I think my son may have Asperger's Syndrome

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Hi everybody, i am new to this website. I found it today while researching Asperger's on wikipedia. My nephew (turning 4 this weekend) was recently diagnosed with moderate Autism. Since his diagnosis i found out that my oldest son's Aunt on his father's side has adult Asperger's. She was never diagnosed as a child, but has had symptoms as long as i've ever known her. She was 7 when i met her brother. All of this got me thinking about my son, and a lot of the issues i've had with him throughout his life, and i just came to the conclusion today that he may have a mild case of Asperger's Syndrome himself. I talked it over with my sister (my nephew's mom) and she agrees with me that he fits several of the symptoms. We also remembered that when she first began to suspect her son was Autistic i told her not to be concerned, that he was just acting like my son had at his age. So now i'm stumped. My son is 11 years old, we home school, partially because i didn't want him being put in the public school system and being diagnosed with ADHD, and me being forced by the school system to medicate him. I have other reasons as well, but that did factor in to my decision. I'm not sure if i want to tell my son i think he may have Asperger's or not, and i'm also not sure if i want to attempt having him diagnosed or not. He already has low self esteem, and anger management issues we are trying to work through, which could be a result of feeling different than everybody else, or it could be because of me being hard on him about his behavior before i realized a lot of it is Asperger's symptoms. I'm afraid telling him what i think could make him feel worse about himself, and that attempting to diagnose may not work out because of his age, and the fact that we home school. His symptoms may not be severe enough to meet diagnostic criteria, or they may tell me his social issues are a result of us home schooling, which i don't believe is true. Do any of you have children you think may have a mild form of Autism, who choose not to have them diagnosed, or who feel your child may be better off not carrying around a label?

Peace.

Last edited by herbalmistress on 05 Feb 2010, 4:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.

To WrongPlanet!! !

It would be better if he is "labeled" provided that only knowledgeable medical
professionals need know and his education should be geared to finding and developing his strengths.

My son's confidence actually improved when he got his diagnosis. Finally he had an explanation about his social difficulties, and it helped to realise that many people he admires are also on the spectrum.

If your son is on the spectrum, he deserves to know it... not necessarily yet, but certainly when you think he can deal with it, and when you're able to introduce it to him in a way that won't make him feel bad. My Dad knew since I was three years old, but I didn't find out till I was thirty eight. It would have saved me decades of confusion and misery if he'd only told me why I couldn't fit in.

People deserve to understand themselves. If we treat autism and aspergers as a dirty secret to be hidden away, then it is seen as something shameful. It's not. It's a neurological difference, and properly understood it can actually bless your life in many ways. There are certainly aspects of my learning and interior life that are far richer than if I'd not been on the spectrum. Your son is still your son, whether you know his diagnosis or not. You owe it to him and to yourself not to hide from knowledge that can only help him understand himself and grow to accept himself, just as he is.

Don't make the mistake my Dad did. I know he did it out of love, but really... not knowing was far worse.

I think, given careful presentation, at his age, it would be better to tell him. It's an explanation. Too much younger, maybe wait. If you know the reason you aren't any good at tracking wild game is that you're a horse and not a dog, it will free you to be a horse and just learn methods how to get along with the dogs. Or that he is a Vulcan or Romulan or something living among Terrans. (that wrong planet thing.) I certainly wish I had known about mine earlier, when I was still young. Back then they just thought I was an underachiever, lazy, etc. and just lacked self-discipline. I felt so much better just knowing, even though it didn't change what I was doing or how I did it, just explained a lot of things.

That's illegal. They can't do that.

Welcome to WrongPlanet.

Remember, acceptance is the best cure.

That's not what i've heard. I've heard of schools calling Child Protective Services and having the parents taken to court to force them to medicate a child if the school psychologist deemed it appropriate and the parents did not want to comply. Schools commonly do many things they are not supposed to, for example telling parents their child is required by law to be vaccinated to attend school when in fact that is a flat out lie. In the state of Texas you give the school a vaccination exemption form and that's the end of it, but that's not what the school staff will tell you when you try to enroll.

Peace.

Last edited by herbalmistress on 05 Feb 2010, 4:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I think as long as he's old enough to understand what Asperger's is, it would be more helpful to him to have that knowledge rather than to be in the dark. I can't speak for those with autism, but as someone who has ADHD and didn't find out until adulthood, I think it would have been helpful to have had a frame of reference for my feelings of being "different" and not acting appropriately or having the same thought process as everyone else. My diagnosis has lent me the ability to be more introspective -- I can stand back from a situation somewhat and say "Is this me acting as Heather, or is this the ADHD causing me to make this totally stupid and impulsive decision?" I'm not sure how this would work with someone with Asperger's, but I find that I use my diagnosis a lot when trying to figure out if I'm doing something self-destructive, obnoxious, or unnecessary, which are problem areas for those with AS from what I understand. I don't necessarily tell people about the diagnosis, but it empowers ME internally to know why I feel different. It is hard going through life different and wondering what you're doing wrong. A diagnosis could be really helpful to his self-worth, especially if you approach it with sensitivity and compassion. However, at 11, when the last thing you want to be is labeled as different, he might feel angry about it. I think as his parent, you will probably be able to sense what is the right time to tell him.

I'm confused about this because i don't understand how having my son diagnosed is a requirement for me accepting him or helping him learn to accept himself. I can share my insights and observations with my son and help him develop his strengths without having someone else be like "Yup, he's ASD all right," or "Well he doesn't quite meet the criteria," and having my son stressed out by it all in the process. Is it not good enough to look at every person as a unique individual with their own unique needs? I never fit in with others in my peer group growing up, and i know i'm not on the spectrum. The only explanation i needed for not fitting in was that i am a unique person. I've learned a lot of self acceptance although i am very different than a lot of people without needing a label, maybe my son can too. I guess i was assuming that more people on this website would view it that way.

Peace.

Last edited by herbalmistress on 05 Feb 2010, 4:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.

We have quite a few families here who homeschool; it can be a great option for Aspies

As for what the school would or would not try to force you to do ... it varies so much. It really depends on the district, the leadership, and the professionals you work with. Ours have been great, and very much in support of my position on avoiding medication, but I know that isn't true everywhere.

Since your son is 11, assuming he is as self-aware as my son at that age, I would talk to him about your thoughts, and get his feedback on entering an evaluation process. Way back when my son entered the evaluation process, we talked about how we (including him) were all aware of certains gaps and differences, and that maybe the process would give us a reason. And we talked about how when you know the reason, you know what to do about it. He was only 7 at the time but very much on board with the concept: he wanted an answer to the questions he saw in his own life. Most of these kids do, and as long as they aren't surrounded by negative concepts of the autistic spectrum, they tend to find having the explanation to be a relief. Only you can decide if that is likely with your child, but many of us have seen it with our kids.

If I was already homeschooling and already fairly certain AS fit, I don't know if I would have proceeded with a formal evaluation. We had no idea it was AS at the time, and we very much needed to solve issues that were occuring with schooling. Our evaluation was, in fact, done by the school (school use only; we've passed on doing a medical since we don't "need" it). So part of the question is asking what you might get from a formal evaluation. Sometimes it is enough to feel you "know" in your own heart. How far you need to go, only you and your son can decide.

Best of luck. AS kids are gifts.

Herbalmistress, Cockney just means that if you do decide your son is AS (with or without a formal diagnosis) that accepting him as he is will be more important than any type of treatment. There can be a lot of pressure to enter into different treatments, and when you are in the middle of that is when you might sit back and be able to say, "oh, now I see why she said that."

I understand avoiding getting a formal diagnosis. My son is in preschool with special services and getting one diagnosis (speech) led to another and another and now they will push for AS. I am sure they mean well but that doesn't mean they can not do harm.

Regarding DX for self-purpose, maybe you can try to introduce the subject gradually, like discussing a character in a movie and see how he will react. Will he have a positive emotion to someone that has the same traits as him or not. Eventually he may figure it himself and than it won't have a "stigma" of an official DX but he may feel better that he may belong somewhere.

I think i understand where you are all coming from. It's going to take me a little time to decide how i want to handle the situation, but i appreciate all the input. I'll probably hang around here and read for a while, at the very least, before i decide what i think would be best for my son.

Peace.

Last edited by herbalmistress on 05 Feb 2010, 4:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I did not realize I had learning disabilities and tourettes untill I was in college. All those years I was a freak, at least in my opinion I was. When I got an explanation, I was relived and hurt, hurt because no one told me, and I had a right to know. I would have coped better had I had known. I would have researched I would have found stratagies and I would have felt so much better about myself because I would have known it wasn't my fault. All those years I just hate that I didn't know. Why hide it, if he's aspie he may find out on his own, then you will have an angry aspie on your hands. He may say..."Why didn't you tell me?"