can I have Aspergers if Im sociable and can make eye contact

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harriet
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

Joined: 11 Jan 2016
Posts: 50
Location: Portugal

11 Jan 2016, 4:25 pm

Hi there,

I'm sorry in advance to occupy people's time, but I'd be really grateful if anyone has any advice/thoughts. Basically it relates to the possibility of having Aspergers Sydrome - I'd like to do an evaluation but at 90 euros I just can't right now. More than anything, I don't actually need to know, but I would like to know how to deal with some everyday life stuff, which I don't think I need a diagnosis for, but it turns outthe people in my life actually don't believe anything Im saying unless I have a diagnosis, so I would just be grateful for some advice from people who really know.

I've suspected I have Aspergers for a few years due to being very direct, blunt and not always getting jokes - I am still very blunt and on training as a lawyer generated complaints very quickly because of what my supervisor described as well-intentioned honesty.

I dropped out of school due to bullying aged 12. I didn't have any friends before that. I stayed at home for nearly 4 years with no friends until aged 16 I enrolled in a college. I was definitely socially inept at this point, and my first year at college was a massive shock in terms of having no idea how to relate to people, but I literally studied how to behave and what to say and not to say and how to dress and this has been an on-going thing throughout my life. My friends and boyfriend insist I do not have Aspergers as I apparently suffer from no social awkwardness, and as a language teacher I am even very sociable.

Behind this are things they don't see. An intense dislike of spending time with people and an extremely isolated existence. I have shared houses with many people and I have consistently been the one that stayed in their room, studying, exhausted from social interaction and deeply resentful of people who try to socialise with me. My housemates would get to me by i.e sending me a photo of chocolate cake saying its on the table, and if I ignore them, bring me cake to my door, or say theyre having an asthma attack and I have to help, but other than this, I really just kind of resent social interaction. I get annoyed when people message me and invite me to things, its like, I don't really wanna be doing this sociable thing anyway, I treat it as a chore... I had a psychologist who literally told me if I didn't get a boyfriend and engage more socially he couldn't help me, so I have it in my head that its like an obligation that I have to spend time with people in order to be normal and balanced. Really, I just wanna be at home reading my books.

I have 3 siblings and I am extremely sensitive to noise. This has generated literally fights between my family and housemates when they wont either back off and leave me alone (younger siblings want attention) or stop making noise in the house. People think I'm being intolerant or controlling but its literally painful to hear the noise and its apparently impossobiel to explain this to people. This is another reason why I avoid social situations and feel very stressed on a daily basis because, for example, getting the metro and being surrounded by people talking and banging things by the time I get off I'm very very stressed!

I have a nervous tic. Again, most people don't notice, which I have spent years trying to ensure, but now it means when I say its another symptom, people don't believe me because they've never seen it. I clench my stomach, back or shoulder muscles about every 10 seconds - if I do it subtly enough, people just think im fidgety, else its under my clothes and they don't notice. I also used to blink like crazy but I thought it was because I had dry eyes and told people this.

Im very clumsy - people have noticed this. In the space of a month I broke dishes at my brothers house, my sisters house, my house, broke my boyfriends toilet, locked myself out of the house, knocked water on my laptop, and my boyfriend says I cant close doors properly because either I slam them or try to be extra careful and end up not shutting them at all. I danced salsa for years, which helped because I was holding onto people, but I noticed the other girls would advance fine but I would consistently fall over in the spins.

I have OCD, both mental obsessions and physical compulsions. Somebody once pointed out I separate my food to eat it. i.e peas first then carrots then potatoes etc but not together.

I'm very black and white about justice - I'm Vegan and take this right and wrong stuff very seriously.
I thought I was a workaholic because I will often start working at 9am and just keep going until Im literally so tired I fall asleep at 12 or 1am. This works great professionally - I was offered a job as a lawyer despite never having studied law, and despite dropping out of school aged 12 and now doing a Masters degree taught in Portuguese I have consistently been a straight A, distinction, top of my class student, not because Im that smart but just because Im so single minded about studying whatever Im working on.

Basically, I thought I had Aspergers, but then my friends and boyfriend insisted I don't because I can make eye contact and I exhibit no signs of social awkwardness to those observing. I'm also extremely empathic and even had problems as a child because I would absorb everyone elses emotions and couldn't tell between mine and other peoples. I accepted what my friends (apart from my boyfriend these conversations with friends were happening via whatsapp I should say, It is with severe reluctance that I actually meet up with or call people other than my boyfriend) said, namely that for the above reason I cannot have Aspergers.

This past week Ive worked really hard on overcoming whatever quirks Ive got. I deliberately ate lunch in the uni canteen despite the noise of about 100 people. I studied in the uni library and tried not to scream at people for whispering. I deliberately stopped working at 8 or 9pm in order to do other stuff and forced myself to go to a social event on Wednesday. I started to feel really good about myself and at Christmas I broke family time down into chunks so that I would get alone time throughout the day to wind down. A couple of times I didn't do this and got a severe headache and nausea but after a day of alone time I managed to go back to family time, albeit in managed quantities. I started to feel good, like I could be with my family, friends, not have a meltdown and scream at ppl....

Then this weekend I suggested me and my boyfriend meet a friend for dinner. Things were fine, but then after dinner they decided to go for drinks and it was literally this horror scenario where I realised 2 hours of social time would become 5 hours and I became really stressed. The next morning I escaped to the gym for 2 hours - I wake up really tense a lot and physical exercise helps to burn it out. Anyway my boyfriend then got mad at me because I was gone so long and he was waiting for me. That afternoon we met his mother and I said, I only have 2 hours today, so then he got offended thinking I didn't wanna meet her. By the time all this was over, I was really, really tired and upset. I went back to his house, trying to be a good girlfriend, and climbed into his bed, put in my earplugs and began reading. He was like, so you come to my house and you just ignore me? You're acting like an old lady. Why cant you just relax and accept that sometimes things don't go to a plan? I was so upset I couldn't even speak. I wa torn between wanting to be the girlfriend he deserved and feeling like I was coming down with the flu because I was so tired and I just wanted to read my book, alone, somewhere quiet. Eventually I just left his house alone with him shouting at me that if I didn't want him I should just say and why was I pushing him away and it was just really hard to hear.

It feels like, I don't want to have to say to anybody, I've got a neurological disorder that means this, this and this, but when I just explain, this hurts, that is difficult, I can't do that in that way, people just think you're being difficult. So I tried to explain to people I might have Aspergers and nobody except my siblings and parents (who have seen my rage-filled meltdowns) has believed it on the basis that I am empathic, can make eye contact, and exhibit no signs of social awkwardness.

I apologise for the massive email, but if any of you experts has any thoughts, I would appreciate it.



Anneliese
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

Joined: 5 Oct 2015
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 46
Location: UK

11 Jan 2016, 6:59 pm

Hi :D Yes it is possible that you have Aspergers, even if your eye contact and social skills appear good. Females are said to be underdiagnosed because we are sometimes able to cope better with social situations, but every individual is different. Not many people thought I could have it, but I had researched more about it and managed to get diagnosed by someone who specialises in females on the spectrum. This was only a few months ago at age 28. You can be empathetic and still have Aspergers, I am definitely too empathetic sometimes. A lot of what you have typed reminds me of things in my life too. Once I was diagnosed I felt relieved that it is not just me being fussy, lots of other people have a brain like mine. :D Even without diagnosis, you can read other people's stories online and you will probably find you can relate to some of them. :)



Pergerlady
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

Joined: 9 Jan 2016
Gender: Female
Posts: 138
Location: Turnersville, NJ, USA

14 Jan 2016, 9:50 am

You most certainly can. People with Aspergers can make eye contact, and not all of us are anti-social. I can be shy with strangers, but people are amazed at how crazy and talkative I become once I'm comfortable around someone.



harriet
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

Joined: 11 Jan 2016
Posts: 50
Location: Portugal

14 Jan 2016, 12:51 pm

Hi Anneliese and Pergerlady, thank you so much for your feedback... it's really reassuring to hear that. I honestly don't think it would matter to me having Aspergers or not if only people were willing to understand that human experience is not universal, and not have the same expectations of everybody! I also definitely think it makes sense that the female experience of Aspergers would be different to the male experience, a lot of other things are, especially given the (differing) societal expectations put on women!

Thank you so much for your thoughts.. it has encouraged me to at least get tested :)



Anneliese
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

Joined: 5 Oct 2015
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 46
Location: UK

15 Jan 2016, 6:29 pm

Hi Harriet, I agree, it would be great if more people understood that. :) Let us know how it goes once you are able to have the test. :D



kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 87,510
Location: Queens, NYC

15 Jan 2016, 9:30 pm

I'm a mixed bag. Sometimes, I can be sociable; other times, I feel like I want to be a hermit.

I'm "weird" to lots of people. I sometimes don't have a "filter" when I talk to people. Sometimes, I'm aware of this at the immediate moment of the "lack of filter" occurrences. Sometimes, I'm not--I only become aware in retrospect.

Yet I was definitely autistic when I was very young, and probably Aspergian once I got a bit older.



QuirkyCookie
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

Joined: 17 Jan 2016
Age: 44
Gender: Female
Posts: 63

18 Jan 2016, 5:25 am

It is very possible! I have good eye contact and very social and so on, but I have everything else that is on the list of traits for Aspergers in females. I am still undiagnosed and who knows how long that will take, but the point I am trying to make here is that you can be an Aspie and still be good at social stuff and also be fairly good at eye contact stuff. I am sure there are others here who are as well, as can be seen by the various replies you have gotten :) I am glad to be here and see there are others like me too :) xx


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Diagnosed Asperger's Syndrome 2017. Proudly Autistic <3