It all makes sense... I have Asperger's syndrome.

Page 1 of 1 [ 13 posts ] 

stratify
Butterfly
Butterfly

User avatar

Joined: 9 Apr 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 14

10 Apr 2010, 2:46 am

Throughout my life, I've had such a hard time having conversation. The entire thing seemed so illogical, so random and arbitrary. I never really thought anything was wrong with me when I was young. I just simply thought I was just shy. Recently, I tried to make friends. I tried to learn to socialize. I tried to study conversation. I failed.

In the beginning, you state a conversation starter to grab their attention such as, "Hey", or "Good morning! How are you?"
Person Two then responds by stating saying something like, "Pretty good. How about yourself?"
You then say something to casually introduce yourself. So you might say something like, "I just started working here. My name's Jeff." Person two then introduces him/herself, "Nice to meet you Jeff. I'm Jerry."

Apparently, conversation starters like these are required before talking about other topics. Examples of introductory topics (once introduced) include, "Nice weather today, huh?", "Oh wow, did you get a new haircut? or "How was your weekend?"

From here, you need to either use the conversation starter to talk about more interesting things, or change the topic and discuss something else. For example, from the previous dialogue, you can state something like, "I just graduated from BLAH University and started working here as an entry-level consultant." Person Two then may say, "Oh wow, my sister went to your university!" If Person Two has nothing to comment about it, then you change the topic. In which case, you might want to say something like, "So how do you like working here?"

From here, you need to ask questions or make statements while not being too random. I get stuck here. What is normal? What is random? I don't really know. To understand this, I need to learn about normal conversation topics. I know that topics like sex life, religion, homosexuality, and salary are off-limits unless you have a close relationship with that person. There are apparently different levels of friendship and intimacy, but I cannot identify it easily. What is my level of relationship with the other? What kind of questions am I allowed to ask? None of this comes to me naturally. I need to study and learn how to have conversation. It's so painfully difficult.

I sometimes get stuck while having a conversation. In order to appear relatively normal, I must always think about my line of thinking before speaking. I need to properly analyze if my questions/statements are appropriate and confirm which nouns, adjectives, and verbs are involved. If I don't do this, I'll talk like this: "Hey, you know the uh..... um...... ball.... football!, ummm... have you seen it? ...er... watched it last night?" I often force myself to use filler words like ,"uh", "um", "you know?", "right?", etc.

I also have a hard time showing emotions during conversations. I must FORCE my tone and volume and my facial expression to change in order to pretend to be interested or shocked. My sad, worried, and happy faces are often superficial. I simply do it because it is appropriate for the situation. These "emotional" responses during conversation are not natural. Most of it was learned. That's not to say I don't have remorse, guilt, or sadness. I do. I just find it hard to relate to others emotionally with myself.

Until I understood my condition, I thought I was just shy because I didn't like to share my interests. However, I then learned that Asperger's syndrome causes the reluctance of telling or pointing out interests. I always imagined no one cared about my interests and felt that they wouldn't find it interesting the way I do.

I used to twitch. I used to talk to myself since I had no friends. I learned to correct these behaviors and repress it. My used to avoid eye contact but learned to fix this as well.

I was considered to be smart when I was in grade school. I was diligent enough to get good grades in college. My work performance is also satisfactory. I know I'm not less-talented or less-capable in any way compared to a normal person EXCEPT socializing. It feels so unfair that some people, even preteens, can easily have conversation but I can't overcome it despite the tremendous amount of effort I put into it. It feels like part of my brain is missing.

If I tell others of my condition, they will consider me to be a freak. If I don't tell them about my condition, they'll think I'm cold and condescending. The reason I cut my conversations short is not because I don't want to talk to them, but simply because it's painfully difficult to continue the conversation. I never wanted to be like this and it wasn't my choice. Most people don't understand this condition and, therefore, I can't bring it up.

I don't want to grow up alone, single, and friendless. I don't know what to do... I don't know what to do...
I don't know what to do...
I don't know what to do...
I don't know what to do...



AspieForty
Supporting Member
Supporting Member

User avatar

Joined: 4 Apr 2010
Age: 54
Gender: Female
Posts: 568
Location: North Carolina, USA

10 Apr 2010, 3:08 am

stratify wrote:
I don't want to grow up alone, single, and friendless. I don't know what to do... I don't know what to do...
I don't know what to do...
I don't know what to do...
I don't know what to do...


Things are going to get better now that you know what's going on. You've got a strength at recognizing your own behaviors and taking control of them. That says a lot about your intellect, and even as out of control as you make it sound... that's because you'll work until you get the problems under control.

Anyway... warmest welcome. Image


_________________
3/3 children diagnosed Asperger/PDD-NOS(2009-2010)
http://autism.about.com/od/whatisautism/f/
Aspie+PTSD http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt125554.html don't/won't dwell on it
"Chaos, Panic, Pandemonium, My Work Here Is Done."


peterd
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 25 Dec 2006
Age: 71
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,347

10 Apr 2010, 3:09 am

Letting the other person talk works well a lot of the time. Biting back on the desire to tell them everything you're worrying about is productive too.



JetLag
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 7 Aug 2008
Age: 74
Gender: Male
Posts: 4,762
Location: California

10 Apr 2010, 10:28 am

Welcome aboard the Wrong Planet, stratify.


_________________
Stung by the splendor of a sudden thought. ~ Robert Browning


skybluepink
Blue Jay
Blue Jay

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jan 2009
Age: 54
Gender: Female
Posts: 80

10 Apr 2010, 10:33 am

I think it really does get easier, not just because it comes with practise but because as you get older you don't have to spend so much time servicing other people's small talk. I leave out the fillers too and talk in grammatical sentences which some people find intimidating. I find it helpful to have a tool to end the conversation with if I get really stuck - eg a ringing phone, my dog ( I can always talk to my dog), an appointment, whoops I forgot to buy something. I hate the fact that I have to work so hard at it too - it is very unfair and on bad days I think, why am I wasting my time with these people? I have no idea how intimacy advances - I just leave that to the other person. Of course that's much easier when you're female. :wink:

Welcome to the party :D


_________________
Please visit my blog at http://boysbooksandstuff.com/wordpress/


stratify
Butterfly
Butterfly

User avatar

Joined: 9 Apr 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 14

10 Apr 2010, 11:44 am

Thanks all.



luvmyaspie
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 31 Mar 2010
Age: 58
Gender: Female
Posts: 921
Location: QLD Australia

10 Apr 2010, 2:22 pm

Through my son's journey of discovery I have discovered a great deal about myself. As we travel this, sometimes awkward & sometimes fascinating, road it all makes sense to me too....I suspect that I too may be AS.

I haven't shared this notion with any one yet, including my son, because I don't feel the need to yet. After all it's his journey and not about me. I'll know when the time is right.

However, recently It's been suggested to me by someone who's known me for many years, and another person who hasn't known me quite that long that perhaps I too might be on the spectrum....

I can relate to much of what you say, stratify, and I thank you for sharing :)


_________________
Nothing much shocks me...so please stop trying...yawn...


azucar8
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 8 Apr 2010
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 42
Location: NY

11 Apr 2010, 12:05 am

Aw, very interesting to read.. I'm new here too, and saying the saaaame thing--it all makes sense now. Three years ago when it finally hit my family and me there was such a limited amount of into on it, and to think that in only three years, now there is so much, including this lovely board. It just seems that I'm 150% certain I have AS and then the next day I'm uncertain again, but I have to dismiss the patronizing responses of others, especially newer friends who don't know me well enough yet, when I try to tell them that I have it but don't have a diagnosis. It's funny to me because I can tell they so want to "reassure" me that I don't have it, I'm definitely not Aspergers, as if they know it, when in reality, having it--getting an official diagnosis, having that certainty that I'm not just blowing things out of proportion and causing myself to believe I identify with everything-- that would be the best. I would LOVE to know that I really have it. As of yet until I can get diagnosed, having the label or not having it doesn't change the fact that it is me all the way and explains my whole life, and I'm content to KNOW that things can make sense now.. and ALL OF YOU are "right there with me," and that it is most definitely a BLESSING, not a curse. =)



Tim_Tex
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Jul 2004
Age: 44
Gender: Male
Posts: 45,472
Location: Houston, Texas

11 Apr 2010, 12:07 am

Welcome to WP!


_________________
Who’s better at math than a robot? They’re made of math!

Now proficient in ChatGPT!


AspieForty
Supporting Member
Supporting Member

User avatar

Joined: 4 Apr 2010
Age: 54
Gender: Female
Posts: 568
Location: North Carolina, USA

11 Apr 2010, 12:19 am

azucar8 wrote:
I'm new here too, and saying the saaaame thing--it all makes sense now. It just seems that I'm 150% certain I have AS...I would LOVE to know that I really have it. As of yet until I can get diagnosed, having the label or not having it doesn't change the fact that it is me all the way and explains my whole life, and I'm content to KNOW that things can make sense now.. and ALL OF YOU are "right there with me," and that it is most definitely a BLESSING, not a curse. =)


That's precisely how I felt in 2006 when I read the symptoms.
I *knew* but without diagnosis it was only words... possibly my blowing things out of proportion.

Then my son was verified.
My oldest daughter verified.
My 2nd... well, nobody really took her serious, despite her awkwardness and shyness... but she did things that didn't quite fit the stereotypical Aspergers.. so maybe, maybe not.
Sort of hanging there, suspended, wondering until the day the specialist saw her, and examined and did thorough diagnostic assessment. He tells me she has Aspergers "in the spades," meaning she was plagued with it, and having a tremendous difficulty coping with it.

The least suspected of the three, was the one the specialist expressed the deepest concern over.

*shucks* -- I'm not even in doubt, when others doubt...

You sound to me like you've studied, thoroughly considered the symptoms... and confident that A.S. describes you. So you probably are, and if you see a trained professional who specializes in A.S. the result will probably be +positive+... just as you're 99.9% positive it describes your whole, entire life.

When all the missing pieces of the puzzle come falling into place... I know what you're feeling like.


_________________
3/3 children diagnosed Asperger/PDD-NOS(2009-2010)
http://autism.about.com/od/whatisautism/f/
Aspie+PTSD http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt125554.html don't/won't dwell on it
"Chaos, Panic, Pandemonium, My Work Here Is Done."


luvmyaspie
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 31 Mar 2010
Age: 58
Gender: Female
Posts: 921
Location: QLD Australia

11 Apr 2010, 12:51 am

Hi azucar8 and Welcome :)

At this point, for me, I'm thinking there's no need for a diagnosis as I haven't yet discovered a reason for needing it. My son, on the other hand is in high school and it was after much deliberation that we decided he did, in fact, need a "label" in order to gain understanding and tolerance from his teachers and other staff at school.

I'm engrossed these days in helping staff who work with my son at school to learn about ASD's and develop some consistent strategies which will help them cope and make my son's high school journey somewhat smooth and enjoyable.

In the process, this has stirred many of my own personal struggles. Some which I have managed to quell long ago, and it feels as though I have finally found that long lost piece of the puzzle.

There's a great number of lights switching to brightness my dimly lit past.

It's great to read other people's stories on Wrong Planet and be able to relate to so many for a change.


_________________
Nothing much shocks me...so please stop trying...yawn...


Scientist
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 6 Nov 2009
Age: 48
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 1,524
Location: The Netherlands

12 Apr 2010, 5:13 am

Hello stratify, welcome, enjoy your stay on the Wrong Planet!


_________________
1975, ASD: Asperger's Syndrome (diagnosed: October 22, 2009)

Interests: science, experimental psychology, psychophysics, music (listening and playing (guitar)) and visual arts

Don't focus on your weaknesses, focus on your strengths


KellyMiller
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

User avatar

Joined: 15 Apr 2010
Age: 55
Gender: Female
Posts: 2

16 Apr 2010, 8:47 pm

Lovemyaspie, I can relate to you in many ways. Your thoughts, and Stratify's, really resonated with me.

I have been doing research on Asperger's for a while now, even before Eddie's official diagnosis, because I've been hoping to find clues on what might be bothering him. I noticed that medical scientists think there may be a genetic link. I've said for years to my friends and family that I see so much of myself in Eddie, especially in behavior patterns and the way he handles things. I wonder now if I'm the genetic link.

I won't be getting myself tested for a couple of reasons, mainly that I already know how to cope with the issues that I have, but my big goal is to focus on Eddie. This is about him right now and his needs. He's struggling badly in school because the ADD he has overrules the usual particular-ness (is that a word) for neatness, orderliness, and control. We are going to work actively with his teachers, who are very supportive, to get him the help he needs and to help him get on the road to success.