Falling In Love With a (M|F) as a (M|F)

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Ok so I'll explain this better here.
Have any of you ever fallen for someone only to notice that you were in love with them as their gender. I've noticed that issues relating to gender, mental gender etc seem to be somewhat common among us ASD/AS people. I've notice for a couple years now that even though I am fine with my physical gender (M) I tend to fall in love with a women from a female point of view. Anyone else ever noticed this about themselves?

I don't understand. Can you please explain further or give more examples?

Yeah sure this area is confusing as heck. Basically is boils down to how you fall in love with someone. Men do not become emotionally attached/dependant on someone easily. Women become emotionall attached/dependant quite easily. When I fall for someone I am 95% emotionally attached/dependant on them and only 5% attached/dependant on them in a physical/sexual manner.

Well that's a generalization like any other. I guess you're just an exception. As for me and others, it depends how you define "easily".

Weird thing for me, I've always wanted to be comforted by a girl. Maybe that falls into what you're getting at.

Well yes thats somewhat a generalization but its one supported by psychologists and psychiatrists. No see for me its the otherway around. I want (and emotionally need) to be comforting her. My emotionally state becomes linked to hers. If she is happy i'm happy, if shes sad i'm sad etc.

Hmm, I don't know, but I think that it would be simplistic and misleading to ascribe your emotional attachment as "female", since even though men might not become emotionally attached as easily as women do, men are still very much capable of it. It's just that most men (not including me) are reluctant to submit to that level of emotional attachment due to a heightened perception of vulnerability and/or weakness.


I also feel the same way, especially towards guys I'm falling for. The part about "I want (and emotionally need) to be comforting her" is the part that I would typically associate with masculinity, since it is a very typical sentiment from a provider. For example for me, I am happiest and feel fulfilled when I am useful and take care of and help others (who aren't children).

For the record, I'm a bisexual guy.

Yeah I'm straight but am at least 95% feminine. The problem with this area is that it is so hard to explain. I been trying to find a good easy to understand article somewhere but no luck so far. I'm actually running out of ways to try and explain this better. The part about needing to comfort her can't be taken by itself it needs to remain in the sentence its in. I really wish this was easier to explain.

How did you come to the conclusion that you are "at least 95% feminine"? I'm not trying to suggest that you aren't, but since you are new to WP and I don't know you, I am curious.

But yeah, sexuality sure is complicated... but in many ways, it is also very simple. It's kinda weird like that. At any rate, if you manage to get some additional insight into how to explain this all better, feel free to let us all know!

Now that opens up a whole new confusion. I going to really oversimplify myself to make this shorter then a novel and easier to explain. First off if it weren't for the fact that I was born male and am fine being male I am pretty much a female mind in a male body. Everything from my interests, trait and mannerisms to my emotional structure is female. I have nothing in common with any of my male peers unless they are gay or bi which since at the moment only one of my friends is not LGBTQ and/or Female I don't currently have that problem (yay for once). I'd would be much happier chatting with a female friend about love, relationships, emotions, chickflicks, clothes, etc (if i go on this will never end) then I would be hanging out with male friends in general. I know I said I am fine with being male but if I had been able to choose my gender I would have chosen to be female without a second thought. In general I am much much more comfortable being around/and doing stuff with women then I have ever been with men. I am much better interacting with women and maintaining friendships/relationships with women then I am with men since as I've said I have much more in common with women.

Hmm.

Growing up, I was always happier chatting with female friends about love, relationships, emotions, though not chickflicks or clothes , and generally yeah I was infinitely better and more comfortable interacting with women than I was with men. I even briefly flirted with crossdressing (I just saw your thread about it). However, I never really considered whether I had a "female mind in a male's body". I was just me and that was the end of it. It just didn't really cross my mind to think about that aspect so much. In contrast, as an adult, I still am happy and comfortable chatting with women about love, relationships, emotions, though still not chickflicks or clothes , etc., but it was my understanding of my interactions with other men that changed. Through all my interactions with women, I had a lot of practice learning to be aware of other people's needs, and figuring out how to meet those needs. And when I saw opportunities in men to do something similar, rather surprisingly to me I found being a protector and provider towards guys extremely satisfying and rewarding. That's not to say that there is no tension between me and other guys; on the contrary, there can be an exceedingly high amount of tension between me and a guy I love. For a long time I had been curious about guys in a sexual way, but my understanding of the homosexual side of me wasn't complete... it wasn't enough to tilt me over into really being able to say with confidence that I liked guys. It was originally something that I couldn't quite put my finger on, I couldn't really explain too well... until I got older and realized just how complicated those feelings could be, and that I could finally understand those feelings.

Your own personal situation might end up like mine, and it might not. Who knows how it'll be. All I can say though, is that although I described myself in this way, if someone were to ask me if I would ascribe all that to "male" or "female", I could only really say that it was "me". And even though I learned social skills and learned how to care for people, both men and women, initially and mainly through interactions with women, I kinda feel like the end product was to produce a more masculine me, because all of that experience made me more self-sufficient and tough and complete as an individual, as well as more effective as a protector and rescuer. I know it seems kinda weird or perhaps even backwards or counter-intuitive, but that's how things happened for me.

Oh, and kids used to, and still annoy me to all hell.

Well I'm going to be 22 in 2 months; and actually its becoming a much more common occurence in my life to be able to relate and interact with women, and feel more comfortable with them then when I am around men which is usually awkward and stressful. If I hadn't had such a traumatic and mentally destructive childhood (k-12 mostly) I probably would've been like this for years now but my school and social interactions actually resulted in a nervous collapse at 13 and a completely withdrawl from any social situations. I sorta spent 8th through 12th grade in a funtional catatonic state I might even call it. I sorta just shut down my emotions to prevent myself from being tortured to the extent that I had been (It was well beyond just bullying) since if other people couldn't see my reactions they didn't get any pleasure out of it. After I graduated my mental state managed to return to almost an normal state and then I spent the last 2 winters teaching skiing to 2-7y/o's which from when I started doing that till the present are the happiest years of my entire life which managed to repair a lot of the damage that had occured. Now I've been in college for a semester and went from being anti-social to being quite social as long as I'm around people who I can understand and who can understand me. Especially in these last 2 (nearly 3) years now all of these traits, mannerisms, interests etc that I've mentioned have not only surface but intensified by many times over. In even the last 4 months they've probably increased 5 fold. But before I lose my train of thought (or overload mine, yours and the servers brain) I'll just say that as a whole person I am fine with my male body but my mind is (in my opinion) not male and will never be.

Subconsciously making up for lost time, perhaps? Of course I can't read the future, but it's good to hear that things seem on the up and up for you these days. It'll definitely be interesting to see how things end up in a few years.

Yeah thats what I've been thinking because even if you just take one section that is something that has to develop as we mentally mature it will have grown exponentiolly over the last 3 years. I went from absolutly no understanding of social anything to being able to hold several complex conversations at once. Still have a hard time with body language but even there I'm improving. I'm better at empathy and am able to comfort a person when they need it and know when they don't want it. Basically it seems I've been doing 10 years of mental growth in under 3.

This is an issue that I have struggled with a bit (though not in the context of falling in love, since I barely have any experience in that). A lot of the time, I do feel like I identify more with things that are described as stereotypically female-- empathy, emotions, romanticism, etc. Sometimes I wonder if I'd have an easier time if I were a girl. At the same time, I'm attracted to girls.

But how should I look at that? I'm not so sure that I should conclude that this means I am "part female" or anything. The definitions of what is stereotypically male and female are determined by our culture-- they are just generalizations, and they can and do change. I think maybe the tricky thing is that as a person with AS, I don't instinctively sort people into the same categories as everyone else, and that includes myself. So it leads to confusion, but I'm not sure the source of it is inside me-- it's more of a communication issue with the outside world, like so many of my other sensory issues.

Yeah I know what you mean, and it is confusing to try and classify ourselves when our mental self is quite "out-of-line" you might say with our bodies. I can't really say anything about your situation but I will say that the most similar thing I've found to what I'm feeling is a Femme Lesbian but without the being Female part. I'm don't really care if my body is male or female but I would say thats the best way I can describe my mental self. You should just take some time, relax your mind and just try and analyze yourself. That will help a lot.

OP, while I think the concept you're describing is a bit complex, I'm wondering what you're identifying as problematic about your situation. What's bugging you about being able to relate to a woman so well? Is there a downside? Seriously, I think it would be cool to meet a guy like you (provided that you were certain about being straight...no girl wants to be dating a guy who's discovering his alternative lifestylist side - it just makes you sad). You've kinda got the inside track on women....which seems like a win/win for you.