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Miyah
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Mon Feb 01, 2010 10:27 am

I recently moved into a condo complex, and I own it. Anyway, there is a guy who lives in my area and he sees me walking around outside. Yesterday, he was asking for my phone number when we bumped into each other and wanted to know if it was okay for him to come over to my unit and hang out. However, I said no and got at far away from him as possible. Then later, we bumped into each other again, and he asked me if I wanted to go out and do something. I told him that I am a student and study most of the time because I felt like was moving too fast. I also feel like I don't know this guy and don't go out with someone whom I don't know very well, or exhange phone numbers.

Was he moving too fast? How should I handle telling him no without being rude?



pschristmas
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Mon Feb 01, 2010 11:19 am

No, I don't think he was; from what my daughter tells me, this is pretty much the norm for getting to know someone. Do you think you'd like to get to know him better? If you do, the next time you see him, maybe you could suggest something that makes you comfortable -- a coffee shop, maybe, or a quick lunch somewhere, maybe just sit down for a conversation in the community center. That way, it's very casual and public and you get a chance to talk to him for more than a few seconds, but you're not obligated for an entire evening. If you don't, just continue to politely say, "No, thank you. I'm busy." :D



starygrrl
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Mon Feb 01, 2010 11:32 am

No its not. Not even close. He is asking you out on a date and to hang out for a bit. It is something with no obligations outside of that particular date. He is not moving to fast, in fact going out is literally one of the first steps in getting to know people.

The only way you are going to get to know him is spend time with him. He is obviously looking to get to know you. If he is asking to go out, I would take him up on the offer, but do it in some place neutral. Like a coffeeshop or resturant. I would keep him out of your condo (and stay out of his) until you know him better though.



Miyah
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Mon Feb 01, 2010 11:46 am

I understand if he's interested in getting to know me. However, he wanted to come over and hang out in my unit one-on-one. I am worried that this guy is only interested in sex.



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Mon Feb 01, 2010 12:27 pm

He's not moving too fast... how else is anyone supposed to get to know others if they don't hang out somewhere? The important part is that you don't like him in that way, and it seems like he is interested in you that way. So it wouldn't be good to go out with him alone since it could give him the wrong idea.

But it wouldn't hurt to try to get to know people and make some friends at your condo. He wants to get to know you, do you want to get to know him? Does he seem like an interesting person? If you really can't tell a guy's intentions make sure you just hang out in public if you do, or with other people around, don't be afraid to speak up or assert yourself is someone does something to make you feel uncomfortable. You should worry less about seeming rude and be more concerned about what you want.



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Mon Feb 01, 2010 12:34 pm

As others have posted, you may want to avoid having him hang out one-on-one in your unit, as you don't know him. Now, this would be a different situation if say you were hanging out with mutual friends, and he was joining in. Remember, there's safety in numbers.



Willard
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Mon Feb 01, 2010 12:37 pm

I think your instincts are right. If he was interested in getting to know you, he'd have invited you OUT first, not started bugging you to come to your place to 'hang out'. He's doing everything backwards, because the easy plan didn't work, so he falls back to the next easiest, then only as a last resort did he invite you out someplace neutral. This guy's behavior is predatory and desperate. That may be accidental, or it may simply be awkward and thoughtless, but I wouldn't trust it. If he had any genuine interest in you as a person and any confidence in himself, his first move would have been to invite you to a public place to get acquainted without pressure, then perhaps invite you to come and visit him whenever you felt comfortable with that, not try to invite himself into your space.

What I'm saying may sound formal and old fashioned to some, but I'm speaking as a guy with quite a bit of experience with both casual sex and bonded relationships. This guy is not trying to bond with you, he's fishing for a hookup.



Miyah
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Mon Feb 01, 2010 12:54 pm

Willard wrote:
I think your instincts are right. If he was interested in getting to know you, he'd have invited you OUT first, not started bugging you to come to your place to 'hang out'. He's doing everything backwards, because the easy plan didn't work, so he falls back to the next easiest, then only as a last resort did he invite you out someplace neutral. This guy's behavior is predatory and desperate. That may be accidental, or it may simply be awkward and thoughtless, but I wouldn't trust it. If he had any genuine interest in you as a person and any confidence in himself, his first move would have been to invite you to a public place to get acquainted without pressure, then perhaps invite you to come and visit him whenever you felt comfortable with that, not try to invite himself into your space.

What I'm saying may sound formal and old fashioned to some, but I'm speaking as a guy with quite a bit of experience with both casual sex and bonded relationships. This guy is not trying to bond with you, he's fishing for a hookup.


That is exactly what I noticed and found it was little fishy. At the store, he made comments like, "I want to know if it's alright to come knock on your door and for you to invite me over." Although I am interested in getting to know some people around the complex, he is one that I am not interested in. For one thing, I am worried about doing something with him like invite and then it will be too late and he will have taken advantage of me. The second time I saw him was when he asked me out but I wouldn't go out on a date with a guy until I got to know him better and there were interests on both sides of the coin. In this case, it was one-sided and too fast.



BlueMage
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Mon Feb 01, 2010 2:06 pm

The problem here is not being able to read nonverbal communication. Him saying "I want to know if it's alright to come knock on your door and for you to invite me over." Depending on the way he said it, it could have been very suggestive. Or I could also imagine just a nice person trying to reach out to someone, and just asking that in a genuine, straightforward manner because they too are not very adept at nonverbal communication.

In this case its clear that he wants more of a relationship than you want. Most men aren't predators who are going to throw you to the ground and rape you as soon as they get the chance, it probably wouldn't be a big deal to hang out with him alone, but since you are not confident in your intuitions about this sort of thing better safe than sorry I suppose.



Willard
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Mon Feb 01, 2010 2:44 pm

BlueMage wrote:
The problem here is not being able to read nonverbal communication. Him saying "I want to know if it's alright to come knock on your door and for you to invite me over." Depending on the way he said it, it could have been very suggestive. Or I could also imagine just a nice person trying to reach out to someone, and just asking that in a genuine, straightforward manner because they too are not very adept at nonverbal communication.



I don't care whether you're NT or AS, whether you're smooth or awkward socially, it is rude, pushy and highly SUSPICIOUS to invite yourself into someone else's home.

It begs the question: Why not first invite her to his place? Much more polite and gracious to say:

"I'm in [apt#] - Feel free to stop by sometime, and I'll make you dinner - I'm a lousy cook, but I make a mean peanut butter and jelly sandwich."
(btw, simple and corny as it may be, that actually worked for me)

Than: "Can I just show up and knock on your door? Why don't you invite me over to hang out?" Its just a single step from pushing yourself into someone's personal space uninvited to pushing yourself on them physically.

I just can't help but wonder why it wouldn't occur to him first to invite a girl to visit his place - is there something there he doesn't want her to see, or is he just afraid that inviting a girl to his apartment would make it more likely for his girlfriend to catch him cheating?



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Mon Feb 01, 2010 3:42 pm

Willard wrote:
I think your instincts are right. If he was interested in getting to know you, he'd have invited you OUT first, not started bugging you to come to your place to 'hang out'. He's doing everything backwards, because the easy plan didn't work, so he falls back to the next easiest, then only as a last resort did he invite you out someplace neutral. This guy's behavior is predatory and desperate. That may be accidental, or it may simply be awkward and thoughtless, but I wouldn't trust it. If he had any genuine interest in you as a person and any confidence in himself, his first move would have been to invite you to a public place to get acquainted without pressure, then perhaps invite you to come and visit him whenever you felt comfortable with that, not try to invite himself into your space.

What I'm saying may sound formal and old fashioned to some, but I'm speaking as a guy with quite a bit of experience with both casual sex and bonded relationships. This guy is not trying to bond with you, he's fishing for a hookup.


I'm glad you posted this, because "my spider sense was tingling" about the whole thing. When people were posting that this was the usual, I was thinking I must belong in the 19th century. Lemonade and porch swings for me. Seriously, this guy should know better than to invite himself over right away.


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Miyah
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Mon Feb 01, 2010 3:57 pm

When I told him no, something inside told me that I did the right thing in not giving him my phone number and turning him down when he tried asking me if I wanted to do something sometime. I just felt like he was even going to fast in asking me if I wanted to do something with him sometime and asking my what I like to do and not even get to know me to the point of where I feel comfortable. To me, that is a red flag going up right there.

It's not the issue of having Asperger's Syndrome but it's more an issue of being a woman and living alone. Meanwhile, others would look at me as if I am gullible and because they might think I get lonely and there is room to try and take advantage of me. I really want to protect my rights to live here alone, while being alert and street smart at the same time. This guy probably thought he could take advantage of me once he found out that I live alone.

At the same time, I am trying to get to know my neighbors and find ones who I can invite over and do things with but that's only after we have gotten to know each other, not this fast stuff.



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Mon Feb 01, 2010 5:22 pm

I agree that you did the right thing. He sounds really quite creepy. Inviting yourself over to a person you don't know/barely know's house is not cool at all. I would be very wary in your situation.



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Mon Feb 01, 2010 6:55 pm

wow, thanks Willard, for posting - I'd have trouble reading it if I were in that situation and what you said made a lot of sense out of things. You explained it in a way I really understood - I think I'm a lot clearer on the difference now.
Probably what my instincts may have told me but I may have ignored..


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Mon Feb 01, 2010 8:59 pm

I used to get random attention from guys sometimes when I was walking my dog. Granted, I had a bf at the time, but I still got creeped out when a guy simply saw me walking by and decided to abruptly invite me over or ask for my phone number or anything.

Maybe I'm paranoid, but it just seems like basic street smarts to avoid putting yourself in any kind of vulnerable position (private dwelling, or exchange of personal info) with some random person prior to getting to know them first. And these guys never said anything to me when they saw me with my bf. Therefore I assume they were desperately trying to get laid.

I just try not to talk to strangers much in general if they already know where I live or have any other info they could hypothetically use to take advantage of me, were they so inclined.

There was a guy I met through my neighborhood dog play-group who lived on the same street as me. We talked occasionally when our dogs were playing (just small talk) and said hi when we happened to see each other in the neighborhood. Then he started making comments about when and where he had seen my car parked. ("Did you move down the street?", "Are you working later hours now?", etc). One day, I found him in my backyard, playing with my dog. He had parked behind my car in the driveway, blocking my escape. He said he was going to the dog park and asked if I wanted to join him in his car. I said no. He left me alone eventually, but it was creepy. And he had no personal info other than where I lived.

I think it's always better to be safe than sorry. If a person's intentions are genuinely good, they won't mind taking the time to get to know you without invading your space.



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