothing to hide, check my texts, email, facebook account, wallet, closet, or whatever else but under the circumstances something is just VERY wrong with this guy.

Oh yes, wrong is the word. And according to my reading he could be more dangerous than I thought. Male jealousy can be very dangerous indeed, if it's sexual, which now I see it is. And I guess the label of "abuser" fits in the sense that he is a potential enemy on account of that and the driving and common assault incident. It probably would be best for the OP to avoid him completely, I think. Hope he doesn't fight that.

I'm just intrigued with exactly WHAT is wrong with him. Given that he's safely out of the picture, the "abuser" label tells me little. He obviously saw sexual rivalry danger everywhere it could conceivably have lurked, and he believed that you (divineangel) might be deceiving him. Desperately trying to make you sexually safe - lowering your hemlines to keep the predators off, making you keep your friends at bay, spot-monitoring your conversations.........obviously so preoccupied with protecting himself from this morbid fear, that he forgot all about your needs. I know what it's like to feel I daren't show any warmth towards anybody else because of a partner who actually kept telling me literally that all women are evil and will take any chance to steal men. 8O I ran all my communications past her and there wasn't anything to worry about, but nothing would requiet her. It was a madness. But I don't know if it was the same as your bf. Is it what they call a paranoid delusion? Anybody?

Somebody mentioned insecurity. You seem like an extravert. Was he introverted? That can lead to insecurity. Self-esteem helps, what was that like? If you feel deepdown that you're a tosser, you don't expect your partner would want to be faithful to you, or that you'll be able to replace them.

I'll look again at the story, because I can see some parallels with my own adventures with my first serious gf back in the early 1970s, though the outcome was better.


I think the thing with abusers is that they have typical behavior. It's not so much being an introvert or delusional, as many people can be introverted and delusional without abusing their partners. Trying to identify what exact personality traits an abuser has is very hard. Ultimately, it comes down to a set of characteristics and behaviors that past violent abusers have exhibited. It is merely a set of warning signs to help prevent the next victim from becoming more abused.

However, considering it might save one or one hundred lives, and considering the statistics on abusers who re-offend, it is vitally important to help abuse targets get safe.

An abuser can change, but it is a lot of work. It requires changing his view of women as well as his behavior. Counseling can help with that--individual counseling. Being single will also help, as an abuser has to choose to change of his own volition--and he/she cannot rely on the partner to do anything because he/she must choose to change themselves.



ToughDiamond
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22 Jun 2012, 3:24 am

BlueMax wrote:
Sheesh... "abuser" vs. "a person who displays many abusive traits" is all semantics. Is it really that large of an issue to you?

Yes it is an issue with me. I think it's an appalling thing to do, to label a person rather than focussing on their behaviour..



divineangel
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22 Jun 2012, 4:13 am

He did it again!! !! ! I recieved numerous texts from him yesterday evening in which he has written such derogatory statements about me. He has wallowed in selp pity and said things about me such as "i knew ppl used to tell me randome stuff about u, but i never believed them, u still cheated..I thought U WILL CHANGE, bu u DID NOT. ur ego, ur parties, ur anger and affairs..u will end up alone all ur life with this attitude of yours. I have done so much for you and u cheated on me right under my nose. I would not have even looked at your phone, but u had something to hide so u refused to show it to me. u live alone, keep ur parents dignity intact. thanks for cheating on me and making me realize that i cannot trust anyone. All your friends are fake. U go out with ur friends anytime. ur always avaialable. have some dignity. wnder what culture u have been brought up in."

I dont understand when i cheated and y wud I? I was so disturbed reading these texts i cried all nite. I never cheated on him .Is it so wrong to protect one's privacy!! I wud have had no trouble showing him my texts, but its unethical and abreach of privacy..Moreover it means there is no trust...he slapped me, but seems he has no remorse, its apparent;y all my fault according to him..if i stand up for whats right and rebuke him for trying to impose unrealistic possessive demands, then am an argumentative, disloyal girl. He abused my family background practically. i have chosen not te respond to him. ios it right?



divineangel
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22 Jun 2012, 4:22 am

ToughDiamond wrote:
Greatsharkbite wrote:
I agree if I have nothing to hide, check my texts, email, facebook account, wallet, closet, or whatever else but under the circumstances something is just VERY wrong with this guy.

Oh yes, wrong is the word. And according to my reading he could be more dangerous than I thought. Male jealousy can be very dangerous indeed, if it's sexual, which now I see it is. And I guess the label of "abuser" fits in the sense that he is a potential enemy on account of that and the driving and common assault incident. It probably would be best for the OP to avoid him completely, I think. Hope he doesn't fight that.

I'm just intrigued with exactly WHAT is wrong with him. Given that he's safely out of the picture, the "abuser" label tells me little. He obviously saw sexual rivalry danger everywhere it could conceivably have lurked, and he believed that you (divineangel) might be deceiving him. Desperately trying to make you sexually safe - lowering your hemlines to keep the predators off, making you keep your friends at bay, spot-monitoring your conversations.........obviously so preoccupied with protecting himself from this morbid fear, that he forgot all about your needs. I know what it's like to feel I daren't show any warmth towards anybody else because of a partner who actually kept telling me literally that all women are evil and will take any chance to steal men. 8O I ran all my communications past her and there wasn't anything to worry about, but nothing would requiet her. It was a madness. But I don't know if it was the same as your bf. Is it what they call a paranoid delusion? Anybody?

Somebody mentioned insecurity. You seem like an extravert. Was he introverted? That can lead to insecurity. Self-esteem helps, what was that like? If you feel deepdown that you're a tosser, you don't expect your partner would want to be faithful to you, or that you'll be able to replace them.

I'll look again at the story, because I can see some parallels with my own adventures with my first serious gf back in the early 1970s, though the outcome was better.


Yes he was trying to keep the predators off.. but he never prob understood that predators will appriach only if I am willing to let them. when i questioned him
"y dont u trust me".. his reply "i trust you, i Dont trust others". Now to me its the same thing as he does not trust me. I am 27, not a kid and know where to draw the line. I guess he did not trust me..period!! and where there is not trust, ther is always doubt. he was not as confident as I am. he is an extrovert, but then when it used to come to me being hid gf, all his ideas about modern living seemed to go for a toss.



minervx
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22 Jun 2012, 4:35 am

That guy is nuerotic, jealous, insecure and manipulative. All the red flags are right there.

I say end it now. Sure, you can wait a year, but you'll just get your heart broken then, and the damage will be a hundred times worse.

Never, under ANY circumstance, does a boyfriend or girlfriend have the right to suggest you remove friends off your facebook of any contact info.



The_Face_of_Boo
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22 Jun 2012, 4:38 am

Kick him in the balls.



ToughDiamond
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22 Jun 2012, 5:14 am

divineangel wrote:
I recieved numerous texts from him yesterday evening

I was afraid you might. He won't give up easily if you've broken up and got back together before. It's your choice, but if I were you I'd not talk to him at all. I just hope he doesn't make you feel stalked. And talk to local people about it so they know what's going on.



divineangel
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22 Jun 2012, 5:26 am

ToughDiamond wrote:
divineangel wrote:
I recieved numerous texts from him yesterday evening

I was afraid you might. He won't give up easily if you've broken up and got back together before. It's your choice, but if I were you I'd not talk to him at all. I just hope he doesn't make you feel stalked. And talk to local people about it so they know what's going on.


We have broken up in the past and got back togetehr. But this time, it was beyond anything. Physical abuse!! Apparently he wrote in the text that "by writing all this, i dont want anything from you, these sh***y thots were haunting me and i wanted to get them out of my head. Ver bad and sad our relationship ended this way. you always told me that the reason for our break up would not be coz of another man in your life.. but u lied, u have a man..goodbye and go get married and dont fool around. I dont have time for all this. Wonder y you ppl complicate your lives" 8O ......

I mean in all this, there ds not seem to be any moment where its hi fault at all!! ! He is ovewhelmed with the idea of me cheating on him, and not even remorseful about the slap he gave me.



ToughDiamond
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22 Jun 2012, 8:21 am

divineangel wrote:
I mean in all this, there ds not seem to be any moment where its hi fault at all!! ! He is ovewhelmed with the idea of me cheating on him, and not even remorseful about the slap he gave me.

Yep.....I guess he can't see his own behaviour because this sexual anxiety thing is occupying his entire mind. And once more drives you further away from him. Was there ever one particular guy who bothered him, or did he just pluck this out of thin air?



mv
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22 Jun 2012, 8:40 am

ALL OF THIS IS 100% ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR AND YES, THAT MAKES HIM AN ABUSER! I don't give a s**t about the semantics being thrown around on this board, they're frankly ridiculous and quite dangerous as they give the abuser an "out", a way to be not accountable for his actions. That's pathetic.

Absolutely don't have one other thing to do with this piece of s**t. This is not a person capable of love and as such, does not deserve it in return. Not from you. This person will only damage you. Block his modes of contact, even if it means changing your telephone number.

This is just horrifying stuff to read. I suggest you tell someone about all this, someone you're close to and who has your back. This stuff can rapidly escalate and someone needs to ensure your safety.

I know whereof I speak. I've worked with victims of abuse and have seen many, many types of abuse over the years. Manipulation is abuse. Gaslighting is abuse. Pure and simple. The fact that he laid hands on you is just gravy and is also, guess what? Abuse.



ToughDiamond
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22 Jun 2012, 9:32 am

divineangel wrote:
I guess he did not trust me..period!! and where there is not trust, ther is always doubt. he was not as confident as I am. he is an extrovert, but then when it used to come to me being hid gf, all his ideas about modern living seemed to go for a toss.

I think trust can be quite a complicated issue. Obviously he didn't trust you or he'd have believed you when you said you were talking to your mum. People often expect just to be trusted in relationships. I don't know why. As long as its communicated honestly, accurately and gently, I think if it's there then the couple had better know about it. It puts the untrusted one in a difficult position, but if you don't let it make you feel guilty, and engage with the distrusting one about their suspicions, and have the right kind of calm, adult conversation about it, well that gives it the best chance, and if that doesn't work, at least you know you're not to blame. It's so tempting to be glib and more or less dismiss their concerns, because they are often ludicrous........ then it's likely to come back and bite you both later.

So he was an extravert but not a very confident one........and once the sex started he flipped into a kind of puritanical mode, didn't bother so much with anybody except you?



Butters
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22 Jun 2012, 10:35 am

If I were you the best thing to do in this situation is cut him off completely, Dont answer any calls/text from him and remove and block him from your face book page. You did nothing wrong, don't blame yourself, He can not see his actions through his deluted thoughts. He isnt thinking clearly or logically by any means. Delete him from your life.

I'm sorry you went through this, I know it must be hard, but the best thing you can do for yourself is to cut him out of your life.
If you need anyone to talk to you can PM me, I've had friends that have went through this sort of thing several times. I'm here to help if you need it.



Lorann
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22 Jun 2012, 10:48 am

GET OUT NOW!
Don't reply. Change your numbers or whatever you have to do to get away. Tell friends and family that the two of you are through. Stay away from him. Involve law enforcement if he continues to pursue you.
My sister was killed in her home in front of her children by the man who 'loved' her. It happens everyday - don't let it happen to you.