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gailryder17
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17 Feb 2012, 11:05 pm

So you know the deal, an autistic kid who thinks she has the social rules down and all.

Then came my oddball guy friend.

Before, I knew that you had to keep certain eccentric traits to yourself, say the right things, blah blah blah. But my guy friend, here, is the craziest oddball you ever knew. He acts playfully insane all the time (one day, he was just spinning around and his friends just let it go - he was just being him). Sometimes, we just walk around and talk, one time, he put his arm around me and we started randomly dancing. Another time, a couple of days ago, we were walking and talking and he started tickling my neck (he does weird stuff sometimes, one time he was tickling me behind my ear because he heard some people like it. :shrug: ) and later, we sat down and I was leaning on him and his hand was on my knee (no one saw us, they might have saw us walking though.)

Now I'm confused because a couple of kids say I'm hitting on him, which I don't know how I am, because we just hang out a lot. When I ask these kids about flirtatious behavior, they talk about physical contact, i.e. saying that those "liking" each other would touch each other more, ect.

Now when I see this guy friend, he seems to be going against a lot of "social code" (some of which I think is bullcrap and it's simply stuff most people don't want to be seen doing, so it's "wrong") simply by being eccentric so I start wondering:

How much social "stuff" is universal and which exceptions are particular to each person (sorry if that is phrased awkwardly. What I meant is that the whole "no to eccentricity" thing seems not to apply to people whom eccentricity is expected from, it seems weird because he's "allowed" to be the biggest oddball there is, but if I'm eccentric, I'm not good at "social skills" and am doing something wrong. That's an example of "particular exceptions". Universal "social stuff" are principles and social nuances that apply to everyone)

^I ask this because I'm having trouble figuring out my friend's behavior. I figure he's just being his wacky self (I say no to the possibility of attraction because we're just friends and he's not single) but others might think he likes me or something, so I want to know if that whole "attraction-signaling behavior" is specific to the individual or if it is something that tends to be universal.


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justalouise
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17 Feb 2012, 11:44 pm

The difference between being seen as acceptably and unacceptably eccentric is usually a matter of charisma.



NicoleG
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18 Feb 2012, 1:50 am

gailryder17 wrote:
so I want to know if that whole "attraction-signaling behavior" is specific to the individual or if it is something that tends to be universal.


Yes and Yes. These are not mutually exclusive concepts.

It does "tend to be" universal, but it is also specific to the individual. Most people decide in the moment how they want to act based on their feelings. They don't pre-plan the rules for when and how to act interested in another person. That's one of the big differences between people on the spectrum and NTs. Trying to figure out someone else is very difficult, because they may not even know themselves what they would or would not do in a particular moment.



gailryder17
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18 Feb 2012, 12:05 pm

justalouise wrote:
The difference between being seen as acceptably and unacceptably eccentric is usually a matter of charisma.


^which I don't have and he apparently does.

Quote:
They don't pre-plan the rules for when and how to act interested in another person. That's one of the big differences between people on the spectrum and NTs.


Explain.


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NicoleG
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18 Feb 2012, 2:33 pm

gailryder17 wrote:
NicoleG wrote:
They don't pre-plan the rules for when and how to act interested in another person. That's one of the big differences between people on the spectrum and NTs.


Explain.


I'm not sure if I can explain much more than what I already said, which is that most people decide in the moment how they want to act based on their feelings. It's more unconscious action instead of constantly thinking about everything from moment to moment. They may still be following unwritten rules, but they are not consciously thinking about those rules when they act.

I do find this ironic in a way, considering how many times I get told, "You're smart. You should have known better," because that requires forethought, and most people I see manage to act "correctly" without any thought at all. They just DO.



gailryder17
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19 Feb 2012, 6:06 pm

So how DO I interpret his behavior?


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Magdalena
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19 Feb 2012, 10:39 pm

gailryder17 wrote:
So how DO I interpret his behavior?

And therein lies the whole challenge of being an aspie.

Gail, I think what Nicole means is that aspies struggle with behaviors and social skills that neurotypicals are born knowing. Neurotypicals naturally know how to behave, and they pick up on cues automatically without having to watch for them. This isn't the case for aspies and other people on the spectrum.

To reiterate- neurotypicals can perceive subtle cues that aspies cannot perceive. Therefore, neurotypicals can react the correct way instantly, without even thinking about what they're doing. Aspies can't. And since aspies get it wrong, they are avoided and held in low esteem by neurotypical society.

That's a huge part of what it means to be an aspie- not being able to do that neurotypical stuff that I mentioned above.

Nature does not play fair.



Last edited by Magdalena on 20 Feb 2012, 1:10 am, edited 1 time in total.

gailryder17
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19 Feb 2012, 10:51 pm

(facepalm)

and I'll forever remain perplexed by this boy.


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NicoleG
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20 Feb 2012, 11:14 pm

gailryder17 wrote:
So how DO I interpret his behavior?


I believe that really close friends, especially of the opposite sex, are perfectly capable of giving off a lot of platonic signals that others (and possibly even the other person) may construe as flirting. Part of it is the idea that most of society believes that those kinds of interactions should only exist between people that are dating and that it's okay for kids to act that way but as we mature we should grow out of those kinds of interactions. The other part is that people tend to get very jealous very easily, so they make rules that frown upon actions that can be easily misconstrued. I'm part of the minority that thinks others make things much more complicated than they should be, and that such rules are stupid and shouldn't exist, especially when someone else tries to assume intentions on my part that aren't there without finding out all the facts rather than relying solely on actions that they witness.

You said he isn't single, so I would assume that he's being just an overly-affectionate platonic friend. If he ever does something that is obviously flirting (like trying to kiss you), then you'll know for sure, but otherwise assume that it's just in his nature to be a flirty type of personality without having any actual intentions of flirting.

Now, that says absolutely nothing about the perceptions of others. The number one thing that I HATE about interacting with others is having to make adjustments for their perceptions regardless of how right or wrong their perceptions really are. This gets into the whole theory of mind stuff. For example, if his significant other were to see you two interacting, and she perceived that either one of you were flirting with the other, she might get really upset, even if neither of you have any intentions of flirting. Unfortunately, that's the part that becomes a pain in the butt - having to deal with the majority of people that act on perceptions instead of knowledge. It's up to you to decide how to proceed, knowing that other people have already told you that they perceive that you are flirting with him, even though you state that you are not.