What do arguments mean?

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Someone asked me recently if I have a problem with people having a different opinion to me. My answer - absolutely not. Because if we can discuss it in depth, I can learn something from their perspective.
But what are arguments for? Recently I've been putting up with someone who wants to argue with me about everything and nothing. Things that are too incredibly petty to argue about, and I can't help but suspect there is some other reason for it that I'm not understanding, because no one in their right mind would argue about issues this petty on this constant a basis. What might someone mean to communicate if they insist on creating endless arguments over nothing, constantly? If there is nothing to argue over, they make things up? Unfortunately it's not one of those circumstances I can question. You're not supposed to say "excuse me, but what do you subliminally mean to communicate to me by all these constant, trivial attacks? If you could just spit it out and say what you really mean, that would be easier to resolve."
I'm definitely not interested in conflict with people, so I'm wary about saying anything like that in case this person just wants to fight (which I have been told people actually do) but my alternative is just to avoid the person completely. When I get caught however, I have no idea how to respond to their constant gripes because I don't understand the reason for the behaviour.

The hardest thing to do with people who are starting arguments with you is to walk away. Nothing you say can make them see things from another point of view. They just want to feed off of negativity.

See now that's a fascinating idea I don't understand at all. How can someone feed off negativity? Negativity is awful. As far as I'm aware most people tend to think so. Maybe I'm simplistic in that way, but I find harmony and peace and smooth, mutually beneficial cohesive coexistence much better. What can possibly be gained out of being unpleasant, especially for no conceivable purpose?

I always thought an argument meant to disagree. So when you disagree and say your opinion on something, it's an argument. I have always been accused of being argumentative so I have figured out not everyone likes to hear an opinion that is different than theirs. They can express theirs but they don't want to hear mine which is a double standard.

If anyone is interested I asked some advice. The long-suffering therapist explained that arguments rarely have a functional goal, which is why I don't understand. An argument is apparently not there for any reasonable purpose, such as to solve a problem or communicate information. He believes arguments are the result of an emotional affront - someone feels as if their opinions are not being respected or takes a difference of opinion as a personal insult. I asked what this odd behaviour of picking and picking over nothing is for, and he responded that often, people who display this behaviour are avoiding talking about a deeper problem. I still didn't understand, if such is the case, why attempting to pick fights is a logical next step from avoiding talking about a deeper issue - if I was trying to avoid talking about something, I'd simply shut up. He then told me that many people who display the behaviour do so because they are unhappy with their position in life, and want others to be unhappy too - "ever hear the expression misery loves company?" Which I have, and predictably don't understand. If I'm unhappy, I generally do something to cheer myself up, and prefer to be around people who are upbeat so it might rub off on me.
Someone else told me that this person is a control freak who was deriving some kind of emotional validation or pleasure out of dominating me - by picking the fights, they influenced my behaviour and made me respond in the way they wanted, which gave them pleasure. I find that difficult to believe, as any individual's response to stimuli would be impossible to predict faultlessly, so they risk an adverse reaction from the person if they responded in a way they didn't intend, which would not give them the satisfaction they wanted.
I'm still confused and I have removed the person from my life so the issue is null, but it may come up again sometime, and if like to have some idea.

Good analysis. I agree with this. You have a smart therapist.




I've known people who do this and I think they are not averse to that type of risk the same way people like us would be. They have a kind of arrogance that makes them feel like they are going to get their way no matter what. And even if they get what they "want" out of it, it will still backfire on them in some way but they don't realize that. They just don't think it through. No matter what the outcome is, they never really get the satisfaction they want, because they don't know what they really want. These people are typically their own worst enemies.

Some possible (bad) motives for arguments:

1. Just wants to make casual conversation, but is bad at it. You might try the "pass the bean dip" technique (respond briefly and neutrally, then change the subject).

2. Wants to have a legitimate debate, but is bad at it. I've seen people (even once on this site) opine that saying something offensive and factually incorrect is a good way to start a discussion, after they were called out on it. The fact that those discussions weren't very good didn't seem to dissuade those people. Not sure what to do about them.

3. Thinks those things are important, even if you think they are petty and meaningless. Personally, if I weren't so socially anxious and non-confrontational, I'd start soooo many arguments with my coworkers over things like their mean comments about mentally ill people. Another cause of this could be because they're drawing weird connections between things (stereotyping, I guess). They may be arguing against A because they think anyone in favor of A is also in favor of B, and it's B that actually matters. Maybe you completely agree with them regarding B, but you'll never know because they're not actually talking about B.

4. Just wants to feel like they're at the top of the pecking order. I wonder what would happen if you expressed agreement with all their stupid complaints?

5. They have such bad social skills they don't know how to not start arguments.

Aside from the above poster, there are some people that always have to be right and therefore, they have to argue. These people don't like to shut up and always feel the need to get the last word in.

I have a suspicion this may have been a big part of this person's motivation. They were an extremely domineering and selfish individual, who always seemed to believe concessions should be made to accommodate them. It's also likely, if this was the underlying cause of their behaviour, I completely did not understand as I think someone mentioned, autistics seem to be oblivious to social hierarchies. They may have felt I was challenging their self-regarded position as top of the ladder by my simple unwillingness to comply.
Interestingly, another tenant did agree with this person's complaints and acquiesced to their demands, to which they responded by completely taking advantage of and using the other person (in my view).
Also interestingly, when I complied with one of their demands myself in order to keep the peace just before I moved, they also sniped and complained about the fact that I had done as they asked. It follows no logical, analytical, sensible or cohesive manner of thought. And they tell me I'm socially inept.