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undecided
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06 Apr 2006, 2:13 am

"Having Asperger's Syndrome means you may not have great social skills, but that doesn't mean you can't learn them! Discuss friendship and social skills here!"

Well, that's what I'm here for. Learning. I've read a lot about characteristics of people with AS and I can safely say I exhibit all of them, especially inappropriate body language and speech. Unfortunately, I've also realized I can't interpret body language or hidden meanings behind most speech. This has led me to question the reality of my friendships. I never really thought that some of my "friends" were not my friends, but just people who made fun of me and due to my lack of comprehension I never figured out they were. However, at the same time, some of those same friends who I question have been there for me when I needed them most. It's definitely tough to figure out...

Anyway, how have others coped with it? I've noticed a lot of people here believe that they shouldn't address it as a problem and instead remain isolated and successfully apply their interests. I'm the exactly opposite. I view social interaction as a very important part of my life; whether or not I'm good at it is a different question. I'm planning on learning on how to act in socially acceptable ways, starting with learning and applying body language and eye contact techniques. Any suggestions from there?



edgey123
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06 Apr 2006, 6:54 am

Autism and Aspergers is about having a high desire to communicate but little ability to do so.

We also have to make sure we do not appear to eager and jump into friendships by telling others our weknesses, only to be taken advantage of later. :oops:

We also have to not be to trusting of others that we don't know, unfortunately we tend to be too open with newcomers.



Jacob_Landshire
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06 Apr 2006, 8:33 am

undecided wrote:
Anyway, how have others coped with it? I've noticed a lot of people here believe that they shouldn't address it as a problem and instead remain isolated and successfully apply their interests.



I can relate to that. I've spent the last ten years trying to build relationships, but to no avail. It was so pathetic. Almost all my interactions would eventually end in uncomfortable situations. Its only recently that I found out about aspergers.

The fundamentals behind social interaction are quite interesting. The front page of this site has an excellent link regarding small talk:www.wrongplanet.net/article318.html
That article explains concepts that I would probably have never figured out on my own.

The difficulty is in applying this type of insight to one's own behavior. Normal people don't contemplate the dynamics of communication because they don't have to. For them talking is just simple instinct that doesn't require any special knowledge or attention. Trying to develop an impaired instinct may not be as rewarding as the effort would seem to merit.

So I'm going to follow the example of those aspies that focus on their interests and not try to be someone they are not disposed to be. People can learn and apply new concepts for sure. There is probably a few success stories out there about aspies applying new techniques that work. It just seems to me that they would be the exception rather than the rule.

Anyhow best of luck undecided. I hope you turn out to be the exception.



undecided
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06 Apr 2006, 4:03 pm

I've read pretty much every article and response by GroovyDruid and that has helped dramatically. It's been only three days, but I've started to pay more attention to others' interactions with people. It feels as if I've been blinded my entire life.

The way I see it, the problem for people with AS isn't that they're unable to comprehend body language and speech, but rather they don't. To do so requires an immense amount of concentration and it's easy to lose that concentration when the situation changes. From interpreting unconscious body movement to analyzing every word spoken, I've realized it's something we can't do easily. Our motions and words conflict and are often abnormal. I still don't really know how to act, but I've been paying more attention to everything I do and say. For example, I never even noticed I crossed my arms or put my hands in my pockets as much as I do. I also rarely face the person directly and avoid all eye contact. No wonder I've always been thought of as "weird", even though only now I realize that it wasn't just a joking comment but their actual interpretation of me.

I'm very intrigued in any comprehensive analysis of everyday situations and the body language that accompanies it. GroovyDruid has done an excellent job but addresses the initiation aspects more. I'm more interested in "acceptable" behavior among established friends, coworkers, acquaintances, etc.

Any suggestions for resources? By the way, I understand there are some good books, but I'm more interested in online resources. I rather not have my AS made public just yet (especially to people who don't know me and I rdon't want people who do know me to realize I'm aware) and a book on body language will definitely raise some flags.



edgey123
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06 Apr 2006, 6:34 pm

try this guide undecided. http://www.asperger-marriage.info/survguide/chapter0.html

It was written by an English Aspie called Mark Segar who sadly died in 1997 at the age of 23 but it's very logical and it's in small bite sized chunks too! :)



moomin
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07 Apr 2006, 6:24 pm

i keep myself to myself alot. I've only got a few people i consider to be my friends, and they are happy with not seeing me that often. I think as you get older, people get into relationships so they don't notice that they haven't seen you for weeks!
my friendships have taken a couple of years befre i considered them to be friends.
I just assume people aren't interested in me being their friend, and if they continue to call me/ hang around then i figure they must like me!
does that make any sense? i'm tired



larsenjw92286
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07 Apr 2006, 7:40 pm

Oh, my gosh!

Can I ever relate to this topic!

Sometimes, I feel the need to stay in one position, 90% of the time unsettled, because I cannot adapt to social life. I never ever act like any situation is none of my business.

Other people feel the urge to say, "Why did you tell me something in addition to other people?"

I'm tempted to say "Because I care." I want to give someone the same respect that I would give any of my other peers because they are all very similar.

I have been lucky enough to meet some very nice people in my life.

However, they don't always have time for me because they are busy with other things. They think, "Why would you mention one little thing when I don't always have time for you anyway?"

That is my way of adapting to social situations. I bet someone else can tell another interesting story.


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