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deadeyexx
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06 Apr 2009, 12:28 pm

I've been making an effort to get out more & be around other people for a while now. I used to fear rejection big time after facing it throughout most of my school years. Even when I began caring less & less about being rejected, it still happened enough to where I'd try to avoid it, but I didn't want to fall off track of trying to interact with the world more.

The solution: I participated in activities. If you show up on karaoke night at the local bar & sign up on the list, you're going to get your time on stage. If you enter an organized card tournament, you get to play with everyone else. This is what I call socializing with a purpose, & being rejected is near impossible.

I basically filled my schedule with many kinds of organized events, sports, & clubs. I'm a lot busier & having more fun, but still don't have any real friends; just co-participators in what I do. If we try to hang out afterward without a defined purpose, things just fall apart. I'm beginning to find myself lonely again & losing heart. I know withdrawing from the world again is a step in the wrong direction, but I can't seem to move forward from where I'm at.

Can anyone else relate, or better yet, know what to do next?



HelloMeD
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06 Apr 2009, 12:32 pm

deadeyexx wrote:
I've been making an effort to get out more & be around other people for a while now. I used to fear rejection big time after facing it throughout most of my school years. Even when I began caring less & less about being rejected, it still happened enough to where I'd try to avoid it, but I didn't want to fall off track of trying to interact with the world more.

The solution: I participated in activities. If you show up on karaoke night at the local bar & sign up on the list, you're going to get your time on stage. If you enter an organized card tournament, you get to play with everyone else. This is what I call socializing with a purpose, & being rejected is near impossible.

I basically filled my schedule with many kinds of organized events, sports, & clubs. I'm a lot busier & having more fun, but still don't have any real friends; just co-participators in what I do. If we try to hang out afterward without a defined purpose, things just fall apart. I'm beginning to find myself lonely again & losing heart. I know withdrawing from the world again is a step in the wrong direction, but I can't seem to move forward from where I'm at.

Can anyone else relate, or better yet, know what to do next?


Me I just feel uncomfortable doing anything without a reason unless I am really comfortable with the person. Like my mother or brother. I am trying to get better at that but there is few people I can be other with.



grandmaem
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06 Apr 2009, 1:31 pm

I tried for many many years, before I realized I probably have aspergers (after my grandson was diagnosed), to fit in. No matter how hard I tried, it didn't happen, even with lots of therapy. Once I even dreamed I was in a large paper bag and trying to punch my way out into the world, but just couldn't get out. That was hugely frustrating, but I didn't have any idea what was wrong with me. Used to think I belonged on another planet.

I had no idea what other people said to each other. They would gather in twos or more and just be gabbing away! Even in meetings of 12-step groups where we had something in common- the meeting part was ok (although I didn't say much) but when it was over and people just socialized, I was lost. Now I realize that I can only take a limited amount of socializing at a time. so I don't try to do too much. I feel better about myself knowing what is "wrong" with me.

I like your idea of socializing with a purpose. You're so much younger than I am (IU just turned 70), and knowledge about aspergers has progressed a lot over the years.

Best wishes to you.



Sorenna
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06 Apr 2009, 3:06 pm

Yes, I have similar.

I used to never socialize. If I did it was awful.

I would fuill my day with one of my obsessions until I was not able to do it anymore. That was horrific and so I started to go out more.

It is not fun. I don not understand why people jus t sit around and eat without any objective or without anything to improve their lives. Plato et al would sit around and gather for a purpose. To improve their understanding of the world.

To sit around and BS when there is so little time, what's the point?

But I do it. They are nice people. I like them. They think I am a bit off because I bring my other obsession with me and hammer away with it day and night. But I do not care. As a female, I have found that men are shallow enough to forgive anything if you are hot. So I just make sure I have a bit of sex appeal when I go. I would never go out otherwise because I used to and was horribly ignored.



Willard
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06 Apr 2009, 3:13 pm

deadeyexx wrote:
I know withdrawing from the world again is a step in the wrong direction


Whatever gave you that idea? Listening to NT talk about how you're supposed to be? You're not like them, you'll never be like them, the harder you try, the more foolish you'll look and the more frequently you'll find yourself the victim of abuse at the hands of people who think it's funny to trip you so everybody can watch you fall.

You will have good, healthy and satisfying relationships when you encounter others like you and only then. Stop telling yourself that to get along in this world you have to be something you can never be. There's nothing wrong with being who you are.

And what kind of autistic masochist even goes into a karaoke bar? I shudder at the very notion. Sounds like one of those third-grade playground challenges: "Would you rather suck boogers from an elephant's trunk, slide down a pole of razor blades into a pool of alcohol, or..."



deadeyexx
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06 Apr 2009, 4:08 pm

Willard wrote:
And what kind of autistic masochist even goes into a karaoke bar?


Actually, I've been doing it every week for the past couple years. It's a lot of fun too. The reason I try to force myself into the world so much is that just about every obsession I have or anything I've enjoyed doing was first introduced to me through doing so.

However, I'm comfortable interacting with NTs ONLY through organized activity. Everyone knows why they're there, what's expected of each other, has an idea of what to talk about, what kind of jokes to make, etc... It's like social training wheels. Training wheels I'll probably need for the rest of my life.



whipstitches
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06 Apr 2009, 4:44 pm

I totally relate to you Deadeyexx! I also can really only see getting together with people for the purpose of "doing something". I honeslty didn't even realize that everyone wasn't like that until I read one of Tony Attwoods books on Asperger's. This guys books have really changed the way I view myself. There were a lot of things about me that I didn't realize everyone didn't do. I guess maybe I have been lucky to be oblivious!! :lol: Seriously though.... I remember very well what it was like when I was younger. I know what it is like to be picked on and teased and to not be able to figure out how to be friends with anyone.... including the so called "nerds". It was terrible and I don't wish to have to repeat it.

Back to the topic at hand!

I also engage in a lot of planned activities as a way to enjoy myself and a way to learn more and more about social graces. I belong to a quilting guild. That is a funny one because I am hands down the youngest person there! They are all little grandmas who make quilts for their family members mostly. I like them. They are easy to talk to because they don't notice that I am a awkward because they chalk it up to the age difference (I suppose). I am also on the library board and the trail committee for my city. It is a REALLY small town and they have a hard time filling all of the positions for these boards and committees. I was invited to join the library board because I am always in the library. I guess they assumed I would be a good board member for that reason. I forced myself to join the trail committee to socialize and to make some networking connections. I am a geologist and am going back to school to get a masters in geography. I would like to work for the watershed authority or something like that when I am finished. That is one of the biggest reasons for wanting to connect with the trail committee. It is VERY AWKWARD and I wish I could crawl under the table at every meeting, but I have to be able to interact with people. I have regressed a lot over the past few years because I have been a stay-at-home mom. I am in the fortunate position of not having to interact with anyone apart from my husband (whom I met online because of a connection to a caving group that I belonged to.... SEE!! It does help to go to these planned events!!).

My advice?? Hanging out with people just because they are interested in the same stuff you are interested in is a great way to understand NT folks and a great way to enjoy your special interests! It is also a great way to be able to "control" the amount of interaction you get, too.

I have belonged to a caving group and a metaphysical group, too! Those were REALLY fun because I suspect that these were some special interests that attract more eccentric folks. I actually enjoyed the NT people that came to these meetings!! 8)



pensieve
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06 Apr 2009, 8:54 pm

Go join a music forum, meet up at gigs - friends forever!
Not as simple as it sounds, but it's a way I make friends.



CrinklyCrustacean
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07 Apr 2009, 4:01 pm

Willard wrote:
Whatever gave you that idea? Listening to NT talk about how you're supposed to be? You're not like them, you'll never be like them, the harder you try, the more foolish you'll look and the more frequently you'll find yourself the victim of abuse at the hands of people who think it's funny to trip you so everybody can watch you fall.

You will have good, healthy and satisfying relationships when you encounter others like you and only then. Stop telling yourself that to get along in this world you have to be something you can never be. There's nothing wrong with being who you are.


You do NTs a disservice. Just because we won't ever be neuro-typical and they won't ever be autistic, doesn't mean that there are no shared interests and that we are incompatible. Some of the autistic people on this board are married to NTs! Yes, some NTs are horrible and take every opportunity to make fun of those on the spectrum but not all of them are like that. Give them a chance. There are NTs who have a hard time socialising too: the term is 'shy'. I realise that your cynicism may stem from something I haven't experienced, but even so in the circumstances it seems a little strong.

The key thing is something you said yourself: he has to find 'others like him'. That is the basis for any friendship: finding someone you are happy to talk with at any time on most subjects (including the unusual ones). Such a person could be NT or aspie: it doesn't really matter as long as the likeness and platonic attraction to each other is there. The idea that an aspie can only ever be friends with another aspie is blatantly wrong (although there may be individual exceptions to this).



julien_littleone
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07 Apr 2009, 4:08 pm

You don't have to have a large amount of friend's to be happy, simply one or two close people will do.
For me going about making friends is a complete mystery, I really don't even try yet people show up in my life and we end up becoming so close were like family.

Just be yourself, and talk about what your interested in, what your passionate about even if you think you don't sound intelligent. Or be quiet if you want to, be the quiet one while people around you are talking.
One of my closest friends first met me in a group, I hardly spoke a word or two and she talked on and on with others like she knew them, but later when she contacted me I was quite shocked because we hadn't spoken at all before, I told her so and asked her about the other people and she told me she hadn't know them, couldn't even remember them or what they had talked about, but she remembered me. I was the only one she remembered.

You don't have to talk about what everyone else is or even about a subject, stop in the middle of what you were saying and comment on something else that is going on or catches your eye in the room if you want.
Someone is bound to take interest in you as a person, joining groups is good but it's not really necessary. You can be friends with people outside your common interest groups.

Keep a goal in mind though, think about what kind of friend you want and that person will eventually come to you, you'll more easily spot them. I don't make "casual" friends and when we do get together we have a purpose but it's not "strict" we talk about what is going on in our lives,eat,watch videos that we brought, and it's all right if I end up talking the entire time about a current obsession, they are always eager to hear about it.

The people don't have to be the same age either, my close friends are at least ten years older than I am, there are many things we don't have in common, but at the core we just belong together. You have to search at times for other common things besides the obvious common interests and the things that are in the open. You eventually have to talk about personal issues if they aren't already evident in interaction.

Friendships are specific to the individual there are no guides, solid rules etc... you just do what you can and no one will hold it against you or think your "strange", good friends don't do that. Just go out and do your thing.



mechanicalgirl39
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07 Apr 2009, 4:10 pm

CrinklyCrustacean wrote:

You do NTs a disservice. Just because we won't ever be neuro-typical and they won't ever be autistic, doesn't mean that there are no shared interests and that we are incompatible. Some of the autistic people on this board are married to NTs! Yes, some NTs are horrible and take every opportunity to make fun of those on the spectrum but not all of them are like that. Give them a chance. There are NTs who have a hard time socialising too: the term is 'shy'. I realise that your cynicism may stem from something I haven't experienced, but even so in the circumstances it seems a little strong.

The key thing is something you said yourself: he has to find 'others like him'. That is the basis for any friendship: finding someone you are happy to talk with at any time on most subjects (including the unusual ones). Such a person could be NT or aspie: it doesn't really matter as long as the likeness and platonic attraction to each other is there. The idea that an aspie can only ever be friends with another aspie is blatantly wrong (although there may be individual exceptions to this).


Agreed, I know a lot of NTs don't understand or are hostile, but others are very open and understanding.

Hell, most times when I've really had to explain that I have AS, like when I've been doing an activity in a group and having a hard time with people's language use or social nuances, they have been very understanding and accommodated me.