being mistaken for something else

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does anyone else feel like they are attracting people who are really looking for borderlines/neurotic types? I think that my lack of facial expression and submissive behavior (again, lack of) that is typical to the average female may be drawing potential love interests into my life that are looking to work through stuff from their past, maybe issues with a borderline mother or something. The thing is, I am not borderline, and I get very deeply hurt...there is a degree of consciencelessness that borderlines have that is an insulation to dealing with consequences that I do not have, on the contrary I am way overly responsible to the point of being codependent. But I am beginning to suspect that my body language and expressionlessness, my formal speech, etc, are setting me in the category of the 'withholding/castrating b***h' archetype that some folks want to work through issues with. This is a very recent realization that I have come to. I was attracted to someone who was seeing a third party who was in my opinion a screaming borderline because she was putting this person through hell with no apparent conscience about it, and then I realized that what if this person was drawn to me for the same reason, because of their issues and what they were looking to work through...because I definitely can be blunt and emotionless but it is because of misinterpretations or just not understanding what is going on at the exact moment, sometimes it takes a few days or even a week for the light bulb to turn on...not because I don't care but because I don't 'get it'. I have just hit upon this realization and don't really know what to think about it but it has happened at least two other times in my life...

Whatever it is I really want it to stop. Any thoughts or suggestions?

As a test, go camping. Being wet, cold, hungry and miserable makes a lot of the mental stuff come right out.

If it's somehow your fault that it rains, and that there's mosquitoes, and so on... you know who you're dealing with.

I'm not 100% sure I get what you're saying.
To reiterate your post:"I attract emotionally unhealthy people, and I wish I didn't"
Is that what you're trying to say? If I misunderstand you at any point, I apologize.

Regarding some of the specific things you said in your original post, tho: People who have issues don't tend to primarily identify themselves as a person with issues. It's a pretty abstract idea, since it only exists relative to other people's emotional health. They might think of themselves as having issues, but it's more like a side-thought, a vague comparison. They simply are who they are, in their own minds, primarily. So I doubt people tend to think to themselves, "The kind of partner I want should match me, so they should seem to have issues too."

Nor do I think people with self-identified issues seek to 'work out their issues' by being with a particular kind of partner. It's just not intuitive, and people are usually smart enough to think of a better way to cope. Not only that, people tend to seek good feelings, although sometimes that intention can get subverted.

Instead, I think there's probably some other different reason you'd attract neurotic/unhealthy people. It's hard to say what it is, but I doubt it's the above reasons.

One aspect might factor in: That of mystery, suspense, or novelty. For whatever reason, people become more engaged when full gratification is withheld. Imagine another person could 'download' the story of your life in an instant; then from that point on, you have nothing new to tell that person about you. If you did that, the person could become more prone to boredom. There's nothing more (on that subject) to look forward to, to be curious about, to speculate about.

Then in contrast, there's (apparently?) you. Well, I don't know you, so I'm not gonna speculate too much. Instead, I'll tell you about an encounter I had a 2 years ago. I met a young lady, and we seemed to be interested in each other, but she was very shy, or perhaps just quiet for whatever reason. As I drove somewhere with her, I'd ask her questions, as I knew nothing about her. Very often, in response to mundane, not-very-personal questions, she'd give vague, non-helpful answers - "I don't know." "oh, you know, whatever." "Just random stuff, nothing interesting" "*shrug*"

This drove me NUTS. In multiple ways. Because, like any individual, I knew there was more to her than that but she was withholding for... some reason? Or was she shy? I don't know! But, really, the reason ceased to matter; What was important, in terms of my reaction, was that she withheld the gratification of an answer, and remained perpetually a mystery that I couldn't gain any insight into. And so, when she went home, she remained a mystery who continued to rattle around in my head, and a small 'mania' began to take root.

Ever played with a cat with a piece of yarn? You could just drop the string, let the cat have it, and it'd play with it for a bit, then run off elsewhere to do something else. But if you keep on YANKING the yarn out of reach, the cat goes nuts. The cat tears around the house following that string, jumps, loses all objectivity, entirely engrossed in the prey that it has not yet caught. It probably takes quite a while for that string to get old, the cat is completely within it's thrall, so long as you keep it out of reach most of the time.

Same idea here. That girl had me wrapped around her finger.
Although, in her case, she was apparently totally unaware, and after many many attempts to get her to open up a bit, I got frustrated and stopped talking to her. ... It took a while though.

So, my personal story aside, perhaps that's basically whats going on here? You're unwittingly baiting them via lack of availability?

Take note, ladies: Reliable method of seducing a man. =op
Just don't abuse us.

I like this. I think the meaning of it might be over my head so I need to think about it a bit.

yes...but I'm pretty specific in that I'm suspecting I'm attracting people who are looking for borderlines because aspects of my being on the spectrum mark me as someone who has those characteristics. We have posts on here about how people have misconceptions that aspies are emotionless, can't show love, can't be in love, etc, etc...the whole thing around empathy, expressing it, feeling it, interpreting situations where it is needed. I'm basing my suspicions on what they are looking for based on the prior girlfriends these women have had and other people they are attracted to, and I'm thinking that aspects of my behavior are being misinterpreted as consciencelessless instead of cluelessness (or really, a delayed understanding of what is taking place, usually not 'getting it' or understanding what the person is saying until it is too late.)


Nor do I think people with self-identified issues seek to 'work out their issues' by being with a particular kind of partner. It's just not intuitive, and people are usually smart enough to think of a better way to cope.

My experience in relationships is that they do, until the prior trauma is resolved. Maybe not consciously, but certainly subconsciously

Instead, I think there's probably some other different reason you'd attract neurotic/unhealthy people. It's hard to say what it is, but I doubt it's the above reasons.


This is something that has just come to me in the last few days, so I really don't know. I've been in recovery for almost 2 decades so I know what my issues are, although new stuff is surfacing every day. This just kind of hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday, because I've posted here in terms of what my behavior is and how I misunderstand other people, but not in terms of how I 'come off' to others or what that may be attracting. I see alot of posts on here about isolated interactions and how we are misunderstood but this is the first time I've thought my innappropriate 'theory of mind' stuff could be misread by someone looking for a certain type of partner to move through love deficit stuff with. I know this was a very loaded post, though, addressing some pretty complex issues that are probably deeper than most people want to go here. I also understand that as I attract others I am attracted myself so I have to address what I am attracted to and why. But there is certainly reason to suspect that I am being misinterpreted on a serial, sequential basis and incorrect conclusions are being drawn...if it's possible for this to happen on a basis of individual interactions with people on a daily basis it's certainly possible for it to happen enough for someone to draw an incorrect impression. I think I am not walking away soon enough because I am so determined to 'straighten out' the misunderstandings once I realize they have taken place and 'prove' that I am not uncaring...but I have to accept sooner that people maybe be looking for someone uncaring in order to vent anger of their own. I'm tired of people 'making me into' something from their imagination based on their needs instead of trying to understand what is truly going on. (I'm just thinking in print here). So the responsibility is mine to just walk away if the person shows no willingness to truly understand.

Thanks so much for your thoughtful post, it has really helped me think through this!

now that i think about it, i attracted a clever, shy guy who who is easily depressed. he finds it hard to adjust to new settings. we do confide in each other. but we try to encourage each other.