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Darrenj777
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20 Jul 2009, 8:20 am

Both..... incredible equisite pleasure and terrible heart ache..

why is infidelity so so compelling? its like a drug, i thought it was never possible til i felt that.

i can see how and why i was cheated on, its powerful



theOtherSide
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20 Jul 2009, 8:34 am

Darrenj777 wrote:
Both..... incredible equisite pleasure and terrible heart ache..

why is infidelity so so compelling? its like a drug, i thought it was never possible til i felt that.

i can see how and why i was cheated on, its powerful


yes. compelling. powerful. i'm surprised more aspies are not drawn to these types of relationships as the intensity is so high.



Metal_Man
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20 Jul 2009, 9:55 am

Tim_Tex wrote:
I thought the same thing.

That's the whole reason I limit myself to other Aspies, because I'm convinced that we don't lie or cheat.

Here we go again. :wall: Tim I am probably far more Aspie than you are and I had an affair. Aspies are less likely to cheat but it does happen depending on the circumstances. Cheating is not something I wanted to do but it happened any way. I don't have time to go into all of the details as to why i did what I did right now.


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20 Jul 2009, 12:51 pm

I came to my conclusion using the following theories:

1. It's more difficult for us (both male and female) to find suitable partners than it is for our NT counterparts, and when we finally do find that person, we have this "better not screw this up" mentality, because we don't know if we'll find anyone else should this one get away.

2. (applies to monogamous relationships only) It would probably be very difficult for us to juggle multiple partners when it is often difficult to handle one, given the need for "alone time" that many of us have.


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Tim_Tex
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21 Jul 2009, 1:31 pm

Also, I want to clarify in the description of my ex, she also wanted to wait 5 years before getting married, and she and I had been together for 3 years at that point in time.


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JCC
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25 Jul 2009, 11:55 am

I would like to make the point the we live in a country where we are conditioned to (thanks in part from the media) expect perfection in our relationships. Most would rather get a divorce than work things out cause, "that would be too much work on my part".
The reason I belive that people stayed together in the old days is because we didn't have the TV and all this unrealistic expectaion of what life is like or, should be. I want to say the term "fairwether" friend and or spouse.
Why even have marrige if people are going to do this?

JUST an observation from some one who has been cheated on alot. It feels awful when you find out.

JC.



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26 Jul 2009, 6:22 pm

I've never cheated on a girlfriend of mine, I don't think I'm necessarily "incapable" of doing so but with the way I am I think it's highly unlikely that I would do it. I have however been involved in the cheating process from the other side, several times. One girl (who is a good friend of mine) has cheated on probably 4-5 different boyfriends with me over the years, one of which she was engaged to at the time.

The trouble is, on two occasions (including years ago with the aforementioned) I have ended up in relationships with someone after doing the initial "cheating"--and I just KNEW intuitively, if you get involved with someone under those pretenses, you would be a fool to not completely expect the relationship to end under the same circumstances.

It's happened two for two thus far. :roll: And it is horrible but really I deserve it.



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14 Aug 2009, 7:03 pm

When I was in my twenties, I lived with a lover who cheated on me. I was cool about it and wanted to talk about it with him and either work things out or move out and on. But he was SOOO angry that I found out that he flew into a rage and "tried" to twist truth around and put the blame on me. He was acting as though "I" cheated on him! So I stabbed the S.O.B. and walked out. He didn't press charges because I had a "Goomba" uncle. My uncle sent a couple of his "employees" to go and collect all my stuff. That was that. All that mess could've been avoided by just a simple conversation full of acceptance, understanding, and appreciation of what used to be but must now end. He could have been an adult about the whole thing. My AS couldn't handle the way he treated me when he was the one in the wrong! Selfish piece of crap, so I lost control and shut him up the only way I knew how. He actually grabbed me by the throat for finding out...how dare I. Can you understand why I reacted so violently? I'm not a violent person. As the years went by, I found out that quite a few nice girls lashed out on this guy! What kind of person could make nice, young, refined women into potential murderers? There must be some kind of diagnosis for such a beast? Any guesses?



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14 Aug 2009, 7:06 pm

JCC wrote:
I would like to make the point the we live in a country where we are conditioned to (thanks in part from the media) expect perfection in our relationships. Most would rather get a divorce than work things out cause, "that would be too much work on my part".
The reason I belive that people stayed together in the old days is because we didn't have the TV and all this unrealistic expectaion of what life is like or, should be. I want to say the term "fairwether" friend and or spouse.
Why even have marrige if people are going to do this?

JUST an observation from some one who has been cheated on alot. It feels awful when you find out.

JC.

Amen!



Artkitten
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17 Aug 2009, 1:46 am

It doesn't even occur to me to lie much less cheat. So far, every single one of my relationships (all 3, Ooo) ended because I found out the guy cheated on me and I broke up with him. It's very hard to trust this won't happen again. If I found myself wanting another it would be a clear sign to me I wasn't into the one I was with and thus would end it before moving onto the next.



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17 Aug 2009, 10:50 am

I've never had sex with anybody behind a partner's back, but I once sailed very close to the wind during my first marriage, when I was in my 20s. It was supposed to be a platonic friendship, I went out with her but didn't tell my wife, in fact I made up an alibi, which was very out of character for me. Anyway, I figured it wasn't really right, so I told the woman we'd best not meet again because I didn't feel platonic about her, which was true. She was living with a man, and had once remarked that she wouldn't want to be unfaithful to him. I told my wife what had happened, and that might have been the end of it, but the woman got back in touch with me after a few weeks, and I started seeing her again, on the understanding that she would "keep me at arm's length," as she'd put it. This time I was at least open about it, but I wasn't really being honest with myself or with her about the strength of my feelings for the other woman, and somehow my wife accepted that it was only a platonic friendship. But eventually it went further.....we would have had sex, but my conscience just wouldn't let me take it that far, especially when I asked her how her partner felt about us being together and she replied that he trusted her 8O . I was feeling very guilty about it, even though nothing much happened. I'd long since ceased to be very emotionally connected to my wife and had been "noticing" other women for some time. I left the marriage soon after that. It had been something of an "empty shell relationship," in fact things had gone wrong between us before we'd got married, so that I'd ceased to feel close to her. Somehow we'd just got into marriage without bothering to fix the problems first.

And that's the nearest I've ever been to cheating on a partner. Even though very little happened in physical terms, I still feel bad about it after all these years.....a lot of the youger people in my workplace were having clandestine affairs at the time, and they seemed to have no problem with infidelity, they seemed to see it as a natural thing. But I'd always been dead against such behaviour, and was astonished and dismayed to discover that I too could get dragged into these things. It was the strength of my untoward feelings that shocked me more than anything. And it wasn't primarily a sexual thing, it was about wanting a deeper relationship that I could have with my wife....I didn't even find the other woman particularly sexually attractive, though it was very important to me that she was female.

As for women cheating on me, well after leaving my marriage I eventually had a relationship with a woman who did that. It was partly my own fault because originally she'd not really wanted to be faithful, but I'd found myself insisting on that - I hadn't been nasty about it, but it became obvious that her infidelity was hurting me a lot, and that we weren't likely to last as a couple if she continued, so she said she'd get rid of the other guys. But all that happened was that she hid her other encounters from me. She didn't cover her tracks very well, and I caught her and threw her out......later she seemed to have learned her lesson and I took her back, but it happened again, so I ended the relationship for good.

The only other one who cheated on me was my second wife, who started an affair right under my nose when our child was 5 years old. She didn't keep the affair secret once it had started, but she'd initially lied about her reasons for hanging about with this other guy when I'd voiced my suspicions about the reasons why she was hanging about with him. So that was the end of that marriage. Again, I kind of brought it on myself because she'd cheated on her first husband (our relationship began while she was still married to him), so I had everything I needed to work out what might happen if we went through a rough patch - and deepdown the knowledge of her past (and guilt about my part in it) made me feel insecure with her and probably contributed a lot to our problems as a couple....it was pretty stupid and irresponsible of me to have a child with her, and I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for that.

But mostly my partners haven't cheated, and neither have I. I dabbled a bit in "open relationships" but could never make it work that way. The first two girlfriends I had both dumped me for boys they were also going out with, on the insistence of the other boys. And when I've been openly unfaithful, it's always complicated things and never gone down very well......anyway I always found I had a favourite, and then the one that appealed to me the least soon got nosed out of the picture. So I gravitated back to monogamy, and these days I don't condemn possessiveness as long as it's not taken to ridiculous extremes. I haven't particularly trusted my partners to hang about with potential sexual rivals, and I wouldn't expect them to particularly trust me in the same role either.

RightGalaxy wrote:
All that mess could've been avoided by just a simple conversation full of acceptance, understanding, and appreciation of what used to be but must now end. He could have been an adult about the whole thing..........Can you understand why I reacted so violently? I'm not a violent person.

Yes. When I caught my partner out the first time, I pushed her down the stairs. Not because of what she'd done, but because of her sheer arrogance in being angry at ME for finding her out. It's the only time in my life I've ever been violent towards anybody who hadn't physically attacked me or my loved ones.



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16 Sep 2009, 12:21 am

As a guy, I was cheated on in a seven year relationship that ended two weeks later.

Why? Because I would (or could) not give her the emotional support and/or attention she needed.

If you can see the warning signs, just end the relationship early (assuming not married). Touch base in 6-12 months and you can pick up again. Repeat 2-3 times.