How do you "Get Confidence?"

Post Reply New Topic

This is something that has been eating at me for the past few days...

I know I need to be "more confident," if I want girls to actually agree to go out with me, but this seems impossible to pull off.

It is like there is some innate quality within me that does not allow me to be confident.

It feels like even if I have a successful personal life in some areas, those successes do not translate into me being able to put on a show of confidence (which girls look for).

Telling someone to "get confidence" feels like such generic advice, especially when it feels like some people are just blessed with "swagger" and the natural ability to chat people up.

^ Yeah, my thoughts have always been anxious and nervous no matter how well things have been going for me in other aspects of my life.

I try and talk to lots and lots of girls, but they instantly clue in to the fact that I have no confidence, and they turn off from me.

It is as if they have a very strong social radar that instantly picks up on my lack of swagger.

It seems as if VERY strong social skills are the ultimate prerequisite for guys in this highly-evolved society.

Keep saying "me so great" like 100 times before you go to sleep every night. Maybe you'll start to actually believe it, and then so will chicks.

^ I think it is not more what I say, but "how I say it." + my body language, posture, tone of voice, etc....

I also really don't know how to "flirt" or make small-talk...

The thing is that I DO actually enjoy doing "the little things" to build up to a relationship, but I suck at doing them and I don't know the exact "right thing" to do in a situation.

Sometimes it feels to me like I was just born to naturally be un-confident and inhibited, while other Type-A individuals are naturally charismatic, suave, magnets for girls.

When I talk to girls, I just try and make chit-chat, but it seems to always come out "wrong." I also try and discuss more substantial things too.

I am 28 and have never dated. No girl has ever agreed to go out with me.

The first step toward gaining confidence is learning not to fear failure. Start there.

(to wa5p):do you have female friends?

No, I don't really have any female friends (or male friends) for that matter....

I have some waitresses I know at various restaurants, but that is it. I try chatting them up sometimes.

A big part of my problem is that I have a very small social circle, which makes it pretty much impossible for me to be introduced to new acquaintences...... (friends setting me up with their friends, etc).....

I never go out and "party."

The way that I became confident was largely spiritual (believing in my innate value in God's eyes), but part of it was also through introspection.

I identified my strengths and positive qualities-- for instance, I am kind, intelligent, beautiful, passionate, focused, assertive, honest, and compassionate. I focus on those things and on further developing those traits. Focusing on my strengths rather than my shortcomings has helped me to be both happier and more confident. That's not to say that I don't confront my struggles and weaknesses when they come up-- I absolutely do. But there's no sense in borrowing trouble-- why spend all of my time thinking about my negatives when that does me no good and just serves to inundate me with angst, self-loathing, and insecurity?

So that was my big turn around in the personal realm-- focusing on my positives until I realized that I really am a good, lovable person.

^Self love & appreciation is definitely a key component to being self confident.

Of all the books I've read on various self help topics, I'd say the single best piece of advice I gleaned from one of them was to treat yourself as good or better as you do others you love. Very simple, but very profound. I contemplated this for quite some time and have since implemented it. Sometimes if I'm feeling a bit low, I think back to this advice and these thoughts and start having much better thoughts about myself. I think about how much I love my closest and best friends, my God children etc & remind myself of my capacity to love - and that I am equally deserving of that very same love that I am so easily willing to show others. Then I think some pretty wonderful and amazing thoughts about myself and instantly feel better for it, because thoughts dictate emotions & emotions dictate actions.. so, once I'm thinking better, I feel better, and once I feel better, my actions are better - and come across as a whole lot more confident to those around me.. because they are.

_________________
No for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.

^ I can't disagree with any of that.....

Unfortunately for me, things like finding love, entering into a relationship, and having children, seem to be things on a higher plane than what I am capable of achieving under my own power. These things seem to be beyond the ceiling of what my intellect or (more likely) my social skills will let me achieve.

I don't know if this makes sense or not.

At times I feel as if no one could possibly love me.

I don't think I really have obvious qualities that are innately repelling either.... This is kind of exactly what happens to me; Sometimes a girl will even show initial interest in me and start chatting with me. It won't be long, however, until she realizes how odd and different I really am, and then she gets put off when it becomes clear I am not apt for "boyfriend material."

It makes sense. I've felt like all of that in the past. I'm sure most of us on here have felt similarly, if not so much so the same that any one of us could have written your post.

It's truly only in the last handful of months or so that I'm feeling genuinely different, and better, about all of these things after figuring out a diet & natural treatment protocol that's worked wonders for me. My story & the diet/treatment protocol I've been following are in the link in my signature. Read it if you like & feel free to pm me if you'd care to discuss it.

_________________
No for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.