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poopylungstuffing
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19 Feb 2010, 8:02 pm

no..I think I was the one who hijacked the thread/



release_the_bats
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21 Feb 2010, 11:33 am

musicboxforever wrote:
I was told by a close female friend that someone said to her about me,"what does she need me for, she's got everything she needs." I had just moved house that weekend and he saw that (I'm not sure how to phrase this) I was settled, I had everything I needed for the kitchen, I have furniture, I'm independent of my parents, whereas he lives at home with his folks. She also said on a later date that guys view me as the girl that no one can have.


After I grew more confident and made some good friends, I found out that all the time I thought of myself as a "shy nobody" / "wallflower", people were actually intimidated by me. 8O I don't think about what my body looks like, and take my knowledge and skills for granted as "weird and geeky". I had thought that people didn't talk to me because they assumed I was boring because I didn't talk much. Instead, it turns out that a lot of people were too intimidated to talk to me because they thought I was really smart and attractive. 8O 8O 8O

(I don't normally use that many emoticons - I was really shocked by this revelation. I mean, intimidatingly smart and good-looking?? WTF??? I'm a shy, awkward, clumsy geek.)

I don't want to intimidate anyone. I want people to view me as approachable because I'm basically a humble person who just wants to get along with everyone I know and appreciate people for who they are.

What's really frustrating is that I have been rejected by guys for being "too good" for them, but when I make a point of revealing my flaws so that I'll seem more imperfect just like everyone else, that doesn't really help matters . . .

It seems the best way to get around the "unapproachable" thing is to make a habit of being the first to say hi to people, which is not the kind of thing that tends to come naturally to an aspie but, nonetheless, is possible. Learning that people see me as "unapproachable" / "intimidating" has actually given me incentive to rise to the challenge of becoming more out-going, and I'll admit it's boosted my confidence a bit. With this knowledge, I have the courage to say hi to people and strike up conversations with them.

Unfortunately, it still tends to be the creepiest guys who express interest in me in any kind of obvious way (because they make a habit of expressing interest in every female). The nice guys are too shy. That's why my relationships tend to develop out of long-term friendships in which we know each other too well for the intimidation thing to play a prominent role.

Still, it bothers me when I flirt with a guy in an obvious way, over a period of time, and he doesn't get the message because he's already assumed I'm "out of his league" or whatever. I always find out later, after admitting, "I used to have a crush on you, and tried flirting with you, but you obviously weren't interested, haha, it's cool that we're friends. No big deal," to which the guy responds with extreme shock, "WHAT?? YOU liked ME? WHY??? How could you possibly like me? I'm just a shy nobody and you're a beautiful, intelligent young woman," to which I want to reply, "No, I'm a shy nobody and you're a beautiful intelligent man."



IdahoRose
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21 Feb 2010, 2:29 pm

I think men find me unapproachable because every time I go out in public, I'm with one or both of my parents. It certainly doesn't help that I have poor hygiene and don't dress up.



MorbidMiss
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21 Feb 2010, 2:38 pm

Not dressing up is actually not much of a deterrent to the average person. Poor hygiene will turn just about anyone away though. Honestly, same advice as I have offered to guys... just be clean and tidy. It goes a long way. No holes, stains or smells can make such a huge difference when interacting with people.



musicboxforever
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22 Feb 2010, 5:52 am

release_the_bats wrote:

I don't want to intimidate anyone. I want people to view me as approachable because I'm basically a humble person who just wants to get along with everyone I know and appreciate people for who they are.

What's really frustrating is that I have been rejected by guys for being "too good" for them, but when I make a point of revealing my flaws so that I'll seem more imperfect just like everyone else, that doesn't really help matters . . .


Yeah, I relate to that. People have this odd sort of view of me that I'm quite "good", whatever that means. My sister even views me like that. She thinks that she is the rebellious one and I'm the good one. The truth is I just know when to keep my mouth shut. There is probably only one person on the planet who trully knows me. I'm just quiet.


Quote:
Unfortunately, it still tends to be the creepiest guys who express interest in me in any kind of obvious way (because they make a habit of expressing interest in every female). The nice guys are too shy.


Yep, same here. I sometimes wonder if I should have given one of these creepy guys a chance, but I got the feeling that I was only the next in line to be asked out and the only real interest they had in me was not because of who I am as a person, but because I was female and they were just going through all the women they knew until one said yes. I like a nice guy, but he's just so shy I get so angry with him for not trying and then I don't talk to him and he thinks I don't like him. Argh!

Quote:
Still, it bothers me when I flirt with a guy in an obvious way, over a period of time, and he doesn't get the message because he's already assumed I'm "out of his league" or whatever. I always find out later, after admitting, "I used to have a crush on you, and tried flirting with you, but you obviously weren't interested, haha, it's cool that we're friends. No big deal," to which the guy responds with extreme shock, "WHAT?? YOU liked ME? WHY??? How could you possibly like me? I'm just a shy nobody and you're a beautiful, intelligent young woman," to which I want to reply, "No, I'm a shy nobody and you're a beautiful intelligent man."


My sister told me that this guy I used to like actually liked me back. Unfortunately he's married now. Why oh why didn't he tell me at the time. And so it goes on...



MizLiz
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23 Feb 2010, 12:45 am

Guys just plain don't flirt with me. I think it's probably because I'm not very attractive, but maybe it has to do with my not talking to anyone when I'm actually out of my house and not looking at people. I don't get why men are such p*****s.



musicboxforever
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23 Feb 2010, 4:21 am

MizLiz wrote:
Guys just plain don't flirt with me. I think it's probably because I'm not very attractive, but maybe it has to do with my not talking to anyone when I'm actually out of my house and not looking at people. I don't get why men are such p*****s.



Oooh, don't say that to any of the guys on here that can't find a girlfriend. They'll eat you for breakfast. They all say that they are shy and it shouldn't be up to the guy to make the first move. I don't think that they understand that girls get scared too.

But I understand what you say about not talking or looking at anyone. I tend to do that at times and especially if I really like a guy. I feel really exposed and inferior and ashamed of how I feel and then I don't talk to him. So how would he ever know I liked him.

It's difficult sometimes.



MizLiz
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25 Feb 2010, 2:18 am

Most of the girls I know get hit on a lot. Even if it's in a really offensive way like "Hey baby, nice tits!"

I've never had that happen to me. It might actually be refreshing for a guy to proposition me.



coffee
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25 Feb 2010, 4:06 am

That sounds like me. Outwardly many person - especially men - have the opinion I am a tuff woman. Nothing can bring me out of the rest. Everything on my path can be done by myself. Unfortunately, that's not right. It is only to maintain a facade, day by day.

And another thing: I can talk very well. The more articulate someone is, the less someone believes him that he has a weaknesses.

I often get told, "You need nobody anyway ..." NO, that's not true.

Also, I was often told by men's side, that I appear unapproachable.

All in all partnerships and friendships are really to difficult.


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About_A_Girl
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04 Jul 2010, 10:11 am

coffee wrote:
That sounds like me. Outwardly many person - especially men - have the opinion I am a tuff woman. Nothing can bring me out of the rest. Everything on my path can be done by myself. Unfortunately, that's not right. It is only to maintain a facade, day by day.

And another thing: I can talk very well. The more articulate someone is, the less someone believes him that he has a weaknesses.

I often get told, "You need nobody anyway ..." NO, that's not true.

Also, I was often told by men's side, that I appear unapproachable.

All in all partnerships and friendships are really to difficult.


It happened many times to me.

I remember a time when I was in Junior high and about to enter some sort of competition. Many people came up to my teammate, a girl, and said things like "you'll do great" "take it easy". She said that "you guys should cheer her [meaning me] up as well". Then my classmates simply said "she won't need any cheers anyway". I felt very bad at this kind of remarks, though it seems like from others' point of view I was some kind of super girl.

I guess for girls, an important element of bonding is to share your weaknesses and let others know your needs at the right time. I am not very good at that. I hide mine because I'm afraid they will expose my fragile side and lead others to treating me bad.

But since I know it in later years, I learn to tell others my small problems which I don't think that significant but which give people access to my life. People will think you are more welcoming this way. I know little about guys, but I assume they will feel the same?



musicboxforever
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05 Jul 2010, 9:07 am

About_A_Girl wrote:
I guess for girls, an important element of bonding is to share your weaknesses and let others know your needs at the right time. I am not very good at that. I hide mine because I'm afraid they will expose my fragile side and lead others to treating me bad.

But since I know it in later years, I learn to tell others my small problems which I don't think that significant but which give people access to my life. People will think you are more welcoming this way. I know little about guys, but I assume they will feel the same?


I think that you are right. I noticed that i became closer to one of my female friends once I had opened up to her a bit more and she saw that I had weaknesses. I remember one time I admitted that I fancied one of her husband's friends and I think she was really touched that I opened up about that.



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05 Jul 2010, 8:31 pm

Lads barely notice me in real life, I'm only really friend material. Although one of my close friends really wants to get inside my pants because he's hinted for years but it's not a mutual feeling.
On the internet though I get more luck, it's annoying though because I don't know them IRL even though I want to. I'd probably fancy some of these guys if they didn't live miles and miles away.


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MissConstrue
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05 Jul 2010, 10:56 pm

MONKEY wrote:
Lads barely notice me in real life, I'm only really friend material. Although one of my close friends really wants to get inside my pants because he's hinted for years but it's not a mutual feeling.
On the internet though I get more luck, it's annoying though because I don't know them IRL even though I want to. I'd probably fancy some of these guys if they didn't live miles and miles away.


Same here.


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