Socialising good one week ignored the next

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abc123
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24 Nov 2011, 3:36 pm

I can't understand it. The other week I seemed to be getting on well with people and doing social things. They seem to like me and it is going well. This week I feel alone and like none of them would contact me if I didn't contact them. I could ask them to do something but don't think they would invite me. I got some presents/cards for 2 people's birthdays and got invited for a drink both times but felt they would never have invited me if I hadn't turned up with a present. It is the same people so why do they seem like friends one week and the next don't seem to notice I exist or ever contact me? I can do initial socialising but it just fades out and I don't know why. :(

One friend went with me to look at a horse and it was a big thing for me and she said she would walk with me as enjoyed walking. I have asked her about 3 times and she has not shown any enthusiasm and don't think she will do it. She offered-I didn't ask. We go to a fitness class and going round with a present prompted her to ask me for a drink and if I was going to this class.
There is a friend who says she has an open house and doesn't mind me messaging her and going round. The only things she invites me to are official things and she only says maybe if we invite her to something. She has cancelled/forgotten the things I have organised. She seems friendly when I see her.



AardvarkGoodSwimmer
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24 Nov 2011, 7:38 pm

abc123 wrote:
. . . One friend went with me to look at a horse and it was a big thing for me and she said she would walk with me as enjoyed walking. I have asked her about 3 times and she has not shown any enthusiasm and don't think she will do it. . .

That kind of stuff perplexes me, too.

Maybe she meant it at the time. And maybe later on, she realized she was busy with other things and it just wasn't a priority? And then perhaps she didn't have the social skill to say, I know I mentioned walking but I just have so much going on right now . . . (NTs lack social skills, too, of course they do!)

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Something else that's confuses me. Is someone just using me as a father confessor so to speak because I'm an excellent listener, or do they think I'm potential friendship material because we have things in common? I have a heck of a hard time telling one from the other.



rastachucker
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26 Nov 2011, 9:18 pm

I cannot offer any help but I can certainly understand and empathize with you. As I just recently move into this house with a couple of roommates they are nice people and when we where getting to know each other it was wonderful I felt fully accepted and like maybe I had found a family at last. As mine kind ditched me for the aspie with a side of behavior problems thing. Now it it almost two weeks later and the woman who had no problem cooking for me in the beginning has not offer me breakfast in the last three days and barely said a word to me and her boyfriend barely seems to say hello when we where having such nice conversations early on and seemed to be hitting it off with both of them. Now I just feel like I have over stayed my welcome and that they go out there way to avoid me.

I also know if I where to ask it would be some excuses as to why without the truth ever really coming out. I HATE IT!! !! ! I wish we lived in a world like on that movie called the invention of lying because then there be no more of these guessing games and crap like that I would know right where I stand with people. The movie sucked but the world they wrote was tailor made for an aspie like me.



Asp-Z
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26 Nov 2011, 10:05 pm

NTs are strange, and indeed, unlike us Aspies, many of them will like someone one week and randomly dislike them the next week for no real reason. It's not something you should take personally, it's just that many NTs see their group of friends more like fashion accessories than anything else. It's pathetic TBH.



MrObvious
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27 Nov 2011, 12:58 pm

One thng my wife says is that you gotta talk about what the other person wants to talk about, not what your interests are. And you gotta ask them what they wanna talk about. I would imagine doing it gracefully is an art we all have to learn.



OliveOilMom
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27 Nov 2011, 2:02 pm

One thing that I've noticed is that friendships wax and wane. Sometimes you like to hang out togeter a lot, then other times it's a few weeks seeing each other or talking. I know that I have been guilty of making my new friend a "special interest" sort of, and wanting to be with them constantly. Or at least a lot. This gets to be a little much for most people.

Then again, I go through phases where I don't want anything to do with anybody other than my immediate family.

I think everybody goes through that, NT's and us.

Frances



vickypollard
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28 Nov 2011, 3:38 pm

rastachucker wrote:
I cannot offer any help but I can certainly understand and empathize with you. As I just recently move into this house with a couple of roommates they are nice people and when we where getting to know each other it was wonderful I felt fully accepted and like maybe I had found a family at last. As mine kind ditched me for the aspie with a side of behavior problems thing. Now it it almost two weeks later and the woman who had no problem cooking for me in the beginning has not offer me breakfast in the last three days and barely said a word to me and her boyfriend barely seems to say hello when we where having such nice conversations early on and seemed to be hitting it off with both of them. Now I just feel like I have over stayed my welcome and that they go out there way to avoid me.

I also know if I where to ask it would be some excuses as to why without the truth ever really coming out. I HATE IT!! !! ! I wish we lived in a world like on that movie called the invention of lying because then there be no more of these guessing games and crap like that I would know right where I stand with people. The movie sucked but the world they wrote was tailor made for an aspie like me.


I have the same thing! I've been living on campus since September this year and people continue to baffle me every day. A guy I had some good conversations with and who was really nice to me (we even watched a movie together) completely ignores me now, I've barely seen him around. When I do see him I try to be nice, say hello, make some sort of joke but he just doesn't really respond. Also, my neighbour from across the hallway constantly has people over and it has me wondering how she makes so many friends so fast while I don't. What am I doing wrong?! I don't get it. Why can't everyone just say it when they don't feel like having a conversation instead of making me feel like an alien?



abc123
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29 Nov 2011, 11:12 am

OliveOilMom wrote:
One thing that I've noticed is that friendships wax and wane. Sometimes you like to hang out togeter a lot, then other times it's a few weeks seeing each other or talking. I know that I have been guilty of making my new friend a "special interest" sort of, and wanting to be with them constantly. Or at least a lot. This gets to be a little much for most people.

Then again, I go through phases where I don't want anything to do with anybody other than my immediate family.

I think everybody goes through that, NT's and us.

Frances

Hmm if I see a lot of someone I expect it to continue in the same way. Maybe they are a special interest. I get quite jealous if they meet other people if we have met up a few times in a week and seem to be getting on well, then find them doing the same things with other people and cutting contact for ages.
I probably talk more about myself but given the amount I talk if feel it is good if I talk at all! I'm not someone who will talk non stop for 10 minutes about themselves. I try and ask about the other person, but it takes a lot of effort to remember and sometimes I ask and it is a non starter and don't know what to say next so the conversation fizzles out.