Relationship woes and lack of understanding.

Post Reply New Topic

Every thread, every post, every conversation, movie, book, news story and acquaintance speaking that I hear so many similar stories from about the pitfalls of relationships, how incredibly bad they can be and how they can emotionally shred someone just makes me wonder why people are so incredulous when I avoid it.

It seems so much more uncommon to find a good relationship than a bad one that it makes me sit in shock most of the time wondering A) how the hell can people (antagonists) do those kinds of things to other people (protagonists), and B) how can those people (protagonists) willingly go looking for another relationship again? How do they work up that kind of courage and hope? It certainly isn't logical to.

I have only been on this world for 22 years, but in that time I apparently haven't managed to understand anything about love, hope and emotion. I do not understand how someone who's in a bad relationship can work up the hope and courage to try it again. I don't understand how someone can be in a bad relationship and be unable to get out of it, seemingly making up excuses as to why they do not leave it.

I don't understand why so many humans are unable to just have a sexual relationship without it completely messing up their emotional life for a short time. I don't know why humans place so many emotions and thoughts onto sex besides pleasure and reproduction.

This isn't a rant about something bad that has happened, but merely in response to some of the threads on here I have viewed and others I have viewed in the past, as well as those things in the top paragraph. Honestly, I'm not sure I'll ever be able to fully understand the emotional half of the human psyche, but one will certainly never learn if one does not ask the question.

I don't understand why people act incredulous when you avoid relationships at all. If you don't feel the need to have one, then that's up to you. It's like I don't really want to have children. Most women around me really don't get this and tell me I must be missing something not to want them. What am I missing exactly? I don't get this attitude at all. Why must everyone breed? Why must everyone need to be in a relationship? I think people should be allowed to exercise their own personal choices when it comes to this without question.



I don't think that people enter into a relationship with a person based on logic as I feel that it is probably one of the most illogical things you can do. The risks of being hurt are blatantly there big style, but people seek love and companionship when looking for a relationship. It's a massive gamble in that sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. Unfortunately, for most of us, you have to lose so many times before you find a winner, and this is what people seeking a life-long relationship cling to - the hope that one day, they will be a winner.



I understand how someone who has been in a bad relationship try it again, provided it is with someone new as I have done it. But I'm with you Vyn in that I don't understand someone who is in a bad relationship and chooses to make excuses to stay in it. That is not just illogical, but plain stupid in my eyes, why waste your time?



There are people that can have sexual relationships without it affecting them emotionally. I have had a couple of these in the past, didn't do me any harm and it was fun to boot. But I never really looked at sex from a reproductive viewpoint as I have never really thought about having children. It would take an awful lot for me to be convinced to breed with anyone. It's a harsh old world out there now and I'm not sure I want to bring any children into that.



I've had relationships, proper ones and casual ones, and I don't get the whole emotional thing either. Emotions just happen, they appear and they can be difficult to control and, depending on the emotion , fortunately or unfortunately, you just have to live with them. Relationships are a mystery to me but at the same time, the companionship of a good person and feeling love is pretty fantastic.

It's perfectly logical when you look at it from the standpoint of evolutionary psychology. We're geared to desire intimacy with others, and to pursue it. If we aren't, through natural selection we'll weed ourselves out.

It's really an interesting perspective, as it explains all the pitfalls of social interaction.

I don't either, I don't place emotions into sex. I place my emotions into the person. But indeed, a lot of the core values of romance itself has been warped by romance novels and hallmark gift cards. Sex is just sex. Even tho people have friends with benefit attachments, you almost never hear of someones first time being that. Reason being is they want to avoid any drama as to not mess up their emotional life.

As far as it ruining emotional life with someone more than casual, i've seen kids have their emotional life messed up over losing at playstation. So with something as adult as a relationship, losing can be a little more frustrating. Why? Because expectation can increase the frustration when something fails.

We put an almost fairy godmother type of spin on relationships. Every freaking goofy disney fairy tale (which I liked >.>), every movie or show we watch (almost everything on tv has a romantic story involved) and we expect it to solve all of our problems. It is in many cases, hype that cannot meet expectation. Relationships are something that can enhance life, not solve it.



Depends on whats considered a bad relationship, sometimes people make mistakes and you love them despite it. Sometimes people do have a thickheadedness and simply take too much, they lack respect for themselves and don't draw a limit as to how much abuse they should take. A lot of these people have been abused themselves and figure a random slap, or just randomly cussed out a step up. It takes either finding out the hard way or a very strong positive intervention to change that usually.



They preach caution, hormones aren't something we can control.

Random scenario: try being completely into someone you're attracted to, physically or otherwise. They tease, they flirt, they make you laugh, they've never looked better than they did at that moment. You wake up the next morning and you realize this seeming loving, laughing, carefree and beautiful person isn't always nice, has lied to you from jump, has someone else in their life. You get the idea.

There is more likely than not no antagonist in any given relationship. In my opinion anyway, an antagonist is someone would be a rapist, an antagonist is someone who hits a person they claim they love or is physically abusive. Or even verbally abusive.

Most relationships end from a falling out, no one has absolutely everything in common, different views means possibly the occassional argument, fight. Heck sometimes people just have had a bad day at work. You respect yourself by knowing exactly what you will and won't put up with long term. If requesting a change from your partner doesn't help the feeling, then its time to part ways.

I think it is important to learn and different view points are important in order to educate people further.

People who don't leave bad relationships are dysfunctional, meaning they don't have a good understanding of how healthy relationships work. That lack of understanding typically stems from being raised by parents who were also dysfunctional - they didn't know how to have healthy relationships, so they couldn't pass that knowledge on to their kids.....and the dysfunctional cycle continues from generation to generation.

Most of the women I've known who cling to bad relationships do so out of fear. They may be afraid to be alone; they may not want to raise their kids alone; they may be worried about their ability to survive financially alone; they may think that no one else will ever love them, etc. A lot of these fears are irrational....but they're also powerful. People stay in bad relationships (IMO) because of a refusal, or inability, to face their fears. Let's face it - conquering your fear is hard work, and some people just aren't up to it.



Well, as a woman, I can tell you that there are tremendous consequences to having sex: STIs, pregnancy, infertility, etc. So even if it's something we want to do - strictly for fun - it pays to be cautious. Translation: women need to be more selective about who they sleep with. I'll also tell you that since it (typically) takes more effort to satisfy a woman sexually, a woman is more likely to choose a partner who seems like he'll put in the effort (again, that limits potential partners as well). So since sexual satisfaction isn't as much of a sure thing for women as it is for men, and since there is more risk involved in sexual encounters for women than for men - sex tends to be a less casual decision for women. Since sex involves a level of trust (he'll take the time to satisfy; and he's willing to practice safer sex; he won't hurt you, etc.), can you kind of see why a woman might want to get to know a man - even like that man - before having sex? That forms a pretty compelling connection between sex and emotion for women. (Not all women, all the time....but a fair amount of women, a fair amount of the time.)

Well, that's just my take on the situation, anyway.

I really don't actually. Besides never having been in that situation, that's not something I would logically fall into. I have a massive control problem with my emotions and mind, ie: I'm absolutely terrified of ever losing control of them. And so far, I haven't. So while I suppose it's possible, it's certainly not something I can relate to, because to me, it seems completely alien. I would never have that sort of experience the way I control my life currently.



Ok, that I can understand. Thanks.



See, that's the rational reason. That I understand. It's the emotional reasons that people give for it that I do not. I can understand the trust issue as well. But when I hear two good friends saying they won't because it would make things "awkward," that I don't understand.

I'm a little unclear on your question, but I think you're wondering why people who are good friends would choose not to have a sexual relationship because it would make their friendship awkward. I think your perspective might be that since two people like each other, sex is a fun thing to do, and they've got the right parts....why not just have sex?

I think the answer lies in the idea that you really can't have sex without being vulnerable. Sex requires a deeper level of intimacy than friendship - and I'm not talking strictly about emotional intimacy, either. Regardless of how connected you feel emotionally to a sex partner, there's physical intimacy required when you have sex. You have to get naked with someone, and that means you have to be vulnerable. (I'm not even talking about physical safety, here. Let's say we're talking about two friends, so there's no fear of any violence occuring.) When you get naked with someone, you're giving that person an opportunity to evaluate you - and that can make one feel extremely vulnerable. Let's face it, everyone wants approval when they're naked...they want to know they're normal, attractive, desirable, etc. That vulnerability can make you feel powerless, so again, you have to choose that partner wisely. Just because you're comfortable hanging out with someone doesn't mean you're willing to be that vulnerable with them.

So, if you can get past the initial vulnerability of exposing yourself physically to a friend, and you decide to have sex, the actual sexual experience represents a whole new level of vulnerability. After all, what could be more personal about a person that what they enjoy sexually? I mean, that is intimate knowledge about another human being. Bringing another person to orgasm is an intensely personal experience - and from a female perspective, we (generally) tend to need a comfortable, safe, worry-free environment in order to orgasm anyway. It's just not every guy you want to share that part of your life with (what you need to get "there")....it's not every guy you can trust sharing that part of your life with. Really, haven't you ever heard a guy brag, or talk about what a girl was like in bed? If you're the girl being talked about, that would feel like quite a betrayal.

But if you're willing to get past the nakedness, and the vulnerability it takes to have sex....what if the sex isn't good? Because when that happens, it can take a pretty strong bond between the partners to work through that. There's no good way to tell someone they're lousy in bed. And if you can find a kind, gentle way to make suggestions, you're really in a tough spot if your partner is not listening. So then you have a choice to make - keep having bad sex with your good friend, or stop having bad sex with your good friend (and probably lose the friendship).

But then again, what if the sex is great? Well, if the sex is great, and you really are good friends, then I guarantee you that one of the people is going to want to have a romantic relationship. And what if the other person isn't up for that? Again, you're ending up with heartache, and a loss of the original friendship.

Because of the intimacy and vulnerability involved, the bottom line is that having sex does transform a relationship. You may move forward together successfully, but it's extremely difficult to ever go back to the original feeling of friendship if being sexual doesn't work. That's a risk that a lot of people don't want to take.

Thank you. That's not something I can identify with on a personal level, but it is something I can understand. I can see how it would interact that way in most peoples minds and why it is so uncommon to find it not.

Also, I have heard guys brag about their sexual conquests and I find it rather... contemptuous. Not because they are saying they had good sex, but because they invariably describe it in such a way as to objectify the woman. Hearing "Oh I had great sex last night," Or "I had bad sex" wouldn't bother me, it's the "Damn I pounded that chick like a Bangkok sl*t last night" that I find utterly contemptable.