Page 1 of 1 [ 13 posts ] 

Anngables
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Jan 2016
Gender: Female
Posts: 514
Location: Uk

18 Apr 2016, 4:57 pm

So my Aspie friend and I continue to work hard to have a very special friendship. However we still have communication issues. Today I asked my Aspie if he cared about me . . .. . His answer "you need to seriously ask yourself why you need to ask such dumb questions" is it a dumb question? He feels that if he didn't care he wouldn't do the things he does for me



wilburforce
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 13 Sep 2014
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,940

18 Apr 2016, 5:19 pm

Anngables wrote:
So my Aspie friend and I continue to work hard to have a very special friendship. However we still have communication issues. Today I asked my Aspie if he cared about me . . .. . His answer "you need to seriously ask yourself why you need to ask such dumb questions" is it a dumb question? He feels that if he didn't care he wouldn't do the things he does for me


Although the tone of his response was rather clumsy and rude, is it possible he meant that you should judge how he feels for you based on how he treats you rather than his words about his feelings? Many people with autism struggle with expressing their feelings in words--it's very difficult for a lot of us for a variety of reasons. Also, I have personally noticed in life that a person's character is much more accurately judged by their actions than by their words; by this I mean that people often lack self-awareness and don't have a very accurate idea of who they really are and how they feel about things, so how they describe themselves to you might not be an accurate representation of what sort of person they really are, and because of this discrepancy it's much easier to gauge a person by simply observing their behaviour. It's their behaviour that tells you who they really are.

Is it possible your guy was trying to tell you that the fact that he wants to be around you and how he treats you should tell you everything you need to know about how he feels about you? If that is the case he could have worded it better--but like I said, expressing our feelings in this way in words face-to-face with people can be very challenging for those of us on the spectrum.

I would suggest simply asking him what he meant by what he said, because I get the feeling that he just tried to express a genuine care for you in a very clumsy way, and if that is the case maybe he can be prevailed upon to express similar feelings in future with a little more consideration and without unintentionally implying you are stupid in the process.

I could be wrong, however. Does he have a history of speaking to you really rudely and inconsiderately without remorse when it is pointed out to him? If this is the sort of thing he says to you regularly it's always possible that he's just an a-hole--but if he is generally polite and decent to you then I would ask him about it and give him the chance to explain what he meant.


_________________
"Ego non immanis, sed mea immanis telum." ~ Ares, God of War

(Note to Moderators: my warning number is wrong on my profile but apparently can't be fixed so I will note here that it is actually 2, not 3--the warning issued to me on Aug 20 2016 was a mistake but I've been told it can't be removed.)


Anngables
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Jan 2016
Gender: Female
Posts: 514
Location: Uk

18 Apr 2016, 5:33 pm

He is generally very kind, thoughtful and sweet in his responses. He was clear when I questioned him that it was the question he thinks is dumb not me. He says he is frustrated because he feels he has told me many times before that he wouldn't do the things he does if he didn't care. I have tried to say that I am different, and he may think it's peculiar but I need reassurance at times. . .. . . . He is very stubborn! He does buy me many gifts. He texts me every day, many times a day. If there is something I am upset about I can tell he really wants to help me feel better. He also remembered when I had mentioned my favourite flowers, next time we met he had bought me a bunch . .. . . .. But he does get annoyed and frustrated with me when I try to ask him to quantify our relationship in some way



kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 87,510
Location: Queens, NYC

18 Apr 2016, 5:51 pm

It's frustrating for me, too, when I'm asked that question. My response is "isn't it obvious that I care about you?"

I do understand how you feel; you want a kind of reassurance. This is something which does not come natural to Aspie men (and, perhaps, to men in general).

But please understand that Aspie men are not so good at expressing affection in a manner which is satisfactory to a woman who craves "the little things."

I've been told, by a few woman, that I'm "missing something." It's quite disconcerting to be told this. Much of this was before Asperger's was a well-known entity.

I get the feeling that you have to sort of "bite the bullet" on this, and accept the man for who he is.



wilburforce
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 13 Sep 2014
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,940

18 Apr 2016, 5:55 pm

Anngables wrote:
He is generally very kind, thoughtful and sweet in his responses. He was clear when I questioned him that it was the question he thinks is dumb not me. He says he is frustrated because he feels he has told me many times before that he wouldn't do the things he does if he didn't care. I have tried to say that I am different, and he may think it's peculiar but I need reassurance at times. . .. . . . He is very stubborn! He does buy me many gifts. He texts me every day, many times a day. If there is something I am upset about I can tell he really wants to help me feel better. He also remembered when I had mentioned my favourite flowers, next time we met he had bought me a bunch . .. . . .. But he does get annoyed and frustrated with me when I try to ask him to quantify our relationship in some way


Maybe you need to ask yourself why hearing the words is more important to you than being treated with love? I mean, if he is a loving and considerate guy then what are you complaining about just because he has trouble saying the words that convey the same message that his behaviour does? Have you done any research or reading about autism spectrum disorders? I think you might benefit from that if not--I have already explained that communicating in person in the verbal way you seem to need is something that is very challenging for most people on the spectrum. Try to have a little empathy for his point of view and to appreciate the way he treats you--he is communicating to you every day that he cares for you by treating you in a loving way. Learn to listen to the way he communicates.

Edited for spelling.


_________________
"Ego non immanis, sed mea immanis telum." ~ Ares, God of War

(Note to Moderators: my warning number is wrong on my profile but apparently can't be fixed so I will note here that it is actually 2, not 3--the warning issued to me on Aug 20 2016 was a mistake but I've been told it can't be removed.)


Anngables
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Jan 2016
Gender: Female
Posts: 514
Location: Uk

18 Apr 2016, 5:57 pm

Thank you for your answers . . .. . .. I agree I need to "get over this" it just continues to trip me up when I feel insecure . . .. . .he has been constantly texting me and very caring and sweet since our disagreement. I feel horrible if I have upset him. I always reassure him I don't want him to change a single thing . .. . . .and it's true . . .. . . .apart from maybe an occasional reassuring comment!!



Anngables
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Jan 2016
Gender: Female
Posts: 514
Location: Uk

18 Apr 2016, 6:00 pm

wilburforce wrote:
Anngables wrote:
He is generally very kind, thoughtful and sweet in his responses. He was clear when I questioned him that it was the question he thinks is dumb not me. He says he is frustrated because he feels he has told me many times before that he wouldn't do the things he does if he didn't care. I have tried to say that I am different, and he may think it's peculiar but I need reassurance at times. . .. . . . He is very stubborn! He does buy me many gifts. He texts me every day, many times a day. If there is something I am upset about I can tell he really wants to help me feel better. He also remembered when I had mentioned my favourite flowers, next time we met he had bought me a bunch . .. . . .. But he does get annoyed and frustrated with me when I try to ask him to quantify our relationship in some way


Maybe you need to ask yourself why hearing the words is more important to you than being treated with love? I mean, if he is a loving and considerate guy then what are you complaining about just because he has trouble saying the words that convey the same message that his behaviour does? Have you done any research or reading about autism spectrum disorders? I think you might benefit from that if not--I have already explained that communicating in person in the verbal way you seem to need is something that is very challenging for most people on the spectrum. Try to have a little empathy for his point of view and to appreciate the way he treats you--he is communicating to you every day that he cares for you by treating you in a loving way. Learn to listen to the way he communicates.

Edited for spelling.


I am trying I promise . .. . . That is why I am here . . .. . And I have apologised to him, and he said I have nothing to apologise for. Why do I yearn to hear the words? I guess because that has been the way people have usually communicated with me. However I am trying, learning and adapting.



kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 87,510
Location: Queens, NYC

18 Apr 2016, 6:02 pm

Please don't feel bad, Anna.

Aspies can be a trip! LOL



Anngables
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Jan 2016
Gender: Female
Posts: 514
Location: Uk

18 Apr 2016, 6:05 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
Please don't feel bad, Anna.

Aspies can be a trip! LOL


Thank you. . .. . It's a great trip though never boring.



kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 87,510
Location: Queens, NYC

18 Apr 2016, 6:13 pm

Please try not to get too mad at him if he forgets your birthday or something.

But do remind him when your birthday is.



Anngables
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Jan 2016
Gender: Female
Posts: 514
Location: Uk

18 Apr 2016, 6:16 pm

He forgets many things. . . .. I used to think that meant he didn't care. I know better now. He has asked me several times when my birthday is. I'm sure he will forget again, that really doesn't worry me. . . . :D



Dayloco
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

Joined: 18 Apr 2016
Gender: Male
Posts: 5
Location: New Zealand

18 Apr 2016, 9:11 pm

It sort of is a dumb question if you already know the answer. However I can tell you care about him and you just wanted to hear it from him again, am I right? Did it ever come to your mind that you could be developing feelings for this person?


_________________
Dating and Relationship Guides: http://date-guides.com


Anngables
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Jan 2016
Gender: Female
Posts: 514
Location: Uk

19 Apr 2016, 1:41 am

Dayloco wrote:
It sort of is a dumb question if you already know the answer. However I can tell you care about him and you just wanted to hear it from him again, am I right? Did it ever come to your mind that you could be developing feelings for this person?


If I think logically I know the answer . . .. . But as an NT when I'm feeling insecure and a bit low I wanted the reassurance of hearing him say it. It just seems very strange to me that he isn't able to do so . . .. But I have read many articles and books on understanding aspergers so again logically I understand he is not being stubborn and unreasonable . . .. . But my emotions get in the way. Yes I do have feelings for this man