have you ever felt like someone was trying to destroy you?



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alana
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25 Mar 2010, 4:29 am

like you thought they liked you (romantically) but the more it goes on it seems they want to torment you? has anyone ever experienced this? Kind of like they are a cat playing with a mouse....

what could be in it for them?, I mean, what would be the motivation and what gratification would they be seeking?

I have at times spotted on this site when aspies are trying to apply logic to things that are illogical and I may possibly be doing this at the moment. But I would just really like to understand this? Perhaps it would help, perhaps not.



monsterland
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25 Mar 2010, 4:43 am

Quote:
like you thought they liked you (romantically) but the more it goes on it seems they want to torment you? has anyone ever experienced this? Kind of like they are a cat playing with a mouse....


The only motivation that comes to mind, is that they're trying to annoy you into dumping them.



Sound
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25 Mar 2010, 4:45 am

That sounds horrible!
I can't imagine being put into such a paranoid state of mind, it sounds scary.

alana wrote:
what could be in it for them?, I mean, what would be the motivation and what gratification would they be seeking?
The only thing I can think of is that they feel powerless elsewhere, and creates the impulse to 'make up' for it.

alana wrote:
I have at times spotted on this site when aspies are trying to apply logic to things that are illogical and I may possibly be doing this at the moment.
I have the sneaking suspicion I'm one such perpetrator. I'd be appreciative if you could inject your line of thought any time you see that happen.



alana
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25 Mar 2010, 4:45 am

I think it's some really complicated emotional bsdm stuff going on. I just should get a lobotomy and sit in a corner and drool for the rest of my life.

thanks sound for that aspect of powerlessness it makes sense.

it's funny on here I have spotted people struggling with games like this and everyone on the thread is screaming 'run away, run away' and the person is trying to make sense of the behavior so they can lay it to rest. I don't know when I myself am doing it, but I can see when other people are. It's like we have to put all the puzzle pieces in the right place and then we can put the puzzle away.



LostAlien
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25 Mar 2010, 7:33 am

alana wrote:
it's funny on here I have spotted people struggling with games like this and everyone on the thread is screaming 'run away, run away' and the person is trying to make sense of the behavior so they can lay it to rest. I don't know when I myself am doing it, but I can see when other people are. It's like we have to put all the puzzle pieces in the right place and then we can put the puzzle away.


I like your analogy. I feel that it may be true for all emotional issues with us on the Spectrum.



Lene
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25 Mar 2010, 8:06 am

alana wrote:
like you thought they liked you (romantically) but the more it goes on it seems they want to torment you? has anyone ever experienced this? Kind of like they are a cat playing with a mouse....

what could be in it for them?, I mean, what would be the motivation and what gratification would they be seeking?

I have at times spotted on this site when aspies are trying to apply logic to things that are illogical and I may possibly be doing this at the moment. But I would just really like to understand this? Perhaps it would help, perhaps not.


Has the person you like actually said they fancy you? Perhaps you are picking up their signals wrong; some people are just naturally flirty, others may fancy you but are unavailable/ unwilling to ask you out.

I can think of a couple of reasons why someone may be sending out the wrong signals;

1. they are not aware of it
2. they know you fancy them and like the feeling of power. They don't necessarily fancy you back
3. they fancy you back but are extremely shy

Whatever the reason is, it takes two to play a game of cat and mouse, so if you're sick of it the best thing you can do is extract yourself from the situation and force yourself to view the other party platonically or avoid them. Alternatively, you could put them on the spot and ask them out. There is a chance they have been waiting for you to do that all along, and if not, then at least you have a clear answer.



HopeGrows
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25 Mar 2010, 10:39 am

@Alana, you've gotten good feedback here. I know you'll consider the points @Lene has raised, and if after considering them, you come to the conclusion that the situation is as you originally described, then you may want to consider the following.

I want to reiterate your own idea about applying logic to an illogical situation or, in your case, a pattern of behavior. I'm not making light of your situation by making this statement, but here goes: crazy people do crazy things. When I say "crazy" I'm not talking about people who are obviously mentally ill - I'm talking about the walking wounded who travel among us (and who we may be at certain times during our lives). Even though a person seems psychologically healthy, it doesn't mean they are. When they start engaging in a pattern of behavior that doesn't make sense, it's probably a good indication that they've got issues that you don't want any part of.

I totally get your need to understand the behavior - trust me, I've been there. What's in it for them? Who knows? Could be power, could be selfishness, could be they're just stringing you along until they see if someone better comes along, could be they like to be in control and want to see if they can control you, maybe they just get off on "stirring the pot"....the list goes on and on. From my perspective, the important thing is that you've recognized that the pattern of behavior is consistently messed up - now you've got to decide what to do with that information. You cannot change this person's behavior, and you'll drive yourself nuts trying to. So your choice is to continue to subject yourself to it, or withdraw.

One of my best friends was married to a guy - it was a second marriage for both. She had no children, he had two from his first marriage, and his ex-wife was a nut. Because my friend was a pretty rational, pretty healthy person, she absolutely could not understand the way the ex-wife thought and behaved. She started driving herself nuts trying to anticipate this woman's reactions to issues around child custody and support, and to somehow preemptively manage her reactions. You know, "If I do this, and say this just so, she'll have to be satisfied." I finally said to her, "Kiddo, the only thing you know for sure about her is that she'll never be satisfied. That's her thing - she's the fly in the ointment, the pain in your a$$. If you keep trying to please her, you'll both wind up nuts. So do whatever you believe to be the right thing, and expect her to complain." It was like magic. The ex-wife still complained and acted like a nut, but it rolled right off my friend. Just something to think about....


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alana
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25 Mar 2010, 3:48 pm

thanks everyone for the feedback. @hopegrows I think so much of what you are saying is true. This one thing that I know is hurting me is that when I have a special interest I tend to accumulate alot of knowledge about it, so I am used to having more knowledge than most people about alot of things. And I had psychology as a special interest for a long time so I have this arrogance that says if I am attracted to someone who behaves in weird ways then it's okay because I know why they do it and I can help them and explain to them why they do and once I enlighten them then they will stop doing it and we can live happily ever after. It's codependency with an aspie twist. I really care about this person. But I think it is a 'trying to see if they can control' plus a 'waiting for someone better' (which always happens because they are incredibly attractive so there is always a few dozen people waiting for their chance in line with her).

reasons I can't let go of it are my own though and it is really affecting my self-esteem.



HopeGrows
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25 Mar 2010, 4:39 pm

alana wrote:
thanks everyone for the feedback. @hopegrows I think so much of what you are saying is true. This one thing that I know is hurting me is that when I have a special interest I tend to accumulate alot of knowledge about it, so I am used to having more knowledge than most people about alot of things. And I had psychology as a special interest for a long time so I have this arrogance that says if I am attracted to someone who behaves in weird ways then it's okay because I know why they do it and I can help them and explain to them why they do and once I enlighten them then they will stop doing it and we can live happily ever after. It's codependency with an aspie twist. I really care about this person. But I think it is a 'trying to see if they can control' plus a 'waiting for someone better' (which always happens because they are incredibly attractive so there is always a few dozen people waiting for their chance in line with her).

reasons I can't let go of it are my own though and it is really affecting my self-esteem.


Oh sister....yeah, it is codependency with an Aspie twist (although the knowledge of psychology isn't really all that Aspie). I know you know this, but I've got to say it - you can't "enlighten" her. You can be 100% right about whatever her problem is, but if she's not ready to hear it, nothing is going to make her hear it. She'll wind up resenting you, or feeling embarrassed, or just being angry....not any reactions that help a relationship grow and thrive. She's got to be ready, hon. She's got to be willing to admit there's a problem, while still being able to acknowledge that the problem does not define her - or make her worthless.

When people aren't ready to deal, they deny, deny, deny. And if you insist (so they can't deny), they'll push you away, or turn it around so you're the problem....."If you really loved me, you wouldn't notice it/talk about it/ask me to deal with it...." I know how hard it is to walk away from someone who's good looking, too - we're all human. But as much as you want to say, "Why can't you just deal with this mess so you can get your act together and we can be happy together?" - she'll only deal with it when it's worth it to her to deal with it. And if you're really, really, really honest with yourself, isn't it possible that you're incredibly taken with the person you wish she was, rather than the person she truly is?


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Fishimonimus
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25 Mar 2010, 5:25 pm

i've recently known someone who i believed liked me romantically, i think they then tried to play around with me after she started hanging around with another guy, and a friend of hers said she "couldnt decide" who to go with.
was probably some kind of way for her to make us both jealous and see who would make the most effort, had the complete opposite effect on me



alana
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25 Mar 2010, 6:41 pm

HopeGrows wrote:
. And if you're really, really, really honest with yourself, isn't it possible that you're incredibly taken with the person you wish she was, rather than the person she truly is?


I think we are two halves of the same unresolved trauma trying to work it out through another person. I wasn't aware of the extent of this within myself til I met her. I am not sure how much awareness she has.



FabulousFemale
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25 Mar 2010, 7:22 pm

alana wrote:
like you thought they liked you (romantically) but the more it goes on it seems they want to torment you? has anyone ever experienced this? Kind of like they are a cat playing with a mouse....

what could be in it for them?, I mean, what would be the motivation and what gratification would they be seeking?

I have at times spotted on this site when aspies are trying to apply logic to things that are illogical and I may possibly be doing this at the moment. But I would just really like to understand this? Perhaps it would help, perhaps not.


It's perfectly logical, alana. Some people get a high off pulling a person's strings. They get a sense of power knowing they can lead you on and have you fall for it. Cruel people without a life do this.

Other times, it may be the attention they need from you so they can feel better about themselves. They may not really like you romantically, but want to keep you on that string so they can feed off of your admiration of them. Weak, pathetic people do this.

Never try to get inside someone else's head because you'll never really and truly know what it is they are thinking -- even if they tell you, they could be lying. The only thing that matters is how YOU feel about them and what YOU think about the situation.

Do you feel better being around this person? Does this person make you feel happy inside?

Sounds to me like your radar has already gone off and is telling you this person is no good for you. Good riddance to them, I'd say.


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alana
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26 Mar 2010, 4:15 am

FabulousFemale wrote:
It's perfectly logical, alana. Some people get a high off pulling a person's strings. They get a sense of power knowing they can lead you on and have you fall for it. Cruel people without a life do this.

Other times, it may be the attention they need from you so they can feel better about themselves. They may not really like you romantically, but want to keep you on that string so they can feed off of your admiration of them. Weak, pathetic people do this.



I believe it is one of those two. After this last thing that was done I have to conclude that she really really hates me. Loathes, despises, wants me impaled on a spike or buried to the neck and eaten a piece at a time by vultures and various insects. I don't understand it. Trying to understand this is harder than trying to understand freaking theoretical physics. Why did I think I could make sense of a human? She hates me. I give up.



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