Seeing all long-term relationships as fundamentally boring

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Aspie1
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14 Feb 2016, 1:48 pm

I (male) am at a point where the bulk of my friends are in relationships now. And I guess I made a big 180 from ten years ago: I DON'T WANT to be in a relationship, despite only having a modest success with women in general. I can't figure out how or why I got that idea, but I just view all long-term relationships as fundamentally boring and tedious. Even when I see coupled-up strangers who look happy, all I imagine in my own relationships is boredom and drudgery. No spontaneity (a skill that took me decades to learn), no finding fun in silly little things, no playing child-like road trip games while riding a train together, no going off on a wacky tangent in conversation, nothing; just a never-ending set of duties and obligations. For example: bringing your girlfriend along everywhere you go that's not work or errands, no matter how difficult it'll be, to make her feel "special" and "loved". (Although this may be the norm only among my friends.)

I don't have the same feelings toward vacation flings and even platonic friendships. I found myself engaging in silliest activities when I met a really fun girl on a cruise four years ago. One day in port, we were walking around (hand in hand, no less) on the plaza near the dock, and came upon a street musician. I tipped him $2 to play a specific song, and we started dancing to it, right on the plaza. Three more couples got in on the act, a la dance flash mob, surrounded by a small crowd of onlookers. Under no circumstances can I imagine a long-term girlfriend doing that with me. (Although truth be told, spontaneous dancing like this will look much weirder in an American downtown than in a Caribbean port of call.)

I know my feelings aren't "normal", but this is an aspie support site, so "normal" is relative. But does anyone else feel the same way about romantic relationships?



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14 Feb 2016, 3:24 pm

Don't be in a relationship. Easy-peasy solution to your problem.



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14 Feb 2016, 6:15 pm

Bring on the boredom.


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14 Feb 2016, 7:21 pm

I think it completely depends on whether the LTR you are in is with someone you are compatible with or not, that is what would determine whether the relationship were boring.

If you're really compatible with someone, being around them never becomes an obligation because your compatibility makes being around them enjoyable and desirable much of the time. Being autistic, there are always going to be times when we need to be alone, but all the rest of the time you would want to be with your SO if being with them makes you happy and energises you rather than stresses and tires you.

I find most socialising generally tiresome and draining because of the amount of anxiety it produces and how incompatible I am with many/most people. But when I find that rare person with whom I share a lot of interests, values, dreams, etc. I find being around them a very different experience than being around anyone else. I don't get bored of them, I don't get tired and drained being around them, because there is always someone new to discover together, something new to learn about the person that you didn't know before, something interesting to talk about. It's true that I have met few people like this in my life, but the rare time I have (whether it was a friendship relationship or a romantic one) I found all the time I spent with the other person extremely rewarding and pleasant.

I am always finding new books, new films, new songs that I really enjoy. If I know someone that shares similar tastes, I can always share my new discoveries with them. How could that ever be boring? On the other hand, if the person has very different tastes from me and I know they won't like what I like, there is no point talking about that stuff and I would get bored very quickly. So I think it all depends on how compatible you are with the person, whether you will get bored or not. If it's a relationship built on compatibility and shared interests and values, it never gets old. That's been my experience, anyway.


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14 Feb 2016, 9:14 pm

Strong couples figure out ways to beat the boredom. It is healthy for a couple to share some interests and to NOT share some interests. I need space from my husband and time to do my own thing. That gives us something to talk about when we do spend time together. Daily life is no more boring and mundane as a married person than as a single person. Everyone has to cook and do laundry and clean the house. These are the boring things.

Life with another person does not HAVE to be boring, though some people do get in ruts. It's important to make a point of trying new things. Maybe go to a new restaurant you haven't tried before. Or try a new activity. Read the same book together that is new to both of you. Go on a weekend away to a new place.

Some of these things may be hard for an Aspie who needs routine and sameness. But for an Aspie that tends toward boredom, variety is the spice of life as they say.



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15 Feb 2016, 12:57 pm

I suppose long-term relationships can be not-boring. (I can't bring myself to say "fun".) But when I hear the phrase "long-term relationship", all I imagine is wasting away evenings and weekends at snoozefest dinner parties, watching Lifetime at home, and being berated for making another little mistake. The notion of having fun with my girlfriend seems just so far out in the left field, that it might as well be written in Xhosa (an obscure African tribal language, related to the better-known Zulu.) Having a significant other provides security (although less so in today's world), comfort, and a guaranteed date for events that require one, but all I imagine in the relationship is boredom.

I suppose I know where these ideas came from: my friends, and something my grandmother once said. My two good friends all have girlfriends now, and they spend most weekends sitting at home or going to sedate house parties. Even when we hang out, we haven't done anything I'd consider "fun" in months. The guys say they're happy with that, and I try to restrain myself from projecting my feelings onto them, but if I had a relationship like theirs, I'd have broken up with her long time ago. Not to mention that both of my friends' girlfriends make me feel ill at ease, one more so than the other, with their general demeanor.

My grandmother once said this, when I tried to talk about the importance of shared interests in a relationship: "Forget about your interests! They're not important. You can live without them. What matters is how your and your significant other feel about each other." I KNEW right there and then, that if my girlfriend had no shared interests with me, I'd dump her and never look back, with no guilty conscience whatsoever. But arguing with an elderly person deeply set in their ways is oftentimes a lesson in frustration, so I just smiled and nodded. Needless to say, this somewhat misguided phrase completely turned me off the idea of ever being in a committed relationship.



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15 Feb 2016, 2:28 pm

If you are not a people person and prefer to do things alone then you will probably get into trouble in a relationship,
The other person can take offence when you prefer solitude



Last edited by slenkar on 15 Feb 2016, 2:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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15 Feb 2016, 2:33 pm

Why would it be difficult for a guy to bring his girlfriend along to activities that aren't chores or errands? My boyfriend prefers if he can take me everywhere with him...granted we can both enjoy activities apart but he thinks most things are more fun/pleasant with me around. But I suppose you need a girlfriend you genuinely enjoy time with to want them around that much, otherwise it could be obnoxious especially if there is too much clash of personality and interests.

I mean I think it would really depend on the girlfriend if they'd do silly things just for enjoyment with you or not. Some girls might think that kind of thing is stupid, some would be glad for a guy who isn't so serious all the time and can just have fun sometimes.


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Aspie1
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15 Feb 2016, 5:19 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:
Why would it be difficult for a guy to bring his girlfriend along to activities that aren't chores or errands?
...
I mean I think it would really depend on the girlfriend if they'd do silly things just for enjoyment with you or not.

It's not having her around that bothers me, it's the obligation to be joined at the hip ALL... THE... TIME. (Excluding work and errands, that is.) My friends are like that with their girlfriends, and it terrifies the daylights out of me. It took me 30 years to build up a persona that I enjoy having and the NT society at large enjoys having around. So the idea that one person can tear it all down in an instant makes me never want to be in relationship.

I guess seeing long-term relationships as boring has to do with viewing my girlfriend as an authority figure of sorts, rather than an equal partner. This is due to what my grandmother said: my interests don't matter at all, only "feelings" matter. Which means I have to forever abandon everything I enjoy to the sake of "the relationship". So I can never get drunk while watching a live baseball game, I can never take a flying lesson (it's dangerous), I can never act goofy and have fun. Instead, I ALWAYS have to be on my best behavior for my girlfriend. And the notion that me and her can go out drinking together (and take the train home, where we'd cuddle by the window) seems really inconceivable to me.



Last edited by Aspie1 on 15 Feb 2016, 5:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Sweetleaf
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15 Feb 2016, 5:34 pm

Aspie1 wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
Why would it be difficult for a guy to bring his girlfriend along to activities that aren't chores or errands?
...
I mean I think it would really depend on the girlfriend if they'd do silly things just for enjoyment with you or not.

It's not having her around that bothers me, it's the obligation to be joined at the hip ALL... THE... TIME. (Excluding work and errands, that is.) My friends are like that with their girlfriends, and it terrifies the daylights out of me. It took me 30 years to build up a persona that I enjoy having and the NT society at large enjoys having around. So the idea that one person can tear it all down in an instant makes me never want to be in relationship.

I guess seeing long-term relationships as boring has to do with viewing my girlfriend as an authority figure of sorts, rather than an equal partner. This is due to what my grandmother said: my interests don't matter at all, only "feelings" matter. Which means I have to forever abandon everything I enjoy to the sake of "the relationship". So I can never enjoy a fun night out drinking, I can never take a flying lesson, I can never act goofy and have fun. Instead, I ALWAYS have to be on my best behavior for my girlfriend. And the notion that me and her can go out drinking together (and take the train home, where we'd cuddle by the window) seems really inconceivable to me.


If you don't the feeling of being attached at the hip at all times then there certainly are girls out there who feel the same, maybe it works for your friends but doesn't mean it would be right for you. But not all girls are like that, and generally its not a good idea to change the things you like about yourself just to satisfy some girl...you have to look more for one who likes you as you are. But yeah sounds like its more clinginess that would bother you, not the company of having them around...I just remember my first relationship in college where it became rather obvious they didn't enjoy my company so much as just hooking up for intimate activity. So wasn't sure if you meant something like that or more having a clingy girlfriend.

I think your grandmother is wrong, and relationships don't have to be like you describe. I mean me and my boyfriend go out drinking together, we act goofy and have fun, but neither one of us are very uptight, rigid people...seems like your grandmother might be. I mean yeah if you date a rigid girl who doesn't like drinking or goofing around at all then yeah to keep her around you would have to be on your best behavior...but with someone more laid back it wouldn't be that way.


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15 Feb 2016, 6:48 pm

Aspie1 wrote:
I suppose long-term relationships can be not-boring. (I can't bring myself to say "fun".) But when I hear the phrase "long-term relationship", all I imagine is wasting away evenings and weekends at snoozefest dinner parties, watching Lifetime at home, and being berated for making another little mistake. The notion of having fun with my girlfriend seems just so far out in the left field, that it might as well be written in Xhosa (an obscure African tribal language, related to the better-known Zulu.) Having a significant other provides security (although less so in today's world), comfort, and a guaranteed date for events that require one, but all I imagine in the relationship is boredom.

I suppose I know where these ideas came from: my friends, and something my grandmother once said. My two good friends all have girlfriends now, and they spend most weekends sitting at home or going to sedate house parties. Even when we hang out, we haven't done anything I'd consider "fun" in months. The guys say they're happy with that, and I try to restrain myself from projecting my feelings onto them, but if I had a relationship like theirs, I'd have broken up with her long time ago. Not to mention that both of my friends' girlfriends make me feel ill at ease, one more so than the other, with their general demeanor.

My grandmother once said this, when I tried to talk about the importance of shared interests in a relationship: "Forget about your interests! They're not important. You can live without them. What matters is how your and your significant other feel about each other." I KNEW right there and then, that if my girlfriend had no shared interests with me, I'd dump her and never look back, with no guilty conscience whatsoever. But arguing with an elderly person deeply set in their ways is oftentimes a lesson in frustration, so I just smiled and nodded. Needless to say, this somewhat misguided phrase completely turned me off the idea of ever being in a committed relationship.


It's because you want a more adventurous and prosperous lifestyle.

You said it yourself that the only time you could find pleasure in spending time with another person of the opposite sex, was on a Carribbean cruise fling. I read another post you made on it - you danced together, had a lot of fun together, stood under the moonlight, etc. and she was the kind of woman you usually wouldn't be interested in.

My advice: Find a woman who likes backpacking. Backpacking and travelling around the world. One who doesn't just want a life of sitting around at home watching tv 'cuddling and talking' and going to quiet little dinner parties.

Though, of course, backpacking would also mean you'd have to let go of your own life. You can still be friends with your friends, but you'll probably lose a connection to them spending so much time away from them, even if you maintain contact.

But, from the sounds of it, for a while now, you've noticed their girlfriend's are taking up so much of their time, that they almost are fading out of your life anyway.

You can still remain contact with your family of course.

Of course, backpacking is difficult, you'd have to quit your job and find seasonal or cash-in-hand work wherever you travel to, it can be financially hard, etc.

What I suggest is to save up a reasonable sum for travelling, and practice first in a small range, maybe practice travelling to important locations of your own state first, then move up to the surrounding states, than eventually the country. It'll be trial and error and better with a friend or relative than solo.

I'm personally interested in travelling and backpacking myself, so excuse me for the enthusiasm and passion I have for it to suggest it.

You don't even have to backpack, but find a woman who values more 'adventurous' and 'fun' things to do in your own city. You definitely desire an extroverted crowd, in my humble opinion.



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16 Feb 2016, 9:13 pm

Outrider wrote:
It's because you want a more adventurous and prosperous lifestyle.

You said it yourself that the only time you could find pleasure in spending time with another person of the opposite sex, was on a Carribbean cruise fling. I read another post you made on it - you danced together, had a lot of fun together, stood under the moonlight, etc. and she was the kind of woman you usually wouldn't be interested in.

My advice: Find a woman who likes backpacking.
...
You don't even have to backpack, but find a woman who values more 'adventurous' and 'fun' things to do in your own city. You definitely desire an extroverted crowd, in my humble opinion.

Backpacking isn't an option for me. I have frequent dental problems, so being hundreds of miles from a dental clinic is a scary proposition. Even when I go on cruises, I hope and pray that I don't get a toothache/cavity/lost filling during my cruise, and pack multiple bottles of painkillers. (That I throw in the trash before debarkation, so the US Border Patrol, who tend to be scumbags, doesn't question me.) Not to mention I'm not as young as I used to be, so the poor sleep that often comes with backpacking will catch up with me real fast.

But you totally nailed it with one thing: I very much enjoy an adventurous lifestyle. Things like traveling, dangerous or unusual hobbies, exploring new neighborhoods, meeting new people, even silly things like riding my city's rail system to the remote branches just for fun. And of course, cruising. (By the way, one Carnival ship, the line I sailed with, moved to Australia a few years ago; I strongly recommend it.) If I can find a girlfriend who shares those interests with me, great. But somehow, I imagine my future girlfriend to be like my friends' girlfriends: snubs her nose at anything quirky, hates adventures, overly intellectual (imagine that coming from an aspie!), a homebody, and slightly abrasive.



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17 Feb 2016, 1:51 pm

Then don't settle down with a girl like that. Only enter into a relationship with someone you feel that you can be yourself with. If it feels like being with her is a chore, end it.

At first I thought this thread was going to annoy me, but I can see where you are coming from. What you means is: Other people's relationships are not what you want. Be bold and find what you want. Don't just do what other people are doing. Find someone that YOU want to share your life with.

I'm sure there are women out there thinking the exact same thing. The trick is finding one of them.



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18 Feb 2016, 5:44 am

I'm pretty much opposite in outlook to you (overly intellectual, a homebody, and slightly abrasive is my kinda lady!), but when I went looking all I could seem to find was outgoing, adventurous women who liked Doing Things and Going Places. Bias confirmation, and all that.

There's been some good advice here, but I'll just throw in that your model of what a long term relationship is is obviously drawn from a narrow definition that wouldn't work for you. There'll be women out there who feel the same. I'm all for experiments in living - make your own definition.


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18 Feb 2016, 10:59 pm

I agree with the OP, in the sense that I find the process of getting to know someone to be the interesting part of a relationship. Well, at least that's true in my mind, since unfortunately I've never been IN a relationship. I imagine that once I get to know someone, and she ceases to be such a "mystery", that I will be attracted to someone else who just seems "new and exciting".

To respond to another poster's suggestion to the OP, not everyone who likes variety and newness intellectually or romantically likes backpackers/travel types. I know I don't. I'm very much a person who likes life to be built around a "scaffolding" of routine and familiarity--while I like exploring places, I also don't like to leave my comfort zone for long periods of time. The last thing I want is a girl who can't stay put and stop buzzing around like a busy bee.

I'd like sort of a female equivalent of Dr. Seuss--someone who mentally goes lots of interesting, creative, and sometimes silly places, but all while sitting in her room (or mine).

Hopper wrote:
I'm pretty much opposite in outlook to you (overly intellectual, a homebody, and slightly abrasive is my kinda lady!), but when I went looking all I could seem to find was outgoing, adventurous women who liked Doing Things and Going Places. Bias confirmation, and all that.


Yes, it seems like every profile I see on OKCupid is like this--all about traveling, going to this event and that. It gets really old and discouraging after a while.



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19 Feb 2016, 1:11 am

You know, my aversion to long-term relationships and attraction to flings or even platonic friendships with women reminds me of a beautiful thread on here. It talked about "two kinds of love": viewtopic.php?f=6&t=280073. The first kind is about playfulness, adventures, and exploration. It can be illustrated by the song "All Summer Long" by Kid Rock. The main question asked is: "If we ride this rail line out to the last station, what's out there, and will we catch the last train back in time?" The second kind is about deep sharing, intimacy, and commitment; it can be illustrated by the song "When a Man Loves a Woman" by Percy Sledge. The main question asked is: "What's your deepest fear about us and our future, and what color tile should we use in the kitchen?" The first kind intrigues me and energizes me; it's when my feelings can and have run wild! (Like with my cruise girl example.) The second kind terrifies me to no end; the only feeling running wild is pure, unadulterated FEAR. (Like with my next potential relationship.)

Even when a relationship is new (first month or so), and by extension, still has a feeling of discovery to it, the potential of the relationship becoming serious frightens me a lot. To the point of avoiding having sex, so I don't give her an impression of a relationship, that will eventually turn into an endless series of boring obligations. I'm at a point where if a woman tells me "she didn't feel a connection/chemistry" after the first date, I feel happily relieved, rather than bitter.

Again, here's the link: viewtopic.php?f=6&t=280073. It was a beautiful thread while it lasted.